All About Soul

"We live in a world that needs more soul, more meaning. We, as conscious beings, have, as our primary responsibility, at this time in human history, the task of bringing soul into the world, or releasing soul into the world. We do this, first of all, in ourselves and in our own personal world; then we do it in our groups - including family; then we do it in our society through our work, relationships and presence there."

 Andrew Schneider

"Joy that comes out of sorrow" . . . a line from Billy Joel's song All About Soul struck me as very odd and I'm trying to figure it out.

When I found the above quote, it made me think of that song.

As I read the quote again and again as I listen to the song, I realized that I'm a million miles away from everything.  I've momentarily lost my soul.

I'm just getting over some kind of vicious virus that did not want to go away and my tooth decided to give me a hard time again, so now I'm dealing with a swollen face and sinus problems.  Guess that all plays into the mix.  I'm tired of not feeling good for a long stretch of time.

It is irritating me that at a time when I should be continuing to search for the new meaning I've been looking for in my life, I have to deal with some kind of physical pain.  I'm usually stronger than this.  I want my "soul" back!  It feels dark and cold and out of control.

Joy that comes out of sorrow . . . maybe that is the lesson.

God has put me in this place and time . . . my hope and faith needs to carry me through the conclusion of this lesson as I continue my journey to attain the harmony  that comes from peace,love and happiness.

Aren't we all on that journey in one way or another?

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There is nothing love cannot face

There is nothing love cannot face; 

there is no limit to its faith, 

its hope, and its endurance.

St. Paul

I Corinthians 13:7

Those are some of the most beautiful words ever written
 from my favorite part of the bible. I don't read it often enough!

Have you ever lived these words?

Think about it . . . you know you have!

Have you ever loved another person so much that your love's endurance outlived the problems that persisted with lots of faith and hope to keep you going?

I often wonder why people stay in relationships that did not make them happy.  Perhaps living without that person they loved so much would be impossible.  Many move on to get past the little irritations that make them unhappy and end up with the greatest relationship they could ever dream of.

How about the single mom with the impossible child as she struggles with survival in this crazy world, all by herself?  That would take lots of hope and faith!

There are so many instances I could go on and on about that this quote from the greatest book ever written can be applied to.  Such simple words with so much meaning!

It all starts and ends with love.

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Front Row Seat Relationships

"Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. 

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. 

Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you? 

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life."

Author Unknown

My life has been blessed and cursed with various friendships and acquaintances through the years.

Some can't even be categorized as a relationship . . . they were acquaintances that were evil and vicious, harsh lessons in life that are unfortunately necessary.  One in particular was a family member.

Many of you will wonder why I feel those relationships were necessary.  For one thing, I think these relationships make us stronger and help us recognize what is good vs evil in our relationships, even at an early age.

Those who were evil and vicious to me confused me in my younger days, wondering what I did to make them act toward me in that manner.  There were times I blamed myself for doing "something" I didn't understand.  As a result, it is my belief I became a better person for it . . . a kinder person who didn't want to make someone else feel that awful feeling I experienced.

My nature was way too trusting, even as I grew into early adulthood, when I was handed the most vicious acts of evil from those I grew to trust the most.  I was crushed.  The result was trust issues in future relationships.

That is how we form the way we react to people in general, by life experience.  Unfortunately for me, it left me with a strong distrust for my fellow human beings, no matter what my intuition told me.  For various reasons, to this day, I still don't trust my intuition completely.

My close and trusted friendships are few, but strong and very special.  I'm sorry to say that most of my truest and trusted friends have passed away recently.

I've learned to leave new friendships at arm's length and slowly work my way into strengthening the relationship.  I quickly recognize the ones that will be a draining experience, negative or downright incompatible.  As harsh as it may sound, they are discarded from my life like the morning trash.

I no longer work in my former profession that I loved and cherished so much  because of office politics . . . I just can't handle it, although some of my best friends were once co-workers.

The ones that grow into close and trusted friendships are cherished like the jewels they are.  They are my front row seat relationships, of which I include many family members, but not all.  

