Sunday, January 30, 2011
The destructive behavior of the doom and gloom mentality
Thursday, July 22, 2010
If I Had Wings
Since my leg is not cooperating with me and I can barely walk, I've had lots of time in the past two days to read through my old blogs and journals and amaze myself with how far I've come through the journey of turbulence in my life that nearly destroyed me.
The following post is actually two older posts originally written during different times in 2007 . . . negative, yet positive.
Many of these older posts are from my personal journals, but I post them to help others who may be going through a rough time in life. It does get better if that is what you truly desire. You are the only one who can help yourself.
I finally have my wings . . .
Originally written on
December 12, 2007
If you give me wings,
then I know I could fly,
If you give me truth,
then I swear I won’t tell you no lies
I’ll cruise through the blue of your sky
I will be free
lyrics from the song
I Will Be Free ~ Sandrine
It started yesterday and has intensified today . . . these bad feelings.
The holidays get me down every year since JR has been gone. I refer to the holidays as the lonely season now . . . I could be in a room full of people and feel more alone than if I am alone with my memories. It is an empty existence in a time that is supposed to be festive with no one special to share it with, even though every year I promise myself it is the year that I will change my attitude. Like everything else, it is a mindset, but most of us have been so steeped in tradition and the way "things are supposed to be" that when they are not, we feel like less of a person for some reason. At least I do. I just know that for another year, I'll feel better when that ball drops on New Years Eve when the proverbial slate is clean and the holidays are over.
In this not so happy time for me, I needed to post something positive
that will perhaps lift my spirits and give myself an attitude adjustment.
Originally posted to my personal blog
on October 17, 2007
There must be something in the air . . . so many of my friends are feeling down. Sometimes we have to play little tricks with our minds to pick ourselves back up and keep going. It is easier said than done and sometimes my booty hurts from falling so many times that I feel I should just stay down . . . why bother I ask myself so many times before picking myself up again . . . because I know better.
Why bother? Because we are all worth it. Look in the mirror and see the beautiful person staring back at you. If you don't like the reflection looking back at you, do something to change it to where you love it.
Music is one of my tricks to pick myself back up. This song has been so much of an inspiration to me. It reminds me of the talks I have with God, trying to make deals with him if he makes this or that happen. lol We all know it doesn't work that way, but we can make the request, can't we?
"If you give me truth, then I swear I won't tell you no lies" . . . such profound lyrics that I interpret as being finding yourself and being true to yourself . . . to me, that is what it is all about. Anything else is selling yourself short and it is not about being selfish. It is giving yourself the permission to care for yourself as much as you care for everyone else who pulls you in every direction until you feel you are backed into a corner that you can't get out of.
I'm finding my ways to get past those moments because I can't let them linger . . . they will take over and that is when I get to that place, having fallen down and not wanting to get back up. I have to, no one is going to do it for me. The longer I stay down, the more difficult it is to get up.
I sincerely hope that something I said this morning
helps someone make it through the day a little easier.
The game of life
It is the only one we have.
Make it count with
peace, love and happiness.
Get your wings and have a beautiful day!
Lyrics
please give me patience to learn
please give me bridges to burn
don’t ask a thing in return
my courage is gone
don’t put your weight on me now
I’m trying to stand strong
but I’ve lost it somehow
the eagerness to get around
my courage is gone
Lord there must be a way
to get through this day
If you give me wings
then I know I could fly
If you give me truth
then I swear I won’t tell you no lies
I’ll cruise through the blue of your sky
I will be free
my vision has been compromised
awaring of these crying eyes
I’m praying for some peace of mind
my courage is gone
you said that there would be a way
to get through this day
If you give me wings
then I know I could fly
If you give me truth
then I swear I won’t tell you no lies
I’ll cruise through the blue of your sky
I will be free
I’ll be hiding no more
from your love like before
I’ll be bold I’ll be brave
I’ll be strong I’ll be safe
If you show me the way
If you give me wings
then I know I could fly
If you give me truth
then I swear I won’t tell you no lies (2x)
I’ll cruise to the blue of your sky
I will be free
I will finally be free
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Life Changes
Life becomes joyful when we can open to the constant flow and ride freely with it. This requires us to let go of the need to control. We need to learn to trust.
"Can it then be that what we call the ‘self’ is fluid and elastic? It evolves, strikes a different balance with every new breath."
