Moving through Darkness

I'm living proof of
moving through darkness
described in this article!

Often it takes something major to wake us up,
to shake us loose from our ego’s grip as it
struggles to maintain an illusion of control.

In life, most of us want things to go to the places we have envisioned ourselves going. We have plans and visions, some of them divinely inspired, that we want to see through to completion. We want to be happy, successful, and healthy, all of which are perfectly natural and perfectly human. So when life takes us to places we didn’t consciously want to go, we often feel as if something has gone wrong, or we must have made a mistake somewhere along the line, or any number of other disheartening possibilities. This is just life’s way of taking us to a place we need to go for reasons that go deeper than our own ability to reason. These hard knocks and trials are designed to shed light on our unconscious workings and deepen our experience of reality.

Often it takes something major to wake us up, to shake us loose from our ego’s grip as it struggles to maintain an illusion of control. It is loss of control more than anything else that humbles us and enables us to see the big picture. It reminds us that the key to the universe lies in what we do not know, and what we do know is a small fraction of the great mystery in which we live. This awareness softens and lightens us, as we release our resistance to what is. Another gift gleaned from going to these seemingly undesirable places is that, in our response to difficulty, we can see all the patterns and unresolved emotional baggage that stand in the way of our unconditional joyfulness. Joy exists within us independently of whether things go our way or not. And when we don’t feel it, we can trust that we will find it if we are willing to surrender to the situation, moving through it as we move through our difficult feelings.

We can take our inspiration from any fairy tale that finds its central character lost in a dark wood, frightened and alone. We know that the journey through the wood provides its own kind of beauty and richness. On the other side, we will emerge transformed, lighter and brighter, braver and more confident for having moved through that darkness.

Source: Daily Om

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It's Always Something

It's always something

Roseanne Roseannadanna

(Gilda Radner's SNL character)

The following post is from one of my
older blogs that I'm still transferring to this one.

As I was going through some old posts to transfer over, it occurred to me that my life has come full circle . . . and it is a fabulous feeling of accomplishment.

At the time of originally writing this blog post, I was just starting to find myself again after locking myself in the house, never wanting to come out . . . just waiting to die. Little by little the desire to really live again started coming back.

I'm so grateful for the years of journaling and blogging that give me so much insight into myself, understanding where I've been and guide me to the path of my future.

By the way . . . "it's always something" never changes no matter where you are in your life. There is always some little irritation of life to make us grateful for that which is awesome . . . at least that is how I try to perceive "those little somethings" now. 

Originally posted October 8, 2007

Just another day in paradise . . . at least I'm feeling better than I did last night, but not well enough for a job interview . . . I should have known better than to even think about doing that today. My bills are covered and I just need to try to keep myself from drowning and feeling like a part of the human race. So that is my quest for today . . . to pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.

For some reason this morning I was thinking about Gilda Radner's saying as the character on Saturday Night Live, Roseanne Roseannadanna, "It's Always Something."   Isn't it the truth? It is just how we handle that "something" that makes the difference. 

I've seen the changes in me from one year to the next in how I have handled this day . . . to me this is the biggest grief trigger day . . . the "death anniversary". Many of you who are walking in my shoes have mentioned the trigger days . . . and there are many. This is the big one for me.

In some ways I am still in a state of shock over the death of my husband, although I have addressed and readdressed the phase of "acceptance" . . . it is not just losing the most important person in your life . . . it is also the loss of a lifestyle . . . the loss of status quo . . . from that moment on, everything in my life was different . . . everything. 

Through time, little things would come up, almost on a daily basis for a while and it seemed like the constant thing on my mind was "it's always something . . . when will the nightmare end?"

Phases . . . I've been through more than a few. Although the nightmare has not ended for me, I can handle things so much better now. I've walked through that fire and have lived to tell the tale. It is not a manic tale anymore . . . it is life and crap we have to go through that we don't like. We all have our crosses to bear at one time or another. Not one of us will go through this life without a hardship or heartbreak of one kind or another. When I start to feeling bad about my life, I look around and see struggles around me that are much more intense than mine . . . and I'm grateful for what I have been blessed with.