Those who have been discarded don't even sit in the balcony . . . my theater does not have a balcony.  There is only room in my theater for MY drama.

Life experience has taught me who is worthy and who is not.

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Readdressing an old struggle

Today The Captain and I attended a "Quit Smoking" workshop and I am officially a non-smoker again.  He is on Day #19 since he was ready to stop before I was.  We are on our way to one of my biggest dreams, to be a non-smoker again.

Last time I quit was for two years and I felt wonderful and so proud of myself for the major accomplishment and best thing I ever did for myself.  The following blog posts from back in the day shows the pride I felt. 

Sadly, my addiction to love was stronger . . . and I fell in love with The Captain, who was a smoker.  As things work out, nothing is ever perfect and I could not fight being around someone smoking and not enjoying a cigarette myself.  "Just one" turned into becoming a smoker again.  I found that awesome love I was searching for, but it came at a price.

It is something I haven't written about . . . feeling the failure of falling down and starting to smoke again after working so hard to quit.  Having to face my family, one person at a time, having to admit I had failed and was once again smoking broke my heart.  The looks of disappointment were difficult to deal with.

So much has changed since those days.  My personal life has totally changed, married The Captain and we are now retired (at least for now).  

What is ironic is while some things change so drastically, some things never change . . . dealing with some type of a struggle.  The old blog posts show that. I was struggling with the need for someone to love and knowing that he was out there.  I love going back to those old posts!

I really hate those struggles that must be readdressed, but this one is so very important and would make me so happy.  Once addicted to whatever the addiction is, we are always addicted and should never fool ourselves into thinking we are infallible.  We definitely are.

Since successfully going through the quit smoking thing, even though it was not forever, I feel as though it is not hopeless as I once thought.  I know cigarettes are not a thing that I can't give up.  And I know I will.  

But I will always be addicted.

Today I am patting myself on the back for Day #1 and the decision to just do it again.

Originally posted on April 3, 2008

The following entry represents a time in my life that makes me appreciate my present life circumstances so much. It was a time of disappointment and changes . . . a time of realization of the new world I had been thrown into when I became a widow.

The love and companionship of a husband, lover, soul mate and best friend that I cherished was gone and the realization that I may never feel those awesome feelings again with someone else. After all, how could I think that I would be so lucky to find it twice in my life when most people don't ever experience that kind of love in their life.

It was also a time of change and amazing strength going through the withdrawals of quitting smoking. There were times that I thought I was truly going crazy. Addictions do that to you and I was kicking the habit of two of them . . . cigarettes and love.

I've always been addicted to love and guess I always will be although I have finally accepted the fact that if God intends for me to have love in my life again it will happen whether I want it to or not. I don't worry about it anymore. In fact I'm quite content now that I've found an awesome job that I enjoy and constantly challenges me.

In times of change and difficulties, don't we all tend to be way too hard on ourselves? Seems like I have spent a lot of time beating myself up . . . I still do, but I've made tremendous progress although I expect way too much of myself, but I don't see that as a totally bad thing.

As for my smoking addiction, I still have not picked up a single cigarette since quitting and today is Day #505 since I kicked the habit. Major accomplishment for a three-pack a day smoker!

My primary New Year's Resolution for 2008 was to find peace, happiness and contentment with a positive attitude to keep the balance on bad days. For the most part, it is working for me. Sure, I have my bad days, but they are few and far between . . . I call that progress and I have so much to be grateful for, especially after reading my blog entries like the one that follows.

Some of my daydreams have already been fulfilled . . .



Originally posted on January 21, 2007

Still thinking about Prince Charming . . . can't get him off of my mind. I have mentioned that I don't see his face, but he is familiar and I do know what he looks like. I have a definite "type" . . . and I know exactly what I want. The good thing about that is you know it when you see it.

This is a crazy good kind of thing tonight, the glass is half full kind of thing . . . I am talking out loud, just rambling and much like daydreaming. I asked for peace prayers last night from my friends and tonight I am feeling so much more optimistic about my life in general.

