Spirits having flown

Faster than lightning is this heart of mine.

In the face of time I carry on.

I'd like to take you where my rainbow ends.

Lyrics from the song

Spirits Having Flown

by the Bee Gees

It doesn't seem possible that so much time has passed.  Tomorrow marks the 10th anniversary of JR's death.  Ten years ago today, the nightmare began.  The sound of sirens, the house filled with EMS guys, the emergency room.  My sweet angel laying helplessly in the ER bed, all kinds of stuff hooked up to him. 

I was scared . . . petrified . . . my everything was breathing his last breaths and I had no idea what was about to hit me.  All seemed normal that night when he wanted to watch Monday Night Football.  

Normal?  Ten years later, I still don't feel back to "normal" . . .

He and I shared the perfect friendship, 
which is so important in a marriage.

I miss him even though I have moved on with The Captain.

How can you forget such a sweet spirit?  I never will.

His sweet spirit is still with me, 
which I'll take where my rainbow ends.

Rest in peace my sweet angel.

Spirits Having Flown | The Bee Gees

Lyrics

I never fell in love so easily.

Where the four winds blow I carry on.

I'd like to take you where my spirit flies:

Through the empty skies. We go alone,

Never before having flown.

Faster than lightning is this heart of mine.

In the face of time I carry on.

I'd like to take you where my rainbow ends.

Be my lover friend. We go alone,

Never before having flown.

[Chorus]

I am your hurricane, your fire in the sun.

How long must I live in the air?

You are my paradise, my angel on the run.

How long must I wait?

It's the dawn of the feeling that starts

From the moment you're there.

[Bridge]

You'll never know what you have done for me.

You've broken all those rules I live upon.

And I'd like to take you to my Shangri-La,

Neither here nor far away from home,

Never before having flown.

[Chorus]

I am your hurricane, your fire in the sun.

How long must I live in the air?

You are my paradise, my angel on the run.

How long must I wait?

It's the dawn of the feeling that starts

From the moment you're there.

I'd like to take you where my spirit flies,

Through the empty skies we go alone,

Never before having flown.

read more

Plenty of time?

He promised his son they would camp out all night, 

Get up very early before it was light, 

And go to the lake where the hungry fish bite. 

But he put off the trip for the plan wasn't right. 

After all -- he had plenty of time.

He promised his wife they would soon get away 

For a week, or a night, or just part of a day, 

To rekindle the love they had let go astray. 

But his work for the present left no time for play. 

After all -- he had plenty of time.

He promised his daughter he'd teach her to ski. 

When he bought snow equipment, she shouted with glee. 

Each year as she dreamed that the ski slopes she'd see, 

Her skis gathered dust -- on deaf ears fell her plea. 

After all -- he had plenty of time.

He vowed to his parents he'd visit them more, 

And offer his help with a much needed chore. 

They lovingly looked for his face at the door, 

And grieved when his absence went on as before. 

After all -- he had plenty of time. 

He thought that one day when his life was more slow, 

He'd find a good church where he wanted to go, 

And learn from the Bible the things he should know, 

While talent and goods on the poor he'd bestow. 

After all -- he had plenty of time.

His death came before some folks thought it was due, 

And it shocked all his family, and friends that he knew. 

So they buried him high on a hill with a view, 

To watch through the seasons as life starts anew. 

After all -- he has plenty of time.

By Betty Jo Mings

How many times do you catch yourself saying "I'll start on this or that tomorrow"?  The approach of a new year got me thinking about this since it is always a new beginning, a time of making resolutions for the future . . . a benchmark to start a new project, get healthy . . . as a society, most of us do it ritually.

The realism of lives cut short hit home again for The Captain and me in the past couple of months . . . those people in our lives whose time ran out without warning.

One, a seemingly healthy man in his early 50's got up one morning, washed his boat, came inside to take a shower, collapsed and died of a sudden heart attack.  Just like that his life was over without warning.  Most of his family members didn't even get to say goodbye . . . there wasn't enough time.  A successful man of means whose money couldn't buy him the time to enjoy the fruits of his labor.

