Unresolved issues

My intention was to get back into full swing with blogging again, but I'm still lacking focus and concentration due to all that has gone on with The Captain's surgery, his recovery and life in general.  

Best way I can describe it . . . 

I'm feeling numb.

There are so many unresolved issues buzzing around in my thoughts that I need to sort out and I haven't been able to deal with them.  

Since I quit working, I've not been able to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life professionally.  What would make me happy?  I honestly don't know . . . however, doing nothing has left a void within me that can't be filled by merely being a housewife.  

I'm a doer who hasn't been doing

 and feeling a little lost!

It really isn't about money, except that I have a need to feel like I'm contributing to the household financially.  My dad did a good job drilling the financial contribution thing in my head when I was very young.  He would be disappointed in me . . .

Today would have been my wedding anniversary with JR . . . it is one of those grief trigger days that makes me sad.  It is so ironic to feel this way in the midst of one of my happiest times since The Captain came into my life.  

I'm really happy and other than these emotional issues, my life is as near perfect as I have ever imagined.  

So . . . what's the problem?  

I'm constantly asking myself!

There are so many people out there

 in this world with REAL problems

 and that realization makes

 me feel so guilty!

Needless to say, high anxiety has continued

 to plague me and it feels like depression

 has started to set in again.  

There is a fine line between anxiety and depression . . . sometimes it is difficult to know when one filters into the other.

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Healing Wounds

Wounds cannot be cured without searching.

Francis Bacon

The culprits that cause emotional wounds are much the same the world over. Loss, neglect, abuse and rejection leave scars on the human heart, and the earlier these traumas happen in life, the deeper they are inflicted.

Recovery is to search for the wounds and buried feelings surrounding them and bring them into the open. We will feel pain, but it is healing pain. With self-nurturing, support from others and the help of a healing power greater than ourselves, our wounds will slowly mend.

It is never too late to begin our search.

~ Niki Turner ~

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Days with tears

Catch me if I fall
I'm losing hold
I can't just carry on this way


Lyrics from the song
Faith . . . The Cure

Today was supposed to be my day of rest since I've been going like the energizer bunny.  As it turns out, it is anything but restful, instead I've got the worst case of anxiety I've had in a long time.


There are those out there in this world who are squealing with delight, I know.  Woohoo Gina is feeling miserable today . . . enjoy it while it lasts because I have faith that can move mountains.  This too shall pass.


It seems to me that as humans, we can only tolerate a certain amount of stress . . . emotional and physical . . . then we just want to shut down.  So, I'm allowing myself to shut down today and wallow in self-pity even though I know that I have everything to be happy about and there is so much suffering in this world that I almost feel guilty for feeling this way.


But I do feel this way today and I won't apologize for it.  I just need to write about it . . . it is ok to have a bad day or a bad phase.  After all, life is full of bad days and every day there are probably more people feeling like I do than bouncing off the walls with happiness.

For many reasons, I find myself questioning so many different things.  One thing for sure, life as it has been has got to change.  I've lost my focus and concentration . . . everything seems to be in chaos . . . no schedule, no routine.  I'm feeling terribly lost.

This too shall pass . . .

A hauntingly depressing song for those having a bad day and want to wallow in it . . . go ahead . . . it is normal. 

Get on with life as usual tomorrow.





Faith | The Cure

Lyrics

Catch me if I fall
I'm losing hold
I can't just carry on this way
And every time
I turn away
Lose another blind game
The idea of perfection holds me
Suddenly I see you change
Everything at once
The same
But the mountain never moves


Rape me like a child
Christened in blood
Painted like an unknown saint
There's nothing left but hope
Your voice is dead
And old
And always empty
Trust in me through closing years
Perfect moments wait
If only we could stay
Please
Say the right words
Or cry like the stone white clown
And stand forever
Lost forever in a happy crowd


No one lifts their hands
No one lifts their eyes
Justified with empty words
The party just gets better and better


I went away alone
With nothing left
But faith

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Breathing in Heaven and Earth

When we choose not to focus
On what is missing from our lives
But are grateful for the abundance
that's present,
We experience heaven on earth.

