About Needing Love

You will never know how much having love in your life means to you until you have lost it.  Losing it suddenly puts you in a "strange box" of shock and disbelief that is difficult to get out of, leaving you broken in a million pieces.  It left me feeling like such a freak of nature. At least that is how it was for me.  It didn't get better as time moved on, it just changed.

This morning I was thinking about what my world was like without love compared to now that I have found love.  Those thoughts took me back to a post I wrote many years ago that goes back to a transitional place in time between needing solitude and needing companionship and love.

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER 2007

My quest to find love came two years after JR died. I needed love at the two year mark . . . like that broken window, I could see my blindness and it was like the light of my life was turned on again.

Although I was surrounded by friends anytime I wanted to be, I had locked myself into a dark room refusing to come out and live life. I will never cry that much in my life again . . . it was a living hell. I had turned cold, like a robot, not wanting to feel, not wanting to talk, not wanting to see the light . . . the darkness of my bedroom sitting in my comfy recliner with music playing was all I needed.

Sure, I went through the motions of being social and hanging out with friends . . . but sometimes it is worse to be lonely in a room full of people than being alone with your thoughts and the ability to cry when you want to if that is what you need to do. That is when I retreated back to my dark room, it is how I could cope and adjust to everything I was dealing with at the time. I lost many friends who gave up on me for being anti-social and judging me for not "getting over it" . . . were they really friends?

There is one thing that I have learned in life . . . people who have not walked in your shoes will never understand that dealing with a problem, it doesn't matter what it is . . . takes a different approach for different people and varying amounts of time. Who is the "be all to end all" that decided what those time limits are? For me . . . the answer is God . . . everything happens in God's time for his reasons.

First thing I did was put in a personals profile on an online dating service. I met and dated a professional guy who was very nice, financially secure, looking for a wife . . . wanted to settle down NOW. My life would have been set with this man . . . I was perfect for him. A professional guy needs a partner who loves to entertain, knows how to throw a party, mingle with people and cook for an army. After a month, he was making plans on selling my house so I could move in with him. WOW . . . he was moving fast. I was still building trust and friendship . . . and trying to find just a little spark of chemistry. In the end, I frustrated the hell out of that poor man, but it showed me that I was not ready for that type of relationship although I still needed love.

Then I became emotionally attached to someone on the other side of the world through the magic of Yahoo Messenger, web cams and telephones. The mistakes I have made with an online relationship was allowing myself to have feelings for someone who is so far away that they may as well live on the other side of midnight. The way it will work for me is to not have expectations since meeting someone online and getting to know them gradually is perfect for me. I'm still not ready for the traditional way of dating. I have "dated" three guys the traditional way and it does not work for me at this time.

What does love mean to me? 

One of my friends has a saying that I love so much . . . two hearts collide and melt into each other's soul . . . that is what love means to me. Being a part of another person, facing life together as partners, experiencing good times and bad supporting each other. Love means the end of loneliness, the end of fear of being alone, security, the sense of belonging and the awesome feeling of the caring and nurturing of another person.

JR's death taught me of importance of maintaining one's individuality at the time . . . I didn't do that with him . . . I was part of a couple . . . not Gina the individual who was JR's life partner.

Right now, I will admit that I am in a self-imposed sentimental prison . . . it is where I need to be to get past some other problems that need to be addressed. I'm not going out looking for someone to love, I'm not even going out casually to make new friends. It is not the right time for me.

These lyrics . . . "driving into town tired and depressed, like a flare the streetlight bursts an s.o.s., peace comes to my rescue and i don't know what it means . . . i need love" . . .

What is the peace that will come to my rescue? That is the answer to one of the biggest questions in my life . . . and I'll know what it is when I find it . . . when God delivers it to me in whatever form he wants.

Lyrics:I Need LoveSixpence None The Richer

i left my conscience like a crying child
locked the door behind me put the pain on file
broken like a window i see my blindness now

i need love
not some sentimental prison
i need god
not the political church
i need fire
to melt this frozen sea inside me
i need love

driving into town tired and depressed
like a flare the streetlight bursts an s.o.s.
peace comes to my rescue and i don't know what it means
i need love

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Fate, destiny and being alone

The following post was written at a time of missing JR so bad, feeling so alone, but having the faith that I would find love again, I was ready . . . I could feel my new love and that is so very special . . . a confirmation that you know that you know and have no doubt about your feelings, holding on to all the patience, hope and faith that everything will work out since it is meant to be.  

