Runaway

There are only two places that I see,
One is strong, and the other one feels so weak,
And this plan feels so strange to me,
It’s all I see, baby

Lyrics from the song
Runaway ~ Nelly Furtado

Life is a series of phases, changes and transitions . . . what makes the difference is our attitude towards life in general and how we approach these changes, whether they be pleasant or unpleasant ones. As I am reorganizing my blog posts around and going through old posts, I can see the different changes in my attitude, my reactions to what is going on in my life and how it affects how I am feeling.

At the time I wrote the following post, August 2007, I realized I was running away from my problems, just waiting to die . . . and since then I started to face them head on, tackling them one at a time.

I have the plan, working on it one day at a time
. . . no more running away!

Just one little change makes such a difference. I have proved it to myself many times, only to return to negative and warped thinking. How many times do we have to slip and fall, make the same mistakes over and over again before we learn?

Hopefully I have and this is a permanent change!

Runaway is one of my favorite songs of all time by one of my favorite singers, Nelly Furtado. This song has had different meaning at various stages in recent past. A powerful song can do that for me . . .

This post was originally written
 and published on August 2007

Running away . . . isn’t that what I’ve been doing? Sure, it’s true that I’ve not gone anywhere . . . in fact, I’ve locked myself in my self-imposed prison and have not left my house since last week. It is what I’ve wanted.

But haven’t I been running away from progress?

“And I know you wanna,

Let it go,

And I know you wanna,

Go with the flow,

But you can’t”

Many forces have been at work
 in the midst of my inner struggle.

Disappointments and disagreements with people in my life . . . my birthday came and went and I never admitted that being one year older has scared the hell out of me . . . future uncertainty with a sketchy plan . . . no real purpose in my life . . . and I’ve recently made a realization that scared me more than anything has scared me in a very long time . . . 

I’m just sitting around waiting to die.

Have I fallen down so many times that even though I go through the motions, in actuality, I’ve given up on life? Like the songs says . . . “and I know you wanna” . . . sure, I wanna this and I wanna that, but I don’t do it. I can’t.

Powerful words . . . “I can’t” . . . tell yourself this enough times and you never will. More than anything, I wanna go with the flow, my mind goes with the flow. It is like I described in another blog and I keep thinking about this analogy . . . it is not a merry-go-round that I can’t get off of that never stops . . .no, I am in the middle of it, the part that doesn’t move, yet the merry-go-round spins around the middle . . . and I can’t get on.

An awesome friend told me tonight that I’m not giving myself permission to move on . . . whatever force it is that is keeping me from doing so . . . guilt . . . fear . . . I’ve been thinking about it since he brought it to my attention. So I run away . . . no wonder this is one of my favorite songs. I can so relate to it . . . I live it daily. But who or what am I running away from? hmmmmm myself? And why? I can almost feel the wings beneath my feet.

The way I write, think and become inspired is very strange. Since I listen to music 24/7, I relate to song lyrics, I can get lost in them . . . but it is also my musical background as a songwriter that takes me to that point of inspiration. Song lyrics are about life, love . . . a tear in someone’s beer.

Tonight I was listening to my Nelly Furtado playlist and this song, Runaway, came on and I thought of the many times that I’ve gotten different meanings from this song. At this moment I’m not facing the things that I need to be doing and running away.

More progress
just from listening to a song
in my bizarre, analytical way 

Runaway | Nelly Furtado

Lyrics:

There are only two places I could go

One is dark, and it feels so hollow

And it lets me in only to swallow

Too much water until i drown, baby

And the other place is calm and sweet

I can almost feel wings beneath my feet

And i don’t care if it feels too deep

I like it, I like it

And I know you wanna

Take a chance

And I know you wanna

Understand me and

Let me in

But you, runaway from what you know

And you, runaway from what you don’t

I don’t wanna wait for you

To change your mind

Don’t take the time

Show me your love tonight

There are only two places that I see

One is strong, and the other one feels so weak

And this plan feels so strange to me

It’s all I see, baby

And i know you wanna

Let it go

And i know you wanna

Flow this love

But you can’t

So you, runaway from what you know

And you, runaway from what you don’t

I don’t wanna wait for you

To change your mind

Don’t take the time

Show me your love tonight, oh yeah, tonight.

