Here With Me

It has been a while, but I recall writing about my frying pan moments.

When we experience loss in our lives, what is left are memories.  Sometimes an object with no monetary value holds a precious memory of a moment in time.

"I don't want to move a thing . . . it might change my memory . . . " lyrics from the song Here With Me by Dido has been haunting me the past few weeks.

Since Hurricane Irma dropped a tree on our house back in September of last year, I have not been back home.  The house is being repaired and the amount of time it is taking has been quite annoying, but the house will be ready sometime soon.  It was such a happy house with so many wonderful memories.  

I'm so scared that my memories have changed . . . I really don't know.  I wonder how it will affect me if I can't feel those happy memories anymore in the newly repaired house.

There have been times since JR passed away that are perfectly depicted with those lyrics.  There were things that I didn't move for a really long time.  Some things were never moved.  They are just things many will say until that time presents itself in their lives and then they will understand the importance of changing memories.

Moments in time are so precious and some stay with us our whole life.  Those things associated with that time are so very special.  You can pick it up, touch it, feel the memory . . . relive it and for a moment, you were there again.

JR and I loved going to the flea market on the weekends.  Those silly little trinkets that we picked up, such as kitchen items like a glass dip bowl that take me back to that moment in time when it was purchased. I could pick up that bowl and it would give me the exact moment when I first picked it up and it takes me back.  I could even recall the smell that musty little shop where it was purchased.  

You may think what I am describing is a bit dramatic, but when that little bowl was dropped, I was devastated.  The magic and memories of that moment in time will never be the same.  It is difficult to explain!

Today I am talking about a whole house.  That tree which caused so much destruction had so much to do with why we fell in love with that house to begin with.  The huge oak tree is now gone, large pieces of it taken off the house and what was left of it was cut down to the ground and taken away like trash.  It will never be here with me again, just like JR never will be here with me.  And that is just one thing . . .

Grief can really twist us inside out with the emotions it takes us through!

The time is near for me to return to clean up the inside mess and once again make it a home and I am scared to death . . . 

Where do I direct these frying pan moments?  I haven't figured that one out yet and it takes me to some strange places in my mind.  This too shall pass . . .

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Trouble creates a capacity to handle it…meet it as a friend, for you’ll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it.

OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES

Trouble is no friend of mine!  That gator has been the closest to a friend that I've seen.  He's hungry and snapping at me constantly.  There are no speaking terms between us . . . he doesn't listen when I tell him to just go away.

The quote implies that the more trouble you encounter, you become somewhat immune to it, like a normal occurrence.

The more trouble, the more you can put up with it?

Noooooooooooooooo!  Trouble will never be my friend.  At this moment in time, my tolerance level is saturated and can't take any more trouble and/or bad news.

Today I'm thinking positive.  The last bit of work needed to pass the home inspection for insurance is being dealt with today.  The first guy who came out was outrageously expensive and a total scam artist.  But I'm still being positive that one of the three plumbers left to give us a quote is honest.  We don't mind paying a reasonable price for a job that needs to be done.

So, with that thought in mind, I am headed for the outdoors to unwind and enjoy nature.  Nature is my friend!

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Waves of Depression

Since Hurricane Irma dropped a tree on our house back in September, the waves of depression I have been riding seem to have gotten the best of me.  I haven't been home since September the fact that it is still uninhabitable is breaking my heart . . . I want to go home!
We are still jumping through all the hoops in order to obtain the SBA Disaster Loan we have been approved for.  The problem is qualifying for insurance in the midst of rebuilding.  Hopefully, we are in the last stages and we can finally qualify so we can get the money to finish.
Everything happens for a reason, I know it, but sometimes it is way too much to handle emotionally.  So . . . that is where I have been and can't really write about it.  I hope to return to blogging soon . . . it is my hope to help others, not bring everyone down!
Prayers are appreciated!

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Bitterness and Anger

"When we acknowledge that it is okay to feel bitter, we reconnect with our hurt in a constructive way and can begin the process of working through it."

An excerpt from an article on The Daily Om entitled "Bitterness" . . . the article follows this post.  Visit their website for awesome life insight!

The article on bitterness really hit home for me.  The Captain and I are still living at my mom's house since Hurricane Irma dropped a tree on our now uninhabitable home.

Our patience with government assistance, bureaucracy and endless red tape has worn extremely thin.  Although we were finally approved for SBA disaster assistance, they made a mistake and just when we thought the money would be in the bank within days, the phone call came informing us of a mistake they made which would prolong the process another two months.   

So we continue to wait . . . at least we were able to get the tree off the house with FEMA assistance.  However, cracked rafters make it unsafe to be under that roof that could collapse at any time.  I have not been back home since the hurricane.

Before I go further into this post, I want to mention how grateful I am for my mom, who is putting up with our little quirks and a major disruption in her life.

I'm so grateful for the assistance we have received from FEMA and the SBA.  What would we have done without them?  

Aside from being so thankful and grateful for our many blessings, I have crept into the clutches of bitterness and anger.  I just want to go home!  Every time we think it is almost over, we run into another obstacle.  It has been unbelievable!