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Leading by example

Often the best way to create change
is not to try to convince others to change,
but to change ourselves.

We all know from experience that we can’t change other people, yet most of us have a tendency to try. This is because we naturally feel the need to do something to change situations that we find troubling. It often doesn’t occur to us that the best way to create change is not to try to convince others to change but to change ourselves. When we make adjustments from within, we become role models for others, and leading by example is much more inspiring than a lecture or an argument.

We sometimes look outside ourselves for what’s wrong with the world, but the outside world is really just a mirror reflecting us back to ourselves. When we encounter negativity—anger, depression, fear—we empower ourselves by looking for its roots inside of ourselves. For example, if you have a friend who is unreliable, observe yourself and notice if there are ways in which you are unreliable. You may be surprised to discover that you have your own struggles with this issue in ways you weren’t able to see. Once you own the issue for yourself, you can begin to work for change within yourself. This will also enable you to have more compassion for your friend. At the very least, as you strive to become more reliable, you will become more of the person you want to be. In the best-case scenario, you will be an inspiration to others.

You can apply the same method to larger issues. For example, if there is something you see in the larger world that you would like to change—let’s say, greed—try taking responsibility for changing it in yourself. Instead of being angry with those you see as greedy, seek out the roots of your own greed and come to terms with your power to transform it. This may be the best way to lead the world toward greater moderation and generosity.

Source: The Daily Om

My mom has a saying that reminds
 me of the above article . . .

"You can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make him drink"

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Finding Time for You

Your Most Vital Commitment

Recognizing the importance of "you time" is far easier than finding a place for it in an active, multifaceted lifestyle, however. Even if you find a spot for it in your agenda, you may be dismayed to discover that your thoughts continuously stray into worldly territory.

To make the most of "you time," give yourself enough time on either side of the block of time you plan to spend on yourself to ensure that you do not feel rushed. Consider how you would like to pass the time, forgetting for the moment your obligations and embracing the notion of renewal. You may discover that you are energized by creative pursuits, guided meditation, relaxing activities during which your mind can wander, or modes of expression such as writing.

Even if you have achieved a functioning work-life balance, you may still be neglecting the most important part of that equation: you. "You time" prepares you for the next round of daily life, whether you are poised to immerse yourself in a professional project or chores around the home. It also affords you a unique opportunity to learn about yourself, your needs, and your tolerances in a concrete way.

As unimportant as "you time" can sometimes seem, it truly is crucial to your well being because it ensures that you are never left without the energy to give of yourself.

Source: Daily Om

It occurs to me that my blogging theme for today is anxiety, life balance and relaxing after a period of chaotic and stressful times. Life changes can be swift and stressful, even if the changes are a good thing.

Seems like in the midst of these life changes, I have neglected taking quality time out for myself. My life has been a whirlwind since entering the world of employment after so many years of no routine. I'm still finding my way to a good balance between personal and work time. In the meantime, my days off fly by before I have time to access my personal needs and "me time".

Blogging is a huge part of it for me . . . determining what your quality "me time" is makes a huge difference in anxiety levels, quality of life and life balance itself.

Find time for yourself today . . .

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Life Changes

We’re always moving into new experiences, new possibilities. This constant change unsettles the personality, which finds security in stability. But with life always in flux, that security is an illusion. We experience pain by trying to hold on to things that are not solid.

Life becomes joyful when we can open to the constant flow and ride freely with it. This requires us to let go of the need to control. We need to learn to trust.

"Can it then be that what we call the ‘self’ is fluid and elastic? It evolves, strikes a different balance with every new breath."