All the angels know what i know

You’re an angel that sings to me

It’s the greatest secret of all

I am free from thinking

But you, runaway from what you know

And you, runaway from what you don’t

I don’t wanna wait for you

To change your mind

Don’t take the time

Let’s make love

Don’t runaway from what you know

Don’t runaway, just let it go

I don’t wanna wait for you

To tell me what’s right

Don’t fight it

Let’s make love tonight

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In search of peace

Are you continually struggling to
accomplish what is expected of you?

If so, stop to think for a moment:

Who holds those expectations?

In many ways, I am grateful for my dad’s strict rules and high standards . . . it made me personally strive to set goals and work hard to reach them. To this day, the satisfaction of a job well done is very important to me . . . more important than the money earned for the job, although money is a measurement of the success.

One of my former bosses was very influential in my life. He was a professor who freelanced as a management consultant/motivational speaker . . . a dynamic man who really enjoyed his life since he had a passion for his work that seamlessly flowed into his personal life.

The greatest lesson he taught me . . . you must love what you do for a living or else it is not a life that is worth living . . . you must be smiling while you work. He also taught me about appreciation.

He was an awesome boss . . . very much like my dad as far as setting high standards and expected near perfection from me, but there was a difference in his approach. Work was fun and he constantly nominated me for awards, bonuses and extra pay raises . . . there was a reward for the hard work. In turn, I expected more from myself than he did because I wanted to be worthy of those rewards that represented a job well done.

In retrospect, he and my dad expected the same high standards, but took a different approach, producing totally opposite results from me. One approach motivated me to achieve, the other approach turned me into a resentful and rebellious young lady, yet very ambitious and driven.

I’ve written about my dad before and how we never made peace . . . he was nasty to me even on his last days on earth . . . he was just a miserable man and obviously resented my presence in his life. It has taken me a long time to realize that I didn’t do anything wrong, I wasn’t a failure . . . it was my dad who miserably failed at life.

Set your own standards,
take pride in everything you do
and be true to yourself.

Don’t allow someone else to raise the bar
and make you feel like a failure.

This is what I wish I learned as a
little girl, but learned as an adult.

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Courage

Courage is the greatest of all the virtues.
Because if you haven’t courage, you may not
have an opportunity to use any of the others.

Samuel Johnson

There have been days when getting out of bed took courage. In my greatest depths of depression, my energy was totally sapped . . . it will do that to you.

Have you ever been through
one of those phases of life?

Dealing with death does that to me . . . the grief saps me of all energy to keep going. In my opinion, grief is a form of depression . . . I recognized the signs when one of my best friends died recently . . . that feeling of no energy consumed me and felt so familiar.

Going through the motions of putting one foot in front of the other to walk is a monumental task in these times. Many think that some of these symptoms that are felt is merely the “depressed” person being lazy.

The misconceptions associated with mental health are cruel and lack compassion . . . this is the attitude that keeps a depressed person in the depths of depression when the emotional support that is so needed is not there, especially if they are made to feel like they are “worthless,” leaving them feeling even more helpless with lower self-esteem. It is a vicious cycle.

It is not a conscious effort to physically do nothing, but the emotional state of the depressed person almost makes the simplest things in life impossible. I have referred to “getting up when I fall down” in previous posts . . . that one thing is the most difficult to do when physically and emotionally, there is no energy in order to get up.

What it takes to overcome the depths of depression is inner strength and courage to go against that energy, fight it with everything within you, get up and keep going. As time goes by, I have learned the longer you stay down, the harder it becomes to get back up. At least that is how I see it, having been through it several times in my life.

Life changes, losses and bad circumstances will take you to that dark place, not just grief. There are all types of losses that feel like death . . . for example, divorce or loss of a job. It is the disruption of a lifestyle.

We are living in times of trouble and should exercise compassion with those close to us going through a difficult time . . . emotions are very fragile in those times of lifestyle changes.

I’ll close with these words . . . never say “get over it” to someone having a difficult time.

How have you dealt with a
difficult situation in life?

What are your coping mechanisms?

How do you maintain peace and
contentment in bad times?

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Empty words

“Love is not in the word,

but in the proof of action.”

