Monday, February 2, 2009

Escape from Paradise

~ Another Rainy Day in New York City | Chicago ~

A look back at two different times in recent past where I was transitioning from being a "hermit" to a somewhat "normal" person who was contemplating an escape from Paradise into the real world.  This post was written shortly before returning to the world of a "real job."

Originally posted on April 8, 2008

My goal for 2008 was to turn my life around and find happiness and contentment . . . a purpose. Today the thought occurred to me that while God is throwing signs at me from all directions, I only see the ones that I want to see, not the ones that he intends for me to see. The signs were all there and I even mentioned it in the following post from last year . . . I was being pushed out the door. I needed to ESCAPE FROM PARADISE.

Changes in my lifestyle had to be made since my life circumstances had changed and I had to change with them no matter how much I did not want to. Don't we all hate change? Don't we all have to do things that we don't want to do sometimes in life? I was holding on to a variation of the past that no longer was. God wanted me back out in the real world interacting with real people or else my online business would have continued to thrive as it once did. And I would still drift through time with no schedule, no sleep pattern and no purpose.

I've discovered I have a voice again. For someone functioning "normally" in this world of interacting with people, it is going to sound strange . . . but I would go through periods of total silence not speaking to anyone . . . I spoke through my keyboard, writing in my blogs since I isolated myself from people and became a hermit-like creature living in a cave, never to be seen or heard from in the real world. 

 I remember hearing the story of a man who had died watching television and was not found until a long period of time after he had passed away . . . it scared me that my life would end up like that if I continued in my hermit ways.

Just as 2008 was the year for me to turn my life around, 2007 was the year of realization and discovery for me as I made incremental changes throughout the year, preparing myself for the big change that was to come, not knowing what "it" was.

As I transfer my entries to Blogger, it is another realization to see how far I have progressed in changing my life and knowing that the direction I have taken is the right one for me at this time in my life. It is all so clear to me now, especially after reading the following entry from last year.

Originally posted on January 29, 2007

On occasion I have to do those pesky little things like go to the grocery store and actually leave my house and pry myself away from the computer. And I hate every minute of it!

As I got out in the real world of nice people who turn into demons behind the wheel of a car in traffic and little old ladies who go to the grocery store to socialize and take up the whole aisle, creating a back up for those of us who just want to go in, get what we want and leave, I realized that I actually enjoy and LOVE the solitude of my little world that I call Paradise.

After having a very long, soul searching discussion with my mom, who spent most of the day with me, it was so clear to me. Being home is what makes Gina happy, truly happy . . . making money at home and doing what I want, when I want without depending on anyone for anything. It gave me a new-found determination to make my online business work, even though I have no idea how I will pull that off since it has been dying a torturous death since eBay really started messing with seller fees and making it impossible for anyone to make a profit except for eBay. 

On the other hand, being the type of person I am that sees everything as a "sign", I have seen it as God pushing me out the door to a "real" job so I can get a social life as well as make money. 

The analysis of these signs and
my wants are having a struggle!

In the scope of my world and the things that are tormenting me at the moment, two things loom prominently . . . 1) no one to love and spoil . . . 2) finding a way to make a comfortable living online again . . . otherwise, my life is perfect. Really it is . . . and I live a very simple life where money does not rule my world, so it takes very little for me to be peaceful and content with my life.

The issue of "how am I going to survive" has been the major problem this past year as the online retail market has made drastic changes . . . not for the better. Since my husband died, I made a very comfortable living on eBay selling new and vintage costume jewelry and all of a sudden . . . crash . . . boom! 

Thank God I have many talents and probably would not have a problem finding employment, but I would not be true to myself. I go back and forth on this issue and really hate to make a commitment to a real job feeling this way. My heart has to be in it . . . just like anything in my life. I'm passionate about everything I do . . . nothing is done half way. So . . . committing to a job after being self-employed for over a decade . . . well, not sure if I can handle it to be perfectly honest.

This is another time of rambling and thinking out loud . . . my blog is also the journal my expensive shrink taught me how to keep a long time ago . . . letting everything out, analyze all angles . . . and maybe helping someone else going through the struggle of life changes in the process. It also gives my future soulmate a look into what goes on in my head and will know what he is getting yourself into with me . . . lol. I have nothing to hide! This is the real me with no pretenses or phony baloney stuff. What you see is what you get!

My real life paradise before it became a jungle (a small part of my massive back yard) . . . this is a short term goal . . . tame the jungle a bit so I can regain the santuary aspect of my property . . . and I can do it if I don't have to punch a time clock . . .


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