Time . . . something we all perceive we have plenty of.

Another . . . a troubled and lost 40-something confirmed bachelor who drifted through life with a free spirit attitude, possessing a lust for life that many of us would envy.  He was a blue-collar construction worker afflicted with pains from an old injury.  His doctor prescribed all the meds he needed for pain management.  After a night of partying on Thanksgiving Eve, he peacefully passed away in his sleep as his mom cooked Thanksgiving dinner in the other room.  Drug overdose . . . he stretched the limits of mixing drugs and alcohol just like so many others do every day.  His time of pushing those limits ran out.

This post is not intended to be morbid or a downer . . . take it as an inspiration to celebrate life to the fullest every single day that you are blessed with.  

The one thing in life that is an absolute . . . 

no one escapes time running out.

read more

Time stood still

Feeling grateful towards someone or something in your

life actually attracts more of the things that you appreciate

and value into your life. 

Christiane Northrup

We often experience life's bumps in the road and last week was one of those times for me.  

It is so difficult when someone you love has a health issue emerge that could have serious implications.  While I'm already grateful for all that I have been blessed with, I'm feeling extra grateful.  Good news was received as far as Diamond Lil's tests are concerned.  

Extreme relief would be an understatement.

As she underwent a surgical procedure last week, it felt like time stood still.  What was expected to be a short recovery time turned into hours with no idea of what was going on.  There was only one other time in my life that I experienced the sensation of everything going in slow motion. 

Her smiling face was a welcome sight when we received the call to go back to the recovery area.  I was never so grateful for her sparkling smile that released the helpless feeling that had consumed me.  Mommy smiles can be magical . . .

The remnant of grief from losing many friends and family members is the fear of more death.  Of course it is silly to think that life and death won't continue to happen, but confronting it is way out of the comfort zone and teeters on the edge of the panic zone.

I'm grateful for passing that bump in the road!


Have you ever felt that sensation of everything going in slow motion and time standing still?

read more

Happiness Never Forgets You

Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, 

never completely forget about it. 

Jacques Prévert 

A new blogging friend's post made me think about those times of grief, depression, anxiety and restlessness from way too many deaths of family and friends in a short period of time.  They were awful times when happiness was a distant memory, but something that was craved and prayed for. Life happens . . . we will all have to deal with grief at times in our lives. 

The focus of today's post is grief and the happiness and peace of mind it takes, sapping the energy out like the blood has been drained out of your body.  We all deal with it differently, but it sure can knock the wind out of even the strongest person.

This year will mark the ninth year of suddenly becoming a widow and I can say that I have finally moved on with my life and have found the happiness I was searching for.  I've learned how to be grateful for the beautiful life we shared, but it is not always easy.  Even now, so many years later, I experience those sad days when I miss the awesome friendship we shared.  

The usual trigger days are rough, like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays . . . the sadness of the loss creeps in, but as time goes on, happiness of my present life has shortened the sad time.  However, time does not heal, it merely allows us to cope more effectively.  At least that has been my experience.

The depression and anxiety that grief triggers is unlike anything else and so difficult to explain.  Unless you have gone through it, there is no way to understand the hell that the survivor feels trapped in.  Back in the day, I lost many friends who didn't care enough to understand what I was going through.  It felt as though I was a echo in a canyon . . . absolutely lost, not knowing where to turn . . . with a handful of friends and family who really understood.  

Depression itself holds a certain societal stigma, with outsiders thinking that the person going through it should "just get over it" . . . making the depressed person feel like even less of a person, like a freak of nature, not worthy of happiness and peace of mind.  It is a vicious cycle.  If you are one of those people . . . do the depressed person a favor . . . just don't say anything if you can't be a truly supportive, positive influence on them.  My grandmother had a saying about these type of people . . . they will kick a dead dog when he's down.

