Holidays and Difficult Times

The holidays alone can bring on difficult times for so many in this world for many reasons.  I found an excellent article entitled "Difficult Times" that describes it perfectly.  It is posted further on this post, along with a link to the awesome website it comes from.

Holiday difficult times have struck me for more than just one year.  I wrote about one period of time following the death of my first husband JR.  He passed on in October, when it seems like the holiday can't wait to descend upon us.  The first year was almost unbearable . . . I just wanted to die myself.  Click here for that post, Sentimental Lady.

This year finds me with new life circumstances . . . a tree that is still crushing my house thanks to Hurricane Irma. 

Although I have tried to maintain a positive attitude as time creeps by with FEMA taking their sweet time looking over our appeal since they denied us financial help back in October, it becomes more difficult by the day.  

Not being able to go back home since September and not knowing if FEMA is going to accept our appeal for assistance is taking its emotional toll on me no matter how strong I try to be. 

My crushing house and the resulting life circumstances, along with memories of my old life and the grief associated with loved ones who are gone and missed have ushered in another dreaded holiday.  

Of course I am truly grateful for everything I have been blessed with, but there are those difficult holiday times where I am just downright depressed and have a difficult time pulling myself out of it.

This too shall pass . . . thank you for your prayers!

  

I am sharing this quote from a Facebook friend's wall . . .

"This is a difficult time of year for many who struggle with depression. The toughest time of the year for depression tends to be around the Holidays. Please be aware of those around you. Say an extra prayer, touch an extra hand, smile an extra smile. You are the difference! Please take the time to put this on your wall to help raise awareness of, and for those who have mental health difficulties." 

The following is an awesome post I found that fits perfectly with my post . . .

Difficult Times

BY MADISYN TAYLOR We can also benefit from times of constriction and difficult to help us grow and learn. It can be very challenging to maintain a positive attitude and a measure of faith when you are in the midst of difficult times. This is partly because we tend to think that if the universe loves us we will experience that love in the form of positive circumstances. However, we are like children, and the universe is our wise mother who knows what our souls need to thrive better than we do. Just as a young child does not benefit from getting everything she wants, we also benefit from times of constriction and difficulty to help us grow and learn. If we keep this in mind, and continue to trust that we are loved even when things are hard, it helps us bear the difficult time with grace. This period of time in history is full of difficulty for a lot of human beings, and you may feel less alone knowing you are not being singled out. There are extreme energy changes pulsing through the universe at every level and, of course, we are all part of the growing process and the growing pains. It helps if we remember that life is one phase after another and that this difficult time will inevitably give way to something new and different. When we feel overwhelmed we can comfort ourselves with the wise saying: This too shall pass. At the same time, if you truly feel that nothing is going right for you, it's never a bad idea to examine your life and see if there are some changes you can make to alleviate some of the difficulty. Gently and compassionately exploring the areas giving you the most trouble may reveal things you are holding onto and need to release: unprocessed emotions, unresolved transitions, or negative ways of looking at yourself or reality. As you take responsibility for the things you can change, you can more easily surrender to the things you can't, remembering all the while that this phase will, without doubt, give way to another.

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Happy Without

Even Socrates, who lived a very frugal and simple life, loved to go to the market. When his students asked about this, he replied, "I love to go and see all the things I am happy without."

JACK KORNFIELD

After a couple of decades of practicing the "simple abundance" lifestyle, I can honestly say that I am truly happy living with just those things that are necessary.  I don't know where the internet falls into the mix, but that may be the one exception.  For me, having a computer hooked up to the internet is a necessity.

There are down sides to this philosophy of life, although I see it as a positive way to live.

I no longer visit the mall.  There have been times in my life when the mall was emotional therapy.  Spending lots of money buying things I didn't need somehow filled a void that made me somewhat depressed.  Buying department store jewelry gave me the most pleasure.  There is something about little sparkly things that delights the senses.

Now I get that delight from buying used jewelry to resell in my online store.  It does give me joy to rummage through boxes of jewelry looking for those pieces that can find another life as a refashioned piece of jewelry.  That was my way of solving that problem of overspending on way too much costume jewelry!

The practice of buying stuff we can't afford and don't need is so apparent to me in other people.  For instance, one of my relatives delights in a buying frenzy, only to come home and lament the fact that "x" number of dollars were spent on that spending spree.  What happens?  After a day or so, she gathers up the stuff she really didn't want and returns the items.  Seems like a huge hassle to me!