-- Wayne Muller
It doesn't matter where you are in life, changes of all kinds are continuously evolving. There are times when you have to go back to a place a time to really appreciate present life challenges and realize that things aren't as bad as they seem.
The following post written over a year ago found me at my lowest point ever, struggling in every area of my life, standing at the crossroads of life, not knowing where I was going or which path to take . . . all I knew is that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, realizing life would be wonderful again.
It has been a challenging time for me professionally even though I am working at the place that is perfect for me at this time of my life. Nothing is perfect in life all the time . . . no matter what, there will be struggles and challenges to face.
Isn't that the nature of the beast?
The thing to do is know when it is time to recharge the batteries, be grateful for life lessons, look back at other times challenges were faced and know that they were conquered by taking life one step at a time.
Today I am charging my batteries, not feeling well and decided to take the day off to heal. After reading the following post, my batteries have been recharged and I'm ready to face my present day challenges knowing that I can do anything I set my mind to do.
Life is beautiful and I am very grateful for all the gifts that God has blessed me with since my life has drastically changed since the day I wrote the following post.
This post was originally written
12/12/08
Today has found me feeling that unsettled emotion that scares me so badly.
eBay suspended me because of low seller ratings from buyers for two things that they agreed to when they bought items from me . . . high shipping and handling fees and long shipping times . . . both are no secret . . . I'm an honest seller! I clearly disclose those facts. Now my eBay account is locked up until my "seller ratings improve" . . . I can't even edit anything in my store or stop an item from relisting since I have automatic relisting until the item sells on everything.
Through the years eBay has made it increasingly difficult to make money online . . . it was once an awesome way to make money . . . good money. I hate changes and feelings of insecurity.
eBay has been my only means of steady survival . . . something I could fall back on while I am on my job search. All this means is that I'm gonna have to jump at the first job that comes my way instead of finding something that is suited for me. I hate looking for a job while I have a job . . . to me, that is not being loyal. Hopefully I will get some short term work to hold me over until I find what I really want.
Damn eBay . . . I hate them! But . . . haven't I been holding on to something that has not been solid for a while? I had no idea the economy was gonna go through so many swift changes . . . nobody did!
As the dominoes fall all around the world, I'm not the only one holding on to shaky ground. It seems like the "world society" is bracing for the wildest financial ride of our lives. Very scary . . .
I've done all I can do from my computer as far as the job search goes. Several agencies have contacted me for interviews . . . so . . . I will probably be heading out for my mom's house tomorrow since everything is on her side of town.
Now that I think she understands to stop nagging me because it makes me very depressed to have so much negative energy coming my way, we can have another pleasant visit and I can be on the right side of town where all the awesome jobs are. I don't know what's happened to my part of town lately . . . even the big stores moved out.
I'll spend the balance of the evening packing up my stuff and prepare for another adventure. The ironic part of writing about changes tonight is how I am changing. It seems as though the changes are coming faster, I'm adapting to picking up and leaving the house for days and weeks at a time. There was a time getting in the car to drive to the grocery store was a major problem and someone had to go with me when I did leave.
On some days, finding those little things to be grateful for are difficult to find. It would seem that finding those things today could possibly be impossible, but they are not.
One thing about going through rough times and feeling like you have hit bottom . . . when you pick yourself up and see how far you've come, there is not much in the world that you can be more grateful for . . . other than healthy life itself.
Tonight I am looking back at those times when JR first died . . . I had times of not getting in a vehicle and going anywhere for months . . . years at a time. There was no reason for me to leave . . . JR did all the running around and he was so happy to have me home waiting on him. When he died, I was dysfunctional in so many ways and had to overcome many battles. Tonight I am grateful for those battles.
As I face an ever-increasing financial crisis, I am a stronger person who can almost laugh in the face of fear and struggles . . . I've been at the very bottom and I know I will never be there again. It is just a matter of going through the motions, doing what I've gotta do, keep making those incremental changes in my life.
The first step is finding that job that will make me financially secure, content with my life and find that job satisfaction that totally fulfilled me in the past. OK, so I'll be happy just making enough money to get me by until I find that perfect job for me.
