Fear of Moving On

Either you decide to stay in the shallow end

of the pool or you go out in the ocean.

Christopher Reeve

If you listen to your fears, you will die
never knowing what a great person
you might have been

Robert H. Schuller

I wrote the following post many years ago.  The Captain was already an awesome friend, but it was before we became serious about getting together.  Actually, I was involved with two other guys I was contemplating moving on with.  The big question was "am I ready?"

The theme of the post is fear and feeling safe.  While I am so thankful I got through the fear of moving on and eventually let The Captain into my life and got married, fears still keep me from moving on with my life in different ways.

When I think that I am hopeless with all these fears I still have, I feel gratitude for the progress I have made since JR passed away.  The post I wrote back in 2009 proves that to me and I don't feel so crazy.

Originally published April 15, 2009


What would you do if you weren't at all afraid?

For someone who has way too many fears, I often ask myself that question. Most of my life I've been fearless in pursuit of what strikes my fancy, however, in past years my fearless nature has been tamed to the extreme.

There seems to be an inordinate need to be "safe" . . . staying in my comfort zone prevents me from living a truly satisfying life as I once experienced with such a zest for life.

Perhaps this is all a result of the grief process . . . the extreme life changes . . . and hopefully my "normal" zest for life will return. Fear of failure has gripped my heart and soul where I once followed every dream after making the plan, I now analyze everything to death before making any significant move . . . fearful of the outcome rather than approaching the situation in my usual carefree but cautious manner.

Moments of attaining my ying/yang life balance are coming back with regularity, but leave me with that "fear of failing mentality" with as much regularity. Time heals all wounds and I see this as one of the most important areas of my life to gain control over.

The fear is like a security blanket that I have found difficult to let go of . . . why? It doesn't really keep me safe and keeps me from moving on with my life. Did I just hit on the answer? Is it a fear of moving on and letting go of life as it was? Still feeling the guilt of moving on?

Fate and destiny brings people into our lives at different times for various reasons. Someone from my past has come back into my life who I have always loved, respected, have an extreme comfort with, passion for and would trust with my life . . . my first love.  

TRUST AND LOVE . . . isn't that what my major relationship problems have been in recent past?

Why am I still not ready?

My thoughts of moving on are becoming more realistic. There is no doubt in my mind why "he" is back in my life . . . to cross that huge bridge in my path with me . . . it scares me.

There are times when people drift out of my life and at the time I wonder why, yet always find the answer with the passage of time. The reasons are always for my benefit whether I consciously agree or not. One door closes and another opens . . . the biggest obstacle is walking through that door. Perhaps there is a reason why . . .

Is there anything you would change about your life?

Has fear kept you from doing something you want to do?

Back to present time . . . the reason was The Captain was my destiny!

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Support of your loved ones

The strength that your loved ones give you could inspire you to examine a more challenging life path. 

The aid and support of your loved ones can give you the courage to make the most of the opportunities you have been given. The people who care for you are a resource that you can draw from for support, and the value they can add to your experience is unlimited. Knowing that you are loved can raise your self-esteem, help you feel more comfortable taking risks, and empower you to believe in yourself. Because the people that are important to you will always support you, you’ll be less afraid of failure and more likely to try again should you falter. When you feel bolstered by your loved ones, you will see that anything is possible.

Source:  Daily OM

Growing up, my dad always called me stupid, nothing I did was ever good enough, always raising the bar of expectations as they were close to being reached.  Maybe in his warped way of thinking he was shaping me to be a better and stronger person, not knowing the lifelong damage it would do to me.

For most of my young life, I tried so hard to meet his expectations that were never going to be met.   The result?  As a young adult, I spiralled out of control and was thrust out in a world that I was not ready for, however, deep down inside I knew that I was not that stupid little girl that I was made to believe I was all my life.

Armed with traces of self-confidence from my past accomplishments that I knew were a good thing, I set out to prove to myself that the stupid little girl was never real.  It was a figment of my dad's warped imagination.  Why a person would do that to an innocent little girl is beyond my comprehension.

As time went on, I did prove to myself that I am a very intelligent person with compassion for others.  The compassion came from understanding the emotional hardships we all go through and what they do to our mental health.  However, self-esteem has always been a problem for me, no matter what I accomplish.

There have been people in my life who have recognized my problem with self-esteem and used it as a weapon against me.  It personally stops me in my tracks when I recognize it is happening and makes me wonder why this person is still in my life and their trait of flawed compassion questions my capacity to make wise choices.

It doesn't have to be loved ones.  The support of those we admire means so much . . . think about it.  Compassion and support from others is a treasured gift that should be cherished when you find it.

  

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The Defense Mode and Falling Down

There are some lines in the song "Falling Down" from Duran Duran that have inspired me today:

"Why has the sky turned gray? 

Hard to my face and cold on my shoulder.  

Why has my life gone astray?  

Why has my luck run dry?"

