Kindness in your eyes
I guess you heard me cry
You smiled at me
Like Jesus to a child
I'm blessed I know
Heaven sent and heaven stole
You smiled at me like
Jesus to a child
And what have I learned
From all this pain
I thought I'd never feel the same
About anyone or anything again
But now I know
I guess you heard me cry
You smiled at me
Like Jesus to a child
I'm blessed I know
Heaven sent and heaven stole
You smiled at me like
Jesus to a child
And what have I learned
From all this pain
I thought I'd never feel the same
About anyone or anything again
But now I know
George Michael - Jesus to a Child
ORIGINALLY POSTED on Yahoo 360
September 9, 2007
comments from my original entry follow this entry
Into how little space can a soul be crushed?
September 9, 2007
comments from my original entry follow this entry
Into how little space can a soul be crushed?
Some days are better than others, but for the longest time I've felt like my spirit has been broken, sometimes feeling crushed beyond hope . . . but I know better.
Life circumstances sometimes bring reactions that we aren't always proud of in a weakened state, but there nonetheless. My demon is agoraphobia . . . a nice way to describe it is to say that I strongly dislike leaving the comfort of my home.
People from all walks of life are afflicted with this phobia that is a most misunderstood condition, unless you have gone through the experience, it is very difficult to comprehend how someone who is otherwise quite "normal" has a problem walking out the door.
My doctor gave it a name . . . social anxiety disorder. I don't agree with her diagnosis. While I don't enjoy being a social butterfly and am naturally a laid back type of person, when confronted with social situations, I am fine. I don't freak out around people . . . in fact I find myself starting conversations in the grocery checkout line and rarely find myself without something to say around people. My past employment constantly threw me into social situations and dealing with people non-stop . . . and I excelled at what I did.
I just prefer being in the comfort of my home, not necessarily alone, but very picky about who I spend time with. It is not a fear of open spaces which is how agoraphobics are usually described. And I can leave if I absolutely have to . . . with me, it is not total paralysis in the situation.
Friends have let me down and have hurt me since JR passed away. My mom warned me that my "friend status" would change real quick as a widow . . . she went through it when my dad passed away. Every word she said was true. Every single one of my friendships changed in one way or another. As the saying goes, you find out who your friends are in times of need and bad circumstances.
All of the above, along with the need to analyze my life, think about what I really want and need, who I want in my life, what I want to do with my life, what makes me happy . . . it leaves me preoccupied most of the time . . . thinking, thinking, thinking . . . WAY TOO MUCH!
As a result, I have shut people out of my life . . . I'd rather be alone. I'd rather not be bothered by hypocracy . . . maybe it is not a healthy way to look at it, but for me it is the reality of how it is.
The feeling of being perpetually lonely, even in a crowd of people is my reality . . . so my 360 friendships have become special beyond explanation since I'm not lonely when I'm online. I don't have to be lonely because my online friendships give me exactly what I need at this time in my life. No longer do I feel alone.
Although it has been five years since JR died, it does not feel abnormal to need this time for self-analysis and figuring out what I want for my life.
Apparently, I'm in good company. This line of thinking started last week, when Paula Deen, one of the Food Network stars was on Larry King's show. Here is her story:
Agoraphobia with panic attacks. In her early 20's, Paula Deen began experiencing symptoms of agoraphobia after a number of major stressful events. Eventually, she became homebound. "After we moved into an apartment, I began to feel safe only within the walls of our home. It wasn't long before I stopped doing anything that required me leave the house. I was a prisoner. Even the very thought of having to leave this safety zone drove me into a horrible panic attack." After the family moved to another city, Deen found herself so panicky that she couldn't leave her bed. She eventually worked her way out of it without therapy or medication.
Kim Basinger about her bout with agoraphobia . . . "I've had my downs, but with a little faith and a big sense of humor, you can get though them. It's truly a gift to visit the bottom because then you know how much to appreciate coming out of that and not wanting to go back there. There's a great lesson to learn on the other side of the tunnel, and you really come out stronger." In spite of the severity of her condition at times, Basinger leads a successful acting career, which includes an Academy Award. And that poor woman had to put up with Alec Baldwin who no doubt made a bad situation unbearable.