Based on my experience, there are a few things I'd like to add . . . get professional help if you are willing to accept the help.  It may sound crude, but rid yourself of those negative people who lack compassion for your situation in life . . . they will only make you feel like a freak . . . and you are not a freak, you are simply a human being going through a rough time in your life, having a difficult time coping.  

Love yourself . . . is so important to know that you are worthy of happiness again . . . give yourself permission to understand what is going on deep inside and analyze how to get yourself out of it.  Figure out what it is that will make you truly happy.  Journaling and writing about it helped me tremendously . . . I learned the questions to ask myself from my therapist, who essentially saved my life.

Having gone through all the stages and phases of grief, depression, anxiety, restlessness, anger and a judgmental society, I can honestly say that you can get through it and find happiness again.  It is attainable . . . really it is.  

Happiness may elude you for a season of time . . . but never lose hope that it will never return, it does.

read more

The Transition Zone

“When we feel stuck, going nowhere . . . even
starting to slip backward . . . we may actually
be backing up to get a running start.”

Dan Millman

Changing from holding on to those old habits or circumstances in life can sometimes be difficult since they are comfortable. The transition zone is not in the comfort zone . . . it is the unknown.

Seems like life circumstances can put you in the comfort zone and out of the transition zone. Having to deal with a life and death situations throw me into the comfort zone, making it difficult to eat, sleep or just function normally . . . as if I have been momentarily paralyzed into the comfort zone.

I’m still dealing with the death of my spouse and several close friends and family within the span of a few years and really, I was thinking about how well I was dealing with grief, but now I don’t know what I am feeling . . . it is like everything has come back to haunt me.  It comes and goes . . . even though I have moved on with a new love and my life is happy.

The past couple of weeks have found me dealing with several health issues that have gotten me down with so much to do and not much energy to do it.  

Although I am feeling stuck, going nowhere . . . more like suspended in time . . . and yes, I feel as though I have slipped backward, but I am having faith that I am just backing up to get a running start.

Do you have times of teetering on the edge
of the transition zone and the comfort zone?

read more

How do you show you care?

“Love is not only something you feel.
It is something you do.”

David Wilkerson

Every time there is a horrific tragedy that captures the national

 or worldwide stage, reported on 24/7, I can't help but think about
the following post I wrote back in 2007.

There are families whose loved one was lost forever and those
teetering on the edge of life.  Life is short.  Sometimes shorter
than we expect it to be.  We tend to think that we will be on
this earth forever.  We aren't.

Tragedies happen to someone else . . . 

isn't that what we think?

None of us is immune from tragedy . . . and death.

Now that I have found my "significant other" . . . again . . .
I catch myself worrying about this kind of stuff since
tragedy hit my life and it scares me to even think
about going through it again.

Rather than worry about something that hasn't happened,

I choose to be aware of how fragile life is . . . and how
beautiful and precious love shared with another is

and cherish that love for what it is . . . a gift from God.

In her book, ‘No Less Than Greatness,’ Mary Manin Morrissey speaks of a research study that explored how family members communicate with each other. Apparently, the most frequently spoken words between husbands, wives, sisters and brothers were “What’s on?” and “Move.”

She goes on to say, “We all desire great relationships but often settle for just getting by. Many of us have stopped questioning the fact that we may know fictitious TV families more intimately than we do our own.”


The most powerful force in our lives is our ability to love.

Indeed, it’s the most basic essence of who we are.

The whole idea of compassion is based on a
keen awareness of the other.
The whole purpose of life is to live by love.

Thomas Merton

Source: Higher Awareness

One of the most important messages I want to get across in my writing is to not wait until it is too late to realize how important someone you love is to you.

While telling them you love them is so important and the words “I love you” should be expressed sincerely and often, actions speak louder than words.

To my new readers . . . I am a widow who was happily married 22 years, never expecting to be single again . . . never wanting to be single again since my husband and I had a charmed life. We worked hard, partied hard and were so happy . . . although it was not perfect.  Nothing is perfect.

The tragic events of September 11 changed our lives. It horrified both of us and made us realize how fragile life is. We made a pact on 9/11/01 to never go to bed angry, always treat each “goodbye” as the last time we were to see each other and to find little ways of expressing love for each other.

