Pet Grief

When I lost my sweet Betsy, the grief was as overwhelming as losing a member of the family.  To make matters worse, it was during the Christmas season.

That was back in 1999, the end of a decade and the end of one of the most treasured relationships in my life. The loss of a pet can be devastating and most people don't understand the pain involved.  I still think of her often, especially when I look into the loving eyes of my sweet Kiki, whose little personality reminds me so much of Betsy.

Click here for an article about pet grief . . . hope it helps someone who is hurting about the loss of a beloved pet.

read more

Encourage Yourself

Treating yourself with the same gentleness

and respect you afford others can give

you the strength to accomplish what 

you want in life.

Feelings of unworthiness could negatively affect your self-confidence and cause you to judge yourself harshly. 

Giving yourself the same kind of encouragement you would give others can make you feel more confident and give you the strength to keep striving for success. When you treat yourself with respect and encouragement, you will find that all you desire becomes easier to reach.

Source:  Daily Om

The above was part of my horoscope for today.

It has been a rough week and I have beat myself up pretty badly.  My thoughts have been self-defeating and negative.  The taunting of my dad telling me how unworthy I am keeps creeping into my thoughts and won't go away.  I needed this message today!

Encouragement is my word of the day and I am so glad this message popped up for me today.  It is time to respect myself and give myself credit for everything positive and do those things that bring me joy because I deserve it.

Time to lose the negativity!

read more

Fear of Moving On

Either you decide to stay in the shallow end

of the pool or you go out in the ocean.

Christopher Reeve

If you listen to your fears, you will die
never knowing what a great person
you might have been

Robert H. Schuller

I wrote the following post many years ago.  The Captain was already an awesome friend, but it was before we became serious about getting together.  Actually, I was involved with two other guys I was contemplating moving on with.  The big question was "am I ready?"

The theme of the post is fear and feeling safe.  While I am so thankful I got through the fear of moving on and eventually let The Captain into my life and got married, fears still keep me from moving on with my life in different ways.

When I think that I am hopeless with all these fears I still have, I feel gratitude for the progress I have made since JR passed away.  The post I wrote back in 2009 proves that to me and I don't feel so crazy.

Originally published April 15, 2009


What would you do if you weren't at all afraid?

For someone who has way too many fears, I often ask myself that question. Most of my life I've been fearless in pursuit of what strikes my fancy, however, in past years my fearless nature has been tamed to the extreme.

There seems to be an inordinate need to be "safe" . . . staying in my comfort zone prevents me from living a truly satisfying life as I once experienced with such a zest for life.

Perhaps this is all a result of the grief process . . . the extreme life changes . . . and hopefully my "normal" zest for life will return. Fear of failure has gripped my heart and soul where I once followed every dream after making the plan, I now analyze everything to death before making any significant move . . . fearful of the outcome rather than approaching the situation in my usual carefree but cautious manner.

Moments of attaining my ying/yang life balance are coming back with regularity, but leave me with that "fear of failing mentality" with as much regularity. Time heals all wounds and I see this as one of the most important areas of my life to gain control over.

The fear is like a security blanket that I have found difficult to let go of . . . why? It doesn't really keep me safe and keeps me from moving on with my life. Did I just hit on the answer? Is it a fear of moving on and letting go of life as it was? Still feeling the guilt of moving on?

Fate and destiny brings people into our lives at different times for various reasons. Someone from my past has come back into my life who I have always loved, respected, have an extreme comfort with, passion for and would trust with my life . . . my first love.  

TRUST AND LOVE . . . isn't that what my major relationship problems have been in recent past?

Why am I still not ready?

My thoughts of moving on are becoming more realistic. There is no doubt in my mind why "he" is back in my life . . . to cross that huge bridge in my path with me . . . it scares me.

There are times when people drift out of my life and at the time I wonder why, yet always find the answer with the passage of time. The reasons are always for my benefit whether I consciously agree or not. One door closes and another opens . . . the biggest obstacle is walking through that door. Perhaps there is a reason why . . .

Is there anything you would change about your life?

Has fear kept you from doing something you want to do?

Back to present time . . . the reason was The Captain was my destiny!

read more

Support of your loved ones

The strength that your loved ones give you could inspire you to examine a more challenging life path. 

The aid and support of your loved ones can give you the courage to make the most of the opportunities you have been given. The people who care for you are a resource that you can draw from for support, and the value they can add to your experience is unlimited. Knowing that you are loved can raise your self-esteem, help you feel more comfortable taking risks, and empower you to believe in yourself. Because the people that are important to you will always support you, you’ll be less afraid of failure and more likely to try again should you falter. When you feel bolstered by your loved ones, you will see that anything is possible.