I've tried to get some work done, but I can't. My bills are covered, so why don't I just give myself a break from something and lighten up the load a bit . . . stop overloading the brain. Without a doubt, I know that I think too much. Sometimes it is good to be irresponsible.

God knows who my Prince Charming is, he made him for me and me for him, and at some point in our lives, we will appear to each other at the appropriate time and know for ourselves. He is the person in the song lyrics that follow in the song "Hear Me" by Kelly Clarkson.

There is something I was thinking about tonight . . . I went through this craving for true love before I met my husband when I was constantly disappointed for one reason or another . . . and it happened exactly as it was written . . . "good things come to those who wait . . ." It really is a craving, one that does not ever go away, yet sometimes they are stronger than others. This one feels different, almost like it has been taken out of my control. He is near . . . I feel him . . . I see him . . . he is familiar.

Then again, I could be getting these cravings because I want a cigarette so bad . . . just kidding, I know the difference, but both are difficult to struggle through in their own ways. By the way, you are considered a non-smoker after six months, so I am 1/3 of the way there. WOW I feel awesome about that . . .

Thank you to all my friends who prayed for me last night. You helped me through a bad moment in time and I so appreciate all of you. I'm here for you too! Have an awesome Sunday!

"Hear Me" recorded by Kelly Clarkson

Hear me
Hear me

You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me

Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me

I used to be scared of
Letting someone in
But it gets so lonely
Being on my own
No one to talk to
And no one to hold me
I'm not always strong
Oh, I need you here
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me

I'm restless and wild
I fall, but I try
I need someone to understand
Can you hear me?
I'm lost in my thoughts
And baby I've fought
For all that I've got
Can you hear me?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me

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Communication techniques for a healthy relationship

While there are disagreements that fall under the category of "agree to disagree," it is always the better practice to develop good communication techniques to resolve disagreements in a relationship.  

Leaving issues unresolved can lead to resentment that can turn into a big ugly monster.

Slay the big ugly monster before he even shows that ugly face by developing some great communication techniques.

The following is what my research found on good communication . . .

1. It is important to give your full attention with no distractions like the television or sitting behind the computer to really listen to what the other person is saying.

2. You should repeat back to them what you heard them say . . . "what I hear you saying is . . ."  Sometimes what we think we hear is not exactly what was said, so be sure to really know and understand what they are telling you.

3. Speak up and express your feelings. No one is a mind reader! They won't know what you are feeling unless you tell them.

4. Speak in a non-threatening manner in a calm tone. When threatened, the response is usually a defensive one that is counter-productive to good communication.

5. Take a break from the conversation and give each other space if the conversation becomes heated to prevent further escalation which leads to saying hurtful things to each other. Do you really hear what the other person is saying while yelling? Calm down and step away before it gets to that point.

6. Eye contact and giving the other person your full attention is very important since great communication can also be non-verbal.  Back to #1 . . . turn off the television and computer . . . no distractions.

7. Allow enough time to have your conversation without the feeling of either person being rushed which helps put all of the other communication techniques into practice.

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Declaration of Love

If you love someone, let them know.

It’s easy to take our feelings for granted and to assume that the people we care about know how we feel about them. But while those we love are often quite cognizant of our feelings, saying “I love you” is a gift we should give to our loved ones whenever we can. Letting people know you love them is an important part of nurturing any kind of loving relationship. Few people tire of being told they are loved, and saying “I love you” can make a world of difference in someone’s life, take a relationship to a new level, or reaffirm and strengthen a steady bond. Everyone needs to hear the words “I love you.” Three simple words – I - Love - You. When you declare your love for someone you admit to them that you care for them in the most significant way.

It can be difficult to express your love using words, particularly if you grew up around people that never expressed their affection verbally. But you should never be afraid to say “I love you” or worry that doing so will thrust you into a position of excessive vulnerability. It is important to share your feelings with those that matter to you. Part of the fulfillment that comes with loving someone is telling them that you love them. Besides, love exists to be expressed, not withheld.