The disasters of last summer with the unusual hurricane devastation way beyond normal left the government with more than they could handle.  There are many other families still forced out of their homes after almost six months of experiencing the reality of becoming homeless.  Puerto Rico is still enduring the devastating situation as if it happened yesterday with no end in sight.  No matter how temporary the situation is, maintaining long term patience and a good attitude is almost impossible.  Bitterness is inevitable for even the most normal person.

There are times that bitterness and anger are necessary to keep going.  Human nature is to wonder "why me" and it is emotionally healthy to let yourself experience the horrible feelings in order to deal with it.  It doesn't help to sweep anything unpleasant under the rug like it doesn't exist.

The Captain and I are just taking one day at a time with as much optimism we can collect to carry to another day.  We know that this too shall pass . . .

Bitterness

BY MADISYN TAYLOR Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims, in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing. It is natural to feel resentment or anger when life does not unfold as expected. We consciously or unconsciously anticipated one experience, and we grieve for the loss of it when the universe puts something else in our path. Most of the time, we work through these feelings and they pass. Occasionally, our anger and resentment do not fade and are instead transformed into bitterness. Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing and choose instead to identify with our pain. Yet as unwholesome as bitterness can be, it is also a natural element of our emotional palette. When we acknowledge that it is okay to feel bitter, we reconnect with our hurt in a constructive way and can begin the process of working through it. The nature of bitterness is rooted in the fact that the pain we feel provides us with a rationale. We may feel that we deserve to embrace our bitterness to its full extent. And to be bitter is, in essence, to cut ourselves off from all that is positive, hardening our hearts and vowing never to let go of our hurt. But just as bitter feelings can be self-defeating, so too can the release of bitterness be life-affirming in a way that few other emotional experiences are. When we decide that we no longer want to be bitter, we are reborn into a world filled with delight and fulfillment unlike any we knew while in the clutches of bitterness. The veil it cast over our lives is lifted, letting light and warmth touch our souls. Divesting yourself of bitter feelings can be as simple as truly forgiving and moving on. Even when your bitterness has no concrete object, you can forgive situations too. Healing pain can be challenging but may be easier if you remind yourself that you are the only entity truly affected by your emotional state. In time, you will discover that letting go of your bitterness frees you to initiate the healing process and allows you to once again celebrate the possibility of the more wonderful life you deserve. Source:  The Daily Om . . . one of my favorite websites!

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Endings Become Beginnings

"Endings became beginnings without my expressed permission. ‘Take that’, it said."

Excerpt from "A Widows Dream" which is included in this post 

Surviving the loss of a spouse is an emotional journey.  The quote I opened this post with tells it all.  Endings become beginnings.

The Christmas holidays always take me on nostalgic trips to my past, some good, some bad.

For those who have lost a spouse, I highly recommend following The Modern Widows Club.  Through the years, it has been a source of comfort.  There is something about reading about the experiences and thoughts of other widows.

Other widows have experienced many of the highs and lows one goes through when a spouse passes on.  The person you made a lifetime commitment to is gone, never to return.  When I think about what I have experienced, it still takes my breath away.

To say when JR first died that I was scared is an understatement.  For me, it was total shock . . . it was a fear that came in waves of disbelief, like it was a nightmare I just needed to wake up from.  

He was seemingly healthy, came home from work one night, ended up in the emergency room with chest pains and died the next morning.  I didn't get to say goodbye.  

He had barely entered his 40's . . . 

It was like a tornado came through and swept me away to parts unknown.

The first days were almost unbearable and I had a very difficult time getting my grip on life back.  Sometimes I think I never got it back completely even though I have moved on with a very happy life with The Captain.

Endings do become beginnings and life CAN be happy again, but not without a lot of pain along the way.  It is a journey of courage to begin life again, whether you were ready for it or not.  Trigger days still haunt me, creeping up on me when I think I have my emotions under control and least expect it.

I started this blog to share my experience with other widows and those grieving loved ones.  

Grief is like a thief in the night.  

Only those who have truly gone through it understand what I'm saying.

The following post hit so close like nothing I've ever read before.  I know other widows will find themselves in the words that follow . . .

A Widow’s Dream

- Despite what you might think, I haven’t lost all my dreams.

- Although the biggest dream I had was to grow old, crazy in love, to laugh away the hours seated beside each other in two cozy rocking chairs.

- When you lose your dreams, it’s gut wrenching. It’s a ship without a harbor. Hear me out.

- When someone dies who is tethered to your dreams, it’s god-forsakenly unfathomable.

- It takes your very breath away, the wind out of your sails and the simplest joy out of life.

- It stuns and shocks. It stumbles and falls. It’s silent and it screams.

- Endings became beginnings without my expressed permission. ‘Take that’, it said.

- It beckons me to question everything and nothing. It makes no sense.

- It’s the hardest medicine to swallow for what ails my tender broken heart.

- Dreams are made for the future, and our future just completed its circle of life. 

- New dreams and circles begin as a white sheet, a never ending road, a blank chalk board, a flowing river, a narrow trail or an empty computer screen. 