Sarah Breathnach

It was a troubling chapter in my life . . . I was so lost and desperately seeking the way to crawl out of the situation, knowing that in time I would.  Sometimes I go back to my old journals and blog posts to grasp reality and see the transitions in my life since JR died.  Those days were like a roller coaster that I could not stop . . . one day good, the next day unbearable and miserable . . . back and forth.  I had to go through it to get to where I am today.

The following post was written back in 2008.  Of course I still have bad days . . . and I've come to accept the fact that I have a condition that has been diagnosed as restlessness and anxiety.  As time goes on, I've learned how to cope when those days appear.  With the help of the wonderful man I married, I learned how to move on with life itself.  It has been quite a journey back from the depths of depression as a result of grief and drastic life changes!

One of the reasons I blog about my journey is to help others going through a life situation that seems hopeless.  Nothing is ever hopeless when you have faith that "this too shall pass" . . . it will.

The feeling of  breathing in heaven and earth is awesome . . . in good AND bad times, when you learn how to be grateful.  It is the lesson I had to learn before moving on with my life.


THIS POST WAS ORIGINALLY 

WRITTEN JUNE 2008 

The presence of faith, hope and limitless opportunities in my life is what I am most grateful for today. It is the absence of faith and hope in our lives which brings the mindset of depression, hopelessness and dread of life. The ability to regain faith within us, exhibiting the strength to blindly walk the path of opportunity, pulling oneself out of the pits of depression is the feeling of heaven on earth.

Sometimes we must go there . . . to enter the pits of depression and feel the fire . . . to be reminded of how much we have to be grateful for and realize what is missing in our life. Surprisingly, at this moment, I am grateful for feeling the heat of that fire.

To wake up with a smile on my face is a blessing . . . the hope and promise of a new day rather than the dread of having to wake up to face a living hell . . . that is the feeling of heaven on earth.

The pleasure of preparing a home cooked meal, enjoying and savoring every bite . . . rather than not having the appetite for anything or the emotional energy to put it together . . . another feeling I am so grateful for at this moment.

Living life rather than anticipating and waiting for death, pulling oneself out of the pits of depression, the feeling of standing on a steep cliff and seeing your life flash before your eyes . . . I'm so grateful for heaven on earth.

A thought occurs to me . . . as long as we are breathing there is hope and opportunity is always present, we just need to open our eyes and minds to see it. And from the immortal words of Scarlett O'Hara . . . tomorrow is another day.

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Happiness Never Forgets You

Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, 

never completely forget about it. 

Jacques Prévert 

A new blogging friend's post made me think about those times of grief, depression, anxiety and restlessness from way too many deaths of family and friends in a short period of time.  They were awful times when happiness was a distant memory, but something that was craved and prayed for. Life happens . . . we will all have to deal with grief at times in our lives. 

The focus of today's post is grief and the happiness and peace of mind it takes, sapping the energy out like the blood has been drained out of your body.  We all deal with it differently, but it sure can knock the wind out of even the strongest person.

This year will mark the ninth year of suddenly becoming a widow and I can say that I have finally moved on with my life and have found the happiness I was searching for.  I've learned how to be grateful for the beautiful life we shared, but it is not always easy.  Even now, so many years later, I experience those sad days when I miss the awesome friendship we shared.  

The usual trigger days are rough, like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays . . . the sadness of the loss creeps in, but as time goes on, happiness of my present life has shortened the sad time.  However, time does not heal, it merely allows us to cope more effectively.  At least that has been my experience.