It was the happiest year of our married life.

He died suddenly on 10/8/02.

Do you know how important of a gift that year was to me? 

 We had a great marriage, but the last year was awesome . . . the way it should be every day.

Remember my story the next time you say “goodbye” to someone you love.

How do you experience and express

your love for the people in your life?

P.S. I Love You My Captain

read more

Suicide has touched our lives . . .

Regular readers of my blog know that dealing with death is one of my most difficult challenges.


As the Captain and I sat in the outdoor dining area taking in a gorgeous Florida morning, enjoying our coffee and  pleasant conversation, making plans for the day, a single police car pulls up close by a neighbor's house and walks up to the house.  So the nightmare begins . . .


A man we have never seen before comes out of the neighbor's house, wildly waving his arms around . . . needless to say, something was definitely wrong.  Shortly thereafter, the stranger gets in his vehicle and leaves . . . followed by the policeman.


The neighbor was an elderly gentleman, a Vietnam veteran widowed twice who was seemingly enjoying his life in the company of younger women, traveling frequently and partied hard, obviously enjoying the intoxication of alcoholic beverages.  He was a friendly guy who frequented the local VFW and spent a tremendous amount of time giving back to our veterans through community service.  All in all, a good neighbor . . .


The Captain and I had been wondering where he had been lately, speculating that he was on one of his long trips in the company of one of his ladies, having the time of his life.  To the contrary . . . we later found out that he broke his back, had been in the hospital and returned home just days before . . .


Back to that morning . . . it had been no more than 20 minutes before we heard the sound of sirens, a fire truck and EMS.  The stranger had once again emerged on the scene . . . all of a sudden, one police car at a time, they converged . . . taking up both sides of the street . . . way down the street.  I had never seen so many cops and so much commotion happen in a matter of minutes . . . a sick feeling came over me from the pit of my stomach.


The Captain and I sat outside watching it all unfold like two birds up in the tree, not knowing what was going on, but knowing nevertheless . . .


It went on all day long . . . more police, more cars . . . detectives, the medical examiner . . . the yellow crime tape barricaded the property . . . then came the forensics unit . . .


We heard some of the talking amongst the police since many of them hung out in our front yard during the investigation . . . we gathered from the bits and pieces we heard that our neighbor shot himself . . . but then there was that stranger who was taken into a car with a detective . . . and the lady, who was apparently his caretaker, was also taken by two other detectives . . . neither emerged for a very long time.


Numbness took over me that morning and has not left . . . the thought of someone taking their own life makes one think of how appearances are deceiving . . . how the quality of someone's life is so important . . . and how fragile life is . . . scarier is someone taking the life of another.  We can be here one minute and gone the next.  


The yellow crime tape especially freaked me out . . . I bit off all of my fingernails.  All of this took place as we sat outdoors having a pleasant conversation over a cup of coffee, not knowing the hell that was going on so close by and would unfold before our eyes . . . without the details, like a silent movie with no subtitles.


What makes me sad is how life circumstances can make the difference between life and death . . . I've seen it over and over again working in the mental health industry.  Hope and despair take over and there only seems to be one way out in what could be a split second of thinking . . .


Sorry to be a downer . . . it is about life . . . death is a part of life . . . the key is learning how to cope with life circumstances with hope and faith that tomorrow is another day.

read more

Peace, love, happiness . . . and success . . . some guidelines

One of my favorite bloggers, Marelisa, calls the following list "58 Habits That Will Help You Succeed." In my opinion, the outcome of putting these new habits into action is peace, love and happiness, along with the success.

In the years since suddenly becoming a widow, I have pondered quality of life in the short time we have on earth, what it means to me and what it takes to get there. I've adopted many of the "habits" that Marelisa suggests, along with being grateful for all the little things that bring me simple pleasures.

