Our greatest glory

Life and death situations have always been the most difficult circumstance for me to deal with, although I have had to deal with those situations way too many times in my life.

The following post was written a short time after my mom had a heart attack.  Other than the time I found myself in the emergency room with my husband  before he died,  it was the scariest time of my life.

Even those of us who are plagued with depression, anxiety or phobias can find extraordinary faith, strength and courage in times of scary uncertainty.  It is a choice . . . at least that has been my experience.  The survival instinct kicks in for me . . . it is either that or completely fall apart.


I love this quote . . .


“A woman is like a tea bag:
 you cannot tell how strong she is
 until you put her in hot water.”  


Nancy Reagan

THIS POST WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED ON JULY 15, 2008 ON AN OLDER BLOG THAT IS NO LONGER PUBLIC

This is going to sound very strange, but today I am so grateful for the blue funky depression week that I just experienced. Not that feeling funky is considered failure, but I consider it falling down and having to pick myself back up.

The gratefulness comes from the fact that I can get back up. The reasons for being very depressed are so normal . . . life changing events do that to us, finding a loved one teetering on the edge of life and death is a scary thing.

The strength that I possessed in the midst of my mom's health crisis is something else I am so grateful for. One moment we were talking on the phone making plans to spend the day together and discussing what we were gonna do and the next thing I know. . . she's being whisked away to the ER and quickly rushed to surgery. She had a heart attack and I didn't have time to panic, although I spoke to God the whole time I was rushing to get a bag packed and make myself look presentable. I didn't panic . . . it was a definite test that I passed with flying colors. And I drove through a thunder and lightning rainstorm across town to get there.

Although I've had a week of pondering the rest of my life and accessed everything that happened last week other than the obvious life and death situation and generally came undone . . . I never lost my faith, even though I felt I was in the pit of hell. Knowing that I would come out of it . . . knowing that I had to in order to survive. Faith is a beautiful thing . . . I know even more today after walking through another fire that everything is gonna be just fine . . . maybe better than ever. There is always hope that tomorrow will bring the day that makes me deliriously happy again as long as I am blessed with another day of life.

It was finally time to get out in the fresh air today and I got caught in a rain storm which was just what I needed. The feeling of running around in the rain as a child came rushing back to me and I found myself smiling as I walked to my van. Once again I did not panic . . . usually I do . . . deathly afraid of Florida lightning that kills people routinely in my part of the world, but it was just rain, but I didn't know it. I just headed out because I had to. Confronting my fears is definite progress . . . I didn't run away.

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Frying Pan Moments

Doesn't the image and
 the phrase itself conjure up
 all kinds of thoughts in your head?

We've all had those times when we have had the

 urge to literally whack someone with a frying pan.

One of my new favorite blogs, Friko's World goes into an aspect of "frying pan moments," telling the story of an occasional house guest that does a certain thing that irritates her.

It wasn't really her treasured frying pan that she pampers carefully, never using detergent on it . . . and one of her guests carelessly uses it . . . "isn't it just a frying pan?" is what probably goes through his head.  She found herself fretting over future visits . . . no doubt thinking, "oh the poor frying pan will be defiled!!!"

Her therapist now asks the question, 

"any frying pan moments?" 

during their sessions.

Before I go any further with this post, I want to urge you to treat yourself to Friko's blog . . . she is an AWESOME writer!  Check out her story!

Her "frying pan moment" deals with resentment.

Don't we all have varying types of these moments?

In my comment to her post, I mentioned my "frying pan moments" that have nothing to do with resentment, anger, violence . . . nothing like that . . . it is entirely different.  It inspired me to write this post to delve into the concept of "frying pan moments" . . .

My moments deal with a strange

type of fear . . . and maybe grief?

Regular readers of my blog know that I am a widow who has moved on with another love after many years of being suddenly single.

