Don't Settle For Second Best

We wonder why the divorce rate is so high

Why there are so many miserable
people walking this earth

Sometimes it is as simple as making
the mistake of settling for second best

Good things come to those who wait and we
should be absolutely true to ourselves and share
our life with the person who makes us deliriously happy.

Don’t settle for second best

One of my favorite movies of all time is The Bridges of Madison County. Aside from the wildly romantic storyline, it is about settling for second best in your life . . . not being true to yourself, sometimes for the sake of others.

This beautiful love story features Robert Kincaid, a traveling photographer for National Geographic who arrives in Madison County, Iowa to photograph covered bridges. He stops for directions at the home of Francesca Johnson. She is a disillusioned Italian war bride whose husband and children are temporarily out of town. The next four wonderful days awaken a deep, fulfilling love between Robert and Francesca. All too soon, Francesca must make the hardest choice of her life . . . stay in the life she settled for or leave and live happily ever after with the man of her dreams.

Why do people settle for “better than nothing” to begin with? Sooner or later “better . . . the one” will come along . . . and if you settled, like Francesca did in the movie, you are left to live a life of daydreams and wondering “what if” since most people do the honorable thing and stay in a less than happy situation because of obligation and circumstances . . . most often “for the sake of others”.

In the beginning, when there are no children, no husband . . . are we so afraid of being alone that we grab at the first chance that seems like contentment . . . hope it is true love, or will turn into it . . . then come the kids, and ultimately . . . regrets. Why not just wait? Is it the biological clock that is ticking? Everything that is meant to be is in God’s time . . . that is my belief.

My philosophy as far as relationships go is like this . . . commit yourself to someone you have intense chemistry for, someone you know you will never want to take your hands off of, someone who feels that way about you. I’ve blogged about my philosophy before, but it is too important to not say over and over again. Chemistry is the glue that holds two people together. It is not shallow to want this in a relationship. It does not always have to do with physical appearance . . . romantic chemistry is strange that way.

Everything about Robert became erotic to Francesca . . . they had that intense animal attraction chemistry for each other . . . it was electric. When she was with him, she felt like another woman, yet she was more herself than she ever was before. That is how the right one feels . . .

As a spiritual person, I believe in signs . . . if too many obstacles are put in the way of love, it is not meant to be. Impossible situations should be taken as not meant to be . . . love happens even when it is not right . . . sometimes love is not meant to be forever, but for a season and for a specific reason.

What a beautiful movie . . . I was in the mood for that type of story to feed my romantic side.

Those electric chemistry romantic feelings are worth waiting for.

Have you ever had a
Robert or Francesca in your life?

Did you give them up?

Or are you living your dream relationship?

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What is love?

What is your definition of love?

Ask ten people and you will get ten different definitions
since the meaning of love can be perceived from
differing points of view and depending on
the set of emotions.

The word "love" has many connotations.

The focus of this post is romantic love . . .

"When mystics use the word love, they use it very carefully -- in the deeply spiritual sense, where to love is to know; to love is to act. If you really love, from the depths of your Consciousness, that love gives you a native wisdom. You perceive the needs of others intuitively and clearly, with detachment from any personal desires; and you know how to act creatively to meet those needs, dexterously surmounting any obstacle that comes in the way. Such is the immense, driving power of love."

-- Eknath Easwaran

"Therefore, when I say that ‘I love,’ it is not I who love, but in reality Love who acts through me. Love is not so much something I do as something that I am. Love is not a doing but a state of being - a relatedness, a connectedness to another mortal, an identification with her or him that simply flows within me and through me, independent of my intentions or my efforts."

-- Robert A. Johnson

"When you are aware that you are the force that is Life, anything is possible. Miracles happen all the time, because those miracles are performed by the heart. The heart is in direct communion with the human soul, and when the heart speaks, even with the resistance of the head, something inside you changes; your heart opens another heart, and true love is possible."

-- Don Miguel Ruiz

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Intimate attractions and the love vibe

~ You're My Desire | Sarah Connor ~


You know the feeling -- sometimes eyes meet from across a room and you feel that shiver up your spine, those tingling butterflies in the pit of your stomach.

Those intimate attractions can be attributed to something called a love vibe -- distinctive energies that collide, making romantic chemistry. I've felt it, lived it . . . much more than just having a soul mate, it is the most complete feeling ever. 

There is nothing like the "love vibe" . . . romantic chemistry that takes over like a wildfire. Sometimes the unspoken love vibe takes over . . . a communication like a silent embracing of the souls . . . so strong and beautiful . . . in that moment, complete peace takes over and an inner joy consumes me, momentarily taking my breath away. 