Clay Aiken, pop singer and former American Idol contestant, began experiencing panic attacks after the death of his stepfather. The attacks increased during Aiken's quick rise to fame, particularly when he had to make a public appearance. After trying a number of medications, Aiken has found Paxil to be helpful in managing the attacks.
Drew Barrymore long has been open about her personal struggles and publicly turned her life and career around after overcoming drug and alcohol addiction as a teen. In 2006, Barrymore opened up about her recent experiences with panic attacks and why she will not take medications to deal with them.
Donny Osmond . . . although he has been in front of the camera his entire life, he spent many years feeling anxious about it. The anxiety reached its peak in 1997 when Osmond was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. With professional help, Osmond learned to manage the disorder and is doing better than ever.
As I stand at another crossroads of my life, I need to make money and survive . . . either re-open the online stores, get a real job or a combination of both. Fear of failure in the workplace paralyzes me since I have a problem with insomnia combined with being agoraphobic. Failure crushes me . . . it is the one thing that will bring me down and keep me down and it absolutely can't happen. This I absolutely know about myself.
Please keep me in your prayers . . . it is time for me to make a definitive move towards my immediate future . . . I need to move from survival mode to a real life . . . the time is near . . .
Life circumstances sometimes bring reactions that we aren't always proud of in a weakened state, but there nonetheless. My demon is agoraphobia . . . a nice way to describe it is to say that I strongly dislike leaving the comfort of my home.
People from all walks of life are afflicted with this phobia that is a most misunderstood condition, unless you have gone through the experience, it is very difficult to comprehend how someone who is otherwise quite "normal" has a problem walking out the door.
My doctor gave it a name . . . social anxiety disorder. I don't agree with her diagnosis. While I don't enjoy being a social butterfly and am naturally a laid back type of person, when confronted with social situations, I am fine. I don't freak out around people . . . in fact I find myself starting conversations in the grocery checkout line and rarely find myself without something to say around people. My past employment constantly threw me into social situations and dealing with people non-stop . . . and I excelled at what I did.
I just prefer being in the comfort of my home, not necessarily alone, but very picky about who I spend time with. It is not a fear of open spaces which is how agoraphobics are usually described. And I can leave if I absolutely have to . . . with me, it is not total paralysis in the situation.
Friends have let me down and have hurt me since JR passed away. My mom warned me that my "friend status" would change real quick as a widow . . . she went through it when my dad passed away. Every word she said was true. Every single one of my friendships changed in one way or another. As the saying goes, you find out who your friends are in times of need and bad circumstances.
All of the above, along with the need to analyze my life, think about what I really want and need, who I want in my life, what I want to do with my life, what makes me happy . . . it leaves me preoccupied most of the time . . . thinking, thinking, thinking . . . WAY TOO MUCH!
As a result, I have shut people out of my life . . . I'd rather be alone. I'd rather not be bothered by hypocracy . . . maybe it is not a healthy way to look at it, but for me it is the reality of how it is.
The feeling of being perpetually lonely, even in a crowd of people is my reality . . . so my 360 friendships have become special beyond explanation since I'm not lonely when I'm online. I don't have to be lonely because my online friendships give me exactly what I need at this time in my life. No longer do I feel alone.
Although it has been five years since JR died, it does not feel abnormal to need this time for self-analysis and figuring out what I want for my life.
Apparently, I'm in good company. This line of thinking started last week, when Paula Deen, one of the Food Network stars was on Larry King's show. Here is her story:
Agoraphobia with panic attacks. In her early 20's, Paula Deen began experiencing symptoms of agoraphobia after a number of major stressful events. Eventually, she became homebound. "After we moved into an apartment, I began to feel safe only within the walls of our home. It wasn't long before I stopped doing anything that required me leave the house. I was a prisoner. Even the very thought of having to leave this safety zone drove me into a horrible panic attack." After the family moved to another city, Deen found herself so panicky that she couldn't leave her bed. She eventually worked her way out of it without therapy or medication.
