Courage

Courage is the greatest of all the virtues.
Because if you haven’t courage, you may not
have an opportunity to use any of the others.

Samuel Johnson

There have been days when getting out of bed took courage. In my greatest depths of depression, my energy was totally sapped . . . it will do that to you.

Have you ever been through
one of those phases of life?

Dealing with death does that to me . . . the grief saps me of all energy to keep going. In my opinion, grief is a form of depression . . . I recognized the signs when one of my best friends died recently . . . that feeling of no energy consumed me and felt so familiar.

Going through the motions of putting one foot in front of the other to walk is a monumental task in these times. Many think that some of these symptoms that are felt is merely the “depressed” person being lazy.

The misconceptions associated with mental health are cruel and lack compassion . . . this is the attitude that keeps a depressed person in the depths of depression when the emotional support that is so needed is not there, especially if they are made to feel like they are “worthless,” leaving them feeling even more helpless with lower self-esteem. It is a vicious cycle.

It is not a conscious effort to physically do nothing, but the emotional state of the depressed person almost makes the simplest things in life impossible. I have referred to “getting up when I fall down” in previous posts . . . that one thing is the most difficult to do when physically and emotionally, there is no energy in order to get up.

What it takes to overcome the depths of depression is inner strength and courage to go against that energy, fight it with everything within you, get up and keep going. As time goes by, I have learned the longer you stay down, the harder it becomes to get back up. At least that is how I see it, having been through it several times in my life.

Life changes, losses and bad circumstances will take you to that dark place, not just grief. There are all types of losses that feel like death . . . for example, divorce or loss of a job. It is the disruption of a lifestyle.

We are living in times of trouble and should exercise compassion with those close to us going through a difficult time . . . emotions are very fragile in those times of lifestyle changes.

I’ll close with these words . . . never say “get over it” to someone having a difficult time.

How have you dealt with a
difficult situation in life?

What are your coping mechanisms?

How do you maintain peace and
contentment in bad times?

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Empty words

“Love is not in the word,

but in the proof of action.”

Author unknown

It amazes me that I forgot about one of the most absurd relationships I’ve ever had in my life . . . until I read this entry from back in 2007. The emotions of the situation and the way I handled it have come back to me like a comedy routine that really happened.

The actual facts were never disclosed and I will save the entire story for another time . . . I’m still not ready to tell the whole tale although it is very funny. The downside is that it cured me from wanting to date local guys or even look for someone new in my life.

It was around the time that I felt confident about diving into the dating scene again and posted a profile on some of the dating websites. This endeavor produced one promising candidate named Tommy.

Tommy and I embarked upon the journey of attempting to make a love connection and getting to know each other. We were both seriously ready to find “the one.” However, this is one of those life situations that sent me back to my hermit cave, never returning to the dating scene.

originally written August 1, 2007

You could say this about anything in life . . . I’ve grown up with the saying “put your money where your mouth is” . . . meaning do what you say and say what you do . . .

Words are just words on a page, on a computer screen or spoken . . . those words don’t really take on meaning until action is taken to prove their validity. Otherwise you are just fooling yourself, someone else or both . . . empty words.

No one is immune to the phenomena of good intentions in the context of empty words. I’ve been guilty of that many times. How many times do I say that I want to do this or that, the serious intentions behind the statements are valid, but for one reason or another, I don’t put action behind my words. Good intentions . . . dreams . . . wishful thinking . . . procrastination.

However, as it relates to love, perhaps in the context of promises, proclamations of love . . . they honestly have no meaning within themselves. They are merely empty words until action is taken to prove those words. Empty words are used to deceive . . . for one reason or another.

A song that I wrote many years ago resides on a very old cassette and the lyrics written in a huge notebook with other song lyrics. “Empty Words” is the title of the song . . . I’d post the lyrics, but they are not copyrighted. Something happened yesterday that reminded me of that song and inspired this blog.