Source:  Daily OM

Growing up, my dad always called me stupid, nothing I did was ever good enough, always raising the bar of expectations as they were close to being reached.  Maybe in his warped way of thinking he was shaping me to be a better and stronger person, not knowing the lifelong damage it would do to me.

For most of my young life, I tried so hard to meet his expectations that were never going to be met.   The result?  As a young adult, I spiralled out of control and was thrust out in a world that I was not ready for, however, deep down inside I knew that I was not that stupid little girl that I was made to believe I was all my life.

Armed with traces of self-confidence from my past accomplishments that I knew were a good thing, I set out to prove to myself that the stupid little girl was never real.  It was a figment of my dad's warped imagination.  Why a person would do that to an innocent little girl is beyond my comprehension.

As time went on, I did prove to myself that I am a very intelligent person with compassion for others.  The compassion came from understanding the emotional hardships we all go through and what they do to our mental health.  However, self-esteem has always been a problem for me, no matter what I accomplish.

There have been people in my life who have recognized my problem with self-esteem and used it as a weapon against me.  It personally stops me in my tracks when I recognize it is happening and makes me wonder why this person is still in my life and their trait of flawed compassion questions my capacity to make wise choices.

It doesn't have to be loved ones.  The support of those we admire means so much . . . think about it.  Compassion and support from others is a treasured gift that should be cherished when you find it.

  

read more

The Defense Mode and Falling Down

There are some lines in the song "Falling Down" from Duran Duran that have inspired me today:

"Why has the sky turned gray? 

Hard to my face and cold on my shoulder.  

Why has my life gone astray?  

Why has my luck run dry?"

Defense mode is where I'm at, I've fallen down because of it and forgiveness has been impossible to come by.  

Before I hit the ground, someone I love very much was hurting very badly and I could not bear her pain any longer.  As a result, I did something I thought was right.  

I still think I was right, but feeling like I'm in defense mode and I hate it, resent those responsible very much even though I still love them and don't want them out of my life.  My intentions were good, but they blew up in my face.  

I am not an effective confronter and people generally use it against me!


I came across an old newsletter from Mastin Kipp and the following excerpt from his writing took over my thoughts.

"The pain was a little deeper than normal because these are folks I care about and respect. On top of that, I really try my best to walk my talk, so when I mess up, I am really good at beating myself up, which is like a double negative and almost worse than the original mistake."  

First let me say that I don't relate because I think "I messed up" . . . it is beating myself up over the situation with people I love that has me relating. The double negative is trying to make the hurting stop to begin with and ending up with these ugly feelings personally.

My usual mode is to stay out of conflicts and to remain in a neutral position, but that is great when nothing has touched me.  Mess with someone I love who I see hurting and I go blind, throwing all neutral attitudes out the window.  I am proud of myself for attempting to make the problem disappear, no matter the consequences.

Sometimes things don't work out as planned.

Why am I beating myself up over this?  I want to be peaceful, contemplate what has gone by and I get the feeling others want confrontation that is like sweeping it under the rug and try to pin the blame on me for coming forward to begin with.  

At this time I don't want or need the conflict or confrontation. For this I feel like I've fallen down, but it is the only thing I can do right now.  It is what I can handle emotionally.

Don't you hate when someone dances around a story?

As usual, I am writing to let my feelings out and hope to get rid of these times of beating myself up.  

Sorry for the vagueness, but my blog is no longer anonymous and I'll get myself into more of a pickle if I explain.  :(   

Times like these make me regret bringing my blogs into the reality of my life and all who are involved.  

I hate regrets!

Hopefully there is something in my story that will help someone else, which is why I love writing about how I am feeling.

When you have fallen down, you think you are the only one who is there.  If you have . . . do what I'm going to do . . . come to terms with the situation, get up, dust yourself off and start all over again.  

What will be will be . . . in the meantime, I choose to remain stubborn!

read more

Mistakes are the portals of discovery

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

James Joyce

Love the quote!

Artists and creative types will relate to the quote for sure.

When I've worked on creating jewelry or sewing, often a mistake brought on the discovery of a new technique.  Upon working on the new technique, many times it was so much better than my original technique or idea.

Inventors and explorers live the quote.  

Imagine Christopher Columbus or Walt Disney with fear and no vision!  We would be living in a different world with no Walt Disney World or Disneyland.  A world without Mickey Mouse!

Fear of failure will stop those mistakes from happening and also stopping whatever portals of discovery would have come out of the mistake.

