Life For Rent

Although I have realized that I have gone through tremendous positive changes in my life, during this time of contemplation, transferring old blog entries around and revisiting old thoughts, it occurs to me that many of my old revelations from the past couple of years could have been made today. Moving ahead, yet standing still.

This thought process marks a very important revelation about my romantic choices. I continue the same ones over and over again . . . actually the same two guys . . . I moved from one to another, same type of situation yet different. The underlying theme is the same . . . the unattainable.

Maybe it is the unconscious effort, the trait of a widow, to not move on since they were both long distance relationships?

I’m haunted by the empty feeling of the
“echo in a canyon”
but isn’t that what I have chosen for myself?

The answer is yes . . . for now

Another one of life’s revelations in a song . . . my interpretation is about attitude and the way we look at life . . . as it relates to my life. Aren’t we all afraid to fail? Although this is the first time in my life that I’ve been afraid to try . . . that is difficult to admit . . . sometimes it is easier to be alone.

Has there been a time when
 relationships scared you?

Have you ever lived 
“Life For Rent”?

Life for Rent | Dido
LYRICS

I haven’t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I’m not in love
But it’s not as if I mind
that your heart ain’t exactly breaking

It’s just a thought, only a thought
But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I’ve always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what’s happened to that dream
Cos there’s really nothing left here to stop me

It’s just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
Well how can I say I’m alive

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

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Don't Look Back

Don’t trip over your own two feet

looking back and running from the past,
just keep looking straight ahead,
walking through today and into tomorrow

Author unknown

When it comes to love, it seems that many of us want to hold on . . . whether it is good or bad. 

When I ran across this quote, it brought a question to mind.

Why do we hold on to past loves?

I’m the most guilty of doing this. In most recent times, I held on to two former loves who ventured back into my life like they were some kind of trophy. Finally, the thought that I am way too loyal for my own good is starting to sink in.

It seems to me that even if it was a bad relationship, the tendency is to hold on and make it work . . . I’ve done it all my life! Is it that fear of failure? Make the bad relationship good before moving on?

Maybe it is the comfort level of what is known . . . even if the known is not good. We form attachments and emotions for someone and it is difficult to break off the relationship bond, especially when there is a “relationship history” involved.

What about the “revenge thing?” I swear both of these guys came back into my life just to hurt me. Aren’t some of us guilty of that too? Attempt to hurt the one who hurt us at some point in our lives?

Hopefully I will learn to stop tripping over my feet! Can you relate to any of these relationship problems?

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Forbidden Love

“Just one look from your eyes was 
like a certain kind of torture”

lyrics from Forbidden Love by Madonna

Is forbidden love more exciting because
it is something you are not supposed to have?

Is it the human characteristic of wanting
what you can’t have that makes it exciting?

It was the beginning of my brother’s little league baseball season and I was barely a teenager. Sure, I had already noticed the boys at school . . . but this guy was different. WAY OLDER AND FORBIDDEN . . .

He was one of the coaches, his son played on the league and was probably the age of my parents. Be still my heart, I still think about that man . . . he was my first real attraction other than Paul McCartney who was my first love if you count rock stars.

No one knew about the huge crush I had on this man . . . except for my mom. She noticed it the first day of the season when I first met him . . . mom and I had “the talk”. LOL . . . we have talked about it recently and had a good laugh, but she tells me at the time, she was secretly freaking out about this.

My mom tells me every woman at the park had a secret crush on that man, he was GORGEOUS like a movie star with dark hair and eyes. The first real “Mr. Dreamy” of my life. I’ve often wondered why . . .

My theory has something to do with “forbidden love” . . . this was way forbidden and totally impossible . . . a larger than life fantasy built up in my mind . . . which brings me to the topic of fantasy vs forbidden love. Big difference in some cases . . . in my case, it was innocently both.

Fantasy in most cases is just that . . . something built up in the mind, while forbidden love is usually dangerous.

When I think of forbidden love, an affair with at least one party belonging to someone else is what comes to mind. However, as in the case of Romeo and Juliet, the most romantic story of forbidden love that I can think of at the moment, the problem was who they were, the family they were each born into. Forbidden love can also be a rich man/poor man thing that society imposes on someone like real life princes and princesses.

All this came from listening to music from Madonna . . . music is so amazing for me, it takes me all over the place, driving my thoughts to the weirdest places like a little league season as I discovered love and desire for the first time.

Hasn’t forbidden love tortured all

 of us at one time or another?