If you love someone, let them know. Don’t be afraid of the strength of your emotions or worry that your loved one won’t feel the same way. Besides, the words “I love you” are often best said to another without expectation of a return investment. As each one of us is filled with an abundance of love, there is never any worry that you’ll run out of love if your expression of love isn’t said back to you. Saying “I love you” is a gift of the heart sent directly via words to the heart of a recipient. Even though it may not always look that way, love from the heart is an offering that is always unconditional and given without strings attached. That is the true essence of the gift of “I love you.”

Source:  Daily Om

Happy Valentine's Day!

It is that one day that the special gift of love, the declaration of love does come with strings attached.  The declaration of love on Valentine's Day is expected to be reciprocated.  Isn't it?

Withheld love is a hopeless romantic's most horrific nightmare, just a thought that crossed my mind as I read the above quote from Daily Om.

Everyone deserves to be cared for in a significant way, declared not only in words, but in actions.  Not only on Valentine's Day, but every day.

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The Encouragement of Love

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.

Louisa May Alcott

There are times that a strong faith in God or the guidance and encouragement from those we love and look up to make all the difference in the world. Some are lucky enough to have both.

God's love and guidance is available to everyone.  Hopefully we all have those who love and encourage us when we need it.

Do you sometimes have the vision but lack the motivation to reach your highest aspirations?  Do you reach out to those you love in these times?  Do you trust enough to follow where they may lead you?

It all starts with the first rung of the ladder and progresses toward the top at its own pace.  There are times when trying to reach the top in the first step will lead you nowhere . . . it is impossible, or so it seems.  Isn't it the purpose of a ladder, to take one step at a time?

It is faith and trust that leads us to that first step.

The following is an excerpt from a Daily Om article that speaks of trusting in those we love to help us make that first step, or the second, or third.

"The love of important people in our lives can serve as a secure foundation for our outer-world endeavors because knowing that we are cared for grants us a higher degree of self-confidence than we might otherwise have known. 

We can courageously take risks and embark upon endeavors that take us outside of our comfort zones because we know that we can retreat into the affectionate embrace of the important people in our lives if anything should go wrong. Likewise, simply knowing that these individuals believe that we are capable of achieving great feats of emotional and intellectual fortitude provides us with much of the strength we need to prevail over adversity.

You will feel the weighty comfort of the tenderness of those who love you today, and the security this comfort affords you will help you grow as an individual."

Source: Daily Om

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Unrealistic Expectations

Most women are guilty of unrealistic expectations when looking for love and forever . . . aren't we?

Although we know for a fact that Prince Charming does not exist, we still search for him. If the expectation is to find a man who has the traits we most look for in a man, good looks, humorous, stable, patient, trusting and loyal (I know I am leaving out many more), we may as well be looking for that magic carpet that will take us off into the sunset.

Men are equally guilty of unrealistic expectations when searching for their perfect woman . . . you know you are guys!

We are human . . . we want it all when it comes to most everything, but especially when looking for love.  None of us want to settle for imperfections in another person, although we are not perfect ourselves.

Any type of relationship takes time and patience.  However, when high expectations of fantasy collide with reality, we are setting ourselves up for a long period of time trying to fit a round peg in a square hole, losing patience that will ultimately result in failure.

No matter where you are in your relationship, the most important thing to learn is how to reasonably compromise.  Equally as important is being realistic about the type of person you want when searching for your forever soulmate . . . he or she is worth it.

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Stop Me

An old love from the past had come back into my life.  It was an unresolved issue that haunted me most of my adult life.  He had joined the military and never came back . . . well, not until many years after I became a widow.  We had a second chance for a future together when he came back into my life through Classmates.com after all those years.  

To make a long story short . . . 
I walked away after determining that we were never meant to be.  

Although I was heartbroken, my wise decision brought the closure and resolution to one of the biggest heartaches of my youth.  At the time, I didn't see my decision as one of the greatest blessings of my life.

The irony of life and holding on to hope and faith . . .

One door closes and another opens! 