Love is worth taking risks. In this life that can be so sad and hateful, love is the only thing worth anything. It is what is pure and innocent, out of control, never to be controlled except from the heart and soul, driven by fate and destiny. Love with no expectations . . . the open hand for the bird to fly away and come back willingly . . . learning to live for the moment and not worry about what the future holds. 

The future has been written anyway . . . no one has anything to say about it . . . it just happens!

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Frequency of abundance

When one feels love and trust that surrounds them one moves
into a frequency of abundance where the knowing that all
their basic needs and more are met. One knows they shall have
whatever they wish for in this life and one truly creates that.




~He's UnBelievable (Radio Version) - Sarah Connor~


Few things in life are perfect . . . and neither are romantic relationships. But even in turbulent times, love enriches my life in so many other ways than not. It is that abundance that really matters . . . it drives me to many positive places.

There is a trust that envelops me when the presence of love is felt . . . a very powerful, all consuming presence that is dynamic and arrogant which sometimes relinquishes my control and wants to take me over . . . "it" surrounds me, leaving me with a peaceful, safe aura where nothing can hurt me.

His voice has the most dynamic rhythmic force I've ever heard . . . like a beautiful song that I want to hear over and over again. The voice that can calm a violent storm or add fuel to a raging fire . . . a contradiction of everything good and evil.

He is the lover I have waited for all these years, the one who has always been there in spirit all this time and will be the lover who consumes my body, soul and spirit . . . a mirror I can look into and see myself . . . never to leave again . . . with a frequency of abundance.

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Miss you . . .

Missing someone will tell you a lot about your relationship . . . if someone is away and you don’t really notice their absence or enjoy your life more . . . that definitely should speak volumes about the state of your relationship.


But if you feel a bit lost and lonely,
that should tell you something else.


Missing someone is a reminder of the important role that this person plays in your life and could also be one of the telltale signs of love. Missing someone is one of those measurements of what’s in your heart.

Do you find yourself separated from that special someone in your life today and your heart aches a bit from missing them? Just smile and know that if they are missing you too, you are very rich indeed and have something that money can’t buy!

Miss you!

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The Thrill of Romance

"When we feel anxious, excited, nervous, and thrilled, we are probably experiencing romance, not love. Romance can be a lot of fun as long as we do not try to make too much of it.

Romance may lead to love, but it may also fade without blossoming into anything more than a flirtation. If we cling to it and try to make it more, we might find ourselves pining for a fantasy, or worse, stuck in a relationship that was never meant to last."

Source: The Daily Om



Do you remember a time in your life

 when romance led to love?

Can you tell the difference?

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Love and miracles

Where there is great love there are always miracles.

Willa Cather



The lyrics of a popular song proclaims love can move mountains . . . "there isn't a mountain high enough to keep me from you." In reality we know that love can't move a mountain, however, mountains are seen as obstacles . . . easily removed by love . . . sometimes not so easily, yet possible. In my opinion, the emotion of love is the most powerful force in the world . . . where there is love, anything is possible.

True love in itself is a miracle. How many people live this life and never find true love? It has surprised me in the years of writing about love and romance to find the number of people who have not experienced love in the true sense of the word.

The revelation of those staggering numbers of people who have never experienced true love made me so grateful that I found that true love, even though I am now a widow, but nevertheless, I experienced that magical emotion for over two decades. It is ironic that human nature allows us to not know what we have until we lose it . . . and when we find it again, we recognize it . . . and truly appreciate it for the miracle that true love really is.

It is amazing how one small gesture from the one we love can make a bad day almost disappear . . . a kiss can magically make hurts less painful. Taking a line from another popular song, "I've got sunshine on a cloudy day" . . . love can provide these miracles . . . or so it seems at the time.

True love is beautiful and everlasting . . . and goes beyond til death do us part.

I'm blessed that I have found it again!

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Constant craving

Even through the darkest phase
Be it thick or thin
Always someone marches brave
Here beneath my skin

Constant craving
Has always been

Maybe a great magnet pulls
All souls towards truth
Or maybe it is life itself
That feeds wisdom
To its youth

Constant craving
Has always been

Lyrics from the song

Constant Craving
K.D. Lang

I’ve mentioned that I have not really moved on in a meaningful relationship since my husband passed away although I have found “love” online and went through the resurrection of my “first love”. In all cases of "potential relationships" I have kept them FAR away . . . where they are safe, where I thought they could not hurt me . . . but they did anyway.