“Forbidden Love”
Madonna
Lyrics

Just one kiss on my lips
Was all it took to seal the future
Just one look from your eyes
Was like a certain kind of torture

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl

Just one touch from your hands
Was all it took to make me falter

Forbidden love
Are we supposed to be together
Forbidden love
Forbidden love
Forbidden love
We seal the destiny forever
Forbidden love
Forbidden love

Just one smile on your face
Was all it took to change my fortune
Just one word from your mouth
Was all I needed to be certain

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl
Hearts that intertwine
They lived in a different kind of world

Just one kiss
Just one touch
Just one look

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The Longest Journey

Sometime in your life you will go on a journey.

It will be the longest journey you have ever taken.

It is the journey to find yourself.

Katherine Sharp

The journey has been long and painful at times . . . on the other hand, it has been the most exciting adventure of my life.

Although there are times that I seem to have lost my way and don’t recognize who I am when I look in the mirror, I know myself much better than I have in all of my life.

My dreams were somewhat buried through the years underneath life experiences, failures, triumphs, contentment, good intentions, rejection, peace, happiness, love. As I peel back the layers of my life to find my authentic self and what she wants, I realize that some of those dreams in my days of youth don’t match my dreams of today.

The only major dream of my youth that I did not explore was to pursue that career as a singer/songwriter. Maybe it was not the right time. Perhaps the time to at least sell what I wrote so many years ago is now. The pursuit of the creation and performing is no longer with me, although I do aspire to write, the method has changed . . . the guitar and keyboard put away long ago. The new method is my computer keyboard.

There is still a song in my heart, a desire for something more, a different type of fulfillment than I have ever known . . . all I know is that the feeling is what I describe as peace, love and happiness.

Who knows, maybe a famous entertainer will want to sing my songs and the rush of happiness and fulfillment will be the words and music of one of my songs heard on the radio as I drive down the street one day. I’ve often wondered what that would feel like. All I know is that all the money in the world would never come close to that feeling.

On the journey of life, no one knows what lies beyond the path they are on . . . good or bad, it is the road to fate and destiny. Hopefully the destiny matches the dreams.

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Appreciation and value

Life can be like a financial transaction . . . 

when it appreciates, it grows in value.

One of the greatest gifts I’ve given myself is an attitude of gratitude. The attitude results in an appreciation for life as it is which is much more than accepting, but being thankful for good and bad circumstances when seen through the scope of the world in general.

When I start to feel sorry for myself when it comes to my life circumstances, before I can develop the self-pity routine that turns into depression, I remind myself that there are homeless people who have nothing. When I look at my life circumstances through the eyes of a homeless person, I am so grateful that I have been blessed with so much. All of a sudden, I am so grateful for what I do have . . . choices.

My life has grown in appreciation and value as I have learned to be more grateful.

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Free love and the flower children

Hippies, aka flower children, came to life in the mid-60’s . . . long hair for females and males alike . . . their lifestyle was one of not having a care in the world, it was all about “Peace, Love and Happiness” . . .

“Free Love” was a part of the hippie culture . . . meaning loving all people as sisters and brothers . . . but didn’t this culture usher in the sexual revolution?

When I think of hippies and flower children, Cheech and Chong come to mind . . . they depict hippies in the truest sense of the word and have been immortalized as such in a string of movies centered around the love of sex, love, pot/marijuana and of course, rock n roll from back in the day.

It was a time between the eras of “Leave It To Beaver” where mom and dad could not be depicted on television as sleeping in one bed . . . they always had twin beds . . . to present day era of “Sex and the City” where they stopped putting notches on the bedpost because they ran out of room. What we see on television has gone way past the extreme opposite to sometimes vulgar.

We’ve gone from a time in the 60’s where being a virgin was something to be proud of . . . to present day where it is something to be rid of like a disease.

Did the sexual revolution start on that street called Haight Street in San Francisco where they wore flowers in their hair?  

In my opinion, it started there and gathered moss . . . like a rolling stone . . . what do you think?

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An abundance of enthusiasm

What do you do with your worries, problems, fears . . . and an abundance of enthusiasm?

For the past two nights I have not been able to sleep because of worries, problems and fears crammed into my thoughts that don’t want to shut down, holding on to every little detail of every concern and project that I have going on that I am way too excited about. My poor brain is on overload!

Sleep problems run in cycles for me and I know the major problem is the lack of a routine and way too much enthusiasm . . . have I mentioned that I’ve always been a workaholic?

As time goes on I am learning to let things go that are out of my control, pray about it and release it, like putting it in a little box that sits high up on a shelf in my closet that I can’t see. However, if I have control over the thing . . . I will make myself crazy over it.