Author unknown

It amazes me that I forgot about one of the most absurd relationships I’ve ever had in my life . . . until I read this entry from back in 2007. The emotions of the situation and the way I handled it have come back to me like a comedy routine that really happened.

The actual facts were never disclosed and I will save the entire story for another time . . . I’m still not ready to tell the whole tale although it is very funny. The downside is that it cured me from wanting to date local guys or even look for someone new in my life.

It was around the time that I felt confident about diving into the dating scene again and posted a profile on some of the dating websites. This endeavor produced one promising candidate named Tommy.

Tommy and I embarked upon the journey of attempting to make a love connection and getting to know each other. We were both seriously ready to find “the one.” However, this is one of those life situations that sent me back to my hermit cave, never returning to the dating scene.

originally written August 1, 2007

You could say this about anything in life . . . I’ve grown up with the saying “put your money where your mouth is” . . . meaning do what you say and say what you do . . .

Words are just words on a page, on a computer screen or spoken . . . those words don’t really take on meaning until action is taken to prove their validity. Otherwise you are just fooling yourself, someone else or both . . . empty words.

No one is immune to the phenomena of good intentions in the context of empty words. I’ve been guilty of that many times. How many times do I say that I want to do this or that, the serious intentions behind the statements are valid, but for one reason or another, I don’t put action behind my words. Good intentions . . . dreams . . . wishful thinking . . . procrastination.

However, as it relates to love, perhaps in the context of promises, proclamations of love . . . they honestly have no meaning within themselves. They are merely empty words until action is taken to prove those words. Empty words are used to deceive . . . for one reason or another.

A song that I wrote many years ago resides on a very old cassette and the lyrics written in a huge notebook with other song lyrics. “Empty Words” is the title of the song . . . I’d post the lyrics, but they are not copyrighted. Something happened yesterday that reminded me of that song and inspired this blog.

Since I was a young adult with aspirations of being the next rock star singer/songwriter my words have been empty. How many times did I take the stage when given the opportunity only to begin to walk out, see the audience and totally freak out, turn around and go back in retreat. All that talk of wanting to be a successful rock star . . . empty words with good intentions. Maybe one day I will at least publish my songs and be a successful songwriter . . . but it takes actions.

I recently spoke empty words with good intentions that disappointed someone new in my life, but at the same time showed me that this person lacks understanding and compassion for someone they supposedly care for and are much too rigid and uptight of a person to enjoy life and share happiness with someone if such a small, insignificant thing could turn into such a huge deal.

The subject of another blog . . . understanding and compassion . . . one of the most key elements to an awesome relationship. Another subject that goes along with it is harsh and hurtful words . . . another key element needed . . . kindness. Without these things you have nothing.

I’m glad I was able to see these characteristics in him before I could seriously get hurt by this guy and his raging temper that flared up in a restaurant resulting in my calmly getting up, walking out and leaving him stewing in his rage all alone. Funny how he got louder shouting, “where are you going?” as I just about ran out the door.

In retrospect, I would have loved to be a fly on the wall to see the look on his face as he stood there alone in the crowded restaurant, after figuratively “showing his ass” for all the world to see.

Never in my life would I even think of ending a seemingly perfect relationship because I ordered french fries with my dinner . . . but more bizarre things have happened in my life . . . although this one is up there!

All I can say is that God is always watching out for me and I am so grateful that I ordered those freakin’ french fries that sparked my initial decision to embrace my solitude after realizing that Dr. Jekyll can turn into Mr. Hyde.

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Emotional distance

It doesn’t matter how far apart we are;
what matters is how close we stay

There is distance that is measured in miles,
then there is emotional distance

I’ve experienced closeness from across the world that was stronger than that which was in my face . . . I’ve also experienced the loss of that closeness that turns into emotional distance. With a long distance relationship, emotional distance is the one thing that will surely kill the romance . . . especially when it is unexplained, a mystery.

Through my blogs I have heard from many women who have enjoyed online long distance relationships . . . most read like horror stories, but on the other hand, I’ve heard beautiful love stores that remind me of my favorite romantic fairy tales.

Some would say that distrust and paranoid thinking creates the emotional distance some of us experience. However, isn’t it intuition that drives that same distrust and paranoia?