The theme of my blog is peace, love and happiness, which means so much to me. This weekend, death has crept into my life again . . . another beloved and cherished family member is gone. As my partner and I gathered with other family members this weekend, I was once again reminded of those things truly important in life. It had been years since seeing some of those family members that I love so much, but too busy with living life to take time out to spend time with them.

Quality of life is balancing all those things that mean the most to you . . . above all is loving and respecting those significant people in your life.

Thank you Marelisa for the awesome list and for the continued inspiration (the link to her fabulous blog is at the end of this post ) . . . I will be making the attempt to add some of these new habits to my life.

Hopefully there is something in the following list that will motivate you to make some changes in your life and make your quality of life the best that it can be.

1. Constantly ask yourself: “What do I want?”

2. Set goals.

3. Plan how you’re going to accomplish your goals.

4. Set clear deadlines for your goals.

5. Establish how you’re going to measure the progress you’re making toward achieving your goals.

6. Track the progress you’re making toward hitting your objectives.

7. Feed your mind with the thoughts, words, and images that are most consistent with who you want to be, what you want to have, and what you want to achieve.

8. Constantly ask yourself “how” you can achieve your goals.

9. Plan your day the night before.

10. Every morning as soon as you wake up, and every night before you go to sleep, look at your goals and visualize yourself achieving them.

11. Invest the first hour of every day on yourself.

12. Each day do the most important thing on your To-Do List first.

13. Do one thing at a time without distractions.

14. Each week review how the week went and what you accomplished.

15. Take the time to replenish your energy:  get enough sleep; take frequent, short breaks while you work; and keep a Secular Sabbath each week.

16. Take regular vacations.

17. Drink lots of water.

18. Eat three meals a day and have two healthy snacks each day.

19. Get at least twenty minutes of daily exercise.

20. Be a lifelong learner.

21. Seek to continually perfect your craft.

22. Constantly ask yourself:  “How can this be improved?” and “Is there a better way to do this?”

23. Organize your space in a way that makes sense to you; everything should have its place.

24. When you’re done using something, put it back where it belongs.

25. Schedule regular decluttering sessions.

26. Associate with people you admire, respect and want to be like.

27. Move quickly when you have an idea or notice an opportunity.

28. Think before you act; consider the consequences of several different courses of action prior to making a decision on what steps to take.

29. Be frugal.

30. Save at least 10% of your income, off the top, before any other expenditure.

31. Tithe 10% of your income.

32. Do your homework and think hard before making any decision on where to invest your money.

33. Don’t invest in anything that you don’t understand.

34. Think in terms of the satisfaction that you feel from saving, investing, and growing your money.

35. Insure properly against any risk that you can’t write a check to cover.

36. Protect your estate from unnecessary taxes and frivolous lawsuits.

37. Consider carefully before making any expenditure.

38. Focus on those activities which you most enjoy, are good at, and make a valuable contribution to others.

39. Always be on the look-out for new opportunities.

40. Dress like a person who’s going somewhere in life.

41. Look for ways to make others be more successful in fulfilling their responsibilities.

42. Be persistent; stick to a task until it’s completed.

43. Think flexibly: consider alternative points of view, use lateral thinking, and be willing to change your mind based on additional information or reasoning.

44. Look for ways to put in more than you get out; sow more than you reap.

45. Maintain a positive attitude.

46. Delegate tasks that you don’t enjoy and which are not core activities.

47. Practice prevention: take the car in for regular tune-ups; get regular physical and dental checkups; and so on.

48. Be punctual.

49. Question your assumptions on a regular basis.

50. Make others feel important.

51. Spend time with the most important people in your life every day.

52. Give praise and approval to those who deserve it.

53. Pay attention to people when they talk and be a good listener.

54. When it comes to your significant other, make trust and forgiveness your default mode.

55. Focus more on what your partner does right than on what he or she does wrong.

56. Hug your significant other as soon as you see each other after work.

57. Say “I love you” and “Have a good day” to your significant other every morning.

58. Give thanks each day for everything you received.

Marelisa's blog

read more

Awesome connections

The accuracy of my horoscopes have been amazing me . . .