The other day I wrote an article on the race of life and how we need to slow down and enjoy life. However, it occurs to me that a person with workaholic tendencies can’t slow down because they are enjoying what they do a little too much . . . at least I do.

Still . . . I’m grateful for way too much enthusiasm . . . the alternative is giving up in a time that I can’t find a real job.

How do you find balance in your life? What works for you?

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Humorous absurdities

All those little humorous absurdities that give us a laugh are a very important ingredient in maintaining peace and happiness.

Not only is laughter an excellent stress reliever in times of high anxiety, it also helps to strengthen the immune system which is so vital to general good health and well being.

It isn’t merely being humorous, as in telling, listening and laughing at jokes . . . it is the ability to see the humor in little things that occur on a daily basis, even if those little things are frustrating and get on our nerves. Laugh about the absurdity of it and attempt to change your perspective of the thing, especially if it is a necessary part of your life . . . like someone at work who really gets on your nerves or a problem that keeps reoccurring.

Rather than get all worked up and stressed out over my present life circumstances, I’ve come up with the plan and now find the humor of it all. One of my favorite sayings is so appropriate for what I’ve been going through lately . . . “I’m up to my a$$ in alligators and they are snapping!”

I’ve done my share of crying and it is better to laugh . . . the outcome is the same and I truly believe that God has it under control. If you are having a rough time of life circumstances, maybe I have inspired you to laugh . . . there is a little humor in everything if you look for it.

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Sign of the times

“Our lives improve only when we take chances . . .
and the first and most difficult risk we can take
is to be honest with ourselves.”

Walter Anderson

Seems like there is a trend in our society where difficult economic times are bringing friends and family together, helping each other out and binding us closer together.

Trying to decide how to cope and live without a steady stream of money from my eBay store and finally coming to terms with the fact that getting another job isn’t going to be as easy as it once was has been a harsh reality to face. The decision to move back in with mom is, in many ways, a step backward in the progress of moving on with my life as an independent individual . . . but it is called survival . . . and a sign of the time.

I’ve heard of many people making this type of change in their lifestyle and since making the decision to change mine, through endless hours, days and weeks of pondering my situation, I realized that our society could possibly be changing to one where we are moving closer to family and friends and slowing down to help one another.

Closer to becoming a less selfish society?

In this awful time of life circumstances so many of us find ourselves in, there is a silver lining and something positive to be gained from this “crisis” that has almost changed our world overnight.

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Looking for Mr. Rock My World

Maxine must have tried an online dating service!

Since becoming a widow, I have ventured out a few times into the world of internet dating. The optimum words . . . a few times.

In my quest for peace, love and happiness, I sometimes think that my life would be enhanced by finding that special person to spend the rest of my life with again . . . or at least find a compatible companion . . . maybe even a friend with benefits.

Since all of my time is spent online . . . it is where I work, make money, socialize and learn . . . well, I figured I could find someone special online too.

There is one problem . . . human nature to make yourself look better than you actually look.

Ummmmmm, like using photos from 20 years ago or telling a little fib about your real age. Why lie? You will eventually meet and disappoint the other person, rather than being true to who you really are. That is starting off on the wrong foot.

Online dating services have worked for some . . . I have heard the beautiful and romantic stories. But for me it has been a waste of my time as far as making a local romantic connection, although I have made some awesome online friends from all over the world.

If my destiny is to have another Mr. RockMyWorld in my life, I will have to run into him at the grocery store . . . I’m not looking anymore! Casual dating is not on my path to peace, love and happiness . . . I’d rather be alone than play the games out in that jungle.

But . . . never say never!

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Nothing is impossible

Faith and a positive mental attitude work hand in hand in making things happen. A recurring theme of my blog is maintaining positive vibes and staying stress-free no matter what is going on in your life.

It took me along time to realize that I was making myself crazy over things that were out of my control . . . so much that I could not focus on those things that were in my control that could make a difference.

In my quest to turn my attitude toward life around, I have learned that our brains are subconsciously programmed. Our behaviors are guided by reactions determined through our thoughts. Unfortunately, for some of us, unpleasant events trigger those deeply rooted negative thought patterns.

With faith and a positive mental attitude, nothing is impossible. Every day I make a conscious effort to put my faith into action by the words I speak, determined by what I put into my inner being.

The good news is that I am learning how to reprogram my subconscious thoughts so I react differently when problems arise, making it so much easier to cope with life when times get rough.

Life is so much more pleasant with a smile on my face instead of crying and wearing an ugly frown.

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Honesty and untruths

People grow through experience if they
meet life honestly and courageously.
This is how character is built.