Those years were spent in my house like a hermit with my stuff.  Much of that stuff never got moved . . . it was to stay as it was when my husband was still here on this earth with me.  It is how I wanted it . . . couldn't even think of getting rid of his clothes . . . taking them out of the drawers and closets into boxes felt like such a betrayal to him.

Even insignificant items that I didn't care about before took on new meaning.  ALMOST EVERYTHING that surrounded me was special stuff, representing my former life that was gone, never to return.  Maybe subconsciously I thought if it wasn't moved, he would miraculously return.  

Who knows what goes through our thoughts or the rationale of it when dealing with sudden death and grief . . . faced with aloneness without your life partner.

Fast forward a few years later . . . an awesome online relationship that started on Twitter turned into something more.  It wasn't until we discussed meeting that I started to worry about all of JR's stuff and my attachment to "the way things were" . . . could I seriously move on with someone else?

It was an issue that I seriously struggled with.

My frying pan moments with The Captain teeter on the edge of hilarious.  Thank God this man has an awesome sense of humor and compassion for the loyalty I hold for my former husband and the "stuff" associated with my former life.

For Friko, it was resentment . . . for me, it was a fear of change, it was a cringing of anything being broken, misplaced . . . you get the idea.  I often wonder about the other perspective of being on the other side of a frying pan moment.

My biggest frying pan moments come with organizing and redecorating the house to reflect our new life together.  

It is sometimes like touching raw nerves . . . the feelings are not angry, resentful or anything like that.  Very strange and abnormal is what they are . . . I must say that I realize it!  It gets easier by the day, although the improvements have taken very small incremental changes.  The Captain is an awesome guy!

On the subject of another type of these moments . . . in my former life when I was an executive assistant, I worked for a married man who was a notorious ladies man.  His wife had what I would call the perfect example of a frying pan moment . . . she would stand away from the front door and whack him over the head when the drunk so-and-so walked in the door after being out cavorting all night long.  

Yes, he was worthy of that treatment, although harsh . . . I often wondered how she managed to not actually kill or seriously hurt him.  You would think he would have learned, but he didn't and continued to get whacked when he misbehaved.  They eventually divorced years later!  Surprise, surprise . . .

How about your "frying pan moments"?

Care to share?

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Race of life

It is too much to do in too little time . . . and the biggest culprit in stealing our peace of mind which triggers stress. Been there and done that . . . over and over again in my life.

The race of life, often referred as “the rat race,” is a vicious cycle until you learn to slow down. The longer you stay in the fast lane of the race, the more difficult it becomes to enjoy the pleasures of life. Stress and anxiety breeds frustration, impatience, anger and fear.


What are your priorities? Shouldn’t peace of mind and less stress have a higher priority than some of those less important commitments? Assess your commitments and slow down!


Imagine your last moments of life . . . will you remember awesome memories spending quality time with loved ones or a time where you were so stressed out you didn’t have time to see anyone around you?


As the countdown to Christmas day becomes shorter . . . enjoy every minute of it.  Don't stress yourself out . . . make a plan and stick to it . . . one priority at a time.


Life is so short . . . such a beautiful gift . . . don’t waste it!

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Freedom and success . . . the other side of fear of failure

Fear of failure . . . despite rational thinking, education, talent and ability . . . makes the exhilaration of victory and success impossible. Fear can cause a potentially successful person to accept mediocrity . . . if you don’t take the risk, you’re guaranteed not to face failure.

The other side of that fear

is freedom and success . . .

Henry Ford stated, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.”


Thoughts are powerful and fear is irrational . . . it is the thought of the fear, not the actual experience or “failure,” but the dread it inspires. Obsessive dwelling on the matter reinforces one dark thought after another until success is no longer a reality.


The weight of the dread and fear builds and grows, slowing down progress and cluttering the mind. If the fear is thought of logically, we find they have no rational basis.

Just do it . . .

Smart educated engineers laughed at Henry Ford’s dream of building automobiles, who no doubt perceived him as illiterate and ignorant since he was just an uneducated man with a dream.