Kim Basinger about her bout with agoraphobia . . . "I've had my downs, but with a little faith and a big sense of humor, you can get though them. It's truly a gift to visit the bottom because then you know how much to appreciate coming out of that and not wanting to go back there. There's a great lesson to learn on the other side of the tunnel, and you really come out stronger." In spite of the severity of her condition at times, Basinger leads a successful acting career, which includes an Academy Award. And that poor woman had to put up with Alec Baldwin who no doubt made a bad situation unbearable.
Clay Aiken, pop singer and former American Idol contestant, began experiencing panic attacks after the death of his stepfather. The attacks increased during Aiken's quick rise to fame, particularly when he had to make a public appearance. After trying a number of medications, Aiken has found Paxil to be helpful in managing the attacks.
Drew Barrymore long has been open about her personal struggles and publicly turned her life and career around after overcoming drug and alcohol addiction as a teen. In 2006, Barrymore opened up about her recent experiences with panic attacks and why she will not take medications to deal with them.
Donny Osmond . . . although he has been in front of the camera his entire life, he spent many years feeling anxious about it. The anxiety reached its peak in 1997 when Osmond was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. With professional help, Osmond learned to manage the disorder and is doing better than ever.
As I stand at another crossroads of my life, I need to make money and survive . . . either re-open the online stores, get a real job or a combination of both. Fear of failure in the workplace paralyzes me since I have a problem with insomnia combined with being agoraphobic. Failure crushes me . . . it is the one thing that will bring me down and keep me down and it absolutely can't happen. This I absolutely know about myself.
Please keep me in your prayers . . . it is time for me to make a definitive move towards my immediate future . . . I need to move from survival mode to a real life . . . the time is near . . .
If you feel lost or discontent within your life, not comfortable in your skin . . . the lifestyle of Simple Abundance, being grateful for the simple things in life may be what you need. The books I am using in the journey to my new life are listed on my book list. They are really helping me find my way . . .
Comments from my original Yahoo 360 entry
(33 total)I hope you can work through your fears and loneliness. Therapy and medication can help but it sometimes takes a while to find the therapist and medication that is right for you.
I'm glad we can be here for you. Hugs.
And you obviously have many wonderful friends here to help you move forward now.
my prayers are with you
I also wanted to let you guys know how much I appreciate you and what your friendship means to me. I'm no longer lonely . . . thank you!!
My Dad died 23 years ago and my Mom still talks sometimes of how things changed for her socially and how she had to get used to her new status as a widow and "re-invent" herself in thst role so to speak. I think what you are dealing with is a very normal part of what has happened to you and agrophobia is a strong word. I think is about coming to terms with how you now have to see yourself as well as how your friends now see you. Hopefully in time things will settle. It is a very scary world out there and you are very brave to deal with it the way you are. I take my hat off to you. I watched my Mom go through similar when I was 17 and she was 46 and it is NOT easy. You are one brave lady!
You are very lucky to have found love again . . . congratulations!!! I have not lost hope and never will . . .
Gin . . . fear of failure paralyzes me . . . I think moreso than the agoraphobia, or maybe that is the root cause of it, as far as going back to work goes.
Shirley, Terri, GG, Carolyn, Dave, NS . . . I'm just so grateful to have friends that are here for me, unlike the ones in real life who just got so weird with me. Just laughing and crying with you guys, sharing the good and the bad is special to me. Thanks for being there.
Also very true what you said about beeing a widow and finding out about friends; my mom experienced some pretty hurtful things after my father passed away.
Keep your head up, Gina, and keep doing what you are doing :)
Katja, I'm beginning to think that a widow is seen as some kind of a threat to society . . . like I said before . . . as if what happened to you will happen to them . . . a generic fear that no one realizes they have within themselves until confronted it with a friend it has happened to. And they run . . .