Although childhood experiences have often made me doubt my sense of intuition, surprisingly, my intuition is usually correct. Perhaps those experiences as a child gave me a greater sense of intuition that grew out of paranoia.

Distrust is a strong word, however, in an online long distance relationship isn’t it smart to be safe than sorry? Can you truly believe anyone you really don’t know and have never met?

In my experiences as a single woman, I’ve always had a certain level of “distrust” for anyone new that I meet. In this world of lies and deceit, it is a good practice to be conservatively skeptical until your intuition is reassured that all is on the level.

Even after your intuition is reassured, it takes two to make a relationship work, whether it is long distance or living together. Emotional distance is not measured by miles, but by nurturing those romantic feelings of closeness and mutual respect for each other.

How does your relationship measure up in emotional distance?

Can true love survive in a long distance relationship?

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Don't go there

Unless you have gone through a depression or have faced a time in your life that seemed hopeless, you can’t relate to the elation one feels when those feelings have lifted, when your mind, body and soul are no longer dwelling in the depths of despair, but rather in the hope of faith and peace.

Today I am feeling so grateful that with lots of practice, I am learning how to successfully fight negative thinking and depression.

Although I slipped and fell away from the promise I made to myself of perpetual positive thinking and happy attitude, life circumstances pulled me away. I am finally realizing that I am only human, it is not a failure on my part for falling into that pit, it is normal to become down when life’s situations are not rosy. 

Those of us who believe in good versus evil will say it is a test, a lure of the devil.

No matter what, I refuse to live in that dwelling of despair and hopelessness . . . it is a sad way to live life. Despite life throwing one thing after another at me, I have faith and peace dwells in my heart once more . . . the only thing that is different is my attitude, my life circumstances are exactly the same.

I choose to live in peace and happiness . . . it is much better for the quality of my life.

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Don't look back in anger

Anger could be defined as an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. The degree of that intensity depends on our ability to control the anger. We can take those intense emotions and use them in a positive or negative way, learn from it and use it as one of life’s lessons.

You may ask how could you possibly use an irritating rage positively? At this time in my life after suffering one heartbreak after another, you would think that my anger would have the best of me, but it doesn’t. I will agree I am angry at first, but I am learning how to control my anger and keep moving. I’ll admit that I would be very happy if my life was settled, but it is not, so I need to get over it and anticipate my future with much excitement and anticipation . . . and make things happen for myself.

After experiencing the unexpected death of my young husband and subsequently, the death of my happy marriage, I’ve learned that no one dies for anyone. I thought I had “happy ever after” conquered in my life and that I’d never have to worry about that again. Wrong . . . my destiny was not written that way. No amount of rage or anger was going to change the outcome.

Life keeps going and the negative emotional effects of anger slows the process of moving on. Same for a broken heart . . . different circumstances, same anger that needs to be controlled . . . doesn’t matter who or what the anger is directed at, whether it be God or a person who hurt you.

I’ve felt different levels of anger throughout my lifetime and each time it has taught me something about life in general. This time is no different. Anger is anger, hurt is hurt . . . a lesson is a lesson . . . learn from it and move away from the anger as fast as you can. The hurt remains, but the anger can be controlled.

To my friends going through the rough time . . . “slip inside the eye of your mind” . . . pick yourself up, know that you are a beautiful person inside and out in your unique little ways that is going to make someone crazy good and it is going to happen so fast you are not gonna know what hit you.

In the meantime . . . don’t look back in anger . . . nothing is worth giving yourself bad feelings, taking precious moments of your life and being sad instead of being happy. You only hurt yourself! This is the important lesson I’ve learned about anger, rage and being able to control it better . . . and realizing that I can’t control destiny . . . que sera sera, what will be, will be anyway . . .

Lyrics

Don’t Look Back in Anger | Oasis

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don’t you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you’d once never been
All the things that you’ve seen
Will slowly fade away

So I’ll start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime’s in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain’t ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we’re walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don’t look back in anger I hear you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows if it’s night or day
Please don’t put your life in the hands
Of a Rock n Roll band
Who’ll throw it all away

So I’ll start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime’s in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain’t ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we’re walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don’t look back in anger I hear you say

Don’t look back in anger
Don’t look back in anger
Don’t look back in anger
At least not today

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