Disappointment

"The sudden disappointment of a hope

leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment

of that hope never entirely removes.”



“The size of your success is measured by the

strength of your desire; the size of your dream;

& how you handle disappointment along the way.”

Disappointment . . . a feeling of dissatisfaction

that results when your expectations are not realized.

Once again I am in the process of restructuring my blogs . . . this is an older post that defines the struggle I've experienced since becoming a widow. Life changes can grab a hold of you and turn you upside down . . . over and over again. In my new way of perceiving life with a positive attitude, I try to think of disappointment as what is thrown at us so we can appreciate the good things and times in our lives.

Since the following post was written, I've experienced several more deaths . . . close friends and family members . . . the grieving process never stops . . . and neither does disappointment. It is all a cycle of life.

Originally posted on August 25, 2007

Disappointment is the emotion I'm dealing with this week and until today have not been able to define exactly what I have been feeling.

A long time relationship recently ended, I'm still dealing with the grief and adjusting to losing my spouse, several friends disappointed me recently in a major way that I am having a difficult time getting over, I turned another year older last week and I'm disappointed with myself for not having myself together by now . . . hmmm I don't think I need to go on with the "whys" . . .

Understanding the emotions that disappointment and grief has thrown at me is what I needed. So today's quest is to deal with my feelings of disappointment and grief as they relate to my life circumstances . . . understanding each one is a part of the process of healing.

Some important points . . . when something is lost, you will experience stages of grief, sometimes disappointment, to varying degrees. The length of time is determined by the value a person places on what was lost.

Like I'm losing the ability to hear music coming from those awesome music players that I was so happy to find . . . it is one of life's little pleasures for me to have music play on my posts. A simple thing, a minor irritation . . . those are little disappointments that irritate the hell out of me, but are out of my control and I shouldn't worry about it, but it still makes me crazy since these things hold a degree of importance in the quality of my life. Not grief, just disappointment and irritation.

However, the loss of an important relationship . . . disappointment with the circumstances and grieving the death of a long time relationship. I've been trying to sweep the grief under the rug because I need to get over it and why was I feeling that way about another man anyway . . . guilt would come in waves at loving another man. It does not work that way, you can't ignore anything that really bothers you . . . it festers inside of you and turns into more than what it really is if you don't deal with it . . . whatever it is.

Problems of any kind don't just go away . . . like all the boxes in my house that I procrastinate about won't go away . . . I have to deal with them.

When JR died, I was so strong I amazed everyone around me . . . I didn't want those close to me to worry about me, I had to be strong for his mom who was falling apart.  It has to be heartbreaking to lose a child.  My mom was ready to fall apart but was strong like I was being to be there for me (vicious cycle).

There were times I just wanted everyone to leave me and go home so I could cry without ceasing. And if I was not strong, hold everything and everybody together, everyone would have fallen apart. In many ways I did, but I hid it from everyone close to me. They had no idea how hard I took it . . . at times I fooled myself. Little did I know that resisting these emotions rather than allowing myself to go through these stages only prolonged the process of acceptance and healing.

In my studies, I've learned that the grief process may take you through the different stages of denial, anger, guilt and acceptance in an unpredictable order several times, making you feel like you're getting nowhere. But if you work through each one as it comes, you will eventually come to the stage of acceptance where there is a sense of hope and well-being and purpose.

I've been through all of them . . . and I still live with insomnia, restlessness and anxiety which are also part of the process. I have approached acceptance . . . which is the stage where you accept the reality of what happened and know that regardless of the loss, life will go on and it can be good.

Disappointments keep me from believing my life can be happy again . . . like how can one person be lucky enough to find the degree of happiness I had in my former life again, even if it is a totally different life of embracing my solitude and being happy with whatever I end up doing. I don't see it because of all the obstacles and hurdles I have had to jump and feel like I'm getting nowhere as far as happiness goes. Sometimes, like this past week, I get tired of trying and just want to settle with the motions of breathing, be grateful for life and wait to die.

The only thing that keeps me going is that I know that God is in control and He can work in my life to accomplish His purposes . . . sometimes it is difficult to keep the faith . . .

I'm not looking for pity and I'm not having a pity party . . . this is me trying to understand and deal with what I'm going through and hopefully helping someone else cope with a similar circumstance.

Disappointment is universal, we all feel it in varying degrees and we go through similar stages of dealing with it . . . or we should . . .

Be grateful for all your blessings

no matter how small they are!!

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Dreams are renewable

Dreams are renewable.
No matter what our age or condition, there
are still untapped possibilities within us and
new beauty waiting to be born.

Dale E. Turner

I’ve often been accused of living in a dream world,
but who are we without our dreams?

Dreams are just dreams if we only talk about them.
Action behind the talk makes them more than dreams.

Success is the result 
of a dream in action!