A vivid imagination should never be wasted!

read more

Understanding the source

Taking time to understand the source of our emotions can help us resolve them and regain our centered state of mind. Feelings of confusion or uncertainty are often an indication of unresolved conflict within us. 

If we simply turn within and begin exploring these feelings in more detail, we will usually be able to discern the reasons for them. Once we understand the issues causing our distress, we can easily find a way to resolve them or at least come to a sense of peace and acceptance about them. We then feel more confident about our choices, and our confusion dissipates. 

Exploring your feelings more closely today will enable you to take control of your thoughts and feel confident. 

Source:  Daily Om



For those of you who go through roller coaster emotions . . . don't you get tired of trying to understand and just want to feel like a normal person?

My latest emotional phase is more negative than positive.  No doubt it is a result of making the attempt to moderate my meds.  It is not a hopeless phase, it is more of a "I don't care" phase.  I just know I feel like crap emotionally and I want it to just go away.  I'm tired of analyzing it.

My birthday is a few days away and that has a lot to do with it.  I want it to go away and not celebrate another year of getting older.  I definitely do not want to slip into a pity party instead.  

The goal has to be a celebration of life itself.  The emotional baggage is becoming way too heavy!

read more

Fear and Emotional Honesty

It is sad to live in a world where honesty is feared.  People are nosy by nature and always want to know "why" for so many things.  The tendency to pry into the life of one who is not so easy to get close to is a sure way to make them run away and never come back.

What does that have to do with emotional honesty?

"Being honest in a relationship means you tell the truth. 

If you are lying, that puts a barrier between you and the other person. 

Maybe ask yourself the reason you are lying. 

Are you hiding who you truly are? 

Are you hiding because of your own judgments or is it really likely that the other person will reject or criticize you if they know the truth? 

If you are lying, then the relationship loses intimacy and safety.

Being honest doesn’t mean the same as passing judgement or making assumptions or giving an unsolicited opinion. Being honest is not saying something hurtful because you are hurt. Being honest means you express your emotions accurately and in a loving way. You stay on the same side. You don’t blame, name-call, or use the relationship to control what the other person does. Emotional honesty, factual honesty and respect support and nurture loving connections."

Source

The above is an excerpt from an article published by Psych Central, "Four Characteristics of Soul-Fulfilling Relationships" written by Karyn Hall, PhD.

Even a "little white lie" can chip away at trust in a relationship.  A lie is a lie is a lie . . . a betrayal, no matter how small or large.

When someone lies to me, the first question that usually comes to mind is "why did they tell the lie to begin with."  It continues from there . . . "How many times have they lied . . ."  I could go on and on.

Half truths are much like lies.  My intuition always tells me when something important is being swept under the rug.  Those things that are under that rug can start a roller coaster ride that sometimes goes out of control.  Trust flies out the window . . . and it also depends on the type of relationship you have with this person.

On the flip side . . . I started this post about fear of honesty.  It has been my experience that people in general are very insensitive and love to judge others. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves.

Call it paranoia, but in the past I have been so judged about my varying phobias and how I deal with them that I have gotten to where I don't want any new friends and having to "explain" why I can't do this or that.  It isn't worth it anymore.

I recently arranged to meet up with a childhood friend at a restaurant close to home and my "comfort zone."  We lost contact with each other after high school.  Actually, I was feeling pretty positive about seeing her again.  Then I got the message that her husband wanted to meet half way.  That place would have taken me way past my comfort zone and I just didn't want to explain why I could not comply with the request that, under normal circumstances would be considered reasonable.  

So, I cancelled and deactivated my Facebook account so I would not be asked to explain with all the dreaded questions about "why" . . . which leads to judging and even more questions that make me so uncomfortable.  Yes, I know she now thinks I am nuts, but probably would not have understood my issues anyway.  So I ran away from it.

In this case, honesty would have taken me to an all familiar uncomfortable place from my recent past that I don't want to be at again.  I'd rather not have new friends.

Most people don't "get" phobias and I'm tired of explaining them.  Just when I think I am managing better and take steps to move on, a situation arises to make me take many steps back.

It all makes me sad . . .

read more

Run Baby Run

This post is about a writing from the past.  I've been going through old posts from blogs no longer published and being nostalgic about where I've been as far as my emotions go.  This one is about running away . . . The Captain is trying to teach me not to do this anymore and I see my progress, yet recognize some old traits.

