Alone

This article was originally written for a photo challenge a couple of years ago . . . a photo that tells the story of my perfect day . . . my peace perfection!

My perfect day . . . this was so easy for me as I’m still consumed with the memories of my beach vacation sitting on that very bench, gazing into the Gulf of Mexico, soaking in the sun, feeling the warm breezes blow my hair in the wind, smelling the salt air, hearing the crashing of the waves and the call of the birds.

Alone on the beach, yet not alone . . . such is the contradiction of my life. I’m a widow, alone but never alone . . . he is still with me and always will be.

Of course the perfect day at the beach starts with a cup of coffee, a walk on the beach that ends up on that bench in the pic . . . to think of what has past, fondly remembering where I’ve been and those who took me there . . . to ponder my destiny and daydream about my desires, wondering if I’ll ever find love again, share my life so beautifully and completely . . .

The day ends with one of the things I love most . . . a beautiful sunset on the beach. It is such a peaceful, spiritual happening for me . . . the spectrum of changing colors in the sky, the sun’s reflection dancing on the waves and into the sky . . . reminding me of life changes, how changes can be different yet beautiful.

My perfect day ends with the sun melting into the water, like two hearts in love melting into one soul. I love sunsets on the beach . . .

Nature defines peace and happiness for me . . . there are three places where I can find total peace and happiness that has nothing to do with money, material things or even love . . . my back yard, the beach and Ft. Wilderness Campgrounds @ Disney World.

Is there a magical place that
defines peace and happiness for you?

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Perfect love

Although I rarely have a problem putting anything into words, defining what perfect love is to me would be very difficult.

Besides, someone already did it for me.

The song If Thats Love by Laura Pausini is one of my favorite songs ever.  It perfectly describes my perfect vision of love.

Although I have been lucky to have found love several times in my life, I can honestly say that I have experienced this kind of perfect love once with my husband. He always used to tell me that he could not ever see himself anywhere else but with me. If you can say these words to each other, you have an important aspect of perfect love.

“But if you say you’ve finally found in me
The only place that you could ever be
If that’s love then you’ve got my heart”

Have you ever had a relationship with someone who had a wandering eye for every person of the opposite sex and would practically get whiplash to check them out right in front of you . . . then say “what . . . can’t I look?” A womanizer gets nipped in the bud before I can develop an attachment . . . that drives me crazy! I want to feel the above lyrics . . . and it has nothing to do with trust . . . it has to do with respect for your feelings.

One of my pet peeves is someone who claims they love you just the way you are and then tries to change you into something you are not. This is the one single thing that has ended many a relationship for me. I must be true to myself . . . that doesn’t mean turning myself inside out for a man. Real love is loving the other person just the way they are.

“If I have to let go of my dreams
Become someone I never ever thought I’d be
If that’s love then I want no part.”

Those are some of my opinions about perfect love . . . of course I have many more . . . but for now I wanted to hit on the most important aspects for me.

What about you?

What are your expectations of perfect love?

Lyrics

If you’re gonna break my heart and leave

Make promises you don’t intend to keep

If that’s love then I want no part.

But if you think that love should last for life

If you believe it’s more than just one night

If that’s love then you’ve got my heart.

And if you’d rather hold on to your pride

Than wipe away the tears you made me cry

If that’s love then I want no part.

But if you’re gonna be there when I need

Someone to just hold me tenderly

If that’s love then you’ve got my heart.

If the kinda love that you bring

Comes with no demands and no strings

If in your eyes I see for sure

That you’re the one I’m waiting for

I’ll give my heart, my soul, my everything.

If I have to let go of my dreams

Become someone I never ever thought I’d be

If that’s love then I want no part.

But if you’re gonna be the kinda man

Who’s willing just to take me as I am

If that’s love then you’ve got my heart.

Tell me in your arms I’ll be safe

Where loneliness and fear have no place

The only thing you have to do

The only thing I ask of you

Is give your heart, your soul, and your everything.

And if you cannot give these things to me

Then I just have to tell you honestly

If that’s love then I want no part.

But if you say you’ve finally found in me

The only place that you could ever be

If that’s love then you’ve got my heart

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Ordinary world

What has happened to me?

Crazy, some would say

Where is the life that I recognize?

Gone away

lyrics from the song Ordinary World by Duran Duran

Many of my posts go back in time as I reorganize my journals. This entry was inspired by the featured song, Ordinary World recorded by Duran Duran. 

As I listened to music one lonely night in November several years ago, very depressed and still struggling with my new reality, feeling abandoned by everything that was normal in my ordinary world.

The dreaded holidays were approaching and I was feeling very alone in the world . . . they were no longer joyous for me and I wanted to hide. I spent the holidays completely alone that year . . . it is what I needed. Being around “normalcy” made me feel like more of a freak than I already did.

