Readdressing an old struggle

Today The Captain and I attended a "Quit Smoking" workshop and I am officially a non-smoker again.  He is on Day #19 since he was ready to stop before I was.  We are on our way to one of my biggest dreams, to be a non-smoker again.

Last time I quit was for two years and I felt wonderful and so proud of myself for the major accomplishment and best thing I ever did for myself.  The following blog posts from back in the day shows the pride I felt. 

Sadly, my addiction to love was stronger . . . and I fell in love with The Captain, who was a smoker.  As things work out, nothing is ever perfect and I could not fight being around someone smoking and not enjoying a cigarette myself.  "Just one" turned into becoming a smoker again.  I found that awesome love I was searching for, but it came at a price.

It is something I haven't written about . . . feeling the failure of falling down and starting to smoke again after working so hard to quit.  Having to face my family, one person at a time, having to admit I had failed and was once again smoking broke my heart.  The looks of disappointment were difficult to deal with.

So much has changed since those days.  My personal life has totally changed, married The Captain and we are now retired (at least for now).  

What is ironic is while some things change so drastically, some things never change . . . dealing with some type of a struggle.  The old blog posts show that. I was struggling with the need for someone to love and knowing that he was out there.  I love going back to those old posts!

I really hate those struggles that must be readdressed, but this one is so very important and would make me so happy.  Once addicted to whatever the addiction is, we are always addicted and should never fool ourselves into thinking we are infallible.  We definitely are.

Since successfully going through the quit smoking thing, even though it was not forever, I feel as though it is not hopeless as I once thought.  I know cigarettes are not a thing that I can't give up.  And I know I will.  

But I will always be addicted.

Today I am patting myself on the back for Day #1 and the decision to just do it again.

Originally posted on April 3, 2008

The following entry represents a time in my life that makes me appreciate my present life circumstances so much. It was a time of disappointment and changes . . . a time of realization of the new world I had been thrown into when I became a widow.

The love and companionship of a husband, lover, soul mate and best friend that I cherished was gone and the realization that I may never feel those awesome feelings again with someone else. After all, how could I think that I would be so lucky to find it twice in my life when most people don't ever experience that kind of love in their life.

It was also a time of change and amazing strength going through the withdrawals of quitting smoking. There were times that I thought I was truly going crazy. Addictions do that to you and I was kicking the habit of two of them . . . cigarettes and love.

I've always been addicted to love and guess I always will be although I have finally accepted the fact that if God intends for me to have love in my life again it will happen whether I want it to or not. I don't worry about it anymore. In fact I'm quite content now that I've found an awesome job that I enjoy and constantly challenges me.

In times of change and difficulties, don't we all tend to be way too hard on ourselves? Seems like I have spent a lot of time beating myself up . . . I still do, but I've made tremendous progress although I expect way too much of myself, but I don't see that as a totally bad thing.

As for my smoking addiction, I still have not picked up a single cigarette since quitting and today is Day #505 since I kicked the habit. Major accomplishment for a three-pack a day smoker!

My primary New Year's Resolution for 2008 was to find peace, happiness and contentment with a positive attitude to keep the balance on bad days. For the most part, it is working for me. Sure, I have my bad days, but they are few and far between . . . I call that progress and I have so much to be grateful for, especially after reading my blog entries like the one that follows.

Some of my daydreams have already been fulfilled . . .



Originally posted on January 21, 2007

Still thinking about Prince Charming . . . can't get him off of my mind. I have mentioned that I don't see his face, but he is familiar and I do know what he looks like. I have a definite "type" . . . and I know exactly what I want. The good thing about that is you know it when you see it.

This is a crazy good kind of thing tonight, the glass is half full kind of thing . . . I am talking out loud, just rambling and much like daydreaming. I asked for peace prayers last night from my friends and tonight I am feeling so much more optimistic about my life in general.

I've tried to get some work done, but I can't. My bills are covered, so why don't I just give myself a break from something and lighten up the load a bit . . . stop overloading the brain. Without a doubt, I know that I think too much. Sometimes it is good to be irresponsible.

God knows who my Prince Charming is, he made him for me and me for him, and at some point in our lives, we will appear to each other at the appropriate time and know for ourselves. He is the person in the song lyrics that follow in the song "Hear Me" by Kelly Clarkson.

