Life For Rent

Although I have realized that I have gone through tremendous positive changes in my life, during this time of contemplation, transferring old blog entries around and revisiting old thoughts, it occurs to me that many of my old revelations from the past couple of years could have been made today. Moving ahead, yet standing still.

This thought process marks a very important revelation about my romantic choices. I continue the same ones over and over again . . . actually the same two guys . . . I moved from one to another, same type of situation yet different. The underlying theme is the same . . . the unattainable.

Maybe it is the unconscious effort, the trait of a widow, to not move on since they were both long distance relationships?

I’m haunted by the empty feeling of the
“echo in a canyon”
but isn’t that what I have chosen for myself?

The answer is yes . . . for now

Another one of life’s revelations in a song . . . my interpretation is about attitude and the way we look at life . . . as it relates to my life. Aren’t we all afraid to fail? Although this is the first time in my life that I’ve been afraid to try . . . that is difficult to admit . . . sometimes it is easier to be alone.

Has there been a time when
 relationships scared you?

Have you ever lived 
“Life For Rent”?

Life for Rent | Dido
LYRICS

I haven’t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I’m not in love
But it’s not as if I mind
that your heart ain’t exactly breaking

It’s just a thought, only a thought
But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I’ve always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what’s happened to that dream
Cos there’s really nothing left here to stop me

It’s just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
Well how can I say I’m alive

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

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Don't Look Back

Don’t trip over your own two feet

looking back and running from the past,
just keep looking straight ahead,
walking through today and into tomorrow

Author unknown

When it comes to love, it seems that many of us want to hold on . . . whether it is good or bad. 

When I ran across this quote, it brought a question to mind.

Why do we hold on to past loves?

I’m the most guilty of doing this. In most recent times, I held on to two former loves who ventured back into my life like they were some kind of trophy. Finally, the thought that I am way too loyal for my own good is starting to sink in.

It seems to me that even if it was a bad relationship, the tendency is to hold on and make it work . . . I’ve done it all my life! Is it that fear of failure? Make the bad relationship good before moving on?

Maybe it is the comfort level of what is known . . . even if the known is not good. We form attachments and emotions for someone and it is difficult to break off the relationship bond, especially when there is a “relationship history” involved.

What about the “revenge thing?” I swear both of these guys came back into my life just to hurt me. Aren’t some of us guilty of that too? Attempt to hurt the one who hurt us at some point in our lives?

Hopefully I will learn to stop tripping over my feet! Can you relate to any of these relationship problems?

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Forbidden Love

“Just one look from your eyes was 
like a certain kind of torture”

lyrics from Forbidden Love by Madonna

Is forbidden love more exciting because
it is something you are not supposed to have?

Is it the human characteristic of wanting
what you can’t have that makes it exciting?

It was the beginning of my brother’s little league baseball season and I was barely a teenager. Sure, I had already noticed the boys at school . . . but this guy was different. WAY OLDER AND FORBIDDEN . . .

He was one of the coaches, his son played on the league and was probably the age of my parents. Be still my heart, I still think about that man . . . he was my first real attraction other than Paul McCartney who was my first love if you count rock stars.

No one knew about the huge crush I had on this man . . . except for my mom. She noticed it the first day of the season when I first met him . . . mom and I had “the talk”. LOL . . . we have talked about it recently and had a good laugh, but she tells me at the time, she was secretly freaking out about this.

My mom tells me every woman at the park had a secret crush on that man, he was GORGEOUS like a movie star with dark hair and eyes. The first real “Mr. Dreamy” of my life. I’ve often wondered why . . .

My theory has something to do with “forbidden love” . . . this was way forbidden and totally impossible . . . a larger than life fantasy built up in my mind . . . which brings me to the topic of fantasy vs forbidden love. Big difference in some cases . . . in my case, it was innocently both.

Fantasy in most cases is just that . . . something built up in the mind, while forbidden love is usually dangerous.

When I think of forbidden love, an affair with at least one party belonging to someone else is what comes to mind. However, as in the case of Romeo and Juliet, the most romantic story of forbidden love that I can think of at the moment, the problem was who they were, the family they were each born into. Forbidden love can also be a rich man/poor man thing that society imposes on someone like real life princes and princesses.

All this came from listening to music from Madonna . . . music is so amazing for me, it takes me all over the place, driving my thoughts to the weirdest places like a little league season as I discovered love and desire for the first time.

Hasn’t forbidden love tortured all

 of us at one time or another?

