The sum of your choices

A life without challenges would be like going to school without lessons to learn. Challenges come not to depress or get you down; but to master, and to grow, and unfold your abilities. (Source) - www.pravsworld.com

Acknowledge that you failed, draw your lessons from it, and use it to your advantage to make sure it never happens again.
(Michael Johnson)

It seems like every time something perceived as
 "bad" happens, many of us ask "why?"


A long time ago, I came to the conclusion that everything, good and bad, happens for a reason.  Most of the time there is a lesson to be learned.

It doesn't always seem that way if you have followed my blog for any length of time.  The dark side of me tends to go negative first, then slowly transcends to positive mode after analyzing the situation.  There are times I will nearly drive myself crazy trying to figure out the reason, although there are not always specific reasons, just realizations of life that need to be learned.

Reactions to life circumstances are choices made by our God given gift of free will and intuition. 

All of those choices make up our life.

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Pondering Restless Impatience

“Perhaps there is only one cardinal sin: impatience.
Because of impatience we were driven out of Paradise,
because of impatience we cannot return.”

Auden, W. H.

The noun has 3 meanings:

Meaning #1: a lack of patience; irritation with anything that causes delay
Synonym: restlessness

Meaning #2: a restless desire for change and excitement

Meaning #3: a dislike of anything that causes delay

If I sound like a broken record, it is because the record is stuck on the same song and plays on a continuous loop.  That is what life has felt like since our well water system broke down . . . we are in the midst of Week #4.

What came to mind was a post I wrote many years ago on my birthday.  I had the same restless impatience to get on with my life in a meaningful way, still not completely happy with myself and the progress I had made up to that point.

For totally different reasons, the emotion felt is best described as a "raging sense of powerlessness" . . . in other words, restlessness, anxiety and extreme impatience.  Obviously, from my birthday horoscope thingie on the following post, it is what is to be expected of myself . . . it is written in the stars!

In present time, there are many factors, however, the one that really hits home is "irritation with anything that causes delay".  The only thing that I have wanted to hear these past weeks is that "we have running water again."  

It is a quality of life kind of thing. 

The long awaited words have not come . . . only to be replaced by "well, this latest experiment has not worked."  Actually I could tell from The Captain's face, he didn't need to even say the words.  The poor guy has so much patience, perseverance and faith like I have never seen in my life.  He has been determined to save us a couple thousand dollars or so.

He's my hero! 

My irritation and bad feelings 

have nothing to do with him!

As it turns out, he has figured out what the problem is, we have the money to fix it and in a few days, we should have running water again.  

The changes I have gone through in these few weeks have amazed me.  I have written about them and none too happy with myself for being so impatient.

Having said that . . . my behavior and attitude has been much better than I ever expected for myself.  For me, exceeding my own expectations is an amazing thing since I am always so rough on myself.

Everything in life happens for a reason!

The following post found me with that same feeling since I could see life passing me by as I became another year older . . .

The following post was

 originally published

on August 14, 2008

Ohhhhhhh today I'm feeling the raging sense of powerlessness . . . or is it just in the stars?

Today is my birthday . . . ok, hence the raging sense of powerlessness . . . becoming a year older is not a happy thought as it was when I was a teenager and wanted so bad to be an adult. I'm exhibiting "pewter power" and allowing my silver streaks to show . . . an all too visual reminder of becoming older.

Whatever . . . here is the meaning of my birthdate and there is the gruesome twosome . . . impatience and restlessness . . . 

- August 14 -
You are very independent and fearless. You have a lot of pride in yourself, and have confidence that you can do anything you put your mind to.
Positive Traits: cooperative, versatile, organized, analytical, curious
Negative Traits: impatience, restlessness, rebellious, irresponsible, breaking promises

Maybe it is just a restless desire for change and excitement!
God knows I have earned it . . .
I'm another year older and life is passing me by :(

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Life's moments

When there's something that needs to be done,
give yourself a moment to do it.

When there's a decision that must be made,
give yourself a moment to think it through.

When life demands a response,
give yourself a moment to find the
most positive and meaningful one.

When someone is explaining something to you,
give yourself a moment to truly listen and to understand.

Life is made up of many moments, one right after another. The big outcomes, results and achievements depend on what you do with all those little moments along the way. With each moment you can choose to let it pass or to let it bring you down. Or, you can decide to make good use of that moment with positive purpose, value and love.