December 17, 2009
Inner Filling
Leo Daily Horoscope

You may have the need to serve others today or want to spend time nurturing or comforting those in need. You might feel frustrated by the suffering you see in the world and want to do something to help, or you could be seeking a deeper sense of fulfillment. While serving others might help you feel more empowered and purposeful, you might also think about turning your attention inward and fostering a sense of fulfillment that comes from who you are and not necessarily what you do. You may want to affirm that you are whole and worthy regardless of what you do today. Service to others is a beautiful act. However, in order to give to others, you must be able to give to yourself.

The more we give ourselves, the more we have to give to the people in our lives. The world reflects our relationship with ourselves. When we have a fulfilling relationship with ourselves, we can serve others more from a place of wholeness and purpose. Instead of feeling that our fulfillment rests on the actions we take each day, we can turn within and concentrate on filling our inner well with peace, fulfillment, and joy. When we feel connected to ourselves and happy, we are better able to serve others with genuine joy and compassion. This allows us to give from the heart, and our sense of fulfillment grows. By developing your own sense of fullness and fulfillment today, you can feel whole and more purposeful while having more to offer others.

Fullness and fulfillment has taken over my life in the form of awesome connections I've made at my new job at a mental health center. For the first time in a very long time, I'm experiencing the joy of Christmas through others.

As I read today's horoscope, I found it very interesting that I was pondering those very things as I relaxed with a cup of hot raspberry tea after an exhausting day of work at the office. The fulfillment has come to me in several forms. It was always my belief that community service and giving of yourself, even when it is seemingly insignificant, could be a humbling and enriching experience.

The clients are very grateful for the kindness of strangers that have become their comfort zone, the special holiday festivities that have begun and the anticipation and appreciation of the little gifts they receive. While some are extremely down and depressed with the coming of the season, many are wearing a festive smile that have replaced a hopeless look. Awesome feeling to see the smiles on those faces!

Anyone who has followed my blogs for any length of time know how I feel about "the holidays" . . . I have dreaded them year after year since my husband passed away. The sullen, depressed faces remind me of looking in the mirror, wanting so much to see a happy face reflecting back at me and longing for a trace of a joyous holiday season.

What I realized today . . . this is the year which is my turning point . . . I have so much to be grateful for . . . I'm finally on the road to a fulfilling and happy life with a purpose and love with the wonderful man I've continued a long distance relationship with.

God has had a purpose for me and has presented it to me in the form of a job that I love so much, working with people who appreciate me, trust me and have given me more than I can ever thank them for . . . the clients and my co-workers. The gift of smiles and wishes for a happy holiday have touched me in so many ways, and are filling those empty spots in my heart.

Reluctantly, I agreed to participate in the "Secret Santa" festivities among my co-workers. The dread filled me this afternoon as I anticipated the break to have a moment exchanging gifts with those co-workers that are fast becoming good friends. Christmas has not been a fun or joyous time for me for the past seven years . . . it has represented the struggle of depression, restlessness and frustration within myself. The dread had nothing to do with my co-workers, it was me.

It is ironic that I am employed in a mental health center . . . psychiatrists, psychotherapists and counselors surround me . . . they have no idea of my "emotional state."

The gift of an awesomely festive moving Santa that rings bells and sings a song of Christmas joy brought out the little girl in me and put a huge smile on my face. I felt a lump in my throat as that little guy put the Christmas spirit in my heart, along with the hug from the woman who picked my name and told me how blessed she felt to have me in the circle of co-workers who truly care for each other like family.

Most of my co-workers have been at their jobs for more than ten years . . . I am the one who is blessed and could never express my happiness at landing a job at this wonderful place where people truly care about others and do it on a daily basis, giving themselves to those unfortunate people who find themselves in a bad place in life and often makes the difference between life and death.

As I make my new awesome connections, my inner self is healing from many years of restless anxiety with life itself, the struggle for survival and fighting my way back to loving the person I am.

The meaning of Christmas is so very different to me this year . . .

read more