And I do see the light at the end of the tunnel :-)
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Beginnings
"Behold, I make all things new."Rev 21:5
"One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things."Henry Miller
"The majority of men meet with failure because of their lack of persistence in creating new plans to take the place of those which fail."Napoleon Hill
"Success comes from taking the initiative and following up... persisting... eloquently expressing the depth of your love. What simple action could you take today to produce a new momentum toward success in your life?"Tony Robbins
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Disappointment
"The sudden disappointment of a hope
leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment
of that hope never entirely removes.”
“The size of your success is measured by the
strength of your desire; the size of your dream;
& how you handle disappointment along the way.”
that results when your expectations are not realized.
Once again I am in the process of restructuring my blogs . . . this is an older post that defines the struggle I've experienced since becoming a widow. Life changes can grab a hold of you and turn you upside down . . . over and over again. In my new way of perceiving life with a positive attitude, I try to think of disappointment as what is thrown at us so we can appreciate the good things and times in our lives.
Since the following post was written, I've experienced several more deaths . . . close friends and family members . . . the grieving process never stops . . . and neither does disappointment. It is all a cycle of life.
Disappointment is the emotion I'm dealing with this week and until today have not been able to define exactly what I have been feeling.
A long time relationship recently ended, I'm still dealing with the grief and adjusting to losing my spouse, several friends disappointed me recently in a major way that I am having a difficult time getting over, I turned another year older last week and I'm disappointed with myself for not having myself together by now . . . hmmm I don't think I need to go on with the "whys" . . .
Understanding the emotions that disappointment and grief has thrown at me is what I needed. So today's quest is to deal with my feelings of disappointment and grief as they relate to my life circumstances . . . understanding each one is a part of the process of healing.
Some important points . . . when something is lost, you will experience stages of grief, sometimes disappointment, to varying degrees. The length of time is determined by the value a person places on what was lost.
Like I'm losing the ability to hear music coming from those awesome music players that I was so happy to find . . . it is one of life's little pleasures for me to have music play on my posts. A simple thing, a minor irritation . . . those are little disappointments that irritate the hell out of me, but are out of my control and I shouldn't worry about it, but it still makes me crazy since these things hold a degree of importance in the quality of my life. Not grief, just disappointment and irritation.
However, the loss of an important relationship . . . disappointment with the circumstances and grieving the death of a long time relationship. I've been trying to sweep the grief under the rug because I need to get over it and why was I feeling that way about another man anyway . . . guilt would come in waves at loving another man. It does not work that way, you can't ignore anything that really bothers you . . . it festers inside of you and turns into more than what it really is if you don't deal with it . . . whatever it is.
Problems of any kind don't just go away . . . like all the boxes in my house that I procrastinate about won't go away . . . I have to deal with them.
When JR died, I was so strong I amazed everyone around me . . . I didn't want those close to me to worry about me, I had to be strong for his mom who was falling apart. It has to be heartbreaking to lose a child. My mom was ready to fall apart but was strong like I was being to be there for me (vicious cycle).
There were times I just wanted everyone to leave me and go home so I could cry without ceasing. And if I was not strong, hold everything and everybody together, everyone would have fallen apart. In many ways I did, but I hid it from everyone close to me. They had no idea how hard I took it . . . at times I fooled myself. Little did I know that resisting these emotions rather than allowing myself to go through these stages only prolonged the process of acceptance and healing.
In my studies, I've learned that the grief process may take you through the different stages of denial, anger, guilt and acceptance in an unpredictable order several times, making you feel like you're getting nowhere. But if you work through each one as it comes, you will eventually come to the stage of acceptance where there is a sense of hope and well-being and purpose.
I've been through all of them . . . and I still live with insomnia, restlessness and anxiety which are also part of the process. I have approached acceptance . . . which is the stage where you accept the reality of what happened and know that regardless of the loss, life will go on and it can be good.
Disappointments keep me from believing my life can be happy again . . . like how can one person be lucky enough to find the degree of happiness I had in my former life again, even if it is a totally different life of embracing my solitude and being happy with whatever I end up doing. I don't see it because of all the obstacles and hurdles I have had to jump and feel like I'm getting nowhere as far as happiness goes. Sometimes, like this past week, I get tired of trying and just want to settle with the motions of breathing, be grateful for life and wait to die.
The only thing that keeps me going is that I know that God is in control and He can work in my life to accomplish His purposes . . . sometimes it is difficult to keep the faith . . .