She's searching through the stations,

For an unfamiliar song,

And she pictures all the places,

She knows she still belongs,

And she smiles the secret smile,

Because she knows exactly how,

To carry on


lyrics from the song
Run Baby Run by
Sheryl Crow






ORIGINALLY POSTED OCTOBER 2007


There are three words I use all the time

that really do describe who I am best


♥♥♥ Peace, love & happiness ♥♥♥


That is my balance, my ying/yang thing . . .

when they are not in balance, I run to find it.



I'm lost without it

JR knew how to keep me there

and since he's been gone,

I've been lost.



I began finding it again through my keyboard

in the little box that sits on my desk

and in the words that come from my heart,

expressing myself, finding myself

I love to write about life.

"Past the arms of the familiar,

And their talk of better days,

To the comfort of the strangers"

I'm searching for that unfamiliar song, since I've said goodbye to the old familiar faces in my life, the backstabbers and the phony people who graced my life with smiles and beauty when they have to while they carry the knife behind their back.

I ran from my real life
and I'm still running

My life is not in balance, there is no peace, there is no happiness . . . love? Honestly I don't know. I always run before finding out. First I need to know who I am and that is what I'm trying to do here.

I don't like to get hurt . . . does anyone? My emotions are still raw and wounded from losing the most important person in my world.

He's gone and I'm still lost
still trying to figure out who I am

All that to explain I'm vulnerable and I sometimes let someone get close to me, not often. I write about my life very honestly and candidly, but few get inside my heart and soul. When I do, it is because I feel absolute trust in my heart . . . like a child instinctively trusts their mommy.

When that person uses something they know about me against me . . . it knocks the wind out of me. It momentarily destroys me, blinds me to the core of my being.

I know all those years as a professional in the corporate world should have made me hard and unfeeling, calloused to cruel people. I am to a certain point. All the classes, seminars and rah rah sessions I attended through the years to learn how to deal with people should be enough, huh? It was. I'm an awesome professional. My defense is that I don't let many past the personal walls I have built around my heart and soul. There are few that I allow close enough to hurt me.

I'm fiercely competitive and I hate it when someone takes me on. I'd rather run . . . I'm emotionally tired of fighting these type of people and they know it. It gives them power over me. I want happiness with peace and hopefully lots of love.

So I run and they win
Is anything worth a fight?
Not anymore
Honestly, I think I will be happier just writing and not involving myself with the social networking thing anymore. I've made lots of awesome friendships that I will maintain and forget about having the big page with the big social network of constantly meeting new people and the constant hope of meeting my Prince Charming. I'm over it. For now, I just want to write and be creative.
God will provide me with what I need

read more

Love your anxiety?

The first step in using wisdom is finding ways to take a negative and turn it into a positive.  Right?

While hating my anxiety with a passion, this article is making me want to re-train my mind in the way I think and react to it.  

Quoting from the article . . . 

"We get it, too much anxiety is not good; when anxiety reaches the point where it impedes your day-to-day functioning, that's too much anxiety; and we accept the fact that anxiety has roots in evolutionary terms, enabling adaptive responses that can be life-saving."

Click on the link for some ideas on enabling adaptive responses to your anxiety.

read more

Give Me A Break!

Sometimes finding the answer is as easy as taking a break and stepping back from the situation.

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in our thoughts that we wind up going round in round in circles, finding it difficult to concentrate on things and, because we are so distracted, not really accomplishing much.

There may be signals—mental, emotional, and physical—that tell us we need to slow down and relax. Since we are so involved in things that are external to us, however, we may easily overlook what is really going on inside of us.

It is during these times that we need to step back from the things that occupy our minds and take time out to connect with our inner self, giving our minds, bodies, and spirits the time they need to reenergize and heal. 

Giving ourselves respite from our daily concerns is like giving a gift to ourselves. By stepping away from the problems that seem to saturate our thoughts, we lessen the weight of our troubles and instead become more receptive to the wisdom and answers the universe has to offer us.

 Source:  Daily Om

Crawling out of my latest emotional darkness resulting from unexpected feelings brought out by the terrorist attack in Orlando has not been easy.  It has been a matter of shutting my thoughts down and finally getting the rest I need.

You don't know how important quality sleep is until your body tells you it is time to catch up.  So, not feeling so well this morning, I decided to watch television in bed and try to relax.  After getting constant sleep through the afternoon, I woke up to an awesome energized feeling.  Not totally energized, but getting there.

The hardest thing for me to do has been turn off the news.  I'm a news junkie!  Seems like I thrive on it. After a good start, I am back to watching the news channel again.  What can I say?  I'm a geek!

My latest endeavor is watching the news with a new perspective . . . don't fret what you can't change, things that are happening are happening and I just have to change the way I react to it.  The Captain picked up the remote control as if to change the channel when he caught me yelling at the television.  They can't hear me!! I must remember this and react accordingly.  It isn't worth getting all upset over things that stupid people do.