Funny that these thoughts have occurred to me on this day . . . Black Friday.  As I was watching the news this morning, today it is all about sales and shopping . . . whipping everyone up into the frenzy of fighting your neighbors to take advantage of a sale for something you don't need.

One of the down sides of this philosophy . . . I don't really look forward to the holidays anymore, except for the real meaning of the season, which has nothing to do with shopping and spending money.

I partly blame being in the business of retail for so long.  The holidays were the time we would come home from the flea market with bundles of cash from awesome holiday sales.  We were so busy spending all of our time either preparing for the market or being at the market that selling became the big meaning of Christmas for way too many years.  It was all about making money.  At the same time, I had already adopted the lifestyle of simple abundance.

This is a rare year that my online store is closed since there is still a tree on our house compliments of Hurricane Irma.  Although I tried to get some inventory together and adjust the items in my Etsy store, having most of my stuff at home just made it too difficult since we are still living with my mom.

Hopefully this Christmas season can be all about the real reason for the season for The Captain and I.

Could you be "happy without"?

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Approach to gratefulness

Our approach to gratefulness has to be big enough to embrace all the difficulties of the world.

Br. David Steindl-Rast Natural disasters bring all types of damage.  It seems like the severity of damage is a roll of the dice.  Degrees of sacrifice range from modest to extreme. In the scope of Hurricane Irma hitting the Florida Keys with Category 5 force that left extreme devastation as far as the eye can see, I am so grateful for what seems like such minor damage we received from Category 1 force winds, even though after almost two months, we still can't live in our house. That is the approach to gratefulness we have chosen in the situation we find ourselves in. While I am angry that a huge tree limb covers the back side of our roof, making it impossible to assess the complete damage after all this time, I am grateful that there is a chance FEMA will help us rebuild, even though they turned us down the first time, prolonging the process, the agony and worsening the damage to our home.  Our appeal is being processed and it could take up to 90 days before we know if we are receiving financial help or not. We have no other choice than to exercise faith and patience.  The alternative is total insanity, which I teeter off the edge of.  It feels like time has stood still for us. Nevertheless, our approach has been one of total gratefulness, which has made everything much more tolerable despite emotional living conditions thrown at us that are best explained as manic.  Enough said about that . . . it has been one of the most difficult times of my life! With The Captain by my side, I have made it with my sanity intact thus far and for that I am so grateful!

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Reflection of Life

"Reflection is one of the most underused yet powerful tools for success."

Richard Carlson

Since Hurricane Irma decided to pick on our house and drop a tree on it, being suddenly homeless without a home to go to has forced me to look back and reflect on my life.

Of course there are the obvious "why me" questions I usually ask God when things are not going right.  Almost immediately, my thoughts turned to the reason why.  I've always believed in fate and destiny, with everything happening for a reason.

Although The Captain goes home several times a week to meet with potential contractors, I have not returned to see the damage.  For now, it is better to not be confronted with the coldness of my home being so damaged we can't live there.

Better is finding something positive in this drastic life experience.  The most logical is to learn the lesson of patience, which I have none, but learning to deal with everything in a relatively calm manner.  Through the years, I have been trying to learn how to deal with those things in life that can't be controlled.  God just gave me a huge push to understand the importance of patience.

It could be that the "reason why" won't be revealed until it is supposed to come to light.  Perhaps my future focus on life will be entirely different than it is today due to this experience . . . the new purpose I had been praying for.

Be careful what you pray for!

What have I learned in this month away from home?  I didn't realize how much I love that house, even with the disorganization and chaos.  It has been there for me since JR and I moved in on Christmas Eve of 1984.  What a delightful Christmas present it was!  Such a happy house . . . I had forgotten those magical days of promising new beginnings and starting a new adventure.  It was my place to hide and find peace when JR died, holding so many happy memories of my past life, love, precious pets who touched my life so profoundly that have crossed Rainbow Bridge and the huge back yard garden that was once my sanctuary which has turned into an unruly forest.

The magic was gone and it turned into a roof over my head . . . ultimately, the leaky roof over my head.  Like so many other things in life, I took my sweet little house for granted.

The damage has not been fully assessed since there are areas that can't be reached until the tree is off the house.

I have no idea if any of this makes sense, even to me . . . but at least I am ready to confront the "reason why" this happened to us and none of our neighbors.  God has the plan and the reason why.