Ford was "ignorant" of the fear he overcame due to of his lack of education. His dream was greater than his fear and perceived “limitations” . . . positive thoughts of his dream drove him to success.


How unfortunate would it have been if he let his fear of failure conquer him?


Success is action and bold, courageous movement toward your goals and dreams. Action dispels fear . . . giving fear the time to occupy the thought process is giving it permission to paralyze any efforts and actions, leading to ultimate failure that was feared to begin with. Fear is not rational and is a vicious cycle!


Boldly moving toward your goals a little at a time, embracing the smallest of victories along the way, can start chipping away at that bondage of fear.

Success knows no boundaries!

Understanding how these fears affect us and learning how to cope and manage ourselves in the midst of the fear is one of the most important steps to freedom from fears.


When you miss out on an opportunity due to fear, you will never get that moment back . . . then the floodgates of regrets open up to mingle with the fears.  The pity party is then on its way . . . it is a vicious cycle.


We can’t prevent bad things from happening in our lives, but we can learn how to suppress or eliminate the obsessive focus fear places on us and not live a life of mediocrity with regrets.


We only have one life . . . and we CAN control the quality of that life through our thoughts and attitude.

You can conquer almost any fear if you

will only make up your mind to do so.

For remember, fear doesn’t exist 

anywhere except in the mind. 

~Dale Carnegie~

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Quality of Life and the Adventurous Attitude

What is adventure?  

Adventure could be defined as an activity that involves the possibility of risk, danger or exciting experiences. For one person, it could mean jumping off a bridge attached to a bungee cord, feeling the rush of rising and falling as the bungee cord does its thing.  Yet another could perceive adventure as a serene day at the beach.


Adventure could simply be seen as an attitude . . . a journey towards finding our unique potential . . . sometimes hidden by fear and worry.  It is how we approach the day-to-day obstacles of life, how we perceive and act on them that determines the level of adventure and quality of life.


Attitude adjustments that involve backing away from fear of the unknown and embracing the new challenges as an exciting adventure allows us to seize those new opportunities that present themselves with a positive mindset.  


Embracing adventure is acknowledging faith . . . a testing that faces the unknown without fear.  Stretching past the comfort zone allows us to find that unique potential within ourselves.


The adventurous attitude perceives everything in a positive light . . . life is awesome until it isn't . . . then you confront, face and solve the problem.  Until then, it isn't a problem . . . so why worry about the thing unless it has happened.


Speaking from experience, fear and worry is an obstacle from living life to its full potential . . . isn't life without adventure merely waiting to die?  


Readers of my blogs will understand what I am saying . . . since becoming a widow, my life was one of waiting to die, locking myself away from the world . . . get it over with, I didn't even want to try to be adventurous since I may get hurt in one way or another.  Warped thinking plays into the scenario . . .


Of course depression plays a huge role in attitude . . . but you can deal with it, fight it . . . turn it around no matter how many times you have to get back up when you fall down . . . find adventure in life again.  I did . . . although I still have to deal with the fears, some days better than others.


Love this quote . . .

"Most of the important things in the world 

have been accomplished by people who have 

kept on trying when there seemed to be 

no hope at all."  

Herbert Myer

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Faith and the darkness of the unknown

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know

and are about to step into the darkness of the unknown.

Faith is knowing that one of two things will happen.

There will be solid ground to stand on or

you will be taught to fly."

Author unknown

Life and society as we know it has been changing and in transition . . . the economy, the political scene and unemployment that has run out of control.  Each decision we make is just a part of the cycle of cause and effect, approaching the decision-making process having the faith and knowledge that there are always possibilities and choices available empowers the process of exploring what is most beneficial for each of us as individuals.  

The optimum word is faith.

In the darkness of the unknown, there is one thing that remains constant . . . if we are not happy with present life circumstances and the choices made, we have the power to make different choices.  There are always choices . . . take the time to consider those options and ponder the possible outcomes with heightened awareness rather than make rash decisions based on emotion.