The depression and anxiety that grief triggers is unlike anything else and so difficult to explain.  Unless you have gone through it, there is no way to understand the hell that the survivor feels trapped in.  Back in the day, I lost many friends who didn't care enough to understand what I was going through.  It felt as though I was a echo in a canyon . . . absolutely lost, not knowing where to turn . . . with a handful of friends and family who really understood.  

Depression itself holds a certain societal stigma, with outsiders thinking that the person going through it should "just get over it" . . . making the depressed person feel like even less of a person, like a freak of nature, not worthy of happiness and peace of mind.  It is a vicious cycle.  If you are one of those people . . . do the depressed person a favor . . . just don't say anything if you can't be a truly supportive, positive influence on them.  My grandmother had a saying about these type of people . . . they will kick a dead dog when he's down.

Based on my experience, there are a few things I'd like to add . . . get professional help if you are willing to accept the help.  It may sound crude, but rid yourself of those negative people who lack compassion for your situation in life . . . they will only make you feel like a freak . . . and you are not a freak, you are simply a human being going through a rough time in your life, having a difficult time coping.  

Love yourself . . . is so important to know that you are worthy of happiness again . . . give yourself permission to understand what is going on deep inside and analyze how to get yourself out of it.  Figure out what it is that will make you truly happy.  Journaling and writing about it helped me tremendously . . . I learned the questions to ask myself from my therapist, who essentially saved my life.

Having gone through all the stages and phases of grief, depression, anxiety, restlessness, anger and a judgmental society, I can honestly say that you can get through it and find happiness again.  It is attainable . . . really it is.  

Happiness may elude you for a season of time . . . but never lose hope that it will never return, it does.

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When our world falls apart

People are like stained glass windows: 

They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, 

but when the darkness sets in their true 

beauty is revealed only if there is a light within.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Clinging to the Core

When Our World Falls Apart

When it feels as if your world is falling apart,  know at your core that you are a strong being of light.

There are times when our whole world seems to be falling apart around us, and we are not sure what to hold onto anymore. Sometimes our relationships crumble and sometimes it’s our physical environment. At other times, we can’t put our finger on it, but we feel as if all the walls have fallen down around us and we are standing with nothing to lean on, exposed and vulnerable. These are the times in our lives when we are given an opportunity to see where we have established our sense of identity, safety, and well-being. And while it is perfectly natural and part of our process to locate our sense of self in externals, any time those external factors shift, we have an opportunity to rediscover and move closer to our core, which is the only truly safe place to call home.

The core of our being is not affected by the shifting winds of circumstance or subject to the cycles of change that govern physical reality. It is as steady and consistent as the sun, which is why the great mystics and mystical poets often reference the sun in their odes to the self. Like the sun, there are times when our core seems to be inaccessible to us, but this is just a misperception. We know that when the sun goes behind a cloud or sets for the night, it has not disappeared but is simply temporarily out of sight. In the same way, we can trust that our inner core is always shining brightly, even when we cannot quite see it.

We can cling to this core when things around us are falling apart, knowing that an inexhaustible light shines from within ourselves. Times of external darkness can be a great gift in that they provide an opportunity to remember this inner light that shines regardless of the circumstances of our lives. When our external lives begin to come back together, we are able to lean a bit more lightly on the structures we used to call home, knowing more clearly than ever that our true home is that bright sun shining in our core.

Source: Daily OM

"Step on onto the ledge with faith in your heart and you will see that hidden beneath your fear are a fresh pair of wings waiting for you to take flight!" 

- Mastin Kipp, founder of TDL

Source: The Daily Love

It doesn't matter who you are, what your status is in life, how much or how little money you may have . . . there will be times in everyone's life when it feels as our world is falling apart.

The news of the past few weeks have put me in a very anxious state . . . it is the helpless feeling when it comes to world affairs and natural disasters.

Perhaps there is a family matter that seems to be spiraling out of control . . . or maybe it is a health issue that doesn't want to go away no matter how much you would like to "wish it away" . . . it just is and it must be dealt with.

