The Transition Zone

“When we feel stuck, going nowhere . . . even
starting to slip backward . . . we may actually
be backing up to get a running start.”

Dan Millman

Changing from holding on to those old habits or circumstances in life can sometimes be difficult since they are comfortable. The transition zone is not in the comfort zone . . . it is the unknown.

Seems like life circumstances can put you in the comfort zone and out of the transition zone. Having to deal with a life and death situations throw me into the comfort zone, making it difficult to eat, sleep or just function normally . . . as if I have been momentarily paralyzed into the comfort zone.

I’m still dealing with the death of my spouse and several close friends and family within the span of a few years and really, I was thinking about how well I was dealing with grief, but now I don’t know what I am feeling . . . it is like everything has come back to haunt me.  It comes and goes . . . even though I have moved on with a new love and my life is happy.

The past couple of weeks have found me dealing with several health issues that have gotten me down with so much to do and not much energy to do it.  

Although I am feeling stuck, going nowhere . . . more like suspended in time . . . and yes, I feel as though I have slipped backward, but I am having faith that I am just backing up to get a running start.

Do you have times of teetering on the edge
of the transition zone and the comfort zone?

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The destructive behavior of the doom and gloom mentality

In my journey of peace, love and happiness through making incremental improvements in my life, my attention has been focused on negative thinking.  Although I've made great strides in moving toward thinking more positively, the negative thinking sometimes takes over.  This behavior is what I consider to be one of my biggest character flaws.

Do you pick out a single negative detail

and dwell  on it exclusively so that your

vision of all reality becomes darkened?

It happens to me . . . and it is a total sapper of peace, even though I can remain happy.  Everything in my life can be as perfect as it gets and one little thing that happens turns into "everything in my life is wrong" . . . the remnant of clinical depression and many disappointing years after becoming a widow.  

In my really bad times that have thankfully passed, I actually expected negative things to happen, even when there wasn't an inkling of disappointment on the horizon.  It is what I describe as the "doom and gloom mentality" where peace is impossible.

Just like anything else, realizing destructive behavior is the first step in making incremental improvements to conquer it.  The second step is recognizing it in its beginnings, learning how to turn it around and revert the situation to a positive one.

When I look back at my days heavily influenced by that mentality of doom and gloom and think of how I react to situations now, it is almost the equivalent of the difference between day and night.  Although it is easy for me to fall back into the trap, with every instance it becomes easier to turn my way of thinking around to one that brings me peace of mind, not doom and gloom.

Peace is a sunny reality

no matter what is going on in your life. 

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Awesome connections

The accuracy of my horoscopes have been amazing me . . .

December 17, 2009
Inner Filling
Leo Daily Horoscope

You may have the need to serve others today or want to spend time nurturing or comforting those in need. You might feel frustrated by the suffering you see in the world and want to do something to help, or you could be seeking a deeper sense of fulfillment. While serving others might help you feel more empowered and purposeful, you might also think about turning your attention inward and fostering a sense of fulfillment that comes from who you are and not necessarily what you do. You may want to affirm that you are whole and worthy regardless of what you do today. Service to others is a beautiful act. However, in order to give to others, you must be able to give to yourself.

The more we give ourselves, the more we have to give to the people in our lives. The world reflects our relationship with ourselves. When we have a fulfilling relationship with ourselves, we can serve others more from a place of wholeness and purpose. Instead of feeling that our fulfillment rests on the actions we take each day, we can turn within and concentrate on filling our inner well with peace, fulfillment, and joy. When we feel connected to ourselves and happy, we are better able to serve others with genuine joy and compassion. This allows us to give from the heart, and our sense of fulfillment grows. By developing your own sense of fullness and fulfillment today, you can feel whole and more purposeful while having more to offer others.

Fullness and fulfillment has taken over my life in the form of awesome connections I've made at my new job at a mental health center. For the first time in a very long time, I'm experiencing the joy of Christmas through others.

As I read today's horoscope, I found it very interesting that I was pondering those very things as I relaxed with a cup of hot raspberry tea after an exhausting day of work at the office. The fulfillment has come to me in several forms. It was always my belief that community service and giving of yourself, even when it is seemingly insignificant, could be a humbling and enriching experience.