Since I was a young adult with aspirations of being the next rock star singer/songwriter my words have been empty. How many times did I take the stage when given the opportunity only to begin to walk out, see the audience and totally freak out, turn around and go back in retreat. All that talk of wanting to be a successful rock star . . . empty words with good intentions. Maybe one day I will at least publish my songs and be a successful songwriter . . . but it takes actions.

I recently spoke empty words with good intentions that disappointed someone new in my life, but at the same time showed me that this person lacks understanding and compassion for someone they supposedly care for and are much too rigid and uptight of a person to enjoy life and share happiness with someone if such a small, insignificant thing could turn into such a huge deal.

The subject of another blog . . . understanding and compassion . . . one of the most key elements to an awesome relationship. Another subject that goes along with it is harsh and hurtful words . . . another key element needed . . . kindness. Without these things you have nothing.

I’m glad I was able to see these characteristics in him before I could seriously get hurt by this guy and his raging temper that flared up in a restaurant resulting in my calmly getting up, walking out and leaving him stewing in his rage all alone. Funny how he got louder shouting, “where are you going?” as I just about ran out the door.

In retrospect, I would have loved to be a fly on the wall to see the look on his face as he stood there alone in the crowded restaurant, after figuratively “showing his ass” for all the world to see.

Never in my life would I even think of ending a seemingly perfect relationship because I ordered french fries with my dinner . . . but more bizarre things have happened in my life . . . although this one is up there!

All I can say is that God is always watching out for me and I am so grateful that I ordered those freakin’ french fries that sparked my initial decision to embrace my solitude after realizing that Dr. Jekyll can turn into Mr. Hyde.

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Emotional distance

It doesn’t matter how far apart we are;
what matters is how close we stay

There is distance that is measured in miles,
then there is emotional distance

I’ve experienced closeness from across the world that was stronger than that which was in my face . . . I’ve also experienced the loss of that closeness that turns into emotional distance. With a long distance relationship, emotional distance is the one thing that will surely kill the romance . . . especially when it is unexplained, a mystery.

Through my blogs I have heard from many women who have enjoyed online long distance relationships . . . most read like horror stories, but on the other hand, I’ve heard beautiful love stores that remind me of my favorite romantic fairy tales.

Some would say that distrust and paranoid thinking creates the emotional distance some of us experience. However, isn’t it intuition that drives that same distrust and paranoia?

Although childhood experiences have often made me doubt my sense of intuition, surprisingly, my intuition is usually correct. Perhaps those experiences as a child gave me a greater sense of intuition that grew out of paranoia.

Distrust is a strong word, however, in an online long distance relationship isn’t it smart to be safe than sorry? Can you truly believe anyone you really don’t know and have never met?

In my experiences as a single woman, I’ve always had a certain level of “distrust” for anyone new that I meet. In this world of lies and deceit, it is a good practice to be conservatively skeptical until your intuition is reassured that all is on the level.

Even after your intuition is reassured, it takes two to make a relationship work, whether it is long distance or living together. Emotional distance is not measured by miles, but by nurturing those romantic feelings of closeness and mutual respect for each other.

How does your relationship measure up in emotional distance?

Can true love survive in a long distance relationship?

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Don't go there

Unless you have gone through a depression or have faced a time in your life that seemed hopeless, you can’t relate to the elation one feels when those feelings have lifted, when your mind, body and soul are no longer dwelling in the depths of despair, but rather in the hope of faith and peace.

Today I am feeling so grateful that with lots of practice, I am learning how to successfully fight negative thinking and depression.

Although I slipped and fell away from the promise I made to myself of perpetual positive thinking and happy attitude, life circumstances pulled me away. I am finally realizing that I am only human, it is not a failure on my part for falling into that pit, it is normal to become down when life’s situations are not rosy. 

Those of us who believe in good versus evil will say it is a test, a lure of the devil.

No matter what, I refuse to live in that dwelling of despair and hopelessness . . . it is a sad way to live life. Despite life throwing one thing after another at me, I have faith and peace dwells in my heart once more . . . the only thing that is different is my attitude, my life circumstances are exactly the same.

