It hasn't been a good time. Sometimes life will throw some unpleasant stuff our way. At times we go through it with flying colors, unscathed emotionally. Other times it stops us in our tracks and just doing normal, routine things are a big chore.
The other night everything got to me in a big way and I had a bit of a melt down.
A conversation with my mom started the whole thing. She was feeling a little depressed, missing my dad, the way things were, not wanting to even sit in her back yard because it brought back good memories of times that were gone. She cried and cried. And it got to me. She talked about living on borrowed time since she is getting older.
Don't we all go through that scenario whether we want to admit it or not?
That conversation brought me to thoughts of my past and those who have passed away and left such a void in my life. There are times I think of those special people individually, but this time, it was all of them at one time. It was too much to handle, along with the thought of my mom's mortality . . . and mine.
I don't have many true friends. My nature is to not trust anyone enough to let them close. Friends have hurt me deeply in my life, so there are only a few that I trust. Two of them have passed away since JR died.
Rose was my best friend going all the way back to junior high school. We were silly pre-teens when we met. She and I went through all those silly things we go through in our teen years going into our adult years. We remained best friends until she passed away a few years ago. She was the sister I never had and my only best friend to not hurt me through all those years. That is special. You would not believe how many times I want to pick up the phone to share something with her . . . and I realized she has vanished from my life like a puff of smoke. It tears me up . . .
Nolan was my neighbor of like 20 something years or so. He had always been there to lend JR a helping hand with projects around the house, was a frequent visitor and became my angel from God after JR passed away. His death was sudden and extra painful. When he bought his motorcycle, I got a bad feeling. He assured me not to worry since he was the most careful driver with a respect for the motorcycle. Well, to avoid hitting a dog on the highway, he went out of control and hit a tree. He died instantly. He was here one moment and the next he's gone. I remember hearing him leave on the motorcycle that morning and his sense of adventure put a smile on my face . . . only to break my heart at the end of the day.
I started thinking about them . . . and my godfather, my aunt's mother, my biological father, my brother's mother-in-law and brother-in-law, my nano and especially my nana who was like my mother. All those thoughts at one time was way too much for me to handle.
Always on my mind is JR . . . the person I committed my life to until death do we part, but I still can't get over him being gone. I miss him and the life we shared.
Those of us who have experienced the death of someone special will go through these times. The good and bad feelings come and go, leaving us to go on with life as usual. Some waves of grief are rougher than others . . .