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The Grief Experience

 "It is our journey, and it will travel with us like a shadow that has taken us by the hand and is not following, but leading us everywhere we go. It is our new staycation that we alone can experience."

An excerpt from "Why Dealing with Grief  is Different For Everyone" by Yvonne Broady, from the blog Sixty and Me.

As I approach another trigger day, what would have been the 37th wedding anniversary for JR and I, my thoughts go back to our wedding day and the promise of happily ever after.

The phases of grief as the years go by drastically change from one trigger day to another.  There are days of feeling extreme loneliness the loss of my best friends left me with.  I have often written about being lonely in a room full of people.  That feeling takes on different meaning from one day to another.  

As described in the article "feeling frozen in place," the shock of losing a very close person never goes away.  The freezing numbness changes from time to time, but it never goes away. For me, the loss has intensified as the years go by.

I feel very fortunate and grateful that The Captain allows me to talk about JR and we discuss places in time that are special to me.  Those discussions take me back in time as I replay them when the places in time collide with my present life.  It really does feel like an unbearable bad dream at times.

Another excerpt from the article in particular hits me like a ton of bricks . . . "To grieve the loss of a spouse or anyone we love so dear is to face the fact that we will never see them again on earth. There are no more last words, no more direct contact, no more activities to be shared ever. When that reality sinks in, the emotional distress that ensues can be more than one can handle." 

Since JR passed away, I have experienced the loss of close friends and family which compounds the grief emotions that haunt me at times.  Relief is found with life itself as present day happiness finds me.

One thing remains . . . for me the saying "this too shall pass" contributes to surviving grief moments.

Yvonne Broady lost her husband to pancreatic cancer in 2009. She faced the task of rebuilding her life as she dealt with the pain and grief of loss. Brave in a New World was written as a guide for those who are navigating a grief journey. The book explains the variety and complexity of feelings one has when they are mourning. She shares her journey through the grieving process and how she gradually rebuilt her life. Please visit Yvonne’s blog and follow her on Twitter.

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Dealing with a toxic relationship?

"If you grew up with a toxic parent, a toxic sibling or other close family member, you are likely more vulnerable to toxic relationships as an adult."

According to an article in Psychology Today, there are ways of dealing with a toxic person.


First of all, how do you know you are in a toxic relationship?  

Here are some signs:

• When you see the person, you come away feeling down on yourself
• You are plagued by guilt in the relationship
• The other person is focused mostly on getting his/her own needs met
• You often feel manipulated or controlled, one-down, or shamed
• The other person repeatedly hurts you, and then expects you to act as if nothing happened

Recipients of the toxicity often don't see themselves as being in a toxic relationship.  As they take the behavior of the toxic person, all they want to do is make it better.  Some may think they deserve it and blame themselves for what is wrong in the relationship.  Perhaps too much compassion for the other person?  That just results in making excuses for what is wrong.  


You can do something about it . . .

Read the article to get the detailed explanations of strategies that may help you:

1. Never let them pull you down to their level. Fighting back at their level will not work and you will end up feeling guilty.
2. Stop caring so much. Protect yourself!
3. Become more self-focused. It’s very likely that caring too little about yourself made you vulnerable to your person in the first place.  Begin to think more about how you feel and what you need.  
4. Stop falling for games and manipulations and stop participating. Take your power back.
5. Be cordial. Being cordial gives you the upper hand in a healthy, non-toxic way.
6. Hold him/her responsible for their actions. Be sure to do this in your own mind, at least.
7. Distancing and set your boundaries.  Emotionally or physically, or preferably both.
8. Live well.  If the toxic person is someone who will always be in your life, then your goal is to thrive in spite of the toxins. Make good choices and protect yourself!
   

Don't ever forget that you deserve to be treated fairly, respectfully and honestly at all times, by all people . . . anything less is unacceptable!

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Keep your goals on track

"You can keep your goals on track by concentrating on the facts of the here and now rather than your reactions to the past or your anxieties regarding the future. By focusing on what you need to do in the present to attain your goals, you can avoid being distracted by the unknown." 

Source:  The Daily Om

The quote is an excerpt of my horoscope for today and it can't be closer to the truth.   Self-defeating behavior distracts from focusing positively on plans for goals and ambitions.   

While it sounds like an excuse, behaviors that have become routine are subconscious and automatic . . . at least that is how I see it.

Change the behavior to remain aware, focused and positive.

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