I choose to live in peace and happiness . . . it is much better for the quality of my life.

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Don't look back in anger

Anger could be defined as an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. The degree of that intensity depends on our ability to control the anger. We can take those intense emotions and use them in a positive or negative way, learn from it and use it as one of life’s lessons.

You may ask how could you possibly use an irritating rage positively? At this time in my life after suffering one heartbreak after another, you would think that my anger would have the best of me, but it doesn’t. I will agree I am angry at first, but I am learning how to control my anger and keep moving. I’ll admit that I would be very happy if my life was settled, but it is not, so I need to get over it and anticipate my future with much excitement and anticipation . . . and make things happen for myself.

After experiencing the unexpected death of my young husband and subsequently, the death of my happy marriage, I’ve learned that no one dies for anyone. I thought I had “happy ever after” conquered in my life and that I’d never have to worry about that again. Wrong . . . my destiny was not written that way. No amount of rage or anger was going to change the outcome.

Life keeps going and the negative emotional effects of anger slows the process of moving on. Same for a broken heart . . . different circumstances, same anger that needs to be controlled . . . doesn’t matter who or what the anger is directed at, whether it be God or a person who hurt you.

I’ve felt different levels of anger throughout my lifetime and each time it has taught me something about life in general. This time is no different. Anger is anger, hurt is hurt . . . a lesson is a lesson . . . learn from it and move away from the anger as fast as you can. The hurt remains, but the anger can be controlled.

To my friends going through the rough time . . . “slip inside the eye of your mind” . . . pick yourself up, know that you are a beautiful person inside and out in your unique little ways that is going to make someone crazy good and it is going to happen so fast you are not gonna know what hit you.

In the meantime . . . don’t look back in anger . . . nothing is worth giving yourself bad feelings, taking precious moments of your life and being sad instead of being happy. You only hurt yourself! This is the important lesson I’ve learned about anger, rage and being able to control it better . . . and realizing that I can’t control destiny . . . que sera sera, what will be, will be anyway . . .

Lyrics

Don’t Look Back in Anger | Oasis

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don’t you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you’d once never been
All the things that you’ve seen
Will slowly fade away

So I’ll start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime’s in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain’t ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we’re walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don’t look back in anger I hear you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows if it’s night or day
Please don’t put your life in the hands
Of a Rock n Roll band
Who’ll throw it all away

So I’ll start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime’s in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain’t ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we’re walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don’t look back in anger I hear you say

Don’t look back in anger
Don’t look back in anger
Don’t look back in anger
At least not today

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The fine line between love and hate

“We loathe ourselves for living and lying every day
in little ways that devalue and dishonor us”

Sarah Ban Breathnach, Something More

All I can say is that I’m very glad to be getting past the phase of hating myself. What a relief it was to give myself permission to stop trying to be perfect or even come close to it and loving myself for who I am.

It originates from being raised by a very strict, domineering father who could never be pleased. Just when I thought I may be getting close to making him happy, he raised the bar a little higher, making it impossible to ever feel “good enough.”

He died over a decade ago and we never made peace with each other. I never heard the words that he was proud of me or that he loved me . . . I only felt resentment from him.

After all this time I finally realize that he hated himself, his life circumstances . . . I was an innocent child who didn’t ask to be born, but paid the price anyway.

As a result, I grew up thinking that I really was that stupid little girl who could never do anything good enough and it has taken most of my life to love myself. I’m getting there . . . and I’ve made so much progress since I wrote this journal entry a little more than a year ago.

Originally published
August 12, 2007

It is not what you have or have not . . . but what you do with it. Not only “things” or possessions . . . but feelings within ourselves.

The thought never occurred to me that I had a self-loathing or hatred of myself. In my reading today, I realized that when we beat ourselves up over little things that we did or can’t do or thoughts . . . whatever it is . . . it is a form of hating ourselves.