-- Wayne Muller

It doesn't matter where you are in life, changes of all kinds are continuously evolving. There are times when you have to go back to a place a time to really appreciate present life challenges and realize that things aren't as bad as they seem.

The following post written over a year ago found me at my lowest point ever, struggling in every area of my life, standing at the crossroads of life, not knowing where I was going or which path to take . . . all I knew is that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, realizing life would be wonderful again.

It has been a challenging time for me professionally even though I am working at the place that is perfect for me at this time of my life. Nothing is perfect in life all the time . . . no matter what, there will be struggles and challenges to face.

Isn't that the nature of the beast?

The thing to do is know when it is time to recharge the batteries, be grateful for life lessons, look back at other times challenges were faced and know that they were conquered by taking life one step at a time.

Today I am charging my batteries, not feeling well and decided to take the day off to heal. After reading the following post, my batteries have been recharged and I'm ready to face my present day challenges knowing that I can do anything I set my mind to do.

Life is beautiful and I am very grateful for all the gifts that God has blessed me with since my life has drastically changed since the day I wrote the following post.


This post was originally written
12/12/08

Today has found me feeling that unsettled emotion that scares me so badly.

eBay suspended me because of low seller ratings from buyers for two things that they agreed to when they bought items from me . . . high shipping and handling fees and long shipping times . . . both are no secret . . . I'm an honest seller! I clearly disclose those facts. Now my eBay account is locked up until my "seller ratings improve" . . . I can't even edit anything in my store or stop an item from relisting since I have automatic relisting until the item sells on everything.

Through the years eBay has made it increasingly difficult to make money online . . . it was once an awesome way to make money . . . good money. I hate changes and feelings of insecurity.

eBay has been my only means of steady survival . . . something I could fall back on while I am on my job search. All this means is that I'm gonna have to jump at the first job that comes my way instead of finding something that is suited for me. I hate looking for a job while I have a job . . . to me, that is not being loyal. Hopefully I will get some short term work to hold me over until I find what I really want.

Damn eBay . . . I hate them! But . . . haven't I been holding on to something that has not been solid for a while?  I had no idea the economy was gonna go through so many swift changes . . . nobody did!

As the dominoes fall all around the world, I'm not the only one holding on to shaky ground. It seems like the "world society" is bracing for the wildest financial ride of our lives. Very scary . . .

I've done all I can do from my computer as far as the job search goes. Several agencies have contacted me for interviews . . . so . . . I will probably be heading out for my mom's house tomorrow since everything is on her side of town.

Now that I think she understands to stop nagging me because it makes me very depressed to have so much negative energy coming my way, we can have another pleasant visit and I can be on the right side of town where all the awesome jobs are. I don't know what's happened to my part of town lately . . . even the big stores moved out.

I'll spend the balance of the evening packing up my stuff and prepare for another adventure. The ironic part of writing about changes tonight is how I am changing. It seems as though the changes are coming faster, I'm adapting to picking up and leaving the house for days and weeks at a time. There was a time getting in the car to drive to the grocery store was a major problem and someone had to go with me when I did leave.

On some days, finding those little things to be grateful for are difficult to find. It would seem that finding those things today could possibly be impossible, but they are not.

One thing about going through rough times and feeling like you have hit bottom . . . when you pick yourself up and see how far you've come, there is not much in the world that you can be more grateful for . . . other than healthy life itself.

Tonight I am looking back at those times when JR first died . . . I had times of not getting in a vehicle and going anywhere for months . . . years at a time. There was no reason for me to leave . . . JR did all the running around and he was so happy to have me home waiting on him. When he died, I was dysfunctional in so many ways and had to overcome many battles. Tonight I am grateful for those battles.

As I face an ever-increasing financial crisis, I am a stronger person who can almost laugh in the face of fear and struggles . . . I've been at the very bottom and I know I will never be there again. It is just a matter of going through the motions, doing what I've gotta do, keep making those incremental changes in my life.

