Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Life Changes

We’re always moving into new experiences, new possibilities. This constant change unsettles the personality, which finds security in stability. But with life always in flux, that security is an illusion. We experience pain by trying to hold on to things that are not solid.

Life becomes joyful when we can open to the constant flow and ride freely with it. This requires us to let go of the need to control. We need to learn to trust.

"Can it then be that what we call the ‘self’ is fluid and elastic? It evolves, strikes a different balance with every new breath."

-- Wayne Muller

It doesn't matter where you are in life, changes of all kinds are continuously evolving. There are times when you have to go back to a place a time to really appreciate present life challenges and realize that things aren't as bad as they seem.

The following post written over a year ago found me at my lowest point ever, struggling in every area of my life, standing at the crossroads of life, not knowing where I was going or which path to take . . . all I knew is that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, realizing life would be wonderful again.

It has been a challenging time for me professionally even though I am working at the place that is perfect for me at this time of my life. Nothing is perfect in life all the time . . . no matter what, there will be struggles and challenges to face.

Isn't that the nature of the beast?

The thing to do is know when it is time to recharge the batteries, be grateful for life lessons, look back at other times challenges were faced and know that they were conquered by taking life one step at a time.

Today I am charging my batteries, not feeling well and decided to take the day off to heal. After reading the following post, my batteries have been recharged and I'm ready to face my present day challenges knowing that I can do anything I set my mind to do.

Life is beautiful and I am very grateful for all the gifts that God has blessed me with since my life has drastically changed since the day I wrote the following post.

This post was originally written

Today has found me feeling that unsettled emotion that scares me so badly.

eBay suspended me because of low seller ratings from buyers for two things that they agreed to when they bought items from me . . . high shipping and handling fees and long shipping times . . . both are no secret . . . I'm an honest seller! I clearly disclose those facts. Now my eBay account is locked up until my "seller ratings improve" . . . I can't even edit anything in my store or stop an item from relisting since I have automatic relisting until the item sells on everything.

Through the years eBay has made it increasingly difficult to make money online . . . it was once an awesome way to make money . . . good money. I hate changes and feelings of insecurity.

eBay has been my only means of steady survival . . . something I could fall back on while I am on my job search. All this means is that I'm gonna have to jump at the first job that comes my way instead of finding something that is suited for me. I hate looking for a job while I have a job . . . to me, that is not being loyal. Hopefully I will get some short term work to hold me over until I find what I really want.

Damn eBay . . . I hate them! But . . . haven't I been holding on to something that has not been solid for a while?  I had no idea the economy was gonna go through so many swift changes . . . nobody did!

As the dominoes fall all around the world, I'm not the only one holding on to shaky ground. It seems like the "world society" is bracing for the wildest financial ride of our lives. Very scary . . .

I've done all I can do from my computer as far as the job search goes. Several agencies have contacted me for interviews . . . so . . . I will probably be heading out for my mom's house tomorrow since everything is on her side of town.

Now that I think she understands to stop nagging me because it makes me very depressed to have so much negative energy coming my way, we can have another pleasant visit and I can be on the right side of town where all the awesome jobs are. I don't know what's happened to my part of town lately . . . even the big stores moved out.

I'll spend the balance of the evening packing up my stuff and prepare for another adventure. The ironic part of writing about changes tonight is how I am changing. It seems as though the changes are coming faster, I'm adapting to picking up and leaving the house for days and weeks at a time. There was a time getting in the car to drive to the grocery store was a major problem and someone had to go with me when I did leave.

On some days, finding those little things to be grateful for are difficult to find. It would seem that finding those things today could possibly be impossible, but they are not.

One thing about going through rough times and feeling like you have hit bottom . . . when you pick yourself up and see how far you've come, there is not much in the world that you can be more grateful for . . . other than healthy life itself.

Tonight I am looking back at those times when JR first died . . . I had times of not getting in a vehicle and going anywhere for months . . . years at a time. There was no reason for me to leave . . . JR did all the running around and he was so happy to have me home waiting on him. When he died, I was dysfunctional in so many ways and had to overcome many battles. Tonight I am grateful for those battles.

As I face an ever-increasing financial crisis, I am a stronger person who can almost laugh in the face of fear and struggles . . . I've been at the very bottom and I know I will never be there again. It is just a matter of going through the motions, doing what I've gotta do, keep making those incremental changes in my life.

The first step is finding that job that will make me financially secure, content with my life and find that job satisfaction that totally fulfilled me in the past. OK, so I'll be happy just making enough money to get me by until I find that perfect job for me.

And I do see the light at the end of the tunnel :-)

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Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentines Day

"A bell is no bell 'til you ring it,

A song is no song 'til you sing it,

And love in your heart

Wasn't put there to stay -

Love isn't love

'Til you give it away."

(Oscar Hammerstein)

We are home

By Mastin Kipp

Oh sweet lover

I have faced the fears of my darkest nights

To be with you

Oh sweet muse

I have banished the fear of your reflection

So that I may gaze deeply into you

And not look away

I know now that our sweet embrace

Is a gift we give each other

To remember who we are

Separate - but always together

And that all the while

We had walked different paths

But we always had each other in our hearts

And that we were never alone

But preparing to be together again

My whole life has been a preparation for this moment

Where our lips have met again

For the first time

And we both know that

We are home

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Monday, February 1, 2010

Love . . .

"Love is a promise,

love is a souvenir,

once given never forgotten,

never let it disappear."

- John Lennon, the man, the myth, the Beatle

~ Real Love (Acoustic) | John Lennon ~

Real Love | John Lennon

All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you
Just like little girls and boys
Playing with their little toys
Seems like all they really were doing
Was waiting for you
Don't need to be alone
No need to be alone
It's real love
It's real, yes it's real love
It's real
From this moment on I know
Exactly where my life will go
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for love
Don't need to be afraid
No need to be afraid
It's real love
It's real, yes it's real love
It's real
Thought I'd been in love before,
But in my heart I wanted more
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you
Don't need to be alone
No need to be alone
It's real love
Yes it's real, yes it's real love
It's real, yes it's real love...

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