There is something I was thinking about tonight . . . I went through this craving for true love before I met my husband when I was constantly disappointed for one reason or another . . . and it happened exactly as it was written . . . "good things come to those who wait . . ." It really is a craving, one that does not ever go away, yet sometimes they are stronger than others. This one feels different, almost like it has been taken out of my control. He is near . . . I feel him . . . I see him . . . he is familiar.

Then again, I could be getting these cravings because I want a cigarette so bad . . . just kidding, I know the difference, but both are difficult to struggle through in their own ways. By the way, you are considered a non-smoker after six months, so I am 1/3 of the way there. WOW I feel awesome about that . . .

Thank you to all my friends who prayed for me last night. You helped me through a bad moment in time and I so appreciate all of you. I'm here for you too! Have an awesome Sunday!

"Hear Me" recorded by Kelly Clarkson

Hear me
Hear me

You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me

Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me

I used to be scared of
Letting someone in
But it gets so lonely
Being on my own
No one to talk to
And no one to hold me
I'm not always strong
Oh, I need you here
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me

I'm restless and wild
I fall, but I try
I need someone to understand
Can you hear me?
I'm lost in my thoughts
And baby I've fought
For all that I've got
Can you hear me?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me

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The beautiful part of love

During troubling times, someone to wipe away the tears.

Someone to chase away the restless fears.

The song Why Worry? is one of the most romantic

 and beautiful songs I have ever heard.

These lyrics in particular really touched me today . . .

It is what partners in love should be all about,

especially during difficult times . . .

"Baby, when I get down I turn to you,

And you make sense of what I do
And, no, it isn't hard to say.

But, baby, just when this world
Seems mean and cold
Our love comes shining red and gold

And all the rest is by the way."

If you have found this kind of love, never let it go!

Why Worry? | Art Garfunkel

Baby, I see this world has made you sad,
Some people can be bad
The things they do, the things they say.
But, baby, I'll wipe away those bitter tears.
I'll chase away those restless fears
That turn your blue skies into gray.

Why Worry?
There should be laughter after pain,
There should be sunshine after rain,
These things have always been the same,
So why Worry, now?
Why worry, now?

Baby, when I get down I turn to you,
And you make sense of what I do
And, no, it isn't hard to say.

But, baby, just when this world
Seems mean and cold
Our love comes shining red and gold
And all the rest is by the way.

Why worry?
There should be laughter after pain,
There should be sunshine after rain,
These things have always been the same,
So why Worry, now?
Why worry, now?

Why worry?
There should be laughter after pain,
There should be sunshine after rain,
These things have always been the same,
So why worry, now?

There should be laughter after pain,
There should be sunshine after rain,
These things have always been the same,
So why Worry, now?
Why worry, now?
Why worry? Why worry, now?

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Embrace the struggle and love it

Many thanks to my Google+ friend Chad, who introduced me to the awesome wisdom of Mark Nepo.

"Fighting The Instrument" is one of his poems I discovered while checking out his website.  It is a reminder that we are strengthened by our struggles, while we fight "the lesson" all the way and curse the storm as it happens.

What is it about our human nature that finds it difficult to "embrace the change," even when we have been awakened to the fact that it usually leads to something better?  Why do we not love the struggle and open ourselves to the unknown changes to come?  

The conclusion I have reached in my journey through a lifetime of struggles is that change is scary since it is unknown.  We hold on to "what is" because we know what "it" is and have become comfortable with it, no matter how bad it is. 

The unknown is scarier than the storm itself until we can finally realize that the "calm" always comes after the storm.  The realization itself can be scary, or so it seems to me.  

It is a lesson I have yet to learn through all the storms I've experienced . . .

Fighting The Instrument

 by Mark Nepo

Often the instruments of change
are not kind or just
and the hardest openness
of all might be
to embrace the change
while not wasting your heart
fighting the instrument.

The storm is not as important
as the path it opens.
The mistreatment in one life
never as crucial as the clearing
it makes in your heart.

This is very difficult to accept.
The hammer or cruel one
is always short-lived
compared to the jewel
in the center of the stone.

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Communication techniques for a healthy relationship

While there are disagreements that fall under the category of "agree to disagree," it is always the better practice to develop good communication techniques to resolve disagreements in a relationship.  

