The Lunacy of Grief Stages

 

The changes can be horrific from one day to the next, leaving the feeling of being on a roller coaster.  They can also make you feel like you are actually losing your mind while knowing you are sane.

What really makes me feel crazy is the shift from surviving the grief to overwhelming sadness that rips you apart.  Nobody said it is an easy process.  The process itself can go back and forth, repeating itself over and over again.  It ends up breaking my heart over and over again.

For me it is still so fresh, only 8 months of the torture and a couple more months if you count the hospital time.  But I believe the greatest progress is making it through the first phase of acceptance.  You don't have to like it, but the loss must be accepted in order to get past it and start healing.  I've finally reached acceptance and feel the process of healing, no matter how much it fluctuates.

Regardless of the phase, the reality is memories are all that is left.  And I cherish them.

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Promise to believe in yourself

 

"If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done."

Vince Lombardi

"People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success.

Norman Vincent Peale

If you have self-confidence and believe in yourself, the sky is the limit. You can achieve what you want to achieve.

Having courage is important since we can not get bogged down in the what ifs and fear of failure. That mentality is self defeating and in itself can lead to failure just because of the attitude.

Why is determination important? It will prevent you from giving up before you achieve your goal.

If you believe what you are trying to achieve is worth failure, you must promise yourself to go for it and make a sacrifice.

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Make Change and Disappointment Work For You

Change is always happening, so make sure it works for you.

Disappointment is no welcome change.  It is defined as sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hope or expectations.  

Life changes can't be avoided and they do not always bring joy.  However, see it as an opportunity for growth.  Don't resist the unfortunate circumstance, learn from it and move on.  

Dwelling on the disappointment won't make it go away, it just prolongs the healing from the hurt it caused.  Never forget that how we respond is totally under our control.

I recently wrote another post on change and how we should celebrate it, good or bad.  Be flexible, practice gratitude and unpleasant changes will not interfere with good mental health.

I'm still experiencing grief and have long acknowledged that it will have lasting implications in my life.  Changes in my life circumstances will also change those lasting implications positively if I let them and that is what I choose to do.

Learn from your life changes and disappointment!

Disappointments can be a positive thing.

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Celebrating with gratitude

 

Make a habit out of celebrating the small moments in healing, gratitude, and growth.

Alex Elle

Anytime a change occurs, even if it is a painful change that hurts, the change should be celebrated as growth with much gratitude.  Emotions heal and ultimately, the change was for the best.

Unwelcome painful change happens for a good reason and we should celebrate it as a powerful growth incident.

Not everything our heart desires is the thing that is meant to be and may be quite the opposite.  As a blessing/curse situation.

As a Christian, I believe everything happens for a reason.  Even the bad situation happens to teach us a lesson or make a point we have needed to pay attention to.  

Either way, celebrate and thank God, because it is all good.

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Trust and Truth

 

Truth never damages a cause that is just.

Mahatma Gandhi

How can you trust without honest and open dialogue about concerns?

It is a delicate balance.  But for me, it is impossible.

As masters of our own destinies, the choices we make should be on a solid foundation.  When there is doubt and the little voice in your head sends warning signals, the doubt must be addressed.  Otherwise, everything from that point on is sitting on shaky ground and those concerns and doubts will live on forever.

When an opportunity presents itself, we must decide whether to be true to ourselves and open our eyes to discover a blessing or a curse.

Better to be safe than sorry.

All this has brought one of my favorite songs to mind - Detective|No Doubt.  The lyrics are like that little voice in my head . . . intuition is a good thing!

Detective|No Doubt

Lyrics

Peek in, sneak about
Peek in, sneak about
Peek in, sneak about
Your broken hearted detective

Hey girl, save the liar
Can't you see his pants on fire?
Hey girl, save the liar
Can't you see his pants on fire?

My back it hurts again
It aches like history
Cottonmouth and all lit up
You're smiling back at me
But I feel you must have failed me
Once again, you've let me down
My confidence below my knees now
I need to find you out

Peek in, sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out
I caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken hearted detective
(Hey, hey, hey)

Hey lover, why the gun?
Hold on, I'm almost there
It's too late, you killed the trust
Don't act so unaware
So why are you so destructive?
Do you realize what you've done?
You can't bring it back to life now
What are you running from?

Peek in, sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out
I caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken hearted detective

I don't like the way I feel
I just want you to be real

Hey girl, save the liar
Can't you see his pants on fire?
Hey girl, save the liar
Can't you see his pants on fire?
I'm rummaging through your closet
Imagining all the worst thoughts

Peek in, sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out
I caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken hearted detective
Peek in, sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out
I caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken hearted detective
Peek in
Peek in
Peek in
Peek in
Peek in, sneak about
I'm gonna snoop and call you out
I caught you, your hands are red
Now I'm your broken hearted detective

Writer(s): Gwen Stefani, Thomas Dumont, Tony Kanal

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The fear of "what if"

The fear of "what might happen" is a very strong deterrent for us and has the ability to stop us in our tracks, no matter how much we want something or know that we should move forward. Each of us has heard messages at some point in our childhood that can make us fear what "might happen" and they stay with us and serve as painful reminders of past pain, our shortcomings, our disappointments and our failures. Unless we address and disprove them, these messages stay with us and we unconsciously choose people, situations and even lifestyles that make them true.

(Jennifer Hoffman)

 

 I'll admit that the "what if" mentality plagues me.  I often wonder why, but I have few answers.

The main theory I have come up with, as in the quote, is simply relying on past experience.

In my younger adult days, I did not experience failure, therefore, there was no hesitation when it came to the pursuit of dreams.  

Failure and disappointments came later in life and it could be that is when the fears were born.

How we think and perceive those thoughts can be very powerful.

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Hope

Every night we go to bed,

without any assurance of being alive the next morning

but still we set the alarms to wake up.

That's HOPE

It is also faith.  As a person who has a broken spirit, I know that without hope and faith, the possibility of becoming whole again is bleek.  I have lived it.

I have also become whole again after brokenness, never losing faith that everything was going to be OK again.

It is human nature to succumb to disappointing life changes.  You can't beat yourself up over it.  Attitude determines the degree of healing and how long it takes to get there.

At this place in time, grief has once again gotten a grip on me, but I know I will get through it.  There is no grief without love and love is worth the effort to fulfillment in life.

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