As I’m currently in the midst of the phase where I am truly “embracing my solitude” and have actually accepted the fact that I can be happy living the rest of my life alone, never to find love again . . . sometimes feeling I am better off . . . especially after going through old journal entries and feeling the “pain of the relationship struggle” again.

Above all, there is nothing worse than the feeling of constant craving, as I was feeling in this journal entry from last year . . . sometimes we need reminders, huh?

 

Originally published sometime in 2008

As I’ve drifted through my meaningless life the past couple of days, feeling like I’ve hit rock bottom and ready to emerge from the ashes of nothingness, I have been trying a form of self-hypnosis as when I quit smoking.

The constant craving has got to stop . . . it is driving me crazy. I can’t take anymore. Tonight my attitude has flip flopped from even last night . . . I don’t want to feel love, I don’t want to have feelings for anyone, I want to love myself, depend on myself, be happy by myself . . . go back to the “embrace my solitude” mentality, but not just for now . . . forever.

Maybe it is because I have given my heart away and had it broken. I’m scared it is going to happen again. The constant craving draws me back. It is just boredom and I need to change that part of my life.

Before I met JR, I was hurt so badly that I never wanted to feel love again, but I did . . . at first, it was in the form of embracing my solitude and loving my life and having a satisfying and fun job. When I met JR, he chased me relentlessly because I really didn’t want to be bothered, but he was determined to win my heart. I fought him just because I didn’t want to feel love again, which I related to pain.

It is time for the constant craving to go away and for me to find happiness in the real world and forgetting about love from another human being. The roller coaster ride of up and down and back and forth has got to stop.


It has been approximately a year since that entry was written and I am very happy to say that the “constant craving” is under control . . . the roller coaster ride stopped, although I do get periodic cravings.

Having said all of the above . . . never say never . . . another lesson I have learned in life!

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Perfect love

Although I rarely have a problem putting anything into words, defining what perfect love is to me would be very difficult.

Besides, someone already did it for me.

The song If Thats Love by Laura Pausini is one of my favorite songs ever.  It perfectly describes my perfect vision of love.

Although I have been lucky to have found love several times in my life, I can honestly say that I have experienced this kind of perfect love once with my husband. He always used to tell me that he could not ever see himself anywhere else but with me. If you can say these words to each other, you have an important aspect of perfect love.

“But if you say you’ve finally found in me
The only place that you could ever be
If that’s love then you’ve got my heart”

Have you ever had a relationship with someone who had a wandering eye for every person of the opposite sex and would practically get whiplash to check them out right in front of you . . . then say “what . . . can’t I look?” A womanizer gets nipped in the bud before I can develop an attachment . . . that drives me crazy! I want to feel the above lyrics . . . and it has nothing to do with trust . . . it has to do with respect for your feelings.

One of my pet peeves is someone who claims they love you just the way you are and then tries to change you into something you are not. This is the one single thing that has ended many a relationship for me. I must be true to myself . . . that doesn’t mean turning myself inside out for a man. Real love is loving the other person just the way they are.

“If I have to let go of my dreams
Become someone I never ever thought I’d be
If that’s love then I want no part.”

Those are some of my opinions about perfect love . . . of course I have many more . . . but for now I wanted to hit on the most important aspects for me.

What about you?

What are your expectations of perfect love?

Lyrics

If you’re gonna break my heart and leave

Make promises you don’t intend to keep

If that’s love then I want no part.

But if you think that love should last for life

If you believe it’s more than just one night

If that’s love then you’ve got my heart.

And if you’d rather hold on to your pride

Than wipe away the tears you made me cry

If that’s love then I want no part.

But if you’re gonna be there when I need

Someone to just hold me tenderly

If that’s love then you’ve got my heart.

If the kinda love that you bring

Comes with no demands and no strings

If in your eyes I see for sure

That you’re the one I’m waiting for

I’ll give my heart, my soul, my everything.

If I have to let go of my dreams

Become someone I never ever thought I’d be

If that’s love then I want no part.

But if you’re gonna be the kinda man

Who’s willing just to take me as I am

If that’s love then you’ve got my heart.

Tell me in your arms I’ll be safe

Where loneliness and fear have no place

The only thing you have to do

The only thing I ask of you

Is give your heart, your soul, and your everything.

And if you cannot give these things to me

Then I just have to tell you honestly

If that’s love then I want no part.

But if you say you’ve finally found in me

The only place that you could ever be

If that’s love then you’ve got my heart

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Life For Rent

Although I have realized that I have gone through tremendous positive changes in my life, during this time of contemplation, transferring old blog entries around and revisiting old thoughts, it occurs to me that many of my old revelations from the past couple of years could have been made today. Moving ahead, yet standing still.

