Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The changing ocean tides

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love

Can the child within my heart rise above

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life

lyrics from
Landslide (Barkan Ottaviano Remix) - Fleetwood Mac

Lately I've been on a quest to consolidate all of my personal journals and blogs into this one blog.  It is interesting (to say the least) to go back and see how the mirror in the sky has reflected the changes in my life since I became a widow.  From that day up to present day, happily married to The Captain, life has taken me on quite a journey.

In the past day or so, I've been pouring over my journals at the five year mark of widowhood . . . late 2007/early 2008.  The frustration with myself was intense and changed frequently.  I perceive this phase as my time of awakening.  The anxiety of it all was confusing to the point of feeling like I was about to lose my mind.  The irony is it may have been one of the sanest times of my life.

2008 was the year I finally got a real job after being a retailer for over a decade.  My online stores went from being extremely prosperous to costing me money almost overnight when the economy tanked.  

For the first time since I moved away from my parents' home, I had to worry about money and survival.  Getting a real job meant failure to me since I had finally escaped it after working in the corporate world for so long.  I was no longer my own boss . . . I had lost the freedom that was so precious to me.

The two posts that follow span a few months and opposite perceptions of life, accentuating the confusing times I went through in this phase, knowing I had to make drastic changes that were freaking me out.

I do not consider myself "normal" yet, but I have moved on with my life into a new phase, no longer confused.  I've already been there and done that.  The changes yet to be made includes a partner to help me through the changing tides that guide us into yet another phase of life.

Originally posted on January 5, 2008

The strange thing about life changes is our attitude and perception of them which in turn affects how we handle them and what our reactions are during different phases of life changes.

The following entry was written a few months ago, but my way of thinking has changed in just that short time. Now I see my future as an adventure and don't hate my life as it is. What is so exciting about what I see now is that my possibilities are endless, rather than hopeless.

The sky is the limit . . . my life can be whatever I want it to be.
What an exciting thought to begin the new year with.

Originally posted on September 28, 2007

The beautiful voice of Stevie Nicks . . . one of my favorite female singers . . . a timeless beauty and an inspiration that we can age gracefully. This has also been one of my favorite songs and I adore this remix version. For some reason, I've wanted to hear it over and over again this morning

Maybe it is the featured lyrics that haunt me and have got me to thinking. Changes are a part of life . . . I've never liked changes. I'm the type of person who likes to put my roots down and incrementally perfect my reality, but not drastically change it.

Having said that, I have gone through so many changes in my life and made it through all of them. In retrospect, it seems to me like all the changes in my life have been good ones. I've learned from all of them and I've handled the seasons of my life quite nicely . . . and yes, times have made me bolder and stronger. But JR was by my side when I made those changes, I wasn't alone. It doesn't feel that way at the time though, I'm alone and all of a sudden making changes is scary. Even the little ones.

The recent changes have been many . . . five years has seemed like a lifetime that stood still, but they haven't. When I see my reflection, I don't like what I see and I need to make drastic changes. For the first time in my life, I have so much confusion. I don't like the reflection of an indecisive woman, I'm a decisive person by nature. Is it depression or whatever label "it" is given . . . that strange feeling?

I'm normally one of those people who knows what they want . . . and I'm very detail oriented . . . my dreams have always been in details. But JR's death was such a shock to my system, it knocked me down so hard and even though I've gotten up and fallen down several times already, I'm still feeling strong, but so confused. I still don't know what I want out of life. My life was set, everything was determined in details . . . it included my partner. I was so happy, I never wanted anything to change, our lives were as perfect as life can get.

I keep climbing that mountain and turn around . . . I took my love, took it down . . . God forgive me, but I'm hating my life this morning. I feel so out of control while feeling strong and bold . . . honestly I don't know what I want and it is hard to move forward in this state. The constant theme of my writings have been that I am one of life's contradictions . . . all things at once and they are all having a battle to win.

Will the landslide bring me down before I can
 sail through the changing ocean tides? 

Time will tell . . .


Visit our Etsy shop

Some of my web spaces

click to go to my personal website

My food blog MY NEW BLOG!!


1960's 1970's abuse abusive behavior acceptance accomplishment accomplishments acquaintances addiction adoration adversity affair affection afraid agoraphobia ambitions anger anticipation anxiety appreciation aspirations attitude attraction authenticity awareness bad behavior bad days bad times balance balance of life beginning behavior being alone Betsy blahs blessings bliss boredom buddy burnout Buster challenges chances change changes cheating cheech and chong chemistry choices christmas cigarettes comfort zone communication compassion confidence conflict confrontation confusion consequences consideration contemplation contentment control controversy coping Corinthians13 courage creativity crossroads cupid dating death deceit deception decision making defense mode denial depression desire desires destiny determination diet difficulties direction disagreements disappointment discipline dogs doubt drama queen dreams eBay economy ego emotional abuse emotional baggage emotional commitment emotional state emotions employment empowerment encouragement endurance escape expectations facing problems failure failures faith family fantasy fate Fear fears feelings flower children focus forbidden love forgiveness free love free will freedom friends friendship frustration fulfillment future glass half full/half empty goals God good times grateful gratitude grief growth guidance guilt habits happiness happy hard headed harmony hate healing health helpless hippie culture hippies holidays home honesty hope hopeless hopes hugs humiliation hurt identity imagination impatience improvement inner strength inner struggle innovation insecurity inspiration intimacy intuition irritation job job satisfaction John Lennon joy jr Kiki kindness laughter lessons lies life life balance life challenges life change life changes life circumstances life experiences life lessons life partner life retrospect life situations life struggles lifestyle loneliness long distance relationship loss of a pet loss of control lost love lovers lust managing anxiety Mark Nepo marriage medication mental health Mimi miracles mistakes moderation moments money motivation moving on natural disasters needs negative thoughts negativity new year Nolan normal nurturing obstacles office politics online dating online love online romance opinions opportunity optimism options overwhelm pace pain paranoia passion past path patience peace peace of mind perception perfection persistence personal growth personal power perspective Petey pets physical abuse pity party planning plans pleasure positive attitude positive thinking positivity possibilities prayer pride priorities problems procrastination progress prosperity purpose quality of life quit smoking reaction reactions reality reasons regrets rejection relationship relationships relax relaxation resentment resolutions respect responsibility rest restlessness retirement retreat revenge risk risks romance romantic love routine run away running away sacrifice sadness sanctuary satisfaction scared searching self-acceptance self-awareness self-confidence self-control self-defeating behavior self-esteem self-help self-improvement self-loathing self-love self-pity self-talk self-worth serendipity serenity setting goals settle sex sexual revolution simple abundance smoking society solitude sorrow soul soulmates state of mind strength stress strong struggle struggles stubborn subconscious feelings success suffering suicide support suppressed emotions survival surviving grief temper terrorism The Wedding Singer thinking thoughts time time travel tolerance toxic love toxic people toxic relationship tragedy transitions trigger day trouble true calling trust truth uncertainty unconditional love understanding unemployment unhappiness unresolved feelings valentines day value victims vision vulnerability wants war weakness wedding anniversary widow wisdom wishes work work achievements workaholic worries worry