In these times, I personally find it difficult to keep the faith.  However, that faith is what keeps me together and gives me hope that everything will be as it is supposed to be.  I'm a strong believer in fate and destiny . . . so why do I fret over those things I have no control over?  Like world affairs . . .

Hope and faith work together to keep that inner light shining when surrounded by darkness.  It is in those times of darkness that being grateful for those little things that bring joy and happiness is so important.  Being grateful and aware of everything that is good and positive is the fuel that fires hope and faith.

It is so important to not fall 

apart when our world falls apart.

How do you cope with difficult times?

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Make It Happen

"Some people want it to happen, 

some wish it would happen, 

others make it happen."

Michael Jordan

We all want to live our dream . . . 

but we can’t wish to achieve goals and 

get it done just because we want to. 

It is being passionate about our goals, enabling our minds to motivation and action . . . which means breaking old habits that keep the forward motion of getting things done . . . and never give up trying . . . passion breeds persistence.

One thing is certain . . . the goal must have clarity in order to plan the journey to your dream.  Just like a physical journey, knowing how to get there by using a map is often necessary.  More chances than not, you will get lost without that map . . . lost and wandering in the wilderness of the mind.

When the journey’s path is known, plan the journey, replacing those bad habits that keep you going and making the new way the standard way of operating. 

Procrastination is usually the most difficult bad habit to break . . . it is easy “know” that you will “do it tomorrow.”  This behavior of putting off tasks to a later time is merely a coping mechanism for the anxiety associated with whatever the endeavor is.

The really bad thing about procrastination is that putting something off until a later time makes it easy to continue the bad habit of putting it off.  It is a vicious cycle that must be broken, otherwise, your dream will just be a dream . . . put up in a little box in the corner of your mind.

One of the definitions of passion is being affected by something external and acted upon . . . break the habit of letting procrastination influence the passion of the dream, making incremental changes along the way. 

The journey to your dreams

 starts with one step 

of
forward motion that
leads to the next.

Love this quote ~

"You are never given a wish without being

given the power to make it true.

 You may have to work for it, however."

Richard Bach

Make it happen!

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A New Approach

Taking a Break from What You Are Doing

Sometimes we need to step back from what occupies our
minds and take a break much like touching the reset button.

We can get so wrapped up in our thoughts that we wind up going round in round in circles, finding it difficult to concentrate on things and, because we are so distracted, not really accomplishing much. There may be signals—mental, emotional, and physical—that tell us we need to slow down and relax. Since we are so involved in things that are external to us, however, we may easily overlook what is really going on inside of us. It is during these times that we need to step back from the things that occupy our minds and take time out to connect with our inner self, giving our minds, bodies, and spirits the time they need to reenergize and heal.

At first it may seem that by taking a break we may not be as productive as we would initially like. In reality, a healthy period of rest is something that gives us a real sense of the unlimited nature of our true potential. Spending a couple of minutes walking outside, doing a few yoga poses, meditating, or simply becoming attuned to the rising and falling of our breath enables us to let go of our worries. This act brings our focus back to the things that are truly essential for us, such as our sense of oneness with the universe and our inner peace and well-being. As we begin to get in touch with this part of ourselves, we will find that our usual everyday troubles and worries become less critical and that we not only have much more room in our lives to really reflect on the issues that mean the most to us, but we are also able bring to all the situations we encounter a much more positive and healthy outlook.

Giving ourselves respite from our daily concerns is like giving a gift to ourselves. By stepping away from the problems that seem to saturate our thoughts, we lessen the weight of our troubles and instead become more receptive to the wisdom and answers the universe has to offer us.

Source: Daily Om

One of the most difficult things for me is getting rid of emotional baggage. Sometimes I think my mind has played tricks on me and convinced me that this baggage is some kind of award to hold on to with great pride.