Defense mode is where I'm at, I've fallen down because of it and forgiveness has been impossible to come by.  

Before I hit the ground, someone I love very much was hurting very badly and I could not bear her pain any longer.  As a result, I did something I thought was right.  

I still think I was right, but feeling like I'm in defense mode and I hate it, resent those responsible very much even though I still love them and don't want them out of my life.  My intentions were good, but they blew up in my face.  

I am not an effective confronter and people generally use it against me!


I came across an old newsletter from Mastin Kipp and the following excerpt from his writing took over my thoughts.

"The pain was a little deeper than normal because these are folks I care about and respect. On top of that, I really try my best to walk my talk, so when I mess up, I am really good at beating myself up, which is like a double negative and almost worse than the original mistake."  

First let me say that I don't relate because I think "I messed up" . . . it is beating myself up over the situation with people I love that has me relating. The double negative is trying to make the hurting stop to begin with and ending up with these ugly feelings personally.

My usual mode is to stay out of conflicts and to remain in a neutral position, but that is great when nothing has touched me.  Mess with someone I love who I see hurting and I go blind, throwing all neutral attitudes out the window.  I am proud of myself for attempting to make the problem disappear, no matter the consequences.

Sometimes things don't work out as planned.

Why am I beating myself up over this?  I want to be peaceful, contemplate what has gone by and I get the feeling others want confrontation that is like sweeping it under the rug and try to pin the blame on me for coming forward to begin with.  

At this time I don't want or need the conflict or confrontation. For this I feel like I've fallen down, but it is the only thing I can do right now.  It is what I can handle emotionally.

Don't you hate when someone dances around a story?

As usual, I am writing to let my feelings out and hope to get rid of these times of beating myself up.  

Sorry for the vagueness, but my blog is no longer anonymous and I'll get myself into more of a pickle if I explain.  :(   

Times like these make me regret bringing my blogs into the reality of my life and all who are involved.  

I hate regrets!

Hopefully there is something in my story that will help someone else, which is why I love writing about how I am feeling.

When you have fallen down, you think you are the only one who is there.  If you have . . . do what I'm going to do . . . come to terms with the situation, get up, dust yourself off and start all over again.  

What will be will be . . . in the meantime, I choose to remain stubborn!

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Mistakes are the portals of discovery

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

James Joyce

Love the quote!

Artists and creative types will relate to the quote for sure.

When I've worked on creating jewelry or sewing, often a mistake brought on the discovery of a new technique.  Upon working on the new technique, many times it was so much better than my original technique or idea.

Inventors and explorers live the quote.  

Imagine Christopher Columbus or Walt Disney with fear and no vision!  We would be living in a different world with no Walt Disney World or Disneyland.  A world without Mickey Mouse!

Fear of failure will stop those mistakes from happening and also stopping whatever portals of discovery would have come out of the mistake.

A vivid imagination should never be wasted!

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Understanding the source

Taking time to understand the source of our emotions can help us resolve them and regain our centered state of mind. Feelings of confusion or uncertainty are often an indication of unresolved conflict within us. 

If we simply turn within and begin exploring these feelings in more detail, we will usually be able to discern the reasons for them. Once we understand the issues causing our distress, we can easily find a way to resolve them or at least come to a sense of peace and acceptance about them. We then feel more confident about our choices, and our confusion dissipates. 

Exploring your feelings more closely today will enable you to take control of your thoughts and feel confident. 

Source:  Daily Om



For those of you who go through roller coaster emotions . . . don't you get tired of trying to understand and just want to feel like a normal person?

My latest emotional phase is more negative than positive.  No doubt it is a result of making the attempt to moderate my meds.  It is not a hopeless phase, it is more of a "I don't care" phase.  I just know I feel like crap emotionally and I want it to just go away.  I'm tired of analyzing it.

My birthday is a few days away and that has a lot to do with it.  I want it to go away and not celebrate another year of getting older.  I definitely do not want to slip into a pity party instead.  

The goal has to be a celebration of life itself.  The emotional baggage is becoming way too heavy!

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Fear and Emotional Honesty

It is sad to live in a world where honesty is feared.  People are nosy by nature and always want to know "why" for so many things.  The tendency to pry into the life of one who is not so easy to get close to is a sure way to make them run away and never come back.

What does that have to do with emotional honesty?

"Being honest in a relationship means you tell the truth. 

If you are lying, that puts a barrier between you and the other person. 

Maybe ask yourself the reason you are lying. 

Are you hiding who you truly are? 

Are you hiding because of your own judgments or is it really likely that the other person will reject or criticize you if they know the truth? 

If you are lying, then the relationship loses intimacy and safety.

Being honest doesn’t mean the same as passing judgement or making assumptions or giving an unsolicited opinion. Being honest is not saying something hurtful because you are hurt. Being honest means you express your emotions accurately and in a loving way. You stay on the same side. You don’t blame, name-call, or use the relationship to control what the other person does. Emotional honesty, factual honesty and respect support and nurture loving connections."