The first step is finding that job that will make me financially secure, content with my life and find that job satisfaction that totally fulfilled me in the past. OK, so I'll be happy just making enough money to get me by until I find that perfect job for me.

And I do see the light at the end of the tunnel :-)

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Don't take anything for granted

When we are supported by others, expressing gratitude tells the universe that we appreciate our good fortune. When we take the time to reflect upon the countless miracles that happen to assist us, we may notice that the change in our level of awareness will change the quality of our life for the better.

So often in life we tend to take things for granted. We may feel that we haven’t been given everything that we deserve. Reflecting upon the abundance of life, however, helps us develop a keener sense of awareness of our gifts. Thank the universe for its support today, and you will be able to gratefully accept everything that life has to offer you.

Source: Daily Om

I'm happy to be in survival mode . . . and surviving . . .

life could be better, but it could also be much worse.

 I'm grateful! 

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Changing consciousness

Why should we care about raising our consciousness? 

When we set an intention to change and grow, we begin a journey in which we move from coping, to learning and finally, to the enjoyment of living.

Here are some of the shifts we move through:

From dependence on the clock, to charting a direction, to moment-to-moment guidance from intuition.

From doing things right, to doing the right things, to being your true self.

From lack of self discipline to having personal willpower to serving divine will.

From being out of control, to being in control, to trusting and letting go of the need to control.

With each step, we experience greater freedom, fulfillment and joy. Worth going for, don’t you think?

“Every human has four endowments - self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom . . . The power to choose, to respond, to change.” 

Stephen R. Covey

Source: Higher Awareness

Change is never easy, whether it is good or bad, whether we are self-motivated to become the best person we can be . . . for any reason.

Having faith and trust in yourself through the changes helps with any life transition is the greatest way I have found to cope with change.

Although becoming a widow after a long and happy marriage was the most devastating event of my life, the lessons I have since learned about life in general . . . and myself . . . are proving to be invaluable lessons for the rest of my life.

The ultimate freedom in life is being able to roll with the changes and use whatever the situation is for greater good in the future. Life lessons can bring awesome change for the better if we only have faith and trust within ourselves to make good things happen.

Everything happens for a reason!

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Moving on

These are the times in which a genius would wish to live. It is not in the still calm of life, or the repose of a pacific station, that great characters are formed. The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties. Great necessities call out great virtues. When a mind is raised, and animated by scenes that engage the heart, then those qualities which would otherwise lay dormant, wake into life and form the character of the hero and the statesman. 

(Abigail Adams, 1744-1818, wife of John Adams,

 2nd president of the U.S.,

 and mother of John Quincy Adams,

 6th president.)

My "drifting in the wind" routine has changed and I'm feeling as though something is missing since I have taken a break from blogging.
Writing had become a part of my life that I didn't realize was so important until I started a few articles and it all came to me like a comforting gentle breeze on a hot day. Most of my blogs are now private and I'll have to start shuffling things around again. I will never again write a "write for hire" blog . . . it totally disrupted several of my blogs and now I have to start over again.

It has been a month or so of extreme changes in my life. For one thing, I'm seriously engaged in a weight loss program to rid myself of the extra weight I gained when I quit smoking over two years ago. I can't allow it to be a permanent thing, so I've made up my mind to take it off for me.

Yes, I have also made the decision that it is time to have a man in my life . . . not one who lives in my computer and on my phone, but one who can hold me and wake up next to me in the morning.

It is finally time to truly move on with my life.

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Wisdom in waiting

Man, like a bridge was designed to carry the load of the moment, 

not the combined load of a year all at once. 

(William A. Ward)

Still going through a period of adjustment . . . or so it seems. I'm restless as hell and my anxiety level is staying at an all time high. I'm bored, still unemployed, eBay sales are non-existent and I have a long distance love who can't hold me and wipe my tears away. 