Dealing with grief is the hardest thing that we can do as humans . . . and it is my greatest hope to help others who are thinking they are going crazy as a result of changed life circumstances. Those who have lost their spouse go through a difficult time, some worse than others. He was my everything . . . and he took a part of me with him . . . life as I knew it was gone and everything changed.

I’ve finally admitted that my suicidal tendencies were screaming at me and seemed like a romantic fantasy . . . a way out of the eternal hell that was my life. Fighting them was a difficult endeavor, but I did. The words “this too shall pass” held my faith together to make it through another day, sometimes another moment.

It is taking me a very long time to come back to life, but I feel like I have truly moved on even if I have not moved on with a new partner . . . I’ve had to find myself all over again and my journey is still not over. Blogging and letting out my emotions into words has saved my life. Looking back helps to see the tremendous progress and gives me so much hope for the future.

I remember this night vividly . . . this song played over and over again, I wanted to feel all of the emotions I was feeling as I sat in my dark room, still a smoker, smoking one cigarette after another, a very strong rum and coke in the other hand. I didn’t stop until I drank myself to sleep.

My serious drinking days are over and I have been a non-smoker for over two years . . . I made it through those dark days and now I know I can make it through anything . . .


November . . . several years ago . . .

I am learning how to survive alone in this world as a widow . . . it isn’t always easy, mainly it is a lonely existence I didn’t in my wildest dreams expect to ever be in. My life was set . . . my ordinary world was perfect for me . . . I was happy, so content in my paradise with the man that I committed my life to so many years before. Where is the world I recognize?

It is like a distant memory after all these years . . . almost surreal, like a dream . . . “Here today, forgot tomorrow.” This song brings those feelings of fading memories to mind. It is so sad how life goes on although it must . . . what is the alternative? A life of no life? No matter how difficult, one must move on . . . leaving what once was behind, looking back with melancholy memories.

What has happened to me? Where are my friends when I need them the most? My spirit has been broken, my friends changed as did my status as a person in this world. I was no longer a married lady . . . I was suddenly single in my ordinary world of married couples that I could no longer fit in with.

As I’ve tried to find my way to the "ordinary world," I’ve learned so much about people . . . about friends . . . about family . . . I’m learning how to survive on my own, alone, because no one is guaranteed to be there to help you do it . . . many run for fear you may need something from them. Let them run . . . I need strength, not fear . . . as I find the strength from within.

A favorite song is like an old friend, faithful and true . . . always there when you need it.  Today I needed to hear “Ordinary World” and contemplate on what the words of this song means to me.   It has always been one of my favorite songs from Duran Duran, however, I had never heard it in this way . . .

In the vacuum of my heart . . . still I can’t escape the ghost of my perfect past, but I can’t cry for yesterday, it is gone . . . never to return, somehow I have to find the strength to continue on my journey to my new life which will one day be my ordinary world . . . until then I feel like a lost soul, caught between three worlds . . . yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I can relate to the lyrics of this song so much it is almost scary to me . . . the irony of art imitating life. That is one of the things I love about music . . . it is an expression of life itself . . .

There is an ordinary world somehow I have to find . . .

Lyrics

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can’t escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
“Pride will tear us both apart”
Well now pride’s gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some’d say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one Is my world

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What's your weakness?

~ Addicted | Kelly Clarkson ~

Judging by the fact that the majority of the world is overweight, I’m in good company when I say that my number one weakness is good food and enjoying it con mucho gusto. It is more like a passion since it is closely tied in with another passion of mine, cooking. There is nothing I love more than to prepare for a huge party . . . guess I should have been a chef for a living.

Why is it that those things that are so good are bad? Like chocolate and Pepsi . . . I’m totally addicted to both and don’t deny myself of either, however, it is not an indulgence I enjoy often enough and make an attempt at doing it in moderation . . . otherwise the cravings would make me crazy.

As a ex-smoker, I will always be addicted . . . it is a fine line of love and hate with cigarettes. It took me countless times of making the attempt to quit before succeeding. Two years and a couple of months later, I still go out of my way to walk slowly through a smoking area so I can take in that awful smell that still smells good to me. It would be so easy to go back to that expensive and dangerously unhealthy addiction. I’m so grateful for the strength to continue being an ex-smoker.

Then there is the addiction that took over my life, one of the best gifts from my husband that was a Christmas/new millennium gift . . . I literally discovered the internet on New Years Day of the new millennium. 

 Since then, the invisible umbilical cord has been permanently attached to my computer. It opened up a whole new world to me and gave me a world of “friends without faces” that I am so grateful for. 

Although any compulsion is not good, this is one addiction that I will never give up . . . I’m a lifelong “internet junkie.” Fortunate for me, it has been a way for me to make money.

We all have our vices and the ones we gave up for one reason or another. 

 What’s your weakness?

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Life For Rent

Although I have realized that I have gone through tremendous positive changes in my life, during this time of contemplation, transferring old blog entries around and revisiting old thoughts, it occurs to me that many of my old revelations from the past couple of years could have been made today. Moving ahead, yet standing still.

