Friday, August 26, 2011

Dreams and moral support

~ Technicolor Dreams | Bee Gees ~

"I am grateful to have the choice over the direction of my life.
I choose to surround myself with only those who believe in me and my dreams."

Source: The Daily Love

It is awesome to have dreams and ambitions.  Not so awesome when you are surrounded by those who try to tear your dreams down for whatever reason.

We must follow our dreams . . . within reason . . . otherwise the question "what if" will be a haunting echo in the night.

Ultimately, the choice is ours.  My worst disasters have come after "the dream" was laughed at and I had to proceed just to prove that I could do it.  My choices were possibly made for the wrong reasons, but the failure was mine.

Understanding that there are people in this world who are fearful of taking a chance, don't believe in innovation or flat out don't believe in your dream should be considered when making the decision to follow your dream.

The concept of a light bulb must have been hilarious back in the day, but Thomas Edison believed in his dream . . . or maybe he surrounded himself with those who gave him lots of moral support to go for it.

Better to surround yourself with people who believe in you, no matter what!

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Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Journey Within

~ The Reason | Hoobastank ~

Soul is present behind every manifestation
 and every experience, awaiting our response.


It is primarily through our resistances, difficulties, challenges, problems, illnesses, etc. that we eventually begin to discover what they are for and why they exist. 

Delving deeply enough into the energy behind them leads us to sufficiently overcome some ignorance, selfishness and inertia that we get glimpses of the beautiful soul energy causing them. 

Taking this journey to our essence and to our purpose eventually shifts our conscious identity to the soul that we are. 

Look behind the appearance of something in your life that you have not welcomed or understood and discover more deeply who you really are.

Although the journey within is never over, I have reached that place in my life where the fork in the road took me on a new adventure when The Captain entered my life several years ago.  By all means, it has not been a smooth ride. Learning to share your life with another person all over again after being alone for so many years is not easy.

As The Captain and I approach the new journey into marriage, there have been many things going through my thoughts this past week.  Needless to say, I am most grateful for having this wonderful man in my life.

The most dominant thoughts have involved my journey since JR died . . . losing a spouse unexpectedly takes you through unknown territory that is mainly terrorizing.  I was forced to take that long and unhappy journey within whether I was ready to or not, but it was survival.  Are we ever ready for life's challenges and sorrows?

There were times I had to reach deep down inside to find a reason to live . . . my life as I knew it was gone and I was not happy about it . . . my life with JR was happy and content.  I was lost without him and had no direction.  

At times I went into severe panic attacks that would disable me mentally as well as physically.  Grief will do that too . . . but I had to worry about surviving alone while battling the severe depression that had taken a firm grip of me.

So began my journey within . . . it took me way too many years to get to know who I am and what I want from life.  The one thing that has effectively brought me through this journey is blogging and journal honestly about it.  It took one day at a time, sometimes moments at a time . . . asking myself a question at a time, just like a therapist would do.

There were times of pity parties and asking God "why me?" . . . but now I know why I needed that treacherous journey . . . it was necessary to find myself. Otherwise, I would have ended up taking bottles of pills to sleep forever and be done with what felt like a tortured life. Believe me, my thoughts of suicide took on a status of a beautiful fantasy . . . but I was strong enough to not do that to my mom. 

I could not find joy until I finally found myself.

The Captain entered my life at a time when I had already experienced picking myself up and doing what had to be done . . . actually starting to find joy in my life . . . only to fall down and start over again more times than I care to mention.  I was not worthy before that time.

Unless you have been through a treacherous journey, there is no way anyone can relate to the elation of seeing that light peaking through the end of the darkest tunnel you can imagine.  The one thing that kept me going is knowing that the light was there, somewhere, I just had to be patient to find it again.  I clung to my faith in God, often praying and begging to see that light again.  It was shown to me at the time I was ready to see it, not a minute before.  It is the way we learn our life lessons . . . the hard way.

Although I am not yet at my peak of strength, I know that I can get through just about anything.  What I found is a strength within me that for a while was hidden, but there throughout the journey.

One important thing that I learned is bad things happen which can lead to greater joy.  Many of the falls I took involved jobs that were not meant for me and ended up making me feel like a failure . . . even though it was not me who was the failure, but the system itself.  It was not meant to be, but I had to go there . . . it was a part of my journey.

One door closes, another opens . . . you just have to have the courage to walk through the open doors of the unknown.

Peace, love and much happiness to all . . .

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Saturday, August 20, 2011

Indescribable joy and love

~ An Old Fashioned Love Song | Three Dog Night ~

Joy is a return to the deep harmony of body, mind, and spirit that was yours at birth and that can be yours again. That openness to love, that capacity for wholeness with the world around you, is still within you. (Deepak Chopra)

The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself. (Henry Miller)

Now that I'm feeling better and finally up and around again after being hit with that awful flu, I can really enjoy every moment of planning our wedding.

We already have the marriage license in our hands. It was at that courthouse moment that it all came rushing to me . . . the deep harmony of body, mind and spirit of becoming one with another person. I'm feeling the wholeness of life again and the emotions are almost indescribable for me to express.

Joy and love are an infectious combination. As my body started healing from the flu, that silly feeling took its place. The crazy little smile on my face and giggles for no reason tells the story.

It is ironic that I found the quote about paying close attention to anything, like a blade of grass . . . I've found that magnificence and mystery in my Captain's sparkly eyes.

How awesome is that?

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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Intentions without energy

"Activity is not achievement. 
It is not enough to rush about beginning a lot of things and keeping busy. 
A well-spent life is one that rounds out what it has begun."
-- Eknath Easwaran

"Genius begins great works; labor alone finishes them."
-- Joseph Joubert

"Good to begin well, better to end well."
-- English proverb

Energy is set in motion when we say we are going to do something.  Intention is meaningless when we fail to act.  Better to choose our words wisely . . . say what we mean and mean what we say.

My recurring theme has been overwhelm and procrastination for way too long.  Although my intentions are good, I don't always do what I say I'm going to do . . . for whatever reason.

This is in my thoughts again since I have been fighting a flu or maybe it is just plain nerves getting ready for our wedding.  Whatever it is has had me ill . . . 

During my down times I feel guilty about all those things I didn't do when I was feeling better.  It is a vicious cycle that I really need to control more effectively.  Although I have consciously done better than in the past, it still isn't good enough.  Maybe I should just be more patient with myself and acknowledge the process, quit beating myself up over it and keep trying to get it right.  

Sometimes it is better to go with the flow, prioritize what needs to be done and don't set unrealistic goals expectations . . . and don't verbalize it, just do it.  

Anything else is a setup for failure when it comes to a mind that tends to accentuate the negative and the struggle with depression.

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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The proposal of marriage

“To love and be loved is to
 feel the sun from both sides.” 

~ David Viscott ~

~ Don't Let This Moment End (remix) | Gloria Estefan ~

The Captain made it official and asked me to marry him . . . and of course I said yes!

Wikipedia describes marriage as "a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship."  For me, it is a deeply spiritual commitment that binds two people in the most meaningful way with mutual respect and love for each other til death do you part.

Although I was previously married, it feels like the first time . . . needless to say, I'm deliriously happy to share my life with the most perfect person in this world for me who I am madly in love with . . . and he's my best friend.

I'm feeling the sun from both sides :)

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