I've embraced my solitude to the point to where I know I want a companion . . . there is a difference between want and need . . . I want, don't NEED. Some people enjoy going through life without someone at their side, but it is what brought me the greatest joy in life was sharing my life with another human being that I loved with all my heart and soul. I want that again.

Patience, patience, patience!

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Runaway

There are only two places that I see,
One is strong, and the other one feels so weak,
And this plan feels so strange to me,
It’s all I see, baby

Lyrics from the song
Runaway ~ Nelly Furtado

Life is a series of phases, changes and transitions . . . what makes the difference is our attitude towards life in general and how we approach these changes, whether they be pleasant or unpleasant ones. As I am reorganizing my blog posts around and going through old posts, I can see the different changes in my attitude, my reactions to what is going on in my life and how it affects how I am feeling.

At the time I wrote the following post, August 2007, I realized I was running away from my problems, just waiting to die . . . and since then I started to face them head on, tackling them one at a time.

I have the plan, working on it one day at a time
. . . no more running away!

Just one little change makes such a difference. I have proved it to myself many times, only to return to negative and warped thinking. How many times do we have to slip and fall, make the same mistakes over and over again before we learn?

Hopefully I have and this is a permanent change!

Runaway is one of my favorite songs of all time by one of my favorite singers, Nelly Furtado. This song has had different meaning at various stages in recent past. A powerful song can do that for me . . .

This post was originally written
 and published on August 2007

Running away . . . isn’t that what I’ve been doing? Sure, it’s true that I’ve not gone anywhere . . . in fact, I’ve locked myself in my self-imposed prison and have not left my house since last week. It is what I’ve wanted.

But haven’t I been running away from progress?

“And I know you wanna,

Let it go,

And I know you wanna,

Go with the flow,

But you can’t”

Many forces have been at work
 in the midst of my inner struggle.

Disappointments and disagreements with people in my life . . . my birthday came and went and I never admitted that being one year older has scared the hell out of me . . . future uncertainty with a sketchy plan . . . no real purpose in my life . . . and I’ve recently made a realization that scared me more than anything has scared me in a very long time . . . 

I’m just sitting around waiting to die.

Have I fallen down so many times that even though I go through the motions, in actuality, I’ve given up on life? Like the songs says . . . “and I know you wanna” . . . sure, I wanna this and I wanna that, but I don’t do it. I can’t.

Powerful words . . . “I can’t” . . . tell yourself this enough times and you never will. More than anything, I wanna go with the flow, my mind goes with the flow. It is like I described in another blog and I keep thinking about this analogy . . . it is not a merry-go-round that I can’t get off of that never stops . . .no, I am in the middle of it, the part that doesn’t move, yet the merry-go-round spins around the middle . . . and I can’t get on.

An awesome friend told me tonight that I’m not giving myself permission to move on . . . whatever force it is that is keeping me from doing so . . . guilt . . . fear . . . I’ve been thinking about it since he brought it to my attention. So I run away . . . no wonder this is one of my favorite songs. I can so relate to it . . . I live it daily. But who or what am I running away from? hmmmmm myself? And why? I can almost feel the wings beneath my feet.

The way I write, think and become inspired is very strange. Since I listen to music 24/7, I relate to song lyrics, I can get lost in them . . . but it is also my musical background as a songwriter that takes me to that point of inspiration. Song lyrics are about life, love . . . a tear in someone’s beer.

Tonight I was listening to my Nelly Furtado playlist and this song, Runaway, came on and I thought of the many times that I’ve gotten different meanings from this song. At this moment I’m not facing the things that I need to be doing and running away.