How many times have you looked back on your life with regret, and wished you had given yourself a moment to do what could have easily been done? Now is your opportunity to avoid such future regrets by recognizing the great value in each moment.

When life is asking something of you,
give yourself a moment to make it right.

And when you add up all those moments,
you'll find you've made life great.

(Ralph Marston)

Sometimes life's moments have got to be taken in tiny little doses . . . like minutes or seconds at a time, a day at a time or a week at a time . . . whatever is necessary to go through whatever you are going through.

Ralph Marston's writings are so inspirational to me!  Hope you were able to find inspiration in this one as I did.

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The changing ocean tides

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love

Can the child within my heart rise above

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life
lyrics from
Landslide (Barkan Ottaviano Remix) - Fleetwood Mac



Lately I've been on a quest to consolidate all of my personal journals and blogs into this one blog.  It is interesting (to say the least) to go back and see how the mirror in the sky has reflected the changes in my life since I became a widow.  From that day up to present day, happily married to The Captain, life has taken me on quite a journey.
In the past day or so, I've been pouring over my journals at the five year mark of widowhood . . . late 2007/early 2008.  The frustration with myself was intense and changed frequently.  I perceive this phase as my time of awakening.  The anxiety of it all was confusing to the point of feeling like I was about to lose my mind.  The irony is it may have been one of the sanest times of my life.
2008 was the year I finally got a real job after being a retailer for over a decade.  My online stores went from being extremely prosperous to costing me money almost overnight when the economy tanked.  
For the first time since I moved away from my parents' home, I had to worry about money and survival.  Getting a real job meant failure to me since I had finally escaped it after working in the corporate world for so long.  I was no longer my own boss . . . I had lost the freedom that was so precious to me.
The two posts that follow span a few months and opposite perceptions of life, accentuating the confusing times I went through in this phase, knowing I had to make drastic changes that were freaking me out.
I do not consider myself "normal" yet, but I have moved on with my life into a new phase, no longer confused.  I've already been there and done that.  The changes yet to be made includes a partner to help me through the changing tides that guide us into yet another phase of life.


Originally posted on January 5, 2008
The strange thing about life changes is our attitude and perception of them which in turn affects how we handle them and what our reactions are during different phases of life changes.

The following entry was written a few months ago, but my way of thinking has changed in just that short time. Now I see my future as an adventure and don't hate my life as it is. What is so exciting about what I see now is that my possibilities are endless, rather than hopeless.

The sky is the limit . . . my life can be whatever I want it to be.
What an exciting thought to begin the new year with. 


Originally posted on September 28, 2007

The beautiful voice of Stevie Nicks . . . one of my favorite female singers . . . a timeless beauty and an inspiration that we can age gracefully.  Landslide has  been one of my favorite songs. For some reason, I've wanted to hear it over and over again this morning

Maybe it is the featured lyrics that haunt me and have got me to thinking. Changes are a part of life . . . I've never liked changes. I'm the type of person who likes to put my roots down and incrementally perfect my reality, but not drastically change it.

Having said that, I have gone through so many changes in my life and made it through all of them. In retrospect, it seems to me like all the changes in my life have been good ones. I've learned from all of them and I've handled the seasons of my life quite nicely . . . and yes, times have made me bolder and stronger. But JR was by my side when I made those changes, I wasn't alone. It doesn't feel that way at the time though, I'm alone and all of a sudden making changes is scary. Even the little ones.

The recent changes have been many . . . five years has seemed like a lifetime that stood still, but they haven't. When I see my reflection, I don't like what I see and I need to make drastic changes. For the first time in my life, I have so much confusion. I don't like the reflection of an indecisive woman, I'm a decisive person by nature. Is it depression or whatever label "it" is given . . . that strange feeling?

I'm normally one of those people who knows what they want . . . and I'm very detail oriented . . . my dreams have always been in details. But JR's death was such a shock to my system, it knocked me down so hard and even though I've gotten up and fallen down several times already, I'm still feeling strong, but so confused. I still don't know what I want out of life. My life was set, everything was determined in details . . . it included my partner. I was so happy, I never wanted anything to change, our lives were as perfect as life can get.

I keep climbing that mountain and turn around . . . I took my love, took it down . . . God forgive me, but I'm hating my life this morning. I feel so out of control while feeling strong and bold . . . honestly I don't know what I want and it is hard to move forward in this state. The constant theme of my writings have been that I am one of life's contradictions . . . all things at once and they are all having a battle to win.