Leaving issues unresolved can lead to resentment that can turn into a big ugly monster.

Slay the big ugly monster before he even shows that ugly face by developing some great communication techniques.

The following is what my research found on good communication . . .

1. It is important to give your full attention with no distractions like the television or sitting behind the computer to really listen to what the other person is saying.

2. You should repeat back to them what you heard them say . . . "what I hear you saying is . . ."  Sometimes what we think we hear is not exactly what was said, so be sure to really know and understand what they are telling you.

3. Speak up and express your feelings. No one is a mind reader! They won't know what you are feeling unless you tell them.

4. Speak in a non-threatening manner in a calm tone. When threatened, the response is usually a defensive one that is counter-productive to good communication.

5. Take a break from the conversation and give each other space if the conversation becomes heated to prevent further escalation which leads to saying hurtful things to each other. Do you really hear what the other person is saying while yelling? Calm down and step away before it gets to that point.

6. Eye contact and giving the other person your full attention is very important since great communication can also be non-verbal.  Back to #1 . . . turn off the television and computer . . . no distractions.

7. Allow enough time to have your conversation without the feeling of either person being rushed which helps put all of the other communication techniques into practice.

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How to Stop Worrying

“Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.”

Swedish Proverb

Isn't that the truth?

As much as I hate the robbing of my peace of mind that worrying brings, I can't stop.  Sometimes it feels like an addiction, other times I feel cursed.

There are times the serenity prayer works, you know, don't worry about those things you can't control.  Somehow, the mind can trick you into believing that you DO have control about the thing, so off you go on your worry journey.

In my case, I truly believe it is a learned thing since both my grandmother and mother have had the affliction since I can remember.  My experience with them has shown me how ridiculous and to what lengths the worry emotion will take you, but I convince myself I am not as extreme.

One of my favorite blogs, The Positivity Blog, posted an article "How to Stop Worrying: 9 Simple Habits" that really hit home and made a lot of sense to me.  What follows is an excerpt of that article.  The source link follows the post.

1. Most of things you worry about have never happened.

I love this quote by Winston Churchill:

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.”

I have found it to be very true in my own life.

So when you feel worries starting to pop up ask yourself this:

How many of the things I feared would happen in my life did actually happen?

If you are anything like me then the answer will be: very few. And the very few ones that actually happened were mostly not as painful or terrible as I had expected.

Worries are most often just monsters you build in your own mind.

I find that asking myself this question regularly and reminding myself of how little of the worries that actually came to life makes easier and easier to stay calm and to stop a worried thought before it becomes a big snowball of negativity.

2. Avoid getting lost in vague fears.

When fears feel vague in your mind, when you lack clarity then it is very easy to get lost in exaggerated worries and disaster scenarios.

So find clarity in a worry-inducing situation by asking yourself:

Honestly and realistically, what is the worst that could happen?

When I have answered that question then I follow it up with spending a bit of time on figuring out what I can do about it if that pretty unlikely thing happens.

In my experience, the worst that could realistically happens is usually not as scary as what my mind could make up when it is running wild with vague fears.

Spending a few minutes on finding clarity in this way can save you whole lot of time, energy and suffering.

3. Don’t try to guess what is on someone’s mind.

Trying to read someone’s mind usually doesn’t work too well at all. Instead, it can very easily lead to creating an exaggerated and even disastrous scenario in your mind.

So choose a way that is less likely to lead to worries and misunderstandings.

Communicate and ask what you want to ask.

By doing so you’ll promote openness in your relationship and it will likely be happier as you avoid many unnecessary conflicts and negativity.

4. Say stop in a situation where you know you cannot think straight.

From time to time when I am hungry or when I am lying in bed and are about to go to sleep I can become mentally vulnerable. And so worries can more easily start buzzing around in my head.

In the past this often lead to many minutes of time that where no fun.

These days I have become better at catching such thoughts quickly and to say to myself:

No, no, we are not going to think about this now.

I then follow that up with saying this to myself:

I will think this situation or issue through at a time when I know that my mind will work much better.

Like when I have eaten. Or in the morning when I have gotten my sleep.

It takes some practice to apply this one consistently and effectively but it also makes a big difference in my life.