More progress
just from listening to a song
in my bizarre, analytical way 

Runaway | Nelly Furtado

Lyrics:

There are only two places I could go

One is dark, and it feels so hollow

And it lets me in only to swallow

Too much water until i drown, baby

And the other place is calm and sweet

I can almost feel wings beneath my feet

And i don’t care if it feels too deep

I like it, I like it

And I know you wanna

Take a chance

And I know you wanna

Understand me and

Let me in

But you, runaway from what you know

And you, runaway from what you don’t

I don’t wanna wait for you

To change your mind

Don’t take the time

Show me your love tonight

There are only two places that I see

One is strong, and the other one feels so weak

And this plan feels so strange to me

It’s all I see, baby

And i know you wanna

Let it go

And i know you wanna

Flow this love

But you can’t

So you, runaway from what you know

And you, runaway from what you don’t

I don’t wanna wait for you

To change your mind

Don’t take the time

Show me your love tonight, oh yeah, tonight.

All the angels know what i know

You’re an angel that sings to me

It’s the greatest secret of all

I am free from thinking

But you, runaway from what you know

And you, runaway from what you don’t

I don’t wanna wait for you

To change your mind

Don’t take the time

Let’s make love

Don’t runaway from what you know

Don’t runaway, just let it go

I don’t wanna wait for you

To tell me what’s right

Don’t fight it

Let’s make love tonight

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Walk away . . . be true to yourself

I’ve “walked away” many times in my life for the sake of being true to myself. As I contemplate choices for my future, I have been thinking of those many times I’ve thrown caution to the wind in order find true happiness and my ideal quality of life. Since my husband died, quality of life issues have become much more important to me in the scope of a lifetime that can be gone in the blink of an eye.

The last occurrence of walking away was a couple of months ago when I just walked out of a high paying position with a corporation who is still operating profitably in desperate economic times, offering unlimited overtime and all kinds of perks.

After more than a decade of leaving the corporate environment for my sanity, a poor financial state made it necessary for me to attempt another return while vowing to remain true to myself and do those things that don’t make me stressed out.

It didn’t take long before I found myself driving home in tears, feeling overwhelmed and unhappy with the knowledge that jobs are not easy to find these days and thinking about the money.

Two months later, I’m still unemployed and struggling as a once successful internet entrepreneur hanging in there waiting for the economy to bring back buyers to my internet stores. Fear is in control of buyers, including myself. So far I’ve had enough to make it.

Despite the financial obstacles . . . I’M HAPPY because I am doing what I truly love and being true to myself. Hopefully the masquerade of a “real job” is finally over and I can put down the roles that I’ve played unsuccessfully so many times . . . my final curtain call.

The decision has been made to undertake yet another entrepreneurial internet endeavor with a friend. I’m having faith that I can be financially secure and true to myself forever . . . such is the life of a free spirit in search of peace, love and happiness.

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Escape from Paradise

A look back at two different times in recent past where I was transitioning from being a "hermit" to a somewhat "normal" person who was contemplating an escape from Paradise into the real world.  This post was written shortly before returning to the world of a "real job."

Originally posted on April 8, 2008
My goal for 2008 was to turn my life around and find happiness and contentment . . . a purpose. Today the thought occurred to me that while God is throwing signs at me from all directions, I only see the ones that I want to see, not the ones that he intends for me to see. The signs were all there and I even mentioned it in the following post from last year . . . I was being pushed out the door. I needed to ESCAPE FROM PARADISE.

Changes in my lifestyle had to be made since my life circumstances had changed and I had to change with them no matter how much I did not want to. Don't we all hate change? Don't we all have to do things that we don't want to do sometimes in life? I was holding on to a variation of the past that no longer was. God wanted me back out in the real world interacting with real people or else my online business would have continued to thrive as it once did. And I would still drift through time with no schedule, no sleep pattern and no purpose.

I've discovered I have a voice again. For someone functioning "normally" in this world of interacting with people, it is going to sound strange . . . but I would go through periods of total silence not speaking to anyone . . . I spoke through my keyboard, writing in my blogs since I isolated myself from people and became a hermit-like creature living in a cave, never to be seen or heard from in the real world. 
 I remember hearing the story of a man who had died watching television and was not found until a long period of time after he had passed away . . . it scared me that my life would end up like that if I continued in my hermit ways.