(Eleanor Roosevelt)

Honesty is at the core of peace, love and happiness. Anything built upon lies, deceit and dishonesty has no strength of true substance.

It is safe to say that there are times we’ve all had to be courageous and honestly admit a mistake or disclose facts that are none too flattering. Doing the honorable thing is not always the comfortable thing to do.

No man has a good enough memory
to make a successful liar.

(Abraham Lincoln)

Lies and untruths will open up a can of worms that keep multiplying and could become overwhelming and difficult to keep up with. Then what happens when everything is tripped up in lies? The implication in Lincoln’s quote was well said.

Why bother not telling the truth? Isn’t honesty easier in the long run? Circumstances, situations, events, facts, etc. are what they are . . . why try to change it and make the attempt to keep track of all the untruths?

Living a lie is not real and leads to the opposite of peace.

Murderers, thieves and scammers have to live with themselves. I often wonder how they cope with all those negatives vibes within themselves . . . or even feel true happiness and peace of mind.

Is it possible to be human and not have a conscience?

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Agree to disagree

It is about peace and harmony in our relationships and realizing that everyone has a right to their opinion. What a boring world we would live in without differing opinions . . . boring, but more peaceful.

When we share our beliefs with others in a sincere and open manner, putting aside any hostility we may feel toward an opposing view, it may lead to opening the door to understanding differing opinions and perhaps a new way of thinking on both sides of an issue.

Rather than take on the idea that it is not a good idea to discuss politics or religion, taking the approach of “agreeing to disagree” not only opens our mind to a new way of thinking on a particular subject, but also helps us strengthen our relationships with greater understanding if the approach of gentle expressiveness is exercised among rational people.

If the discussion becomes irrational, I always take the approach of saying . . . “let’s just agree to disagree” . . . and quickly change the subject. Sometimes it is not worth it . . . but with the right approach by all individuals involved, it can be a growing experience and lead to greater peace and understanding of those with different opinions.

Opinions are one of those things that everyone has and makes us each a truly unique individual . . . share your opinions peacefully and your voice becomes louder as others will be more willing to listen . . .

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Spirit of love

You will find as you look back upon your life
that the moments when you have really lived,
are the moments when you have done things
in a spirit of love.

Henry Drummond

The essence of Valentine’s Day is love . . .
only a part of it is romance.

One of the many aspects of love and
most beautiful is giving in the spirit of love.

That is what Valentines Day means to me.

It is giving . . . not of material things necessarily.

One of my fondest memories of childhood was exchanging and sharing Valentine Cards with my schoolmates. We all came to school with our little bags of colorful “Be My Valentine” wishes . . . one of my first recollections of giving and sharing associated with love, not romance . . . that was the spirit of love.

I’ll never forget what someone did for me when JR died . . . and to this day I don’t know who did this sweet thing for me. I asked everyone I knew . . . they obviously wanted to remain anonymous. Every day without fail for the longest time, someone left freshly cut flowers at my door. 

It didn’t matter where it came from . . . it was the most awesome random act of kindness I have ever experienced. In those dark days, the flowers and what they meant to me was just about the only thing that would bring a smile to my face. That was the spirit of love . . . unselfish compassion for someone hurting, in need of a smile and knowing that someone cared.

Simple things . . . like cutting an elderly neighbor’s grass or cooking a meal for them, just because . . . most seniors are on a fixed income and little things add up monetarily.

In the spirit of love, do something nice for someone less fortunate than yourself . . . not just for Valentines Day.

Do you recollect your fondest “spirit of love” moments?

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The path of conscious awareness

The world as we know it is changing before our eyes, leaving many of us walking on shaky ground. The economic turmoil seems to have popped up and immediately resulted in the dominoes falling one after another, spiraling out of control.

Haven’t we all been touched by this economic crisis? Corporations that have been household names are either closing their doors, severely downsizing their workforce or imposing a hiring freeze, leaving the mass numbers of unemployed with nowhere to work.

Many industries are disappearing into extinction . . . who reads a newspaper or magazine anymore? Apparently less and less of us every day. Sometimes progress and new technology means pain and unforeseen consequences . . .

We have embarked on a new journey as a society and it doesn’t matter what your status in this world is, you will be affected if you haven’t been already. No matter what, as individuals, we will be changing our course of thinking and inevitably, switching paths in the not-too-distant future . . . if not already.

New paths will have to be approached with persistence and patience as some of us have entered unexplored territory that is very scary. New coping mechanisms will also have to be adopted for those times when it seems like nothing is happening . . . like sending out resumes routinely with no response as money vanishes into thin air. Where is the peace of mind? How do you keep it when you find it?