The clients are very grateful for the kindness of strangers that have become their comfort zone, the special holiday festivities that have begun and the anticipation and appreciation of the little gifts they receive. While some are extremely down and depressed with the coming of the season, many are wearing a festive smile that have replaced a hopeless look. Awesome feeling to see the smiles on those faces!

Anyone who has followed my blogs for any length of time know how I feel about "the holidays" . . . I have dreaded them year after year since my husband passed away. The sullen, depressed faces remind me of looking in the mirror, wanting so much to see a happy face reflecting back at me and longing for a trace of a joyous holiday season.

What I realized today . . . this is the year which is my turning point . . . I have so much to be grateful for . . . I'm finally on the road to a fulfilling and happy life with a purpose and love with the wonderful man I've continued a long distance relationship with.

God has had a purpose for me and has presented it to me in the form of a job that I love so much, working with people who appreciate me, trust me and have given me more than I can ever thank them for . . . the clients and my co-workers. The gift of smiles and wishes for a happy holiday have touched me in so many ways, and are filling those empty spots in my heart.

Reluctantly, I agreed to participate in the "Secret Santa" festivities among my co-workers. The dread filled me this afternoon as I anticipated the break to have a moment exchanging gifts with those co-workers that are fast becoming good friends. Christmas has not been a fun or joyous time for me for the past seven years . . . it has represented the struggle of depression, restlessness and frustration within myself. The dread had nothing to do with my co-workers, it was me.

It is ironic that I am employed in a mental health center . . . psychiatrists, psychotherapists and counselors surround me . . . they have no idea of my "emotional state."

The gift of an awesomely festive moving Santa that rings bells and sings a song of Christmas joy brought out the little girl in me and put a huge smile on my face. I felt a lump in my throat as that little guy put the Christmas spirit in my heart, along with the hug from the woman who picked my name and told me how blessed she felt to have me in the circle of co-workers who truly care for each other like family.

Most of my co-workers have been at their jobs for more than ten years . . . I am the one who is blessed and could never express my happiness at landing a job at this wonderful place where people truly care about others and do it on a daily basis, giving themselves to those unfortunate people who find themselves in a bad place in life and often makes the difference between life and death.

As I make my new awesome connections, my inner self is healing from many years of restless anxiety with life itself, the struggle for survival and fighting my way back to loving the person I am.

The meaning of Christmas is so very different to me this year . . .

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Courage

Courage is the greatest of all the virtues.
Because if you haven’t courage, you may not
have an opportunity to use any of the others.

Samuel Johnson

There have been days when getting out of bed took courage. In my greatest depths of depression, my energy was totally sapped . . . it will do that to you.

Have you ever been through
one of those phases of life?

Dealing with death does that to me . . . the grief saps me of all energy to keep going. In my opinion, grief is a form of depression . . . I recognized the signs when one of my best friends died recently . . . that feeling of no energy consumed me and felt so familiar.

Going through the motions of putting one foot in front of the other to walk is a monumental task in these times. Many think that some of these symptoms that are felt is merely the “depressed” person being lazy.

The misconceptions associated with mental health are cruel and lack compassion . . . this is the attitude that keeps a depressed person in the depths of depression when the emotional support that is so needed is not there, especially if they are made to feel like they are “worthless,” leaving them feeling even more helpless with lower self-esteem. It is a vicious cycle.

It is not a conscious effort to physically do nothing, but the emotional state of the depressed person almost makes the simplest things in life impossible. I have referred to “getting up when I fall down” in previous posts . . . that one thing is the most difficult to do when physically and emotionally, there is no energy in order to get up.

What it takes to overcome the depths of depression is inner strength and courage to go against that energy, fight it with everything within you, get up and keep going. As time goes by, I have learned the longer you stay down, the harder it becomes to get back up. At least that is how I see it, having been through it several times in my life.

Life changes, losses and bad circumstances will take you to that dark place, not just grief. There are all types of losses that feel like death . . . for example, divorce or loss of a job. It is the disruption of a lifestyle.

We are living in times of trouble and should exercise compassion with those close to us going through a difficult time . . . emotions are very fragile in those times of lifestyle changes.

I’ll close with these words . . . never say “get over it” to someone having a difficult time.

How have you dealt with a
difficult situation in life?

What are your coping mechanisms?