Just as 2008 was the year for me to turn my life around, 2007 was the year of realization and discovery for me as I made incremental changes throughout the year, preparing myself for the big change that was to come, not knowing what "it" was.

As I transfer my entries to Blogger, it is another realization to see how far I have progressed in changing my life and knowing that the direction I have taken is the right one for me at this time in my life. It is all so clear to me now, especially after reading the following entry from last year.


Originally posted on January 29, 2007

On occasion I have to do those pesky little things like go to the grocery store and actually leave my house and pry myself away from the computer. And I hate every minute of it!

As I got out in the real world of nice people who turn into demons behind the wheel of a car in traffic and little old ladies who go to the grocery store to socialize and take up the whole aisle, creating a back up for those of us who just want to go in, get what we want and leave, I realized that I actually enjoy and LOVE the solitude of my little world that I call Paradise.

After having a very long, soul searching discussion with my mom, who spent most of the day with me, it was so clear to me. Being home is what makes Gina happy, truly happy . . . making money at home and doing what I want, when I want without depending on anyone for anything. It gave me a new-found determination to make my online business work, even though I have no idea how I will pull that off since it has been dying a torturous death since eBay really started messing with seller fees and making it impossible for anyone to make a profit except for eBay. 

On the other hand, being the type of person I am that sees everything as a "sign", I have seen it as God pushing me out the door to a "real" job so I can get a social life as well as make money. 

The analysis of these signs and

my wants are having a struggle!

In the scope of my world and the things that are tormenting me at the moment, two things loom prominently . . . 1) no one to love and spoil . . . 2) finding a way to make a comfortable living online again . . . otherwise, my life is perfect. Really it is . . . and I live a very simple life where money does not rule my world, so it takes very little for me to be peaceful and content with my life.

The issue of "how am I going to survive" has been the major problem this past year as the online retail market has made drastic changes . . . not for the better. Since my husband died, I made a very comfortable living on eBay selling new and vintage costume jewelry and all of a sudden . . . crash . . . boom! 

Thank God I have many talents and probably would not have a problem finding employment, but I would not be true to myself. I go back and forth on this issue and really hate to make a commitment to a real job feeling this way. My heart has to be in it . . . just like anything in my life. I'm passionate about everything I do . . . nothing is done half way. So . . . committing to a job after being self-employed for over a decade . . . well, not sure if I can handle it to be perfectly honest.

This is another time of rambling and thinking out loud . . . my blog is also the journal my expensive shrink taught me how to keep a long time ago . . . letting everything out, analyze all angles . . . and maybe helping someone else going through the struggle of life changes in the process. It also gives my future soulmate a look into what goes on in my head and will know what he is getting yourself into with me . . . lol. I have nothing to hide! This is the real me with no pretenses or phony baloney stuff. What you see is what you get.

My real life paradise before it became a jungle (a small part of my massive back yard) . . . this is a short term goal . . . tame the jungle a bit so I can regain the sanctuary aspect of my property . . . and I can do it if I don't have to punch a time clock . . .

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The gift of today

There is a saying I’ve heard that yesterday is in the past, tomorrow is the future, but today is a gift, that is why it is called the present.

Having to deal with the sudden death of my spouse has resulted in my belief that although we must be responsible in this life, we also must live for the moment. It isn’t the quantity of years that we live, but the quality of those years we live that truly matter.

Quality of life issues became so important to me when I left the corporate world. When I experienced the difference, all of a sudden money did not matter. What mattered was the joy that freedom brought me. I didn’t realize how crazy chasing more money was making me.

The peace of simple abundance is what mattered, raising the quality of our lives. It was one of the first things that I thought of when JR died, how much it made him happy to have me be a housewife and spoil him. I would never trade those years for all the money in the world . . . those last years of his life were truly quality years for both of us.

Celebrate the gift of today and live for the moment.

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