“Forbidden Love”
Madonna
Lyrics

Just one kiss on my lips
Was all it took to seal the future
Just one look from your eyes
Was like a certain kind of torture

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl

Just one touch from your hands
Was all it took to make me falter

Forbidden love
Are we supposed to be together
Forbidden love
Forbidden love
Forbidden love
We seal the destiny forever
Forbidden love
Forbidden love

Just one smile on your face
Was all it took to change my fortune
Just one word from your mouth
Was all I needed to be certain

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl
Hearts that intertwine
They lived in a different kind of world

Just one kiss
Just one touch
Just one look

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The Longest Journey

Sometime in your life you will go on a journey.

It will be the longest journey you have ever taken.

It is the journey to find yourself.

Katherine Sharp

The journey has been long and painful at times . . . on the other hand, it has been the most exciting adventure of my life.

Although there are times that I seem to have lost my way and don’t recognize who I am when I look in the mirror, I know myself much better than I have in all of my life.

My dreams were somewhat buried through the years underneath life experiences, failures, triumphs, contentment, good intentions, rejection, peace, happiness, love. As I peel back the layers of my life to find my authentic self and what she wants, I realize that some of those dreams in my days of youth don’t match my dreams of today.

The only major dream of my youth that I did not explore was to pursue that career as a singer/songwriter. Maybe it was not the right time. Perhaps the time to at least sell what I wrote so many years ago is now. The pursuit of the creation and performing is no longer with me, although I do aspire to write, the method has changed . . . the guitar and keyboard put away long ago. The new method is my computer keyboard.

There is still a song in my heart, a desire for something more, a different type of fulfillment than I have ever known . . . all I know is that the feeling is what I describe as peace, love and happiness.

Who knows, maybe a famous entertainer will want to sing my songs and the rush of happiness and fulfillment will be the words and music of one of my songs heard on the radio as I drive down the street one day. I’ve often wondered what that would feel like. All I know is that all the money in the world would never come close to that feeling.

On the journey of life, no one knows what lies beyond the path they are on . . . good or bad, it is the road to fate and destiny. Hopefully the destiny matches the dreams.

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Appreciation and value

Life can be like a financial transaction . . . 

when it appreciates, it grows in value.

One of the greatest gifts I’ve given myself is an attitude of gratitude. The attitude results in an appreciation for life as it is which is much more than accepting, but being thankful for good and bad circumstances when seen through the scope of the world in general.

When I start to feel sorry for myself when it comes to my life circumstances, before I can develop the self-pity routine that turns into depression, I remind myself that there are homeless people who have nothing. When I look at my life circumstances through the eyes of a homeless person, I am so grateful that I have been blessed with so much. All of a sudden, I am so grateful for what I do have . . . choices.

My life has grown in appreciation and value as I have learned to be more grateful.

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Free love and the flower children

Hippies, aka flower children, came to life in the mid-60’s . . . long hair for females and males alike . . . their lifestyle was one of not having a care in the world, it was all about “Peace, Love and Happiness” . . .

“Free Love” was a part of the hippie culture . . . meaning loving all people as sisters and brothers . . . but didn’t this culture usher in the sexual revolution?

When I think of hippies and flower children, Cheech and Chong come to mind . . . they depict hippies in the truest sense of the word and have been immortalized as such in a string of movies centered around the love of sex, love, pot/marijuana and of course, rock n roll from back in the day.

It was a time between the eras of “Leave It To Beaver” where mom and dad could not be depicted on television as sleeping in one bed . . . they always had twin beds . . . to present day era of “Sex and the City” where they stopped putting notches on the bedpost because they ran out of room. What we see on television has gone way past the extreme opposite to sometimes vulgar.

We’ve gone from a time in the 60’s where being a virgin was something to be proud of . . . to present day where it is something to be rid of like a disease.

Did the sexual revolution start on that street called Haight Street in San Francisco where they wore flowers in their hair?  

In my opinion, it started there and gathered moss . . . like a rolling stone . . . what do you think?

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An abundance of enthusiasm

What do you do with your worries, problems, fears . . . and an abundance of enthusiasm?

For the past two nights I have not been able to sleep because of worries, problems and fears crammed into my thoughts that don’t want to shut down, holding on to every little detail of every concern and project that I have going on that I am way too excited about. My poor brain is on overload!

Sleep problems run in cycles for me and I know the major problem is the lack of a routine and way too much enthusiasm . . . have I mentioned that I’ve always been a workaholic?

As time goes on I am learning to let things go that are out of my control, pray about it and release it, like putting it in a little box that sits high up on a shelf in my closet that I can’t see. However, if I have control over the thing . . . I will make myself crazy over it.

The other day I wrote an article on the race of life and how we need to slow down and enjoy life. However, it occurs to me that a person with workaholic tendencies can’t slow down because they are enjoying what they do a little too much . . . at least I do.

Still . . . I’m grateful for way too much enthusiasm . . . the alternative is giving up in a time that I can’t find a real job.

How do you find balance in your life? What works for you?

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