Will the landslide bring me down before I can  sail through the changing ocean tides? 
Time will tell . . .

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Your true calling

Life ends not when you die, but when you stop believing in your true calling. Your true calling isn't something your friends, parents or lovers want you to become. Your true calling isn't living vicariously through someone else. And most certainly your true calling isn't working just to "make a living" and "get by".

Your true calling is that soft voice within you urging to be creative. Your true calling is your vision of a better life. Your true calling is your Creator whispering to you who you really are.

One day we will all breathe our last breath. The only difference between those of us who will live a fulfilled life in the flow of their true calling and those of us who don't is this: know that you are already dead, die to your fear and give up everything except what whispers to you in the quiet hours.

Follow your vision, do what makes you happy - it is your birthright to live in joy. But it is 100% your choice whether you do or not.

Say no to your fear. Live your true calling. Set sail and don't look back.

Source:  The Daily Love

That soft voice is telling me to get my craft and sewing room cleaned out and organized so I can get on with the next phase of my life!!

The incremental changes I have made since I became a widow so long ago has brought me to where I am today . . . happily remarried and retired with too much time on my hands.  

So much progress!!  Most people would be thrilled to trade places with my life circumstances.

Finding your true calling is what I routinely refer to as following your bliss or finding your authentic self.  

After a lifetime of a fulfilling career and numerous self-employment business ventures, I finally have that chance to sit back and figure out what following my bliss is all about.  

I've pretty much worked all my life to be at this place in life and I honestly don't know what to do with the time, although I am overwhelmed with so much to do.  

Confused?  It really is pretty simple!

What needs to be done will bring me to what I have perceived my true calling is . . . being creative and making money with my imagination.

One little thing gets in the way . . . overwhelm!  Too much time on my hands gives the illusion of having forever to get it done and put it off until "tomorrow" . . . procrastination, another culprit . . . they are partners in crime!

It would be so easy to just get started and do a little bit every day.  But overwhelm and procrastination has taken care of that by stacking boxes in front of the closed door to the room that needs the help.  

Where do the boxes go?  O.M.G., I'll have to clear out another area to make room for them . . . blah, blah, blah and so on and so on!

I need a professional organizer on an extremely frugal budget!!

What amazes me is how an article can attract my attention and inspire me to write about a particular subject, but once I start writing, where it goes is comical!  I've gone from true calling to overwhelm and procrastination!  

This is the way my mind works . . . sometimes a bit too fast, then I get distracted!  I make it so easy for myself to procrastinate . . .

Is it any wonder I have too much time on my hands?

Figuring out the goal . . . my true calling . . . has been the task we have worked on recently.  That was difficult enough since the goal involved both The Captain and I.  Now that is done, we are currently working toward getting there, running into my old buddy procrastination and overwhelm which is like a virtual brick wall.

Which all brings me to a recurring theme of my life and this blog . . . JUST DO IT!  
LOL . . . OK . . . I'll start tomorrow!

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Inside out

There are grateful phases I go through lately that find me so happy I could burst, although I still haven't found my true purpose in life.  In these times, I give God all the glory for taking me through those bad times in my past . . . I had to go through them to arrive at where I am today.  They were stepping stones to my future.

The following post is from one of those bad times.  It occurs to me that this was my "normal" . . . a time of healing, acceptance of where I was in life, feeling "inside out" and lost in time.

This post was originally published on May 31, 2008

It has been one of those nights where it is difficult to concentrate and work although I have a ton of stuff to do. After all this time I know better than to try to force my brain to think and be productive, so I allowed my mind to wander through my email box that is overflowing and do some inspirational reading.

Seems like I always find the right words to complete my thoughts and the emotions that I'm feeling at the right time. I'm feeling so down tonight. Disappointment has reared its ugly head and really bothered me, along with a family situation that really has no resolution. And it also could be I'm spending too much time behind the computer getting my online stuff ready before I make a commitment to another "real" job.

As time heads into the wee hours of the morning, treading on Vamparella territory, I realize that I have succeeded in going back to my old ways before I started working. Drifting in time with no schedule and no discipline . . . just lots of hours behind the computer.

My restless mind tormenting me won't let me settle down long enough to concentrate and focus on writing either. I'm ready to hibernate back to the cave and not come back out until the end of summer. People keep hurting me and I let them . . . I'm inside out.