This article took me back to an episode of Seinfeld, which finds George disgusted at his life choices and he decides to take a different approach and do the opposite of what his intuition tells him to do.

Clearing the mind of worries and anxieties works for me at times since meditating on them just compounds the stress, making it impossible to think rationally from all the thoughts and "what if" scenarios. Ponderous thinking has to be shut down before it becomes a big ugly monster.

Music and nature hold healing properties for me in the context of chasing away the monster, but there is nothing like serious prayer and trusting God to get me back on track.

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Finding Time for You

Your Most Vital Commitment

Recognizing the importance of "you time" is far easier than finding a place for it in an active, multifaceted lifestyle, however. Even if you find a spot for it in your agenda, you may be dismayed to discover that your thoughts continuously stray into worldly territory.

To make the most of "you time," give yourself enough time on either side of the block of time you plan to spend on yourself to ensure that you do not feel rushed. Consider how you would like to pass the time, forgetting for the moment your obligations and embracing the notion of renewal. You may discover that you are energized by creative pursuits, guided meditation, relaxing activities during which your mind can wander, or modes of expression such as writing.

Even if you have achieved a functioning work-life balance, you may still be neglecting the most important part of that equation: you. "You time" prepares you for the next round of daily life, whether you are poised to immerse yourself in a professional project or chores around the home. It also affords you a unique opportunity to learn about yourself, your needs, and your tolerances in a concrete way.

As unimportant as "you time" can sometimes seem, it truly is crucial to your well being because it ensures that you are never left without the energy to give of yourself.

Source: Daily Om

It occurs to me that my blogging theme for today is anxiety, life balance and relaxing after a period of chaotic and stressful times. Life changes can be swift and stressful, even if the changes are a good thing.

Seems like in the midst of these life changes, I have neglected taking quality time out for myself. My life has been a whirlwind since entering the world of employment after so many years of no routine. I'm still finding my way to a good balance between personal and work time. In the meantime, my days off fly by before I have time to access my personal needs and "me time".

Blogging is a huge part of it for me . . . determining what your quality "me time" is makes a huge difference in anxiety levels, quality of life and life balance itself.

Find time for yourself today . . .

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A Time for Everything

The following article is actually my horoscope for today, but I'm posting it since it applies to every one of us in everyday life. It is all about balance.

There have been times in my life where I let my job take over my life, leaving little time for my personal life and responsibilities. Rather than find the right balance, the result was total burn out and leaving the world of employment.

We can all relate to feeling stressed out about one thing or another. Stress is a natural reaction that can be a good thing if used correctly, however, allowing it to consume you will result in complete overwhelm . . . at least that is how it happens for me.

If you’re preoccupied with your obligations, you may feel stressed today. Your chores, professional duties, and domestic responsibilities may vie for your attention and leave you feeling anxious and tense. Though you may have a lot to do, you’ll likely feel more relaxed and focused if you allow time in your schedule for recreation and the activities you enjoy. If your schedule is quite full or your duties are pressing, you may have only a limited amount of time to put aside thoughts of work and focus on having fun. A game of cards with a coworker or a chat with a friend could restore your equilibrium and help you complete your tasks more efficiently. Including fun in your future agendas could help you commit today to the concept of balance. 

Achieving a life balance that includes both work and play in amounts you find rewarding can help you feel more relaxed. It can be as difficult to concentrate on your obligations while you dream of fun as it is to enjoy yourself when you are fixated on projects and deadlines. 

Taking breaks when you are engrossed in an important task affords you an opportunity to clear your mind of clutter so you can return to your duty with a clear mind. Likewise, giving yourself permission to put aside all thoughts of work allows you to immerse yourself in recreational activities. Finding time for both fun and work today will ensure that you get the most out of both.

Source: The Daily Om

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Awesome connections

The accuracy of my horoscopes have been amazing me . . .