When I think of all the times I have beaten myself up over things that I just COULD NOT do at a certain phase of my coming back to life . . . simply being social, walking outside to get fresh air but afraid I may have to talk to someone who sees me outside.

Hating our shortcomings, our human frailties and flaws . . . it is not the thoughts of self-hatred that are bad, it is what we do with it. The realization is a good thing and part of the healing. The healing comes in what we do about the things that bother us about ourselves.

Hate is a strong word, but it is a fine line between love and hate within ourselves.

Tonight I have given myself permission to hate myself for those things that keep me from being who I am, the best person that I can be. See it for what it is, feel it . . . I have to come to terms with those things before I can move past them . . . and love myself for who I am.

What I’ve learned today is that the feelings of hate and punishing myself go hand in hand and needs to stop. How can I move on if I don’t think I am worthy?

More progress, although I know I will have to address this issue over and over again before I come to terms with it . . . whatever it takes to be “normal” again.


Have you ever hated yourself?

Do you realize how wrong that is?

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Love and appreciation

We don’t know what we’ve got

Until we lose it

But it’s also true

That we don’t know what we’ve

been missing until it arrives

Don’t let a day go by without
telling that special person in your life
you love them with all your heart
because they could be suddenly gone

I’m a widow who speaks from experience
and so glad that I did and it made a difference
We treated each other as if it was our last day
Never parting without a hug, a smile and
three little words . . . I love you

Life is fragile
We are here one day
Could be gone the next
I have no regrets

Losing someone is one end of the spectrum
At the other end is searching and finding love again
Treating it with great appreciation and respect

I know what has been missing in my life
Someone special and unconditional love
I anxiously await his arrival
As I hear his heart beat

I Love You
Donna Summer
Lyrics

Well he searched and searched for nights and days

till he found the one he loved

and he wrapped her in his arms again

and then he thanked the stars above

that he found what he’d been looking for

and he stared her in the eyes

He said “I love you”

he said “I love you”

love you, love you

She stared him right back in the eyes

with a look of disbelief

then she gazed off into somewhere else

was it real or just a dream?

and she pulled him, oh so close to her

and she whispered in his ear

She said “I love you”

she said “I love you too”

love you, love you, love you

So together they will always be

until the stars fall from the sky

They said “I love you”

yes, I really do

they said “I love you”

yes, I do

I do, I do, I do, I do

So together they will always be

until the stars fall from the sky

so if you find someone you love a lot

you must never let them go

you just hold them tight with all your might

and you say three little words

You say “I love you”

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Trust

Trust . . . a firm belief or confidence in the honesty and reliability of another person . . . the thing that bonds couples together to help create a healthy relationship between two committed people.

In my opinion, there is nothing like that critical bond between two people . . . the warm and fuzzy feeling of safety in a loving, committed relationship to combine the balance of peace, love and happiness.

Trust is also key in our non-romantic relationships . . . the best friend who is the confidant, holding all the deep and dark secrets, always there when a shoulder is needed to cry on.

However, I think it is safe to say that most of us have experienced the intense emotional pain and agony of having trust broken.

In my life I’ve trusted way too many people who didn’t deserve that trust . . . now I struggle with the issue of trust. Loving someone doesn’t naturally bring trust for me . . . it must be earned.

When it comes to trust, my intuition is on high alert which is the opposite of what it once was before I experienced that awful feeling of trust broken. Maybe it depends on the degree of the betrayal, how many times trust was broken and the confidence we had in the person that determines how we are able to trust again . . . it could depend on the person and the chemistry between the two people.

There are two people in my life that have had my complete trust . . . my mom and my husband.

How about you?

Who do you trust the most in your life?

Do you have a problem with trust?

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Love . . . ageless and evergreen

“Like a rose under the April snow

I was always certain love would grow
Love . . . ageless and evergreen
Seldom seen by two”

lyrics from the song

Evergreen - Barbra Streisand

Many people live and die a full life, never feeling the emotions of this song. As I listened to this song today, I realized how blessed I have been to experience this kind of love in my life.