Source

The above is an excerpt from an article published by Psych Central, "Four Characteristics of Soul-Fulfilling Relationships" written by Karyn Hall, PhD.

Even a "little white lie" can chip away at trust in a relationship.  A lie is a lie is a lie . . . a betrayal, no matter how small or large.

When someone lies to me, the first question that usually comes to mind is "why did they tell the lie to begin with."  It continues from there . . . "How many times have they lied . . ."  I could go on and on.

Half truths are much like lies.  My intuition always tells me when something important is being swept under the rug.  Those things that are under that rug can start a roller coaster ride that sometimes goes out of control.  Trust flies out the window . . . and it also depends on the type of relationship you have with this person.

On the flip side . . . I started this post about fear of honesty.  It has been my experience that people in general are very insensitive and love to judge others. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves.

Call it paranoia, but in the past I have been so judged about my varying phobias and how I deal with them that I have gotten to where I don't want any new friends and having to "explain" why I can't do this or that.  It isn't worth it anymore.

I recently arranged to meet up with a childhood friend at a restaurant close to home and my "comfort zone."  We lost contact with each other after high school.  Actually, I was feeling pretty positive about seeing her again.  Then I got the message that her husband wanted to meet half way.  That place would have taken me way past my comfort zone and I just didn't want to explain why I could not comply with the request that, under normal circumstances would be considered reasonable.  

So, I cancelled and deactivated my Facebook account so I would not be asked to explain with all the dreaded questions about "why" . . . which leads to judging and even more questions that make me so uncomfortable.  Yes, I know she now thinks I am nuts, but probably would not have understood my issues anyway.  So I ran away from it.

In this case, honesty would have taken me to an all familiar uncomfortable place from my recent past that I don't want to be at again.  I'd rather not have new friends.

Most people don't "get" phobias and I'm tired of explaining them.  Just when I think I am managing better and take steps to move on, a situation arises to make me take many steps back.

It all makes me sad . . .

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Run Baby Run

This post is about a writing from the past.  I've been going through old posts from blogs no longer published and being nostalgic about where I've been as far as my emotions go.  This one is about running away . . . The Captain is trying to teach me not to do this anymore and I see my progress, yet recognize some old traits.

She's searching through the stations,

For an unfamiliar song,

And she pictures all the places,

She knows she still belongs,

And she smiles the secret smile,

Because she knows exactly how,

To carry on


lyrics from the song
Run Baby Run by
Sheryl Crow






ORIGINALLY POSTED OCTOBER 2007


There are three words I use all the time

that really do describe who I am best


♥♥♥ Peace, love & happiness ♥♥♥


That is my balance, my ying/yang thing . . .

when they are not in balance, I run to find it.



I'm lost without it

JR knew how to keep me there

and since he's been gone,

I've been lost.



I began finding it again through my keyboard

in the little box that sits on my desk

and in the words that come from my heart,

expressing myself, finding myself

I love to write about life.

"Past the arms of the familiar,

And their talk of better days,

To the comfort of the strangers"

I'm searching for that unfamiliar song, since I've said goodbye to the old familiar faces in my life, the backstabbers and the phony people who graced my life with smiles and beauty when they have to while they carry the knife behind their back.

I ran from my real life
and I'm still running

My life is not in balance, there is no peace, there is no happiness . . . love? Honestly I don't know. I always run before finding out. First I need to know who I am and that is what I'm trying to do here.

I don't like to get hurt . . . does anyone? My emotions are still raw and wounded from losing the most important person in my world.

He's gone and I'm still lost
still trying to figure out who I am

All that to explain I'm vulnerable and I sometimes let someone get close to me, not often. I write about my life very honestly and candidly, but few get inside my heart and soul. When I do, it is because I feel absolute trust in my heart . . . like a child instinctively trusts their mommy.

When that person uses something they know about me against me . . . it knocks the wind out of me. It momentarily destroys me, blinds me to the core of my being.

I know all those years as a professional in the corporate world should have made me hard and unfeeling, calloused to cruel people. I am to a certain point. All the classes, seminars and rah rah sessions I attended through the years to learn how to deal with people should be enough, huh? It was. I'm an awesome professional. My defense is that I don't let many past the personal walls I have built around my heart and soul. There are few that I allow close enough to hurt me.

I'm fiercely competitive and I hate it when someone takes me on. I'd rather run . . . I'm emotionally tired of fighting these type of people and they know it. It gives them power over me. I want happiness with peace and hopefully lots of love.

So I run and they win
Is anything worth a fight?
Not anymore
Honestly, I think I will be happier just writing and not involving myself with the social networking thing anymore. I've made lots of awesome friendships that I will maintain and forget about having the big page with the big social network of constantly meeting new people and the constant hope of meeting my Prince Charming. I'm over it. For now, I just want to write and be creative.
God will provide me with what I need

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