Fate and destiny.  
With passing time comes better understanding and the knowledge that life without the other will be virtually impossible.
Even though I had to wait another two years, I knew he was out there.  
I could feel his presence in my life way before he appeared. 
Isn't love wonderful?

This post was originally posted
 September 13, 2007

Alone . . . it is how things are meant to be for me at this time and place on my path. Prayers sooth my soul. Patience is what I ask for . . . I know this is where I am supposed to be . . . it doesn't matter how I feel, how anxious I am or how much I "want" . . . what I want doesn't matter.

After much contemplation and prayer, I envision "alone" as sitting on that bench on the beach . . . not a bad thing at all. Two months ago to this date I sat on that very bench gazing into the horizon, the glistening blue water, felt the wind blowing through my hair, with a cup of coffee in my hand, total peace in my head, contentment in my heart . . . I was totally alone and completely happy.

I was one with nature, talking to God, vowing to turn my life over to him to do as he will with the time I have left on this earth. What I was left with is the sound of two lonely hearts beating . . . I know I'm not to be alone much longer.

This is a time of healing, of gathering my thoughts and everything together, like getting ready to entertain and have a party . . . the table must be set, everything must be perfect for him. Time will do that for both of us. He knows I'm here and I know he's there . . . he feels me and I feel him . . . our eyes have not yet met.

Alone . . . this is how it feels to be at a crossroads of life, impatiently frustrated one day, positively anticipating destiny the next . . . and somewhere in between is lunacy, madness . . . a state of limbo and numbness.

I'm getting my life in order and he is doing what he has to do to prepare for me in his life too. Destiny awaits . . . the beat of my lonely heart feels the beat of your heart, I can hear you breathing with a sigh of the wind my love . . . you are so near, yet still so far away . . . but I'll wait as I pray for patience. You were made for me and I'm feeling you.

"And all the wonders made for the earth

And all the hearts in all creation

Another story there to be told"


And we will have our happy song to sing . . .

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Love is a Mystery

Being the hopeless romantic that I am, the one who believes in Prince Charming and Fairy Tales, love is one of my favorite subjects to ponder.

Love is a mystery for sure!

Ponder these questions that have come

to my mind and this

phenomena of chemical attraction and lust,

a chance meeting that can change your life.

With that thought in mind, I'm reminded of the

movies Serendipity and The Bridges of 
Madison County.

It is all about a chance meeting, awesome
chemistry between two people, love,
fate and destiny.


Why do some people affect us so profoundly
while others don't phase us? 


What is this chemistry that grabs a hold of us
like a strong magnet that refuses to let go?


It is not always about chance meetings and lust.

Why is it that you can know someone for a while
and then all of a sudden you feel that magnet pull?

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Head Over Heels

Something happens and I'm head over heels

I never find out till I'm head over heels

Something happens and I'm head over heels

Ah don't take my heart

Don't break my heart

Don't throw it away

lyrics from the song

Head Over Heels|Tears for Fears

As I was enjoying a relaxing morning sitting outdoors in what I consider to be perfect Florida weather, enjoying nature and feeling so thankful for everything I have been blessed with, thoughts of fairy tale love and fantasies came to my mind.  

The thoughts came out of nowhere!  Then this song started playing in my head and I remembered that I had written a blog post many years ago about the fairy tale love most women dream of.  So I decided to include this beautiful post about this aspect of love . . . fairy tales, fantasies and the dream of a future love yet to happen. 

Or maybe I'm just a romantic fool . . .

This post was originally published 

on November 1, 2007

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without.
If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with?
Fall head over heels.
I say find someone you can love like crazy and
who'll love you the same way back.
And how do you find him?
Forget your head and listen to your heart.
I'm not hearing any heart.
Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back.
Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this.
To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -
well, you haven't lived a life at all.
You have to try.
Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived".

[William Parrish] from the movie,
Meet Joe Black (1998)



This kind of love is worth the risk of getting hurt. It is pure and innocent, something uncontrollable to even the most composed and sophisticated person. The way you deal with it may be different than another person, but one thing we have in common as humans is not being able to control love. You can't, no matter how much you try. It just is . . .