This thought process marks a very important revelation about my romantic choices. I continue the same ones over and over again . . . actually the same two guys . . . I moved from one to another, same type of situation yet different. The underlying theme is the same . . . the unattainable.

Maybe it is the unconscious effort, the trait of a widow, to not move on since they were both long distance relationships?

I’m haunted by the empty feeling of the
“echo in a canyon”
but isn’t that what I have chosen for myself?

The answer is yes . . . for now

Another one of life’s revelations in a song . . . my interpretation is about attitude and the way we look at life . . . as it relates to my life. Aren’t we all afraid to fail? Although this is the first time in my life that I’ve been afraid to try . . . that is difficult to admit . . . sometimes it is easier to be alone.

Has there been a time when
 relationships scared you?

Have you ever lived 
“Life For Rent”?

Life for Rent | Dido
LYRICS

I haven’t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I’m not in love
But it’s not as if I mind
that your heart ain’t exactly breaking

It’s just a thought, only a thought
But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I’ve always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what’s happened to that dream
Cos there’s really nothing left here to stop me

It’s just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
Well how can I say I’m alive

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

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Don't Look Back

Don’t trip over your own two feet

looking back and running from the past,
just keep looking straight ahead,
walking through today and into tomorrow

Author unknown

When it comes to love, it seems that many of us want to hold on . . . whether it is good or bad. 

When I ran across this quote, it brought a question to mind.

Why do we hold on to past loves?

I’m the most guilty of doing this. In most recent times, I held on to two former loves who ventured back into my life like they were some kind of trophy. Finally, the thought that I am way too loyal for my own good is starting to sink in.

It seems to me that even if it was a bad relationship, the tendency is to hold on and make it work . . . I’ve done it all my life! Is it that fear of failure? Make the bad relationship good before moving on?

Maybe it is the comfort level of what is known . . . even if the known is not good. We form attachments and emotions for someone and it is difficult to break off the relationship bond, especially when there is a “relationship history” involved.

What about the “revenge thing?” I swear both of these guys came back into my life just to hurt me. Aren’t some of us guilty of that too? Attempt to hurt the one who hurt us at some point in our lives?

Hopefully I will learn to stop tripping over my feet! Can you relate to any of these relationship problems?

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Forbidden Love

“Just one look from your eyes was 
like a certain kind of torture”

lyrics from Forbidden Love by Madonna

Is forbidden love more exciting because
it is something you are not supposed to have?

Is it the human characteristic of wanting
what you can’t have that makes it exciting?

It was the beginning of my brother’s little league baseball season and I was barely a teenager. Sure, I had already noticed the boys at school . . . but this guy was different. WAY OLDER AND FORBIDDEN . . .

He was one of the coaches, his son played on the league and was probably the age of my parents. Be still my heart, I still think about that man . . . he was my first real attraction other than Paul McCartney who was my first love if you count rock stars.

No one knew about the huge crush I had on this man . . . except for my mom. She noticed it the first day of the season when I first met him . . . mom and I had “the talk”. LOL . . . we have talked about it recently and had a good laugh, but she tells me at the time, she was secretly freaking out about this.

My mom tells me every woman at the park had a secret crush on that man, he was GORGEOUS like a movie star with dark hair and eyes. The first real “Mr. Dreamy” of my life. I’ve often wondered why . . .

My theory has something to do with “forbidden love” . . . this was way forbidden and totally impossible . . . a larger than life fantasy built up in my mind . . . which brings me to the topic of fantasy vs forbidden love. Big difference in some cases . . . in my case, it was innocently both.

Fantasy in most cases is just that . . . something built up in the mind, while forbidden love is usually dangerous.

When I think of forbidden love, an affair with at least one party belonging to someone else is what comes to mind. However, as in the case of Romeo and Juliet, the most romantic story of forbidden love that I can think of at the moment, the problem was who they were, the family they were each born into. Forbidden love can also be a rich man/poor man thing that society imposes on someone like real life princes and princesses.

All this came from listening to music from Madonna . . . music is so amazing for me, it takes me all over the place, driving my thoughts to the weirdest places like a little league season as I discovered love and desire for the first time.

Hasn’t forbidden love tortured all

 of us at one time or another?

“Forbidden Love”
Madonna
Lyrics

Just one kiss on my lips
Was all it took to seal the future
Just one look from your eyes
Was like a certain kind of torture

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl

Just one touch from your hands
Was all it took to make me falter

Forbidden love
Are we supposed to be together
Forbidden love
Forbidden love
Forbidden love
We seal the destiny forever
Forbidden love
Forbidden love

Just one smile on your face
Was all it took to change my fortune
Just one word from your mouth
Was all I needed to be certain

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl
Hearts that intertwine
They lived in a different kind of world

Just one kiss
Just one touch
Just one look

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