In the past month or so I’ve had some really bad waves of sad emotions that like to slap me down like the waves of the ocean in the midst of a fierce storm. The sad feelings from a broken romance momentarily make me promise myself to never fall in love again, to run when I feel it happening.

I have received messages and comments from friends that have made me think otherwise. One of those messages was one of the most beautiful I have ever received . . . his exact words . . . “Sorry u keep getting hurt, but if one stops trying they’ll never find love again. True love is worth the pain.”

He is so right . . .
to live the words of this song is worth it.

I used to think that one could not be lucky enough to find that kind of love twice in a lifetime, but I did . . . and I found it again with my first love, even after being hurt by him since I didn’t close my heart to love. 

Not just once and at different stages of my life . . . my first love has shown up at those different stages and perhaps we will reunite at yet another stage of our lives.

I’m trying to accept circumstances of life . . . once again. Just as I was so blessed to feel this kind of love several times in my life, God won’t let me keep it . . . love lost too many times, one to death, another to world politics and yet another to impossible life circumstances again and again.

Fate and destiny are strange that way . . . when God deems me worthy to experience true love again I won’t want to run away.

Have you experienced love

 that is ageless and evergreen?

Lyrics

Love soft as an easy chair
Love fresh as the morning air
One love that is shared by two
I have found with you

Like a rose under the april snow
I was always certain love would grow
Love ageless and evergreen
Seldom seen by two

You and I will make each night a first
Every day a beginning
Spirits rise and their dance is unrehearsed
They warm and excite us, cause we have the brightest love

Two lives that shine as one
Morning glory and midnight sun
Time we’ve learned to sail above
Time won’t change the meaning of one love
Ageless and ever evergreen

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Finding your pace

My pace changes with my life circumstances, although I prefer a slower pace that is peaceful and harmonious. On the other hand, I loved the fast pace of the corporate world as an executive assistant. At this time of my life, I would call my pace “go with the flow” as I go back and forth through various changes.

There have been times in my life where a slower pace is what I needed, but my restless nature would become bored and crave going against a swift current to shake things up a bit.

In my working days, the swift pace I had to maintain was tempered by one long weekend every month. JR and I both had the luxury of earning more than a month’s worth of vacation . . . the reward for being loyal long time employees. What worked for us was to work hard and then take off and unwind for that one long weekend a month . . . usually camping at Disney World. Of course we took advantage of those really long holiday weekends.

We enjoyed the versatility of camping at Disney since we had the best of all worlds there, depending on what pace we wanted to follow. It seemed as though he and I were always totally synchronized as far as the pace we individually needed. We also had our times of indulgence when we would stay at one of the expensive Disney hotels and spoil ourselves in luxury.

On those slower paced weekends, we would ride our bikes through the woods, stopping along the way for a packed lunch or just hanging out on the man-made beach enjoying nature and relaxing. Our favorite thing to do was to get up before the sun came up in the morning, get our coffee ready to go and hop on the bikes to the beach area to experience night turning into day, enjoy the birds and squirrels coming out to greet the morning and experience the marina coming alive. I’ve just described my favorite pace of all . . . my favorite place too.

Then we had those fast paced weekends where friends would join us and we would pack in as much Disney magic as we could handle, running from one theme park to the other like we had never seen any of this stuff before, acting like big kid tourists. In those times, going back to work was like relaxing.

What is your pace?

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Constant craving

Even through the darkest phase
Be it thick or thin
Always someone marches brave
Here beneath my skin

Constant craving
Has always been

Maybe a great magnet pulls
All souls towards truth
Or maybe it is life itself
That feeds wisdom
To its youth

Constant craving
Has always been

Lyrics from the song

Constant Craving
K.D. Lang

I’ve mentioned that I have not really moved on in a meaningful relationship since my husband passed away although I have found “love” online and went through the resurrection of my “first love”. In all cases of "potential relationships" I have kept them FAR away . . . where they are safe, where I thought they could not hurt me . . . but they did anyway.