My faith in meeting someone online is still strong since I continue to find men who attract me . . . that doesn't happen often in real life. Maybe it is because the internet includes the whole world instead of just a city, no matter how large.  Another variable is the emphases on personality.  After all, it is our first encounter with someone online.   The written word expresses ourselves more than the spoken word since we usually have time to think about what we are saying. 
I can't say finding someone attractive online happens every day or very often . . . in three years I would narrow it down to a few men . . . not many when you consider that I have spent considerable time in chat rooms and must have run into thousands of men online. So I'm not as fickle as you are thinking.

Something that still amazes me is the phenomena of "butterflies in the stomach" . . . have you ever been in love that much? There have been times when I felt physically sick with love . . . can't eat, no appetite. Losing weight is a sign that I'm in love, because the butterflies in my stomach make food very unappealing.

Then there is the heart "skipping a beat" thing . . . it does for me. Does that always mean love? Not for me, I don't think . . . although one person in particular makes me feel like a school girl teenager again . . . when I see that he is online or read something he's written, my heart skips a beat. If he has left a comment on my page . . . at first glance my heart wildly skips a beat. What it means is that I really need to meet this guy because I have some special chemistry for him . . . big time. He so inspires my writing about love and romance . . . guess who my fantasy man looks like. It is he who makes my heart skip a beat. 
He is the sign that everything is going to be ok . . .  I can feel this way about someone again . . . I'm alive again.

This is the feeling that begins the type of love described in the quote.
The happily ever after fairy tale love . . . Prince Charming & the Princess.
It has gone on since I got my first invitation to be his friend a while back. I feel like God throws me these weird little happenings, like a pleasant little joy to get me through the day. Kinda like a chocolate indulgence that you enjoy for the moment. 
I can't say I "love" this guy . . . I don't know him and never will, he lives in another world far away . . . let's call it a strange fascination that has gone on for quite some time that I have tried to ignore and just walk away with a smile on my face. He scares me . . . it is that "strange magic" thing with him.

He could have been put in my path to make the rocky road easier to walk. How could a total stranger so turn my head, capture my thoughts and feed my fantasies?  Diversions . . . God's little treats when life is otherwise not going well and needs us to keep the spirit.

Head over heels in love is what I live for . . . a true romantic who is in love with love feels that way about a love so beautiful that it is uncontrollable, wild and wonderful . . . especially when the feeling is reciprocated for real . . . and living happily ever after.

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Sentimental Lady . . . my favorite post from the past