This thought process marks a very important revelation about my romantic choices. I continue the same ones over and over again . . . actually the same two guys . . . I moved from one to another, same type of situation yet different. The underlying theme is the same . . . the unattainable.

Maybe it is the unconscious effort, the trait of a widow, to not move on since they were both long distance relationships?

I’m haunted by the empty feeling of the
“echo in a canyon”
but isn’t that what I have chosen for myself?

The answer is yes . . . for now

Another one of life’s revelations in a song . . . my interpretation is about attitude and the way we look at life . . . as it relates to my life. Aren’t we all afraid to fail? Although this is the first time in my life that I’ve been afraid to try . . . that is difficult to admit . . . sometimes it is easier to be alone.

Has there been a time when
 relationships scared you?

Have you ever lived 
“Life For Rent”?

Life for Rent | Dido
LYRICS

I haven’t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I’m not in love
But it’s not as if I mind
that your heart ain’t exactly breaking

It’s just a thought, only a thought
But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I’ve always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what’s happened to that dream
Cos there’s really nothing left here to stop me

It’s just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
Well how can I say I’m alive

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

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Forbidden Love

“Just one look from your eyes was 
like a certain kind of torture”

lyrics from Forbidden Love by Madonna

Is forbidden love more exciting because
it is something you are not supposed to have?

Is it the human characteristic of wanting
what you can’t have that makes it exciting?

It was the beginning of my brother’s little league baseball season and I was barely a teenager. Sure, I had already noticed the boys at school . . . but this guy was different. WAY OLDER AND FORBIDDEN . . .

He was one of the coaches, his son played on the league and was probably the age of my parents. Be still my heart, I still think about that man . . . he was my first real attraction other than Paul McCartney who was my first love if you count rock stars.

No one knew about the huge crush I had on this man . . . except for my mom. She noticed it the first day of the season when I first met him . . . mom and I had “the talk”. LOL . . . we have talked about it recently and had a good laugh, but she tells me at the time, she was secretly freaking out about this.

My mom tells me every woman at the park had a secret crush on that man, he was GORGEOUS like a movie star with dark hair and eyes. The first real “Mr. Dreamy” of my life. I’ve often wondered why . . .

My theory has something to do with “forbidden love” . . . this was way forbidden and totally impossible . . . a larger than life fantasy built up in my mind . . . which brings me to the topic of fantasy vs forbidden love. Big difference in some cases . . . in my case, it was innocently both.

Fantasy in most cases is just that . . . something built up in the mind, while forbidden love is usually dangerous.

When I think of forbidden love, an affair with at least one party belonging to someone else is what comes to mind. However, as in the case of Romeo and Juliet, the most romantic story of forbidden love that I can think of at the moment, the problem was who they were, the family they were each born into. Forbidden love can also be a rich man/poor man thing that society imposes on someone like real life princes and princesses.

All this came from listening to music from Madonna . . . music is so amazing for me, it takes me all over the place, driving my thoughts to the weirdest places like a little league season as I discovered love and desire for the first time.

Hasn’t forbidden love tortured all

 of us at one time or another?

“Forbidden Love”
Madonna
Lyrics

Just one kiss on my lips
Was all it took to seal the future
Just one look from your eyes
Was like a certain kind of torture

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl

Just one touch from your hands
Was all it took to make me falter

Forbidden love
Are we supposed to be together
Forbidden love
Forbidden love
Forbidden love
We seal the destiny forever
Forbidden love
Forbidden love

Just one smile on your face
Was all it took to change my fortune
Just one word from your mouth
Was all I needed to be certain

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl
Hearts that intertwine
They lived in a different kind of world

Just one kiss
Just one touch
Just one look

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A new years resolution

I’m alive again with the imaginary “new beginning” that a new year brings, along with a new challenge, standing on my own two feet, no longer complacent with money in the bank to keep me a hermit . . . no longer JR’s wife living in the past as if waiting to hear the sound of his keys unlocking the door, coming home from a day at work. One of my New Year resolutions . . . put the past behind me and I made a big step toward that at the first of the year.

Time to truly live again.

Although I am still wearing the gold chain he wore, his wedding ring has joined my wedding rings in a safe place and no longer on the gold chain. I’ll never forget him and the beautiful life we shared, but he is gone and it is finally time to move on. I’m grateful every day that his presence in my life gives me hope that there are still good guys in this world and they are supposed to be difficult to find because they are like treasures.

