This post is about a writing from the past. I've been going through old posts from blogs no longer published and being nostalgic about where I've been as far as my emotions go. This one is about running away . . . The Captain is trying to teach me not to do this anymore and I see my progress, yet recognize some old traits.
For an unfamiliar song,
And she pictures all the places,
She knows she still belongs,
And she smiles the secret smile,
Because she knows exactly how,
To carry on
lyrics from the song
Run Baby Run by
Sheryl Crow
There are three words I use all the time
that really do describe who I am best
♥♥♥ Peace, love & happiness ♥♥♥
That is my balance, my ying/yang thing . . .
when they are not in balance, I run to find it.
I'm lost without it
JR knew how to keep me there
and since he's been gone,
I've been lost.
I began finding it again through my keyboard
in the little box that sits on my desk
and in the words that come from my heart,
expressing myself, finding myself
I love to write about life.
"Past the arms of the familiar,
And their talk of better days,
To the comfort of the strangers"
And their talk of better days,
To the comfort of the strangers"
I'm searching for that unfamiliar song, since I've said goodbye to the old familiar faces in my life, the backstabbers and the phony people who graced my life with smiles and beauty when they have to while they carry the knife behind their back.
I ran from my real life
and I'm still running
My life is not in balance, there is no peace, there is no happiness . . . love? Honestly I don't know. I always run before finding out. First I need to know who I am and that is what I'm trying to do here.
I don't like to get hurt . . . does anyone? My emotions are still raw and wounded from losing the most important person in my world.
He's gone and I'm still lost
still trying to figure out who I am
All that to explain I'm vulnerable and I sometimes let someone get close to me, not often. I write about my life very honestly and candidly, but few get inside my heart and soul. When I do, it is because I feel absolute trust in my heart . . . like a child instinctively trusts their mommy.
When that person uses something they know about me against me . . . it knocks the wind out of me. It momentarily destroys me, blinds me to the core of my being.
I know all those years as a professional in the corporate world should have made me hard and unfeeling, calloused to cruel people. I am to a certain point. All the classes, seminars and rah rah sessions I attended through the years to learn how to deal with people should be enough, huh? It was. I'm an awesome professional. My defense is that I don't let many past the personal walls I have built around my heart and soul. There are few that I allow close enough to hurt me.
I'm fiercely competitive and I hate it when someone takes me on. I'd rather run . . . I'm emotionally tired of fighting these type of people and they know it. It gives them power over me. I want happiness with peace and hopefully lots of love.
So I run and they win
Is anything worth a fight?
Not anymore
Honestly, I think I will be happier just writing and not involving myself with the social networking thing anymore. I've made lots of awesome friendships that I will maintain and forget about having the big page with the big social network of constantly meeting new people and the constant hope of meeting my Prince Charming. I'm over it. For now, I just want to write and be creative.
God will provide me with what I need