As I’m currently in the midst of the phase where I am truly “embracing my solitude” and have actually accepted the fact that I can be happy living the rest of my life alone, never to find love again . . . sometimes feeling I am better off . . . especially after going through old journal entries and feeling the “pain of the relationship struggle” again.

Above all, there is nothing worse than the feeling of constant craving, as I was feeling in this journal entry from last year . . . sometimes we need reminders, huh?

 

Originally published sometime in 2008

As I’ve drifted through my meaningless life the past couple of days, feeling like I’ve hit rock bottom and ready to emerge from the ashes of nothingness, I have been trying a form of self-hypnosis as when I quit smoking.

The constant craving has got to stop . . . it is driving me crazy. I can’t take anymore. Tonight my attitude has flip flopped from even last night . . . I don’t want to feel love, I don’t want to have feelings for anyone, I want to love myself, depend on myself, be happy by myself . . . go back to the “embrace my solitude” mentality, but not just for now . . . forever.

Maybe it is because I have given my heart away and had it broken. I’m scared it is going to happen again. The constant craving draws me back. It is just boredom and I need to change that part of my life.

Before I met JR, I was hurt so badly that I never wanted to feel love again, but I did . . . at first, it was in the form of embracing my solitude and loving my life and having a satisfying and fun job. When I met JR, he chased me relentlessly because I really didn’t want to be bothered, but he was determined to win my heart. I fought him just because I didn’t want to feel love again, which I related to pain.

It is time for the constant craving to go away and for me to find happiness in the real world and forgetting about love from another human being. The roller coaster ride of up and down and back and forth has got to stop.


It has been approximately a year since that entry was written and I am very happy to say that the “constant craving” is under control . . . the roller coaster ride stopped, although I do get periodic cravings.

Having said all of the above . . . never say never . . . another lesson I have learned in life!

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Finding a purpose

I’m still searching for that feeling of purpose

in my life, you know, the one where you

can hardly wait to get up in the morning.

That feeling is my measurement of finding purpose in life . . . it means total happiness for me and the peace that comes from that kind of happiness. I’ve found that happiness and fulfillment many times in my life . . . but it escaped me and hasn’t found its way back to me.

Sometimes life reminds me of a used box of puzzle pieces . . . the box shows a beautiful picture on the cover, but are all the pieces included? Will the beautiful picture emerge in it’s entirety or will you be left with missing pieces?

It seems as if the last couple years of my life have been about figuring out what I want for the rest of my life . . . what will make me truly happy.

The hardest part was accepting my life circumstances and coming to terms with the sudden changes that seem to continue year after year. All the twists and turns have at least brought me to the place of acceptance where I can now concentrate on my ultimate goals of just being happy and content with who I am as a person.

The past year has been about finding my purpose as far as finding a way to survive financially and also give me that feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment. Work is not about the money for me . . . it is the accomplishment of what I do and how that makes me feel.

It has been over a year that I saw the changes happening with the economy as far as my online business. I’m an internet retailer . . . my sales started taking a nosedive way before last year, but I made enough to keep things going and had no idea of knowing the turn the economy would take.

The year was wasted on two jobs that I am not suited for . . . I should not have been persistent since there were still jobs available from the profession of my old days of working corporate jobs that almost made me crazy. I was being stubborn and wanted to do something entirely different . . . sometimes it seems like I failed miserably although I don’t see it that way because I tried to go “outside of the box” to be true to myself.

Now I’m having to turn that box inside out just to find a way to survive financially, but it is ok . . . perhaps these economic times will bring me to the purpose I would have never imagined. I do believe that everything in life happens for a reason.

Have you found your “purpose”
or are you still searching?

Do you look forward to getting
out of bed in the morning
or do you wonder . . .
why bother getting out of bed?

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Peace come to my rescue

Bad times always bring up other bad times for me. In many ways, it is one of my subconscious mind’s defense mechanisms, showing me a time I experienced similar emotions that I made it through, ultimately feeling peace in my life again . . . and not feeling anger towards God.