5. Remember, people don’t think about you and what you do as much as you may think.

They have their hands full with thinking about what other people think of them. And with thinking about what is closest to their hearts like their children, pets, a partner or the job or school.

So don’t get lost in worries about what people may think or say if you do something. Don’t let such thoughts hold you back in life.

6. Work out.

Few things work so well and consistently as working out to release inner tensions and to move out of a headspace that is extra vulnerable to worries.

I also find that working out – especially with free weights – makes me feel more decisive and focused.

So even though working out helps me to build a stronger body my main motivation to keep doing it is for the wonderful and predictable mental benefits.

7. Let your worry out into the light.

This is one of my favorites. Because it tends to work so well.

By letting your “big” worry out into the light and talking about it with someone close to you it becomes a whole lot easier to see the situation or issue for what it really is.

Just venting for a few minutes can make a big difference and after a while you may start to wonder what you were so worried about in the first place.

Sometimes the other person may only have to listen as you work through the situation yourself out loud.

At other times it can be very helpful to let the other person ground you and help you find a more practical and useful perspective on the situation at hand.

If you do not have anyone to talk to at the moment about the worry bouncing around in your mind then let it out by writing about it. Just getting it out of your head and reasoning about with yourself either on paper or in a journal on your computer can help you to calm down and find clarity.

8. Spend more time in the present moment.

When you spend too much time reliving the past in your mind then it easy to start feeding your worries about the future. When you spend too much time in the future then is also easy to get swept away by disaster scenarios.

So focus on spending more of your time and attention in the present moment.

Two of my favorite ways to reconnect with what is happening right now:

• Slow down. Do whatever you are doing right now but do it slower. Move, talk, eat or ride your bicycle slower. By doing so you’ll become more aware of what is happening all around you right now.
• Disrupt and reconnect. If you feel you are starting to worry then disrupt that thought by shouting this to yourself in your mind: STOP! Then reconnect with the present moment by taking just one or two minutes to focus to 100% on what is going on around you. Take it all in with all your senses. Feel it, see it, smell it, hear it and sense it on your skin.

9. Refocus on the small step you can take to move forward.

To move out the worried headspace I find it really, really helpful to just start moving and taking action to start solving or improving whatever I am concerned about.

So I ask myself:

What is one small step I can take right now to start improving this situation I am in?

Then I focus on just taking that small step forward. After that I find another small step and I take that one too.

Source

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Declaration of Love

If you love someone, let them know.

It’s easy to take our feelings for granted and to assume that the people we care about know how we feel about them. But while those we love are often quite cognizant of our feelings, saying “I love you” is a gift we should give to our loved ones whenever we can. Letting people know you love them is an important part of nurturing any kind of loving relationship. Few people tire of being told they are loved, and saying “I love you” can make a world of difference in someone’s life, take a relationship to a new level, or reaffirm and strengthen a steady bond. Everyone needs to hear the words “I love you.” Three simple words – I - Love - You. When you declare your love for someone you admit to them that you care for them in the most significant way.

It can be difficult to express your love using words, particularly if you grew up around people that never expressed their affection verbally. But you should never be afraid to say “I love you” or worry that doing so will thrust you into a position of excessive vulnerability. It is important to share your feelings with those that matter to you. Part of the fulfillment that comes with loving someone is telling them that you love them. Besides, love exists to be expressed, not withheld.

If you love someone, let them know. Don’t be afraid of the strength of your emotions or worry that your loved one won’t feel the same way. Besides, the words “I love you” are often best said to another without expectation of a return investment. As each one of us is filled with an abundance of love, there is never any worry that you’ll run out of love if your expression of love isn’t said back to you. Saying “I love you” is a gift of the heart sent directly via words to the heart of a recipient. Even though it may not always look that way, love from the heart is an offering that is always unconditional and given without strings attached. That is the true essence of the gift of “I love you.”

Source:  Daily Om

Happy Valentine's Day!

It is that one day that the special gift of love, the declaration of love does come with strings attached.  The declaration of love on Valentine's Day is expected to be reciprocated.  Isn't it?

Withheld love is a hopeless romantic's most horrific nightmare, just a thought that crossed my mind as I read the above quote from Daily Om.

Everyone deserves to be cared for in a significant way, declared not only in words, but in actions.  Not only on Valentine's Day, but every day.

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