December 17, 2009
Inner Filling
Leo Daily Horoscope

You may have the need to serve others today or want to spend time nurturing or comforting those in need. You might feel frustrated by the suffering you see in the world and want to do something to help, or you could be seeking a deeper sense of fulfillment. While serving others might help you feel more empowered and purposeful, you might also think about turning your attention inward and fostering a sense of fulfillment that comes from who you are and not necessarily what you do. You may want to affirm that you are whole and worthy regardless of what you do today. Service to others is a beautiful act. However, in order to give to others, you must be able to give to yourself.

The more we give ourselves, the more we have to give to the people in our lives. The world reflects our relationship with ourselves. When we have a fulfilling relationship with ourselves, we can serve others more from a place of wholeness and purpose. Instead of feeling that our fulfillment rests on the actions we take each day, we can turn within and concentrate on filling our inner well with peace, fulfillment, and joy. When we feel connected to ourselves and happy, we are better able to serve others with genuine joy and compassion. This allows us to give from the heart, and our sense of fulfillment grows. By developing your own sense of fullness and fulfillment today, you can feel whole and more purposeful while having more to offer others.

Fullness and fulfillment has taken over my life in the form of awesome connections I've made at my new job at a mental health center. For the first time in a very long time, I'm experiencing the joy of Christmas through others.

As I read today's horoscope, I found it very interesting that I was pondering those very things as I relaxed with a cup of hot raspberry tea after an exhausting day of work at the office. The fulfillment has come to me in several forms. It was always my belief that community service and giving of yourself, even when it is seemingly insignificant, could be a humbling and enriching experience.

The clients are very grateful for the kindness of strangers that have become their comfort zone, the special holiday festivities that have begun and the anticipation and appreciation of the little gifts they receive. While some are extremely down and depressed with the coming of the season, many are wearing a festive smile that have replaced a hopeless look. Awesome feeling to see the smiles on those faces!

Anyone who has followed my blogs for any length of time know how I feel about "the holidays" . . . I have dreaded them year after year since my husband passed away. The sullen, depressed faces remind me of looking in the mirror, wanting so much to see a happy face reflecting back at me and longing for a trace of a joyous holiday season.

What I realized today . . . this is the year which is my turning point . . . I have so much to be grateful for . . . I'm finally on the road to a fulfilling and happy life with a purpose and love with the wonderful man I've continued a long distance relationship with.

God has had a purpose for me and has presented it to me in the form of a job that I love so much, working with people who appreciate me, trust me and have given me more than I can ever thank them for . . . the clients and my co-workers. The gift of smiles and wishes for a happy holiday have touched me in so many ways, and are filling those empty spots in my heart.

Reluctantly, I agreed to participate in the "Secret Santa" festivities among my co-workers. The dread filled me this afternoon as I anticipated the break to have a moment exchanging gifts with those co-workers that are fast becoming good friends. Christmas has not been a fun or joyous time for me for the past seven years . . . it has represented the struggle of depression, restlessness and frustration within myself. The dread had nothing to do with my co-workers, it was me.

It is ironic that I am employed in a mental health center . . . psychiatrists, psychotherapists and counselors surround me . . . they have no idea of my "emotional state."

The gift of an awesomely festive moving Santa that rings bells and sings a song of Christmas joy brought out the little girl in me and put a huge smile on my face. I felt a lump in my throat as that little guy put the Christmas spirit in my heart, along with the hug from the woman who picked my name and told me how blessed she felt to have me in the circle of co-workers who truly care for each other like family.

Most of my co-workers have been at their jobs for more than ten years . . . I am the one who is blessed and could never express my happiness at landing a job at this wonderful place where people truly care about others and do it on a daily basis, giving themselves to those unfortunate people who find themselves in a bad place in life and often makes the difference between life and death.

As I make my new awesome connections, my inner self is healing from many years of restless anxiety with life itself, the struggle for survival and fighting my way back to loving the person I am.

The meaning of Christmas is so very different to me this year . . .

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