Faith is putting all your eggs in God's basket, 

then counting your blessings before they hatch.

  ~Ramona C. Carroll

Faith has never let me down . . . fears do.

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Transition and fear

“Cause you could spend your life
Lookin’ for your own reflection
Time could blur the lines
Between what’s real
And what’s projected
Had I known what I lost?
What I gained, what it’d cost
I’d still give what remains
To be myself again”

from the song
Be Myself Again
by Donna Summer

My emotions have been all over the place with that displaced feeling of not knowing where I belong in this world and looking in the mirror and not knowing who I am. It is one of those times in life when we momentarily take the liberty of losing ourselves in the midst of a bad situation.

Emotions play a big part of who we are and I am very good at masking my emotions to the point of not recognizing myself. Haven’t we all been here at one stage or another of our lives?

I held my emotions long enough to make rational decisions about my future and it all hit me . . . the stress of past months. I’ve been there before when keeping it together through one of life's awful circumstance and have allowed myself to fall apart after it was done. Sometimes the strength we possess is amazing.

Tears are a cleansing of the soul when an emotional surge is needed to express those things held inside too long. Now my strength has been renewed by emotions that were as temporary waves, ridden out through a safe harbor within.

Times of change and transition bring out all types of emotions. My boyfriend describes how I am feeling as being "conflicted." He's right . . . as I ponder my present life circumstance today, fear compounded with anger . . . the fear of change and fear of the coming days grip me at this moment. Fear of the unknown is what would best describe what most people going through a life transition experience.

When you face your fear, most of the time you will discover that it was not really such a big threat after all. We all need some form of deeply rooted, powerful motivation . . . it empowers us to overcome obstacles so we can live our dreams. (Les Brown)

We are called to be architects of the future, not its victims. (R. Buckminster Fuller)

Experience is all we have to learn and grow through. Change is currently a major part of that experience. If there were no change there would be no growth. If there is no growth there is only stagnation. (Athene Raefiel)

Psychology Today describes fear as "a vital response to physical and emotional danger—if we couldn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. But often we fear situations that are in no way life-or-death, and thus hang back for no good reason. Traumas or bad experiences can trigger a fear response within us that is hard to quell. Yet exposing ourselves to our personal demons is the best way to move past them."

Lyrics

Be Myself Again | Donna Summer

Let me introduce myself

I'm a woman that you've never seen

You might know me from somewhere else

As someone that I've never been

I gave everything to play the game

My soul fell apart at the seams

I fell down like a house of cards

When somebody pulled the queen

'Cause you could spend your life

Lookin for your own reflection

Time could blur the lines

Between what's real and what's projected

Had I known

What I lost

What I gained

What it'd cost

I'd still give what remains

To Be Myself Again

You must believe me when I say

Don't live someone else's design

Turn it around like a photograph

The writings been there all the time

Now you can have all these

Hopes and dreams

The ones I can't use anymore

I don't know what it is you lost

But I hope you got what you came for

'Cause you could spend your life

Looking for your own reflection

Time could blur the lines

Between what's real and what's projected

Had I known

What I lost

What I gained

What it'd cost

I'd still give what remains

To Be Myself Again

Sometimes I want to leave right now

Sometimes I want to cry out loud

I want to let it all hang out

But I don't want to let you down

Sometimes I want to just lay here

Sometimes I want to disappear

I want to show you all my fear

But I don't want to let you down

'Cause you could spend your life

Looking for your own reflection

Time could blur the lines

Between what's real and what's projected

Had I known

What I lost

What I gained

What it'd cost

I'd still give what remains

To Be Myself Again

To Be Myself Again

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From thinking to doing

Human behavior expert Theodore Bryant, author of the book “Self-Discipline in 10 Days: How to Go from Thinking to Doing”, has conducted self-discipline courses, workshops, and seminars for over a decade. He explains that everyone is made up of different selves. Often, your different sides want to go in different directions, which causes inner conflict. While part of you wants to clean the kitchen and balance the check book, another part of you wants to grab a bag of chips and a diet coke and veg out in front of the TV.