I found this inspiration writing tonight which made me feel somewhat better . . .

Don't give up

When it hurts so bad, call on Him (God), take a deep breath, and let it out.

I know you're hurting and confused, and you just don't know what to do. You're walking around wondering why your life has been turned inside out. You're trying to figure out why you have to go through all of this hurt and pain. Some things will never be explained.

I know you trusted him and your sister/friend to be there through the good and the bad. When all hell broke out, they were the last people to show you that they cared. That's why God said to put your trust in Him, not man.

The storm won't last forever. Trust me, I've been there before. All you have to do is call on Him (God) and ask Him to help you through it. He loves you, and unlike people, He will never leave or forsake you. You don't have to be ashamed of your past. God forgives and forgets.

Stop allowing the enemy to come into your mind and tell you all of the bad things you've done and said, and how no one cares if you are dead or alive. The devil is a liar!

God has a purpose and a plan for your life. You have to surrender your all to God, and ask Him to be the head of your life. Tell God you need Him to lead and guide you. Ask Him to remove anyone and anything that comes to hinder your walk with Him, and to give you the strength to endure whatever may come your way.

Don't you dare give up!
You have a purpose in life!!!

The key to my being normal again is finding my purpose in this life and it can't be a person. People keep disappointing me. The quality of my life is at zero. I have not been right since JR died and I lost my purpose . . . I can't let that happen to me again. Ironic how I found the right person for me who never disappointed me and God took him from me. God forgive me, I can't stop asking why . . .

I'm so blessed to have gone through that time so I can appreciate what my life is like today.  Heaven sent me another angel . . .

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Reevaluating the path

Since there are usually many paths to the same goal, we would benefit by engaging in periodic reviews of our plans and goals to determine whether we are still proceeding in the best way to accomplish our objectives. This review might provide an insight or idea that we wouldn’t have considered before, and help us to achieve our goals in less time. Reevaluating the path to your goals today can help direct your motivated attitude in the right direction to achieve success. 

Source:  Daily OM

My apologies for the depressing post the other day . . . but it is how I was feeling at the time and I'm committed to being true to myself.  It also means that I won't delete posts that are dark.  Life itself is the good, the bad and the ugly!

It is ironic that I received my Daily OM Newsletter that discussed reevaluating the path the same day. I've thought about it at great length since.

Like anything in life, if the present approach isn't working, try another one. The business management theory of incremental change is one that advocates continual improvement, constantly changing the process.  It is a mindset that I adopted many years ago, applying it to life circumstances.

If you don't succeed at first, try and try again.  Giving up is failure . . . getting up and starting over again if necessary, is not.

When I go into reevaluation mode, I go back to the beginning, back to my first days of becoming a widow.  I was truly lost and thought I had nowhere to go. The journey I've gone through has taken many forks in the road.  Many wrong turns were made!  However, striving toward continual improvement has made the difference.

I'm a proud survivor!

 

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Unresolved issues

My intention was to get back into full swing with blogging again, but I'm still lacking focus and concentration due to all that has gone on with The Captain's surgery, his recovery and life in general.  

Best way I can describe it . . . 

I'm feeling numb.

There are so many unresolved issues buzzing around in my thoughts that I need to sort out and I haven't been able to deal with them.  

Since I quit working, I've not been able to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life professionally.  What would make me happy?  I honestly don't know . . . however, doing nothing has left a void within me that can't be filled by merely being a housewife.  

I'm a doer who hasn't been doing

 and feeling a little lost!

It really isn't about money, except that I have a need to feel like I'm contributing to the household financially.  My dad did a good job drilling the financial contribution thing in my head when I was very young.  He would be disappointed in me . . .

Today would have been my wedding anniversary with JR . . . it is one of those grief trigger days that makes me sad.  It is so ironic to feel this way in the midst of one of my happiest times since The Captain came into my life.  

I'm really happy and other than these emotional issues, my life is as near perfect as I have ever imagined.  

So . . . what's the problem?  

I'm constantly asking myself!

There are so many people out there

 in this world with REAL problems

 and that realization makes

 me feel so guilty!

Needless to say, high anxiety has continued

 to plague me and it feels like depression

 has started to set in again.  

There is a fine line between anxiety and depression . . . sometimes it is difficult to know when one filters into the other.

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Plenty of time?