- It’s a reset I resent. It’s a grudge I must face. It’s a new I dislike. Oh, it’s so very true.

- But it’s also a doorway, a threshold, a chapter, a page, a new me opportunity. A curiosity.

- That new me dream lurks in front of me without a hint of forecast, certainty, direction or knowing. 

- I’m scared. Oh my gosh, I actually said that. I thought I knew where I was headed but now….

- Everything I once knew for sure is no longer. Dreams feel far, far away at the edge of existence and yet, I know they are somehow entangled in this first courageous push away from the shore of my unfulfilled dreams. 

- I must take into the future a dream of my own, a blank space to be filled with…..something, somewhere, someone, somehow, someway.

- I will use all my determination, commitment, resilience, creativity, consciousness, knowledge, heart, kindness and humble energy to take me there. I’ll also use my anger, bitterness, grief, uncertainty, negativity and I’ll turn it ALL into fuel that propels my journey.

- It’s all fuel. It’s all me. It’s all good. It’s here to teach me that dreams are for the seaworthy. 

- I will not allow grief and a lost dream to keep me tied onto the shore of my beautiful past.

- That is a promise I intend to keep. A link I plan to create. An empowering link- not to an anchor of my lost dream, but as a resilient vessel moored to the possibility of ‘new me’ dreams on the horizon.


Please be extra patient with me as I set outward bound on this journey sunrise to sunset. I’m getting there. Especially during these holidays, which are unchartered territory for me.

Carolyn Moor
MWC Founder
http://modernwidowsclub.org

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What Not To Say

Those close to us mean well, but when depression hits, there are certain things not to say to a depressed person . . . it is not helpful!

I found an article on the subject of what not to say . . . click here for the entire article.  The following quotation is an excerpt from the article on one of the most irritating things I don't want to hear when I'm really feeling down . . .

Number 3 on the list (and closely follows "just get over it") . . .

Leave Your House and You'll Feel Better

"Being depressed at home is bad. But being depressed in public is worse. It's like taking a job where you're supposed to know how to speak fluent Mandarin, and then starting that job even though you actually don't know a word. Sometimes it's better to let the sadness pass surrounded by the comforts of familiar surroundings."

Imagine the feeling of getting ready to jump off a plane without a parachute!

Apparently, some people (whom I am convinced are not going through depression and possibly never have) feel better when they escape the confines of their home and get out in the midst of other people.   I think they just enjoy being "out" and become bored if they stay home for too long.  I've heard it referred to as going "stir crazy," but they are NOT experiencing depression.

Bless their hearts, they are just trying to help and being around a loved one going through depression will leave one feeling helpless and hopeless.  Instead of making the depressed person feel better, they end up becoming angry since the afflicted one won't comply with their wishes (especially the one about getting out) and end up leaving them feeling like a freak of nature.  

It is a bad situation all the way around, the well meaning person ends up angry, helpless and hopeless . . . that is an important fact to remember when trying to "help."

In my case, it is not that I enjoy wallowing in self-pity . . . I don't like to inflict my bad feelings on other people.  It makes me so uncomfortable to try to cover up the awful feelings and act normal.  In the past, I have found when I do get out when severely depressed, those around me can't help but say one of the ten things not to say.

Most of all I don't want others observing me and judging what they are not fully understanding.  All I want is to be left alone and not feel weird about how I'm feeling on top of what I'm already going through.  

Especially around the holidays, when I have allowed others to talk me into going to a holiday function, I am beat up by repeatedly hearing "come on . . . tis the season to be jolly!!"  And here we go . . . I'm criticized, put in the "depressed" box by others, feel like a freak of nature and further withdraw into the "get me the hell out of here mode".  Just get over it . . . sure . . . I wish it was that easy to just wish it away!  I want to retreat to the comfort of my home and never hear this stuff again in my life.

Just because the calendar has reached a certain point in time does not mean that I am going to not be depressed.  In most cases, the holidays have triggered the depression for one reason or another.  The world is filled with those people who have a rough time around the holidays and just need their solitude to deal with it.  

Grief triggers the depression for me around the holidays.  The holidays were once a time of great joy with friends and family who are now gone and missed when memories of Christmas past arise.  I guess it is a natural thing that happens when we lose those we love and cherish.  It is an empty feeling that may lessen, but never goes away.  Trigger days are not fun!

Feeling more freakish on top of already feeling freaky is the last thing a depressed person needs, it will only compound bad feelings.  If you have a loved one who experiences depression, please educate yourself about depression . . . AND PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT NOT TO SAY!  

DON'T DO IT!  You could be contributing to keeping them in that state of freakiness longer!

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Realize It For Yourself

Love the graphic that I borrowed from my friend Dawn's Facebook page!

Realizing it is half the battle, isn't it?

As I enjoyed the cooler breezes that are blowing through Central Florida, a good night's sleep is what I was so thankful for this morning.  It has been a long time and has made a huge difference in the way I'm feeling.

A good night's sleep is rightfully not overrated!

Realizing that we are worthy ties into positive thought patterns that guide us toward our path, good or bad.  

Feeling worthy and important can't help but steer our path into positive directions.

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