Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A new years resolution

~ Back in the Saddle | Aerosmith ~

I’m alive again with the imaginary “new beginning” that a new year brings, along with a new challenge, standing on my own two feet, no longer complacent with money in the bank to keep me a hermit . . . no longer JR’s wife living in the past as if waiting to hear the sound of his keys unlocking the door, coming home from a day at work. One of my New Year resolutions . . . put the past behind me and I made a big step toward that at the first of the year.

Time to truly live again.

Although I am still wearing the gold chain he wore, his wedding ring has joined my wedding rings in a safe place and no longer on the gold chain. I’ll never forget him and the beautiful life we shared, but he is gone and it is finally time to move on. I’m grateful every day that his presence in my life gives me hope that there are still good guys in this world and they are supposed to be difficult to find because they are like treasures.

It was one of the most emotional decisions I have made in a very long time. I thought about it as new year resolutions were on my mind, as usual in December. The difficulty was breaking a promise to JR . . . to wear the gold chain with his wedding ring around my neck until my new soulmate would take it off. At the time I told him to not even talk of such things, but he had to take off his jewelry as he settled in at the hospital emergency room which led us into that conversation.
He passed away the following morning.

In six years, I took it off once to take xrays and that was after begging them to not make me take it off. It was an obsession and I was haunted by the fact that I briefly took it off, feeling that I would be punished for breaking the promise. Tears filled my eyes as I took off the chain.

What I didn’t realize is that the promise has haunted me . . . a reminder that I remain alone in life without a partner, waiting to fulfill the ceremonial changing of my love loyalty. It has tormented me as I have replayed that time in the emergency room when the thought of another man was the furthest thing from my mind.

He’s gone . . . never coming back . . . the emotional tie became so psychological as time has passed . . . I would catch myself playing with it, putting it on my finger . . . a nervous habit which excelerated when I quit smoking . . . too much of a symbolic tie to him. I was holding on as if my life depended on it . . . subconsciously waiting for him to come back. I had to finally let go and take it off as the new year began, fulfilling one of my new year resolutions. Now I feel completely free and at peace to move on with my life.

Perhaps I will never move on, finding love again and living happily ever after with a new soulmate, rather finding fulfillment in work, hobbies and just enjoying what life has to offer. My faith in God’s destiny for me has to do with finding peace, love and happiness with my life . . . not necessarily another soulmate.


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