Remember these words the next time someone calls you a dreamer

As I wrote in my personal grateful blog this morning, the realization came of reaching the end of a couple bad phases in my life. It seems to me that dreams and inspirations are somewhat put aside during a bad phase . . . now it is time to renew those dreams and ponder new inspirations.

My dreams have always been in bright colors and the inspirations occasionally a bit bizarre . . . and I have even gone after those bizarre dreams . . . don’t you have to get them out of your system?

I’ve written about Walt Disney and his bizarre dream of a cartoon mouse as my inspiration . . . his friends laughed at him. Who is laughing now?

Dreams are invigorating and add to the spice of life . . . discovering those untapped possibilities within us can be an exciting adventure that need to be explored.

There is a saying that I recently found that I think about every morning when I wake up to start off my day . . .

“What new and exciting

thing will happen today?

Anticipating a beautiful day prepares the inner child within me for something new and exciting. Of course something new and exciting doesn’t happen every day, however, the possibility and anticipation helps to create the atmosphere and attitude. That in itself does not make one a dreamer . . . it makes one open to the possibilities with a positive attitude toward life.

I know what you guys have been thinking about my recent “happy attitude” . . . nope, there is not a new man in my life . . . or maybe there is . . . could be!  I'll just say that things are looking up :)


Update a couple of years later . . .

My intuition didn't steer me wrong . . . I had met "the one" and after a long distance relationship and lots of emails, telephone calls, plane trips, train trips and a couple of years later, we are now married.

Never give up your dreams, no matter how bad things look . . . keep the faith!

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The Longest Journey

Sometime in your life you will go on a journey.

It will be the longest journey you have ever taken.

It is the journey to find yourself.

Katherine Sharp

The journey has been long and painful at times . . . on the other hand, it has been the most exciting adventure of my life.

Although there are times that I seem to have lost my way and don’t recognize who I am when I look in the mirror, I know myself much better than I have in all of my life.

My dreams were somewhat buried through the years underneath life experiences, failures, triumphs, contentment, good intentions, rejection, peace, happiness, love. As I peel back the layers of my life to find my authentic self and what she wants, I realize that some of those dreams in my days of youth don’t match my dreams of today.

The only major dream of my youth that I did not explore was to pursue that career as a singer/songwriter. Maybe it was not the right time. Perhaps the time to at least sell what I wrote so many years ago is now. The pursuit of the creation and performing is no longer with me, although I do aspire to write, the method has changed . . . the guitar and keyboard put away long ago. The new method is my computer keyboard.

There is still a song in my heart, a desire for something more, a different type of fulfillment than I have ever known . . . all I know is that the feeling is what I describe as peace, love and happiness.

Who knows, maybe a famous entertainer will want to sing my songs and the rush of happiness and fulfillment will be the words and music of one of my songs heard on the radio as I drive down the street one day. I’ve often wondered what that would feel like. All I know is that all the money in the world would never come close to that feeling.

On the journey of life, no one knows what lies beyond the path they are on . . . good or bad, it is the road to fate and destiny. Hopefully the destiny matches the dreams.

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The Big Picture

“The most pathetic person in the world is

 the person who has sight, but no vision.”  

Helen Keller

“Far away there in the sunshine are my highest

 aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up

 and see their beauty, believe in them, and follow

 where they lead.”

Louisa May Alcott

As long as I can remember, I have been accused of being a “dreamer”. At this point in time, I consider that sentiment a high compliment. Doers must first be dreamers. I love the above quotes so much . . . they perfectly capture the essence of  "the big picture" as I see it.

Goals, aspirations and dreams are the big picture of your life . . . they are necessary to challenge the mind which moves you in the direction. I have few regrets since my motto has always been "go for it" for those things my heart desires and I’m even grateful for my failures since I can’t ask the question "what if".

The big picture is what this blog is about . . . 

living in peace, love and happiness. 

You only live once . . . whatever your heart desires, go for it!

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Dance to your song

“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” Walt Disney

It is so much more fun when negative thinkers remind you that “it” is impossible and they are shown otherwise.

I’ve always danced to my own song and of course, I have had my share of failures. However, you can’t accomplish anything if you think that it is impossible . . . most people won’t even try at the risk of ridicule from others and the dreaded words “I told you so.”

Walt Disney has always been one of my “success” role models. Having gone through bankruptcy and being seen as a “failure” by his friends, can you imagine the ridicule he must have gone through when he discussed his next business endeavor that involved a cartoon mouse?

I think of Walt Disney every time I get a bizarre idea that others would deem impossible. Failure is not what I think of. What I think of is the success of the Walt Disney empire and the cute little mouse that is loved by many generations.

Another saying from a song from the movie “Cinderella” . . . “a dream is a wish your heart makes” . . . one of my favorite quotes and still one of my favorite stories of all time. Cinderella believed in herself enough to go to that ball and ended up living happily ever after with her Prince Charming.

Never stop dreaming . . .

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