That is when I thought I would try to change my "rainy day in New York City" . . . so far so good.  I've even made it through this ridiculous discussion about the release of the 911 calls and how it was done.  

Everything will be fine until I hear about the non-Trump people's latest idea of dumping Trump.  Perhaps they need to catch up on some sleep and just chill out.  Give me a break and just accept who "the people" voted to be our nominee.

read more

Coping with death and grief amid a senseless tragedy

"Each of us is more than capable of helping the world, despite our fears and limitations and the uncertainty that holds us back. It is commonly accepted that it is impossible to make a difference without unlimited funding or free time, yet most healing, cleansing, and spreading of joy is accomplished in a matter of minutes." 

Source

Almost a week has passed since the terrorist attack on the nightclub in Orlando.  It has taken me all this time to make an attempt to write about how I am feeling aside from the politics of it all.

Being the compassionate person that I am, it has hit me to the pit of my soul with tremendous grief that I can't explain.  I don't know any of those affected by one man's anger and rage, but I can stand in their shoes in my thoughts and prayers for them.  News reports that featured the loved ones and victims brought me to tears that didn't go away after the report.  It was the same for me after 9/11.  

Senseless tragedy . . . these young people were here one moment enjoying a night out on the town, the next moment groveling on the blood filled floor next to dead bodies fighting to survive or huddled in a bathroom with countless others also fearing their impending death.  And then there are the victims who were left on the floor for days in a pool of blood.  The visions are haunting me.

One survivor's story really hit me hard for some reason.  His legs were shot and he could not walk.  When police came in to rescue those who had survived, he had to be drugged on the floor through dead bodies, glass and blood to get him outside in order to be transported to the hospital.  You could see the pain in his eyes as he told his story.  A nightmare none of them will soon forget.  I know I will not soon forget.

In addition to feeling the pain of these people, those who had to wait way too long to learn of their loved one's fate . . . days of agony . . . the survivors who feel guilty for living after witnessing hell on earth (I could go on and on) . . . I am feeling extreme helplessness and a sinking feeling for our world society.

Those of us who have experienced the sudden death of a loved one, the shock of a nightmare that will live with us forever and the acceptance of "life as it is now" can somehow relate to the pain of losing those young people whose potential in this world had not yet been found.  Their lives had just begun.  Senseless tragedy and the long road of surviving grief that has just begun.

It made me sick to my stomach as our president visited those same people going through so much pain and grief who had to endure the rants of a politician playing politics.  Not the time and place!  He should be ashamed of himself . . . but it is exactly what I thought he would do.  Adding insult to injury . . . isn't that special?

All this talk of the realization of the world we live in has made me extra apprehensive about leaving the house and the return of agonizing anxiety.  I have been fighting this problem for years and in many ways have proven that I can conquer it, only to remind me of one of the reasons I am fearful to leave my comfort zone. All I know is that in the midst of weaning myself off of anti-depressant and anxiety medication, I'm confused on how to proceed with my struggle to become normal again.

I feel better after letting my feelings out into words . . . writing has always been my best therapy.  I hope you do the same if you are experiencing the same feelings.  Let it out . . . start a private blog if don't want the world to know how you feel.  I hope by making my feelings known, it helps even one person going through the same anxiety and . . . I wonder how many people out there are feeling the same.  

Amid the hopeless feelings for this precious world and those affected by the tragedy, all I can do is pray and have faith we can all learn to cope with our ever changing world.

read more

Deep Well of Confidence

Today's horoscope says that I could experience a sense of satisfaction by being acknowledged and appreciated by others today.

My question is this . . . can't the same sense of satisfaction be achieved by having a well of confidence in yourself and knowing when a job is well done?

The following is a quote from DailyOM . . .

"When we learn to praise ourselves and build our self-worth, we discover a deep well of confidence and inner strength that we can consistently rely on.

Though it is natural to desire validation and praise from others, acknowledgment from others can be an uncertain prospect at best.

We can be a much more reliable and constant source of self-acknowledgement and recognition. When others do praise or admire us, their acknowledgment becomes a nice bonus that we can freely enjoy but not be dependent upon.

By choosing to take responsibility for your own self-worth today, you can also enjoy praise from others while knowing that their recognition is simply the icing on the cake."

Icing on the cake is a good thing, however, it is not always available . . . don't depend on others for an awesome sense of satisfaction.  Set attainable goals, always do your best and give yourself kudos when they are deserved!

read more