Our greatest glory

Life and death situations have always been the most difficult circumstance for me to deal with, although I have had to deal with those situations way too many times in my life.

The following post was written a short time after my mom had a heart attack.  Other than the time I found myself in the emergency room with my husband  before he died,  it was the scariest time of my life.

Even those of us who are plagued with depression, anxiety or phobias can find extraordinary faith, strength and courage in times of scary uncertainty.  It is a choice . . . at least that has been my experience.  The survival instinct kicks in for me . . . it is either that or completely fall apart.


I love this quote . . .


“A woman is like a tea bag:
 you cannot tell how strong she is
 until you put her in hot water.”  


Nancy Reagan

THIS POST WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED ON JULY 15, 2008 ON AN OLDER BLOG THAT IS NO LONGER PUBLIC

This is going to sound very strange, but today I am so grateful for the blue funky depression week that I just experienced. Not that feeling funky is considered failure, but I consider it falling down and having to pick myself back up.

The gratefulness comes from the fact that I can get back up. The reasons for being very depressed are so normal . . . life changing events do that to us, finding a loved one teetering on the edge of life and death is a scary thing.

The strength that I possessed in the midst of my mom's health crisis is something else I am so grateful for. One moment we were talking on the phone making plans to spend the day together and discussing what we were gonna do and the next thing I know. . . she's being whisked away to the ER and quickly rushed to surgery. She had a heart attack and I didn't have time to panic, although I spoke to God the whole time I was rushing to get a bag packed and make myself look presentable. I didn't panic . . . it was a definite test that I passed with flying colors. And I drove through a thunder and lightning rainstorm across town to get there.

Although I've had a week of pondering the rest of my life and accessed everything that happened last week other than the obvious life and death situation and generally came undone . . . I never lost my faith, even though I felt I was in the pit of hell. Knowing that I would come out of it . . . knowing that I had to in order to survive. Faith is a beautiful thing . . . I know even more today after walking through another fire that everything is gonna be just fine . . . maybe better than ever. There is always hope that tomorrow will bring the day that makes me deliriously happy again as long as I am blessed with another day of life.

It was finally time to get out in the fresh air today and I got caught in a rain storm which was just what I needed. The feeling of running around in the rain as a child came rushing back to me and I found myself smiling as I walked to my van. Once again I did not panic . . . usually I do . . . deathly afraid of Florida lightning that kills people routinely in my part of the world, but it was just rain, but I didn't know it. I just headed out because I had to. Confronting my fears is definite progress . . . I didn't run away.

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The little things in life

It was one of those bad life phases where I found myself in and out of depression . . . a streak of bad luck made it difficult to be optimistic about anything, but I always had the faith that if I took one day at a time, being grateful for finding joy in little things that mean a lot, everything would be fine.
Today I'm looking back and realizing that those simple joys in life kept me going from one day to the next . . . and they were big things to me.
A big thing for me is happy music, especially when I'm down.
There are times in life when something to smile about is a big deal.

This post was originally published

July 2008 on one of my older

 blogs that is no longer online

Today I am feeling overwhelming gratefulness for little things in the form of stuff you buy at the grocery store. I know . . . I'm gonna have to explain this one :)

I finally got out yesterday to do my grocery shopping. It had gotten to the point of bare pantry shelves and refrigerator.  When I got down to my last two eggs, I knew it was time to get out of this house out of necessity.

When the waves of depression hit me last week, the usual comfort of food wasn't there . . . I didn't even want to eat. The only thing I really missed was Pepsi . . . I'm totally addicted to Pepsi. It was one of those times where I was hungry for something, but I had no idea what it was and didn't have the energy or desire to try to figure it out. Therefore, no incentive to get out of this house.

Don't laugh, but I did satisfy my craving for Pepsi over the weekend . . . I ordered Pizza Hut delivery just to have a Pepsi delivered to me . . . hmmmmm $20.00 for a pizza I really didn't want and my beloved Pepsi :) In retrospect, I should have ordered the chocolate dunkers instead of the pizza!