How do you maintain peace and
contentment in bad times?

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Don't go there

Unless you have gone through a depression or have faced a time in your life that seemed hopeless, you can’t relate to the elation one feels when those feelings have lifted, when your mind, body and soul are no longer dwelling in the depths of despair, but rather in the hope of faith and peace.

Today I am feeling so grateful that with lots of practice, I am learning how to successfully fight negative thinking and depression.

Although I slipped and fell away from the promise I made to myself of perpetual positive thinking and happy attitude, life circumstances pulled me away. I am finally realizing that I am only human, it is not a failure on my part for falling into that pit, it is normal to become down when life’s situations are not rosy. 

Those of us who believe in good versus evil will say it is a test, a lure of the devil.

No matter what, I refuse to live in that dwelling of despair and hopelessness . . . it is a sad way to live life. Despite life throwing one thing after another at me, I have faith and peace dwells in my heart once more . . . the only thing that is different is my attitude, my life circumstances are exactly the same.

I choose to live in peace and happiness . . . it is much better for the quality of my life.

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Burned out or slightly charred?

My brother was rushed to the hospital with chest pains last night . . . my mom ran off with my sister-in-law to Tallahassee where he lives and works during the week.  My mom recently had a heart attack . . . of course, I worry about her.

Although I’m a Christian with a positive attitude and a lot of faith, that faith has been tested over and over and over again in recent years . . . sometimes with no relief between life circumstances to get a firm grip before the next thing is thrown on me. I’m tired . . . burned out . . . or just slightly charred?

I’ve had the same revelation several times when too much was on my plate and I start to lose faith and hope . . . I’m burned out. As I read from my book, “Simple Abundance”, I came across the section called “Recognizing Burnout Before You’re Charred.”

You know, I think that I’m a little more than slightly charred . . . but on the other hand, I am always able to get up from what I call “falling down.” Seems like since the new millennium  began, it has been long streak of bad luck and unfortunate situations that don’t want to stop. Every time I pray for gratitude, peace and contentment in my soul and go from one moment to the next telling myself, “this too shall pass.”

My “burnout” is seen as my ying/yang thing of peace, love and happiness being out of balance . . . “running on fumes rather than fuel.” It is burnout when nothing satisfies you because you haven’t a clue what’s wrong or how to fix it. Because everything is wrong. Nothing feels right and you don’t know why. Totally out of balance and everything is out of whack. It is not depression although it feels similar. I’m feeling so helpless.

In search of this balance, I spent the day easing up on myself, stopped beating myself up long enough to be grateful for what I have been blessed with and spent a great deal of time in prayer and contemplation, silence, waiting for that still small voice to speak to me, giving me direction. My burnout is feeling like years of nothingness and living with no purpose . . . like a restless wave that has suddenly swept over me.

I know it is current life circumstances . . . my perspective is blurred, making everything seem inside out, upside down . . . frantic to find that place of peace where I can hide and feel safe.

Life history has shown me that “this too shall pass” . . . but when one is in the midst of the storm, you feel as though the tide is gonna pull you out to sea . . . it is that helpless feeling.

Can you relate to the feeling of

burned out or slightly charred?

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Ordinary world

What has happened to me?

Crazy, some would say

Where is the life that I recognize?

Gone away

lyrics from the song Ordinary World by Duran Duran

Many of my posts go back in time as I reorganize my journals. This entry was inspired by the featured song, Ordinary World recorded by Duran Duran. 

As I listened to music one lonely night in November several years ago, very depressed and still struggling with my new reality, feeling abandoned by everything that was normal in my ordinary world.

The dreaded holidays were approaching and I was feeling very alone in the world . . . they were no longer joyous for me and I wanted to hide. I spent the holidays completely alone that year . . . it is what I needed. Being around “normalcy” made me feel like more of a freak than I already did.

Dealing with grief is the hardest thing that we can do as humans . . . and it is my greatest hope to help others who are thinking they are going crazy as a result of changed life circumstances. Those who have lost their spouse go through a difficult time, some worse than others. He was my everything . . . and he took a part of me with him . . . life as I knew it was gone and everything changed.