Can you imagine a new culture where a large percentage of the population is unemployed, broke, hungry, humiliated . . . totally discouraged . . . fighting to keep their sanity in a dysfunctional world? As an American, I never thought I would even have to envision that day with the farther stretch being learning how to cope with it.

My prediction is that the industry with the fastest employment growth will be pharmaceuticals . . . we are already a medicated society coping with the world as we knew it. Employment opportunities in keeping the peace . . . our local police departments will grow . . . perhaps the national guard. New opportunities will naturally evolve, even if for unpleasant reasons, like rising crime statistics.

We are on a path of a conscious awakening of what is important in life. The changes in our society calls for drastic thinking on a deeper level as to what our priorities are.

Just as the internet drastically changed business and life as we knew it before a PC in every home and office was the norm, there will be another Bill Gates-type with an intuitive endeavor or idea that will make new and innovative changes to our new reality. Back in the day we feared that computers would take over our jobs, yet new and better opportunities arose.

Perhaps it will be the beginning of a better and richer way of life. Richer in what ways? Possibly a new appreciation and gratitude . . . a conscious awakening to what is important.

Is our spoiled society strong enough to endure times of sacrifice and uncertain changes?

Do you think about what those changes will be and how they will affect life as you know it?

Keep smiling . . . if you are reading this, you are still breathing and have the gift of life.

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A new years resolution

I’m alive again with the imaginary “new beginning” that a new year brings, along with a new challenge, standing on my own two feet, no longer complacent with money in the bank to keep me a hermit . . . no longer JR’s wife living in the past as if waiting to hear the sound of his keys unlocking the door, coming home from a day at work. One of my New Year resolutions . . . put the past behind me and I made a big step toward that at the first of the year.

Time to truly live again.

Although I am still wearing the gold chain he wore, his wedding ring has joined my wedding rings in a safe place and no longer on the gold chain. I’ll never forget him and the beautiful life we shared, but he is gone and it is finally time to move on. I’m grateful every day that his presence in my life gives me hope that there are still good guys in this world and they are supposed to be difficult to find because they are like treasures.

It was one of the most emotional decisions I have made in a very long time. I thought about it as new year resolutions were on my mind, as usual in December. The difficulty was breaking a promise to JR . . . to wear the gold chain with his wedding ring around my neck until my new soulmate would take it off. At the time I told him to not even talk of such things, but he had to take off his jewelry as he settled in at the hospital emergency room which led us into that conversation.

He passed away the following morning.

In six years, I took it off once to take x-rays and that was after begging them to not make me take it off. It was an obsession and I was haunted by the fact that I briefly took it off, feeling that I would be punished for breaking the promise. Tears filled my eyes as I took off the chain.

What I didn’t realize is that the promise has haunted me . . . a reminder that I remain alone in life without a partner, waiting to fulfill the ceremonial changing of my love loyalty. It has tormented me as I have replayed that time in the emergency room when the thought of another man was the furthest thing from my mind.

He’s gone . . . never coming back . . . the emotional tie became so psychological as time has passed . . . I would catch myself playing with it, putting it on my finger . . . a nervous habit which accelerated when I quit smoking . . . too much of a symbolic tie to him. I was holding on as if my life depended on it . . . subconsciously waiting for him to come back. I had to finally let go and take it off as the new year began, fulfilling one of my new year resolutions. Now I feel completely free and at peace to move on with my life.

Perhaps I will never move on, finding love again and living happily ever after with a new soulmate, rather finding fulfillment in work, hobbies and just enjoying what life has to offer. My faith in God’s destiny for me has to do with finding peace, love and happiness with my life . . . not necessarily another soulmate.

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The Big Picture

“The most pathetic person in the world is

 the person who has sight, but no vision.”  

Helen Keller

“Far away there in the sunshine are my highest

 aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up

 and see their beauty, believe in them, and follow

 where they lead.”

Louisa May Alcott

As long as I can remember, I have been accused of being a “dreamer”. At this point in time, I consider that sentiment a high compliment. Doers must first be dreamers. I love the above quotes so much . . . they perfectly capture the essence of  "the big picture" as I see it.

Goals, aspirations and dreams are the big picture of your life . . . they are necessary to challenge the mind which moves you in the direction. I have few regrets since my motto has always been "go for it" for those things my heart desires and I’m even grateful for my failures since I can’t ask the question "what if".

The big picture is what this blog is about . . . 

living in peace, love and happiness. 

You only live once . . . whatever your heart desires, go for it!

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