It is also another reason writing in my journal every day has helped me make it through difficult times as well as the good times . . . not only when I am going through the time itself, but going through a similar time . . . and knowing that “this too shall pass.”

Those who have lost someone close will understand what I’m going to say about “trigger days” . . . I have “the trigger season” which is the time after Halloween, when society gears up for the “happiest time of the year.” However, for me, it is the most dreaded of the “trigger days” when feeling your loss in the most painful way. The best way for me to describe it is to compare it to the withdrawals I had when I quit smoking cigarettes . . . that feeling like you are coming apart . . . inside out.

The following entry was written as the holiday season approached a year or so ago. At the time, it seemed as though the holidays were going to always be a time of unhappiness and dread for me.

However, I am happy to say that this past holiday season was the first one I can say that I participated in and enjoyed more than in the past. It still isn’t the same, but it was a turning point in my life.

Christmas 2007 . . .

As I approach my 5th agonizing Christmas without JR, I’m still filled with emptiness, just wishing that the holidays would not touch me and I could ignore them as if they are not even here. For another year it is a reminder of how pathetic I have allowed myself and my life to become.

In my travels through society with my smiles and cheery well wishes for a Merry Christmas to those I am in contact with . . . none would ever have the idea of the pain inside of me, the anger that I direct at God for taking the most important person in my life . . . anger at God, who was always my source of strength in bad times.

Isn’t this the source of my pain? Not the grief, although it is still overwhelming and even paralyzing at times . . . but the peace I always found in God is gone and I am so angry. My faith in God had always been so strong, unwavering and all consuming. It is all but gone. I can finally admit it to myself and say it out loud.

It is also about guilt . . . on many levels and for so many reasons. The collective guilt haunts me and torments me at times. What seems ironic to me is this . . . with all the thinking and analyzing that I do without giving myself a break, I am just now willing to admit my anger at God and I’ve lost my faith, the peace that comes from within. It seems like what I have been feeling subconsciously has tormented me on a conscious level.

The realization hit me this week as I contemplated getting involved in some type of volunteer work on Christmas Day. Although I am a deeply spiritual person, I am not religious and have quite an aversion to organized religion with all its rules and regulations, much preferring to simply talk to God.

It got me to thinking on a level I had not ever gone to . . . the thought of talking to God and he’s not listening at all, he’s ignoring me, punishing me for reasons I don’t know and I am angry . . . extremely angry when I started thinking about it . . . I’m a good person, go out of my way to not hurt others . . . a Christian does not go there with all the questions, we are supposed to have faith. But I have . . . I went there with the questions, the doubts . . . and realized that is what is keeping me from having peace . . . my anger at God . . . and dare I say, my loss of faith?

Too much loss in my life, too much disappointment, too much betrayal, not enough gratefulness for everything I have been blessed with . . . too much guilt for merely being alive, for not being able to do something so that JR would still have life, guilt for not being there when he died, guilt for feeling this way, for wasting my life away when there are so many others in the world who would be so grateful for a fraction of what I have and healthy life itself . . . I could go on and on with the guilt for everything that torments me.

Will the magic of Christmas and the reason for the season ever return to my foggy world of black and white? I need the peace, love, happiness that has been the motto of my life . . . I need God back, I feel so disconnected . . . like I’m within the grips of dark forces. This torment has got to end and I know I must stop beating myself up . . . it is one of those nights.

To quote a line in the song, “peace come to my rescue and I don’t know what that means” . . . life imitates art again . . . and again . . .

Although I have come to another place in my life where I am feeling anger for life circumstances and have experienced a momentary loss of peace, I had to relive a time in my past to know that peace will return again. And I can be grateful for those bad times of my past making it easier to deal with those of today . . .