I was thinking about what seanymph said . . . and I also think that the state of crime in our society has a lot to do with it too. Myself, I am petrified of even the parking lot at the grocery store and the mall parking lot terrifies me because of the regularity of women getting abducted. I try to run all my errands once a week with my mom so neither of us has to do it alone.
This is an awesome discussion!
In some ways getting divorced and becoming single is similar to the changes you experience with losing your spouse. The change from having someone to go see movies with, dinners etc isn't the same anymore. The married couples look at you askance and wonder if their marriage is going to be the next one to crumble or if their spouse is looking at you differently since you're single again and the list can go on and on. I had one woman friend tell me she didn't want me around anymore because she was afraid that I would steal her husband. The irony of that is she lost him to her then best friend. She was looking in the wrong direction. Live and Learn thats all we can do.I hope you find the solace, answers and peace you need in order to move forward in your life. You know whats best for you, not everyone else.
Minx, depression can manifest itself for many reasons (and sometimes for no apparent reason) and those around us, as well as ourselves determines how we work our way out of that dark place. You are so right about doing things in your own time. My mom and I were having a really bad time a couple weeks ago and some of it was about a total lack of understanding, the "get over it" attitude. Sometimes you just can't get over something or able to handle something because the time is not right for you, no matter how the situation looks to someone else looking in. Of course, one must continually try to work your way out of struggles . . . continual improvement at a natural pace will provide the lasting solution, in my opinion.
Thanks loveangel . . . one can never have enough prayers!! I am ok once I am out, you would never guess I have a problem if you met me while I'm out. It is getting myself out the door, I really have to go into a motivational thing and plan for my outings.
I've even tried to play tricks with myself. Don't laugh ya'll . . . I love my coffee and I usually drink it day and night . . . but I must have the flavored coffee cream, I got used to drinking it that way and I am now spoiled. Sometimes when I am in my "brave mode" and go to the grocery store, I will just buy one or two bottles so I will have to leave the house again to buy the coffee creamer. Well, in my bad days, not even doing without coffee will get me out of the house to buy more creamer. I just switch over to hot tea. Now I make sure I have lots of everything I need just in case I have a panic attack and can't leave.
It is like preparing for a hurricane . . .
Emotional pain is emotional pain no matter what circumstance brought any of us to the point of that pain . . . and I cried with you as you told your story. We all have our demons . . . some of us have more than others in differing degrees.
Losing anything important and close to our heart and soul takes something from us as a result of being a part of us . . . whether it be a mom, dad, spouse, child, family member, friend, pet . . . and the other forms of loss . . . divorce, loss of a job and personal failures, whether they are real or perceived . . . it doesn't matter what it is. I've determined it breaks our spirit and to what degree depends on the person and the circumstance.
I'm so sorry about your dad and equally as sorry about the jackass you have feelings for that is an insensitive jerk, his timing sucks.
I remember the picture you posted and I'm almost positive it was the first time I met you. The picture of your mom and dad so touched me and for some reason made me think of every family member who was so close to my heart who is now gone . . . there are many of them since both my grandparents had many brothers and sisters . . . we were a very close, italian family.
The grief you are dealing with is like an open wound, raw emotions that is sometimes very difficult to deal with since you are still adjusting to it. I don't know why, but dealing with those feelings will bring up every little thing that feels like loss from the past and you have to deal with them all over again. If you read my post about grief, I talked about the cycles of grief and how they come in waves over and over again. My grandmother who was more like my mom passed away when I was a young adult and it is still as if it was yesterday. The pain never goes away . . .
You tell the same story that I tell of continuously picking yourself up in spite of the obstacles that are thrown at you. Each time does make you stronger although at the time it feels like you just don't want to get up again. I think that is my great fear . . . staying there and not picking myself up anymore, but I know better. So do you!! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Thank you for sharing your story Ms. T . . . I love ya too . . .
Hugs