When I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought of was Pepsi. I could not get to the kitchen fast enough to get my first fix of the day . . . and for some reason, it tasted better than a Pepsi has ever tasted for me.

As I enjoyed my first drink of the day, it brought a smile to my face to realize that I am so grateful that I went to the store yesterday for one of those little things in life . . . or maybe a not so little thing depending on how you look at it . . . enjoying a Pepsi is one of those big things in my life.

So was the apple turnover I had this morning and the chocolate caramel pecan ice cream I had last night . . . my appetite is back and all the goodies I brought home from the grocery store are calling me this morning.  Thank God I'm no longer depressed . . . something else to be most grateful for :)

Get off your diet and eat or drink something that you are not supposed to . . . it will put a smile on your face . . . have a beautiful day enjoying all the little things that you love :)  Sometimes you just need to indulge yourself!

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The Optimistic Creed

To be so strong that nothing can

 disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness and

 prosperity to everyone you meet.

To make all your friends feel there

 is something special in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything

 and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for

 the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the

success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press

 on the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times

 and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement

 of yourself that you have no time to criticise others.

To be too large for worry,

Too noble for anger,

Too strong for fear,

And too happy to permit

 the presence of trouble.

~Author unknown~

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Happy 4th of July

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Putting perfectionism into perspective

Through the years, I've been able to shed some of the stereotypical traits of a perfectionist, but it has been a long journey that took me through bouts of depression.

What I am about to say is going to come off sounding awful, but it is honest.  I could care less what others think of me.  My perfectionist tendencies prove something to myself, not others.

That root cause stems from my rebellious young adult years trying to prove my dad wrong.  I’ve written about this before.  He demanded perfection and every time I’d get close to what I perceived as his “perfection,” he would raise the bar.

In the beginning it was about my dad’s approval and acceptance, but once I realized it just wasn’t ever going to happen, my rebellious side just wanted to prove him wrong.  It was validation to myself that I wasn’t the piece of crap he made me out to be.

Perfectionism is a perceived state of mind.  First of all, no one is perfect.  Who is to say what perfection is?  One person’s perfection is another’s failure.  It is dependent on who is judging the “perfection” . . . and who makes them the judge?

Learn the difference between perfectionism and striving to do your best. 

I don’t know if this is going to make sense to anyone but me, but being a creative and rebellious person keeps me from being a straight up perfectionist.  A perfectionist would not attempt to create for fear that their creation would totally suck.  The creative person absolutely has to create since they must see their vision in reality.

Many years ago I realized that I was still trying to gain my dad’s approval . . . and he had passed away years before the realization.  It was the one breakthrough that has helped me slowly make improvements to a healthier state of mind.  I never was a perfectionist to begin with . . . I just thought I was.  That state of mind tormented me which lead to severe depression.

These days I strive to do my best . . . it is all I can do.  The most important thing to remember is to put perfectionism into perspective!

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Living in harmony

"Peace comes not from the absence of conflict,
but from the ability to cope with it."

Unknown Source

"Peace is not won by those who fiercely guard their
 differences, but by those who with open minds
 and hearts seek out connections."
Katherine Paterson 

 "Harmony makes small things grow,
 lack of it makes great things decay."

Sallust

Our human nature tends to gravitate towards controlling, 

managing and changing others.  

We are usually met with negative results since it is also

 human nature for people not to change unless they want to

 . . . some personality types will rebel against the change

even if they want to.

The reality is that a person cannot

 change anyone but themselves.  

Be the change . . . 
and the world around you will also change.

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The Bad Date . . . a nightmare from the past!

This was my first attempt at entering a writing contest back in September of 2007 . . . and it was voted first place . . . back in the days of Yahoo 360 blogs.  

It is unfortunately a true story . . . one of my first adventures with online dating after becoming a widow . . . I would say this story took place in 2005.

It was time to move on . . . after all, it had been over two years since my husband passed away. Since I was already online 24/7 as a full time eBay seller and a certifiable computer geek, my friends encouraged me to try computer dating.