The Captain came into my life shortly after my decision to just walk away from what I determined was not my destiny and I wrote the following post.  There were no expectations, The Captain and I developed an awesome friendship that eventually turned into love and forever.

I'm grateful that no one tried to STOP ME!

This post was originally  published on 2/24/09

I have always held firmly to the thought
that each one of us can do a little to
bring some portion of misery to an end.

(Albert Schweitzer)

Isn't that the truth?
Don't we sometimes perpetuate our own misery?

I've caught myself midstream into a pity party and have finally been able to pick myself up in the midst of getting to that miserable place. It is an example of what we can learn to do in order to stop that vicious cycle of misery and finally bring it to an end.

Slaying the dragon . . .
it has been one of my biggest demons

In light of recent developments in my life that seems to be another vicious cycle . . . circumstances that make me deliriously happy and feeling as though I'm walking on clouds only to make my ascent from the heavenly clouds abrupt and painful. The disappointments keep happening.

Do I turn off that part of me that thoroughly enjoys expectations of happiness after such a long period of grief and misery? Every time I'm disappointed I go back and readdress expectations in my life. Next time I am going on about how happy I am . . . STOP ME . . . it is like the kiss of death.

Must I turn off that part of me that feels joy because romantic history continues to repeat itself and I always end up more unhappy than before the joy happened? Next time I am going on about feeling joy . . . STOP ME . . . it is like the kiss of death.

I'm learning to forget about great expectations . . . and to me, that is so very sad . . . it is part of the beauty and allure of the quest for love and romance . . . and so much a part of who I am.

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Finding Hidden Gifts

"We need to make friends with what we reject, what we see as "bad" in ourselves and in other people. We must not only tolerate what we find painful, but actually approach it more deeply, more wholeheartedly rather than trying to escape from it. The only way to do this successfully is with an open heart, letting it soften you. This way you are not attacking it or seeking to eradicate it, but instead embracing it. For only then will it serve the purpose for which it exists and can reveal to you the gift hidden within it.

Identify something you reject in yourself or in another and take it into your heart. Let it speak to you and reveal its teaching, blessing or energy." 

Source: The Soul Journey 

Well, it sounds easy, doesn't it?

Letting those irritating things in ourselves and others speak to us is one thing . . . they already speak volumes to me!  The trick is allowing it to reveal its blessing in our lives when it is painful or a major irritation robbing us of peace and happiness.

It seems to me that it is all in the perspective in which it is approached.  A positive thinker will embrace the hidden gift rather quickly, while the negative thinker will see it as an impossible task.  

The negative thinker will just want to sweep it under the rug and either ignore it completely, hoping it will just go away or complain about it, declaring that life is just not fair and hoping that since they are entitled to be happy, the situation or the trait will just go away.  Guess what?  It won't!

There are many levels and aspects of this concept.  While seeking the hidden gifts in our own flaws may be an achievable task, it is quite a different story when it comes to another person.  Disagreements in a relationship usually have so many layers, they get convoluted when combined with personality traits.

Perhaps the way to first approach the situation is to envision the end result in a compassionate and positive manner . . . peace and happiness.  Ask yourself the right questions . . . "how can peace and happiness be achieved in this situation?" . . . take each identifying factor individually rather than combined with everything else.

When it comes to evaluating and analyzing the irritating thing involving someone else, make sure that all bitterness and anger of the situation is set aside before even attempting to think about it positively.

All in all, I found this concept very interesting and can prove to be an insightful way to look at life situations and those special people in our lives.  We are all special and unique individuals with our gifts (whether they be hidden or not) that others find pleasant and attractive which also comes with those things that are irritating!

Love yourself and those you love enough to find those hidden gifts!

  

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Relationship with self

The most important relationship we have in our lives is with ourselves. And even though we are the only ones who are present at every moment of our lives—from birth onward—this relationship can be the most difficult one to cultivate. This may be because society places such emphasis on the importance of being in a romantic partnership, even teaching us to set aside our own needs for the needs of another. Until we know ourselves, however, we cannot possibly choose the right relationship to support our mutual growth toward our highest potential. By allowing ourselves to be comfortable with being alone, we can become the people with whom we want to have a relationship.