He promised his son they would camp out all night, 

Get up very early before it was light, 

And go to the lake where the hungry fish bite. 

But he put off the trip for the plan wasn't right. 

After all -- he had plenty of time.

He promised his wife they would soon get away 

For a week, or a night, or just part of a day, 

To rekindle the love they had let go astray. 

But his work for the present left no time for play. 

After all -- he had plenty of time.

He promised his daughter he'd teach her to ski. 

When he bought snow equipment, she shouted with glee. 

Each year as she dreamed that the ski slopes she'd see, 

Her skis gathered dust -- on deaf ears fell her plea. 

After all -- he had plenty of time.

He vowed to his parents he'd visit them more, 

And offer his help with a much needed chore. 

They lovingly looked for his face at the door, 

And grieved when his absence went on as before. 

After all -- he had plenty of time. 

He thought that one day when his life was more slow, 

He'd find a good church where he wanted to go, 

And learn from the Bible the things he should know, 

While talent and goods on the poor he'd bestow. 

After all -- he had plenty of time.

His death came before some folks thought it was due, 

And it shocked all his family, and friends that he knew. 

So they buried him high on a hill with a view, 

To watch through the seasons as life starts anew. 

After all -- he has plenty of time.

By Betty Jo Mings

How many times do you catch yourself saying "I'll start on this or that tomorrow"?  The approach of a new year got me thinking about this since it is always a new beginning, a time of making resolutions for the future . . . a benchmark to start a new project, get healthy . . . as a society, most of us do it ritually.

The realism of lives cut short hit home again for The Captain and me in the past couple of months . . . those people in our lives whose time ran out without warning.

One, a seemingly healthy man in his early 50's got up one morning, washed his boat, came inside to take a shower, collapsed and died of a sudden heart attack.  Just like that his life was over without warning.  Most of his family members didn't even get to say goodbye . . . there wasn't enough time.  A successful man of means whose money couldn't buy him the time to enjoy the fruits of his labor.

Time . . . something we all perceive we have plenty of.

Another . . . a troubled and lost 40-something confirmed bachelor who drifted through life with a free spirit attitude, possessing a lust for life that many of us would envy.  He was a blue-collar construction worker afflicted with pains from an old injury.  His doctor prescribed all the meds he needed for pain management.  After a night of partying on Thanksgiving Eve, he peacefully passed away in his sleep as his mom cooked Thanksgiving dinner in the other room.  Drug overdose . . . he stretched the limits of mixing drugs and alcohol just like so many others do every day.  His time of pushing those limits ran out.

This post is not intended to be morbid or a downer . . . take it as an inspiration to celebrate life to the fullest every single day that you are blessed with.  

The one thing in life that is an absolute . . . 

no one escapes time running out.

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The Awakening

The journey that you are making now is most wonderful. 

It is called human life. 

This life, as you have manifested a body, a career, a dwelling
place, a mate, co-workers, experiences of workshops and
places of gathering, this experience of life is most wonderful,
because you have created it. 

You are creating it moment by moment. 

Enjoy the journey. This lifetime you will never live again.
so make the most of it. Enjoy the journey of this lifetime. 

Allow yourself to come completely truly alive
in this lifetime, to be able to speak to other ones
from the heart, not fearing that you are going to fail
or have some other tragedy befall you.

(Author unknown)

Today is the beginning of a new year . . . the turning of a calendar page that is synonymous with making resolutions and reflecting on life in general.

My focus on the new year is the celebration of life itself . . . concentrating on home and family . . . making this house an awesome home for me and my new husband.

I don't like to make resolutions . . . 

I'm making incremental lifestyle changes!

Happy New Year :)

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Finding the key

"So often time it happens,

 we all live our life in chains,

 and we never even know

 we have the key."

The Eagles, lyrics from the song

"Already Gone"

The possibilities are endless when the realization hits that we hold the key to that ball and chain many of us attach ourselves to.  

Lack of self-esteem and self-confidence is an example of what could be seen as a ball and chain.  Some people confuse the ball and chain as depression . . . it is a fine line.

Life circumstances can get someone to that point and play tricks on the mind.  The thought process turns negative and everything looks impossible.  

However, nothing is impossible when we know we have that key.

In the darkest days of my life, learning how to be grateful for the simplest of things helped me realize so much and put everything into perspective.  Gratefulness was my key.

Do you know what yours is?

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