I Need Love | Sixpence None The Richer
Lyrics

i left my conscience like a crying child

locked the door behind me put the pain on file

broken like a window i see my blindness now 

i need love

not some sentimental prison

i need god 

not the political church 

i need fire 

to melt this frozen sea inside me 

i need love 

driving into town tired and depressed

like a flare the streetlight bursts an s.o.s.

peace comes to my rescue and i don’t know what it means 

i need love

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Burned out or slightly charred?

My brother was rushed to the hospital with chest pains last night . . . my mom ran off with my sister-in-law to Tallahassee where he lives and works during the week.  My mom recently had a heart attack . . . of course, I worry about her.

Although I’m a Christian with a positive attitude and a lot of faith, that faith has been tested over and over and over again in recent years . . . sometimes with no relief between life circumstances to get a firm grip before the next thing is thrown on me. I’m tired . . . burned out . . . or just slightly charred?

I’ve had the same revelation several times when too much was on my plate and I start to lose faith and hope . . . I’m burned out. As I read from my book, “Simple Abundance”, I came across the section called “Recognizing Burnout Before You’re Charred.”

You know, I think that I’m a little more than slightly charred . . . but on the other hand, I am always able to get up from what I call “falling down.” Seems like since the new millennium  began, it has been long streak of bad luck and unfortunate situations that don’t want to stop. Every time I pray for gratitude, peace and contentment in my soul and go from one moment to the next telling myself, “this too shall pass.”

My “burnout” is seen as my ying/yang thing of peace, love and happiness being out of balance . . . “running on fumes rather than fuel.” It is burnout when nothing satisfies you because you haven’t a clue what’s wrong or how to fix it. Because everything is wrong. Nothing feels right and you don’t know why. Totally out of balance and everything is out of whack. It is not depression although it feels similar. I’m feeling so helpless.

In search of this balance, I spent the day easing up on myself, stopped beating myself up long enough to be grateful for what I have been blessed with and spent a great deal of time in prayer and contemplation, silence, waiting for that still small voice to speak to me, giving me direction. My burnout is feeling like years of nothingness and living with no purpose . . . like a restless wave that has suddenly swept over me.

I know it is current life circumstances . . . my perspective is blurred, making everything seem inside out, upside down . . . frantic to find that place of peace where I can hide and feel safe.

Life history has shown me that “this too shall pass” . . . but when one is in the midst of the storm, you feel as though the tide is gonna pull you out to sea . . . it is that helpless feeling.

Can you relate to the feeling of

burned out or slightly charred?

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Forgiveness

Sometimes the bad feelings we are holding
inside has to do with forgiveness.

Have you ever harbored unforgiveness?

You know the feeling I am talking about if you have.

I wrote the following post in September 2007 . . . it was another period of contemplation where I feel I experienced the greatest healing, which led me in a definite direction.

Now I can look back and see it so clearly, but at the time it felt as if my world was falling apart, part of the healing I guess. That perception alone is a lesson in life. At the time I didn’t know it . . . I had to forgive myself.

The major thing was feeling guilt for having life when my husband didn’t. I tortured myself with the question, “why am I still here and not him . . . why not me?” In time I realized that I am not God, I am not in control of who lives and who dies . . . it was his destiny to die young, it was mine to deal with it.

I had not forgiven him for leaving me
so abruptly without saying goodbye.

“In my silence I would love to forget
But restitution hasn’t come quite yet
And with one accord I keep pushing forth
I stretch my heart to heal some more

It used to be all I’d want to learn
Was wisdom trust and truth
But now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you

As my seasons change I’ve now grown to know
When one’s heart creates, one’s soul doesn’t owe
So I wash away stains of yesterday
Then tempt my heart with love’s display”

lyrics from the song
Forgiveness by Collective Soul

Forgiveness is the mental, emotional and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake.

After all, we are only human . . .
why is it so hard to forgive?

As it relates to love . . . forgiveness is based on intensity of the anger and/or resentment for mistakes made. Of course there is the severity of the mistake . . . is it major or minor . . . and what is the perceived outcome as it relates to trust?

What about new beginnings as
if nothing ever came before?

Is it my stubborn nature, or is
forgiveness a universal problem?

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