Bryant calls the side of you that tries to sabotage your efforts to be self-disciplined, Hyde. And, yes, the part of you that wants to be self-disciplined is Dr. Jekyll. The author cautions not to think of Hyde as an enemy, but, instead, he advises that you regard Hyde as a part of you which you’ll want to recruit to help you in your efforts to achieve your goals, resolutions, and objectives.

Here are some of the strategies you can use to overcome the resistance which Hyde will put up whenever you try to take action toward achieving your goals:


Excuses and Action Oriented Self-Talk

Whenever you hear yourself coming up with an excuse as to why you can’t take the steps necessary in order to accomplish a goal you’ve set for yourself, remind yourself that it’s just a tactic being used by Hyde to avoid doing the work. In order to counteract Hyde’s negativism, use action oriented self-talk.

Action oriented self-talk is positive, specific, and present tense. Suppose you tell yourself that you’re going to spend the next two hours organizing your closet. However, you get distracted by other things and, two hours later, you haven’t accomplished anything productive. What happened? Hyde started working on your subconscious to get you to do anything but clean your closet. What you need to do is replace Hyde’s self-defeating subconscious messages with positive, specific, present tense messages.

Once you make the decision to organize your closet, begin saying the following out loud: “I am now organizing my closet.” When you do this, the subconscious mind will turn all of its attention to organizing the closet, regardless of what you may actually be doing at the time. Your subconscious mind will begin sending messages to your motor functions, emotions, and other members of your physical and psychological network that will be in line with organizing your closet. In addition, it will begin to look for ways to organize your closet.

Here’s an example used by Bryant: You’re sitting in your favorite chair reading a magazine. Part of you begins to think that your time could be used more productively by working on that eBook you’ve been meaning to write. However, Hyde begins to say: “I’m reading a magazine.” Therefore, your subconscious turns all of its resources toward reading the magazine. At this point, Dr. Jekyll needs to say: “I’m working on my eBook.” Now, your subconscious will begin to point its resources toward working on your eBook:

* You’ll begin to feel agitated as you sit there leafing through the magazine.
* You’ll start getting ideas for things to include in your eBook.
* You’ll feel like getting up, sitting at your desk, turning on your computer, and getting to work on your eBook.
* As long as you keep repeating your positive, specific, present tense message, you’ll feel compelled to work on your eBook. Repetition is the key to success.
* If you say it out loud, it will be even more powerful than simply repeating it silently.


Hyde might try to convince you that you will take action to achieve your goals; you’ll just do it later. After all, if you want to start exercising you’ll need a new jogging outfit. You can’t possibly be seen in any of the old work out pants and ratty t-shirts you have in your closet. And in order to buy new exercise clothes, you first have to pay off your credit card balance in full. After all, getting out of debt is another one of your goals. So, you see, exercising is not something you can do at the moment. But you’ll do it later. (Hyde is quite devious.)

The tactic to use here is to question whether there’s a legitimate reason to delay getting started, or if it sounds suspiciously like one of Hyde’s clever excuses. Remember, Hyde is like a little kid who will come up with all sorts of ruses to avoid his parents’ orders to clean his room. It’s perfectly fine for you to exercise in the clothes you already have; the perceived obstacle of needing a new jogging suit is just Hyde trying to trick you into spending an hour surfing the Internet instead of exercising.


Fear of Failure

Bryant points out that study after study has shown that the greatest obstacle to personal success is fear of failure. The pain of past failures lingers in the shadows of your subconscious, reminding you of how awful you felt the last time you failed. Why would you want to set yourself up to feeling like that again by pursuing a new goal? Just sit back and enjoy your TV show. Go ahead, put your feet up on the coffee table. You could even grab that pint of Rocky Road ice cream you have in the freezer. That feels nice and safe, doesn’t it?

