~ Keep The Faith | Bon Jovi ~
Being home alone is driving me crazy although it is where I really want to be . . . a sign of how I am feeling . . . a contradiction of sorts and feeling so very helpless and scared.
My brother was rushed to the hospital with chest pains last night . . . my mom ran off with my sister-in-law to Tallahassee where he lives and works during the week. She recently had a heart attack . . . of course, I worry about her.
Although I’m a Christian with a positive attitude and a lot of faith, that faith has been tested over and over and over again in recent years . . . sometimes with no relief between life circumstances to get a firm grip before the next thing is thrown on me. I’m tired . . . burned out . . . or just slightly charred?
I’ve had the same revelation several times when too much was on my plate and I start to lose faith and hope . . . I’m burned out. As I read from my book, “Simple Abundance”, I came across the section called “Recognizing Burnout Before You’re Charred.”
You know, I think that I’m a little more than slightly charred . . . but on the other hand, I am always able to get up from what I call “falling down.” Seems like since the new millennium began, it has been long streak of bad luck and unfortunate situations that don’t want to stop. Every time I pray for gratitude, peace and contentment in my soul and go from one moment to the next telling myself, “this too shall pass.”
My “burnout” is seen as my ying/yang thing of peace, love and happiness being out of balance . . . “running on fumes rather than fuel.” It is burnout when nothing satisfies you because you haven’t a clue what’s wrong or how to fix it. Because everything is wrong. Nothing feels right and you don’t know why. Totally out of balance and everything is out of whack. It is not depression although it feels similar. I’m feeling so helpless.
In search of this balance, I spent the day easing up on myself, stopped beating myself up long enough to be grateful for what I have been blessed with and spent a great deal of time in prayer and contemplation, silence, waiting for that still small voice to speak to me, giving me direction. My burnout is feeling like years of nothingness and living with no purpose . . . like a restless wave that has suddenly swept over me.
I know it is current life circumstances . . . my perspective is blurred, making everything seem inside out, upside down . . . frantic to find that place of peace where I can hide and feel safe.
Life history has shown me that “this too shall pass” . . . but when one is in the midst of the storm, you feel as though the tide is gonna pull you out to sea . . . it is that helpless feeling.