Perhaps at no other time in history has it been possible for people to survive, and even thrive, while living alone. We can now support ourselves financially, socially, and emotionally without needing a spouse for survival in any of these realms. With this freedom, we can pursue our own interests and create fulfilling partnerships with friends, business partners, creative cohorts, and neighbors. Once we’ve satisfied our needs and created our support system, a mate then becomes someone with whom we can share the bounty of all we’ve created and the beauty we’ve discovered within ourselves.

As we move away from tradition and fall into more natural cycles of being in the world today, we may find that there are times where being alone nourishes us and other periods in which a partnership is best for our growth. We may need to learn to create spaces to be alone within relationships. When we can shift our expectations of our relationships with ourselves and others to opportunities for discovery, we open ourselves to forge new paths and encounter uncharted territory. 

Being willing to know and love ourselves, and to find what truly makes us feel deeply and strongly, gives us the advantage of being able to attract and choose the right people with whom to share ourselves, whether those relationships fall into recognizable roles or not. Choosing to enjoy being alone allows us to fully explore our most important relationship—the one with our true selves.

Source: The Daily Om

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The foundation of a great relationship

Love is not enough.

It must be the foundation.

The beginning and the end.

Everything or nothing.

And nothing without truth.

Author unknown

I want to take a part of the storyline from one of my favorite movies, "The Wedding Singer" to illustrate what I want to talk about . . . Trust, loyalty, respect in a relationship. Although I am speaking romantically, it also pertains to all types of relationships in life.

It is how we should treat any other fellow human being, no matter how much money they have, where they are born, what color their skin is, or what they do for a living.

RESPECT

A quick synopsis of the movie

The time is the mid 80’s . . . Robbie Hart is a wannabe rock-star, but in reality, he is New Jersey’s favorite wedding singer . . . the life of the party, that is, until his own fiancée leaves him at the altar. 
Heartbroken and dejected, Robbie can’t help but make every wedding he plays a disaster. Along comes Julia, a waitress who wins his affection. Problem . . . Julia is about to be married to a Wall Street shark. Robbie must pull off the performance of his life or the girl of his dreams will marry the shark who is all wrong for her.

Julia’s fiance was a cool guy with the good job, has money, dresses nice, drives an awesome car, he’s drop dead gorgeous and . . . oh yeah, he is already cheating on Julia before they are even married just because he can.

She feels it, she knows it . . . she’s not madly in love with him . . . so really, what difference does it make? He’ll give her a comfortable life.

But wait!

Isn’t that what is wrong with this world? We settle for what is going to be tolerable and comfortable, but not what is going to make us deliriously happy to want to jump out of bed everyday to a beautiful new day because we are so in love and so happy with our life?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH WAITING FOR THAT?

Why is does it seem that everything
is all about the money?

But I digress . . . I wanted to talk about honesty in a relationship. Why can’t people be honest anymore? Why is there always a hidden agenda of some kind? Don’t people want to simply be happy anymore? Is happiness, respect and decency coming second to whatever else is more important?

I don’t understand . . .
what could be more important than that?

And what about living a lie? Don’t people have a conscience that they can tell a lie so easily and be so dishonest? Don’t they have a problem looking at themselves in the mirror and looking at someone who is actually betraying themselves by telling lies? 

We answer to God and he knows . . .

Maybe that is why JR and I had such a great marriage.  We were totally honest with each other . . . sometimes I wondered if it was such a good idea to be so honest, but in the long run, it was the good thing to do. We had total respect for each other as individuals, as two human beings living sharing our time together on earth in peace and harmony, respecting each other and doing the best we could to make the other happy.

The Captain and I have both brought emotional baggage to our new marriage.  However, past lessons can make our present lives so much happier.   Working through all the little things that two people encounter with total honesty when they first come together is so very important in building the foundation for an awesome relationship.

The good thing about second marriages . . . you know what NOT to do.  

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