I’ve finally admitted that my suicidal tendencies were screaming at me and seemed like a romantic fantasy . . . a way out of the eternal hell that was my life. Fighting them was a difficult endeavor, but I did. The words “this too shall pass” held my faith together to make it through another day, sometimes another moment.

It is taking me a very long time to come back to life, but I feel like I have truly moved on even if I have not moved on with a new partner . . . I’ve had to find myself all over again and my journey is still not over. Blogging and letting out my emotions into words has saved my life. Looking back helps to see the tremendous progress and gives me so much hope for the future.

I remember this night vividly . . . this song played over and over again, I wanted to feel all of the emotions I was feeling as I sat in my dark room, still a smoker, smoking one cigarette after another, a very strong rum and coke in the other hand. I didn’t stop until I drank myself to sleep.

My serious drinking days are over and I have been a non-smoker for over two years . . . I made it through those dark days and now I know I can make it through anything . . .


November . . . several years ago . . .

I am learning how to survive alone in this world as a widow . . . it isn’t always easy, mainly it is a lonely existence I didn’t in my wildest dreams expect to ever be in. My life was set . . . my ordinary world was perfect for me . . . I was happy, so content in my paradise with the man that I committed my life to so many years before. Where is the world I recognize?

It is like a distant memory after all these years . . . almost surreal, like a dream . . . “Here today, forgot tomorrow.” This song brings those feelings of fading memories to mind. It is so sad how life goes on although it must . . . what is the alternative? A life of no life? No matter how difficult, one must move on . . . leaving what once was behind, looking back with melancholy memories.

What has happened to me? Where are my friends when I need them the most? My spirit has been broken, my friends changed as did my status as a person in this world. I was no longer a married lady . . . I was suddenly single in my ordinary world of married couples that I could no longer fit in with.

As I’ve tried to find my way to the "ordinary world," I’ve learned so much about people . . . about friends . . . about family . . . I’m learning how to survive on my own, alone, because no one is guaranteed to be there to help you do it . . . many run for fear you may need something from them. Let them run . . . I need strength, not fear . . . as I find the strength from within.

A favorite song is like an old friend, faithful and true . . . always there when you need it.  Today I needed to hear “Ordinary World” and contemplate on what the words of this song means to me.   It has always been one of my favorite songs from Duran Duran, however, I had never heard it in this way . . .

In the vacuum of my heart . . . still I can’t escape the ghost of my perfect past, but I can’t cry for yesterday, it is gone . . . never to return, somehow I have to find the strength to continue on my journey to my new life which will one day be my ordinary world . . . until then I feel like a lost soul, caught between three worlds . . . yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I can relate to the lyrics of this song so much it is almost scary to me . . . the irony of art imitating life. That is one of the things I love about music . . . it is an expression of life itself . . .

There is an ordinary world somehow I have to find . . .

Lyrics

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can’t escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
“Pride will tear us both apart”
Well now pride’s gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some’d say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one Is my world

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Appreciation and value

Life can be like a financial transaction . . . 

when it appreciates, it grows in value.

One of the greatest gifts I’ve given myself is an attitude of gratitude. The attitude results in an appreciation for life as it is which is much more than accepting, but being thankful for good and bad circumstances when seen through the scope of the world in general.

When I start to feel sorry for myself when it comes to my life circumstances, before I can develop the self-pity routine that turns into depression, I remind myself that there are homeless people who have nothing. When I look at my life circumstances through the eyes of a homeless person, I am so grateful that I have been blessed with so much. All of a sudden, I am so grateful for what I do have . . . choices.

My life has grown in appreciation and value as I have learned to be more grateful.

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The balance of control

We can dream, wish, pray as much as we want, work on a project to exhaustion giving it the best we can give, but in the end we relinquish those things out of our control to faith and hope. What can you do other than your best? The answer is nothing . . .

However, much of what happens to us in our lives is within our control. The secret is to learn the delicate balance of control, maintaining and emotionally coping with those things out of our control while attending to those things we have control over to the best of our ability.

Sometimes I catch myself expending unnecessary energy worrying about something that I can’t do a thing about when I could be using that time and energy towards a meaningful project that will make a difference.

Out of control balance leads to emotional spiraling out of control . . . where nothing is accomplished, attitude becomes one in dire need of adjustment and depression starts to creep its way in.

The balance of control helps to maintain peace and harmony in the quality of life.

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