Huh? How do you "date" on the computer? lol 
 Then the thought occurred to me that I make my living online, do my banking online, pay my bills online, order pizza for delivery online, learned out how to fix my toilet online . . . hmmmm why not make a love connection online? 
John and I made our connection through an "online dating service" and then corresponded through chat and phone. Since I'm so picky and don't want to waste my time on someone I know I would not like, I asked a lot of questions, wanted to see lots of photos and am very up front about what I am looking for. In turn, I do the same and accentuate my flaws as I don't want to disappoint anyone or waste their time either. 
After corresponding for roughly three months, we decided to meet . . . I know it was a long time, but I wanted to be sure and I was scared to death to jump into the dating scene. Keep in mind I was married 22 years and had not been on a "date" in a very very long time . . . thrown out in the jungle to fend for myself and find a new love to share my life with. 
John seemed to be everything I was looking for in a new love . . . he wasn't into playing games, was ready to settle down, no children, no nagging ex-wife, didn't hate women . . . NO BAGGAGE . . . from his photos, I was very attracted to him, he had an awesome personality that blended well with mine . . . we could talk for hours on the phone and time would just fly by, we liked doing the same things . . . . awwww seemed like a match made in heaven . . . 
The meeting place was a coffee shop at the mall. So far everything is cool and awesome, I was so anticipating meeting the man of my dreams . . . John seemed to fit all the criteria. As I walked into the coffee shop, I took a quick glance around and thought to myself that I must be early . . . no John . . . another thought, he changed his mind about me and I've been stood up. 
 I walk all around the place and as I was deciding where to sit and order a cup of coffee, I hear a familiar voice calling my name. When I turned around I could not believe my eyes. 
 This was not the man I had been corresponding with . . . well . . . it was, but he was using photos that were at least 20 years old. The beautiful hair was barely there and the sparkling blue eyes were lined with crows feet that were not apparent in the photos. 
 hmmmmm my italian blood started boiling immediately . . . I was deceived and all of a sudden I felt like the most stupid and gullible woman in the world. I wanted to run . . . very fast. 
He led me to his table and I ordered a cup of coffee, trying to be polite to this man that otherwise had become a friend, but definitely NOT a love connection . . . even if age was not a factor . . . HE LIED TO ME. 
 Yeah, he saw the disappointment on my face, I wear my emotions on my face, always have, even though I was trying to be polite and not hurt his feelings. But damn it . . . didn't he deserve for his feelings to be hurt? He wasted three months of my life, making me think he was someone he is not, deceiving me. 
 He finally asked me if I was disappointed . . . in my sarcastic witty way, I answered his question with questions, "Didn't you think I would be? Didn't you hear a word that I said about myself and what I expect out of a relationship? FIRST THING IS HONESTY . . ." 
When he said "I thought that if we spent enough time without you seeing me that you would fall in love with me, the person that I am before meeting me." hmmmmm it occurred to me that he was calling me a shallow person, but hey, I know what I want and I'm honest about it. Needless to say, with that statement, I had enough . . . the man was actually just as gorgeous as those photos, it was him, only 20 years older. 
 Maybe I would have given him a chance since we did hit it off, but the lie disappointed me so badly that I had a difficult time making eye contact with him and could not remain friends with him. 
Rule #1 . . . if you plan on meeting someone online, don't lie if you don't want to see the look of disappointment when you meet the person who is anticipating someone else entirely. 
Rule #2 . . . insist on seeing someone on webcam . . . at least that was one lesson learned . . . Three years later and more than a few disappointing experiences . . . I'm embracing my solitude . . . and enjoying it more every day.

Jumping back to present day . . . I have found that person I was searching for.  It took many years, but good things come to those who wait.  Not everyone you meet online is a bad person . . . I met the most wonderful person in the whole world on Twitter.  It is not all bad . . . you just have to be careful when dealing with people online.
This story is one of the many nightmares I experienced in those days following becoming a widow, but in the end, I am so grateful I never gave up on trust and faith.

EXCERPTS OF COMMENTS FROM THE ORIGINAL BLOG POST ON YAHOO 360

 

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