I'm not looking for pity and I'm not having a pity party . . . this is me trying to understand and deal with what I'm going through and hopefully helping someone else cope with a similar circumstance.
Disappointment is universal, we all feel it in varying degrees and we go through similar stages of dealing with it . . . or we should . . .
no matter how small they are!!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Runaway
One is strong, and the other one feels so weak,
And this plan feels so strange to me,
It’s all I see, baby
Runaway ~ Nelly Furtado
. . . no more running away!
and published on August 2007
Running away . . . isn’t that what I’ve been doing? Sure, it’s true that I’ve not gone anywhere . . . in fact, I’ve locked myself in my self-imposed prison and have not left my house since last week. It is what I’ve wanted.
in the midst of my inner struggle.
just from listening to a song
in my bizarre, analytical way
There are only two places that I see
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Empty words
“Love is not in the word,
but in the proof of action.”
Author unknown
It amazes me that I forgot about one of the most absurd relationships I’ve ever had in my life . . . until I read this entry from back in 2007. The emotions of the situation and the way I handled it have come back to me like a comedy routine that really happened.
The actual facts were never disclosed and I will save the entire story for another time . . . I’m still not ready to tell the whole tale although it is very funny. The downside is that it cured me from wanting to date local guys or even look for someone new in my life.
It was around the time that I felt confident about diving into the dating scene again and posted a profile on some of the dating websites. This endeavor produced one promising candidate named Tommy.
Tommy and I embarked upon the journey of attempting to make a love connection and getting to know each other. We were both seriously ready to find “the one.” However, this is one of those life situations that sent me back to my hermit cave, never returning to the dating scene.
You could say this about anything in life . . . I’ve grown up with the saying “put your money where your mouth is” . . . meaning do what you say and say what you do . . .
Words are just words on a page, on a computer screen or spoken . . . those words don’t really take on meaning until action is taken to prove their validity. Otherwise you are just fooling yourself, someone else or both . . . empty words.
No one is immune to the phenomena of good intentions in the context of empty words. I’ve been guilty of that many times. How many times do I say that I want to do this or that, the serious intentions behind the statements are valid, but for one reason or another, I don’t put action behind my words. Good intentions . . . dreams . . . wishful thinking . . . procrastination.
However, as it relates to love, perhaps in the context of promises, proclamations of love . . . they honestly have no meaning within themselves. They are merely empty words until action is taken to prove those words. Empty words are used to deceive . . . for one reason or another.
A song that I wrote many years ago resides on a very old cassette and the lyrics written in a huge notebook with other song lyrics. “Empty Words” is the title of the song . . . I’d post the lyrics, but they are not copyrighted. Something happened yesterday that reminded me of that song and inspired this blog.
Since I was a young adult with aspirations of being the next rock star singer/songwriter my words have been empty. How many times did I take the stage when given the opportunity only to begin to walk out, see the audience and totally freak out, turn around and go back in retreat. All that talk of wanting to be a successful rock star . . . empty words with good intentions. Maybe one day I will at least publish my songs and be a successful songwriter . . . but it takes actions.
I recently spoke empty words with good intentions that disappointed someone new in my life, but at the same time showed me that this person lacks understanding and compassion for someone they supposedly care for and are much too rigid and uptight of a person to enjoy life and share happiness with someone if such a small, insignificant thing could turn into such a huge deal.
The subject of another blog . . . understanding and compassion . . . one of the most key elements to an awesome relationship. Another subject that goes along with it is harsh and hurtful words . . . another key element needed . . . kindness. Without these things you have nothing.
I’m glad I was able to see these characteristics in him before I could seriously get hurt by this guy and his raging temper that flared up in a restaurant resulting in my calmly getting up, walking out and leaving him stewing in his rage all alone. Funny how he got louder shouting, “where are you going?” as I just about ran out the door.
In retrospect, I would have loved to be a fly on the wall to see the look on his face as he stood there alone in the crowded restaurant, after figuratively “showing his ass” for all the world to see.
Never in my life would I even think of ending a seemingly perfect relationship because I ordered french fries with my dinner . . . but more bizarre things have happened in my life . . . although this one is up there!
All I can say is that God is always watching out for me and I am so grateful that I ordered those freakin’ french fries that sparked my initial decision to embrace my solitude after realizing that Dr. Jekyll can turn into Mr. Hyde.