We’ve been trained by society that failing is shameful. Is it any mystery, then, that we’re so reluctant to attempt anything at which we can’t be sure of succeeding? When part of us wants to do something, and part of us is dragging its feet because it’s terrified of failing, it’s like trying to drive a car with the handbrake on. In order to succeed at achieving your goals, you have to fully invest yourself in the task at hand.

The trick here is to separate your performance on a given task from how you feel about yourself. You probably have a tendency to say to yourself: “If I fail at this, I’m a failure.” You need to begin regarding failure as evidence of experimentation and attempts at self-growth, instead of seeing it as a blow to your self-esteem. Refuse to link failure to how you feel about yourself. As Bryant points out, failure is not a tombstone, but a stepping stone to success.


Conclusion

You’ve known for a while that you have a Hyde lurking around in your subconscious, haven’t you? After all, how many times have you made goals and resolutions with the best of intentions to follow through, only to find that you never get started, or that you leave things half-finished? Bryant offers many more clues in “Self-Discipline in 10 Days” on how to recognize Hyde’s attempts at sabotaging your efforts, and what to do about it.

What types of things have you caught Hyde doing to try and prevent you from getting things done, or to stop you from taking the risks you need to take in order to accomplish your dreams?


This article is a reprint from one of my favorite blogs . . .

http://abundance-blog.marelisa-online.com/

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Fear of moving on

Either you decide to stay in the shallow end

of the pool or you go out in the ocean.

Christopher Reeve

If you listen to your fears, you will die
never knowing what a great person
you might have been

Robert H. Schuller

It is close to a year since I originally wrote this post,

although it seems like a lifetime ago.

My life has come full circle and I am finally where I truly want to be.

The moral of my life experience is to NEVER give up on your dreams, aspirations and desires . . . when you least expect it, destiny will call you and everything that was foggy will be as clear as a bright sunny day.

ORIGINALLY POSTED APRIL 2009

What would you do if you weren't at all afraid?

For someone who has way too many fears, I often ask myself that question. Most of my life I've been fearless in pursuit of what strikes my fancy, however, in past years my fearless nature has been tamed to the extreme.


There seems to be an inordinate need to be "safe" . . . staying in my comfort zone prevents me from living a truly satisfying life as I once experienced with such a zest for life.


Perhaps this is all a result of the grief process . . . the extreme life changes . . . and hopefully my "normal" zest for life will return. Fear of failure has gripped my heart and soul where I once followed every dream after making the plan, I now analyze everything to death before making any significant move . . . fearful of the outcome rather than approaching the situation in my usual carefree but cautious manner.


Moments of attaining my ying/yang life balance are coming back with regularity, but leave me with that "fear of failing mentality" with as much regularity. Time heals all wounds and I see this as one of the most important areas of my life to gain control over.


The fear is like a security blanket that I have found difficult to let go of . . . why? It doesn't really keep me safe and keeps me from moving on with my life. Did I just hit on the answer? Is it a fear of moving on and letting go of life as it was? Still feeling the guilt of moving on?


Fate and destiny brings people into our lives at different times for various reasons. Someone from my past has come back into my life who I have always loved, respected, have an extreme comfort with, passion for and would trust with my life. TRUST AND LOVE . . . isn't that what my major relationship problems have been in recent past?

Why am I still not ready?

My thoughts of moving on are becoming more realistic. There is no doubt in my mind why he is back in my life . . . to cross that huge bridge in my path with me . . . it scares me.


There are times when people drift out of my life and at the time I wonder why, yet always find the answer with the passage of time. The reasons are always for my benefit whether I consciously agree or not. One door closes and another opens . . . the biggest obstacle is walking through that door. Perhaps there is a reason why . . .

Is there anything you would change about your life?

Has fear kept you from doing something you want to do?

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