It was one of the most emotional decisions I have made in a very long time. I thought about it as new year resolutions were on my mind, as usual in December. The difficulty was breaking a promise to JR . . . to wear the gold chain with his wedding ring around my neck until my new soulmate would take it off. At the time I told him to not even talk of such things, but he had to take off his jewelry as he settled in at the hospital emergency room which led us into that conversation.

He passed away the following morning.

In six years, I took it off once to take x-rays and that was after begging them to not make me take it off. It was an obsession and I was haunted by the fact that I briefly took it off, feeling that I would be punished for breaking the promise. Tears filled my eyes as I took off the chain.

What I didn’t realize is that the promise has haunted me . . . a reminder that I remain alone in life without a partner, waiting to fulfill the ceremonial changing of my love loyalty. It has tormented me as I have replayed that time in the emergency room when the thought of another man was the furthest thing from my mind.

He’s gone . . . never coming back . . . the emotional tie became so psychological as time has passed . . . I would catch myself playing with it, putting it on my finger . . . a nervous habit which accelerated when I quit smoking . . . too much of a symbolic tie to him. I was holding on as if my life depended on it . . . subconsciously waiting for him to come back. I had to finally let go and take it off as the new year began, fulfilling one of my new year resolutions. Now I feel completely free and at peace to move on with my life.

Perhaps I will never move on, finding love again and living happily ever after with a new soulmate, rather finding fulfillment in work, hobbies and just enjoying what life has to offer. My faith in God’s destiny for me has to do with finding peace, love and happiness with my life . . . not necessarily another soulmate.

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Unconditional love

Unconditional love is a concept that means showing love towards someone regardless of his or her actions or beliefs. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships. It has also been used in a religious context to describe God’s love for mankind.

When my husband died, I was left with an overwhelming feeling of unconditional love that will never fade away, it will never die and no one will ever be able to take it away from me. It is the most beautiful gift anyone has ever given me and I will cherish it and take care of those memories for as long as I live, no matter what happens or who I spend the rest of my life with. His love for me is part of who I am and one reason I am such a hopeless romantic . . . I felt it and lived it.

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Love yourself first

My romantic experiences of the past couple of years have taught me the valuable lesson of loving yourself first.  Desire alone can make you crazy and a shell of a person.

Even in my wonderful married relationship . . . I was lost in my status as part of a couple, not an individual whose life was being enhanced by a wonderful partner. The result was devastation and the feeling of being lost and alone in a cold world when he died.

For the first time since JR died, I am feeling empowered and content being alone with no prospect of a future partner to share my life with. Finally, my future is not to be feared, rather eagerly anticipated . . . a new adventure.

All because I love myself now . . . I have accepted myself, even with my many flaws. It has taken me six years to get to this place in life. No longer do I beat myself up because I am alone and have not found the one God chose for me. (I still have my bad moments though.) The chosen one will accept me and love me as I am at any moment when the time is right . . . if there is another one chosen for me.

A loving relationship should not be an exhaustive effort to conform, rather it should be a breathless excitement that feels awesome from both sides just because you are both yourselves and the butterflies in your stomach are for that reason, not because of who either of you will be in the future. If you have to change to make the other person happy, you end up letting yourself down for allowing yourself to do so . . . even if you wanted to make those changes to begin with.

Do it for yourself . . . dump the ones who will never make you happy since you never know when that bar is gonna get raised again. A no-win romantic situation is not healthy. Love yourself enough to recognize the “right one”.

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What is love?

Love is patient, Love is kind,

It does not envy, it does not boast,

It is not proud, It is not rude,

It is not self-seeking,

It is not easily angered,

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,

but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,

hopes all things, endures all things.

L o v e N e v e r E n d s

L o v e N e v e r F a i l s

Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8

It is my favorite interpretation of perfect love and my favorite passage from the Bible . . . in my opinion, the most beautiful words ever written.

Love is a many splendored thing with a range of meanings as deep as the ocean . . . all beautiful since love is the most important emotion there is.

There is romantic love which transforms an otherwise normal woman into feeling like the queen of the world. Romantic love manifests itself into passionate ”forever love” . . . being a part of another person, facing life together as partners, experiencing good times and bad supporting each other . . . the end of loneliness, the end of fear of being alone, security, the sense of belonging and the awesome feeling of the caring and nurturing of another person. Finding true, forever love with another human being is the most beautiful thing that can happen in anyone’s life. That just touches on the romantic side of love.

Then there is the nurturing part of love as in the love of a child or the love . . . the love of a favorite thing, as in the love of music.

All types of love change with intensity and the passing of time takes love through differing stages. The exploration of love is my favorite journey through peace, love and happiness . . . to be continued.

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