As another holiday season approaches, this will be my second "normal" holiday since I became a widow. As with last year, I'm giving thanks  and being grateful for what we have individually been blessed with . . . good and bad. I continue to be grateful and thankful for finding my path . . . and the one to love and be loved by that I was searching for.  The awful feeling of dreading the approaching holidays of the past decade or so has been replaced with child-like anticipation, like it used to be before my world was turned upside down with the death of  my first husband. While I don't have a problem with the festivities of the holiday and actually looked forward to them this year, I still can't handle decorating the house for Christmas.  I just can't do it and don't want to. I will never EVER forget those awful tortured feelings of completely dreading the holiday and have a special place in my heart for those less fortunate . . . those who are dealing with those emotions this holiday season. The following entry is from the nightmare phase of my life and it is like I have always said . . . this too shall pass . . . and it did.  Thank God! The following entry was originally posted on December 4, 2007 and remains my favorite post ever. December . . . the magical time of year is upon us . . . yet in contrast, brings us the longest and darkest nights of the year . . . perhaps delivering the mystical powers of the moon. Isn't it all an illusion anyway, how we perceive our lives? Where we are in life . . . happy time,  sad time, time of transition? The magical season is believed by many to hold miracles . . . Santa Claus and fairy tales. Miracles don't always come in pretty boxes wrapped up with beautiful bows . . . sometimes they don't come at all. What deems one person worthy of a miracle and the other not? Was it the degree of naughty or nice? I don't know and I'm trying to figure it out . . . who holds that magic wand? As I weave my tapestry of contentment for this magical season, joy comes in the form of memories of Christmas past filled with love and laughter in my heart. I miss JR so much that I STILL scream into a pillow to let the sadness out. It does help . . . but the withdrawals for a person that you loved and lost can't be compared to anything else in life. Every year as the pumpkins are decorated and set out in the night with candlelight to illuminate the darkness, the dread creeps up on me . . . the witching hour has arrived and it is time to be reminded that I should be joyous and happy. But I'm not . . . my fairy tale ended. The one who holds the magic wand is nowhere to be found . . . the only pumpkins I see light the night . . . at least it is not total darkness. I'm blessed and grateful for contentment of survival during my life's transitions . . . I have everything I need, even if not what I want. What I want lives in my memories and this season reminds me of what I lost . . . yet in this magical time I know miracles happen at their appropriate time when least expected. My real life fairy tale began on a Christmas night long ago when I thought the one holding the magic wand had forgotten about me another year. I met JR on Christmas night in a club that played country music, where a pop music princess and a rock & roll music freak would normally never be found . . . but there we were, both in an unlikely place on an unlikely night . . . the miracle of destiny awaited us and lasted a lifetime. Yes, I still believe in miracles and never lose hope that I will find that joy and happiness again when destiny calls me again. While this is a sad time of year for me, I have my family and it is getting easier as the years go by. Although I struggle with it, I am fairly well adjusted and can handle it. However, there are people in this world who have no one . . . this is the time of year suicides are on the rise . . . the joyous season is also the lonely season to many who have experienced some type of loss or hardship in their life. Reach out to someone you know who is not as fortunate as yourself this time of year . . . it could make such a difference in their life . . . I hope rather than bringing you down, I made you think about how fragile life is and to be so grateful for and appreciate those you love. Love like there is no tomorrow . . . Happy holidays my friends . . . peace, love and happiness . . . Sentimental Lady | Bob Welch Lyrics You are here and warm But I could look away and you'd be gone Cause we live in a time When meaning falls in splinters from our lives And that's why I've travelled far Cause I come so together where you are And all of the things that I said that I wanted Come rushing by in my head when I'm with you 14 joys and a will to be merry And all of the things that we say are very Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Now you are here today But easily you might just go away Cause we live in a time When paintings have no color, words don't rhyme And that's why I've travelled far Cause I come so together where you are And all of the things that I said that I wanted Come rushing by in my head when I'm with you 14 joys and a will to be merry And all of the things that we say are very Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one You are here and warm But I could look away and you'd be gone Cause we live in a time When meaning falls in splinters from our lives And that's why I've travelled far Cause I come so together where you are Yes and all of the things that I said that I wanted Come rushing by in my head when I'm with you 14 joys and a will to be merry And all of the things that we say are very Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Well sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one

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Getting the groove back

    Get serious with your life?  Really?

Seriously, I still don't have a complete grasp of what I want to do when I grow up.  The big picture is a lot more focused, however, there is so much in between getting there and here in the today.

Although I had joined the world of employment when The Captain moved in with me, then he joined that world and we eventually settled on retirement until we could figure out the rest.

A new relationship needs time to develop into a life of its own. The two people need to define, experience and constantly tweak as individuals need to change and grow.  We have been so fortunate and I am so grateful we have had this time to find ourselves individually and each other as a couple in our new reality after living and sharing another lifetime with other people.

Second chances in life are awesome!

Getting the groove back into a normal life and tweaking and perfecting the groove is a lifelong learning experience!  Don't you think?  Tweaking our lives keeps from having a boring life, which is a good thing!

One thing The Captain has taught me is serious positivity with no room for negativity.

Although I realized this many years ago, it has not been easy since I grew up in a fairly negative environment that was my normal.  It still is to a certain extent, but I am able to switch gears rather quickly to get back into that positive groove.  When I do, the whole world looks different in a good way thanks to my sweetie.

It has been a long journey, but I really think the time around the following post was my turning point.  The Captain was already in my life and I had to get  serious about getting my groove back!

This following post was originally posted

 on November 14, 2010:

After escaping to the outdoors and away from this computer, the blahs I was experiencing yesterday magically disappeared.  It is easy to forget to keep a positive balance in our lives when we are in the midst of things we get bogged down with.     

Life is somewhat of a never-ending "to do list" . . . you gotta walk away from it at times . . . escape in whatever way that works for you in order to keep the balance necessary for an awesome quality of life.

Reactions and responses need to be in the present rather than the past in order to positively respond to life circumstances . . . easier said than done . . . it is sometimes a difficult balance.

The key is understanding the reason behind the reactions, especially the negative ones. The thoughts that immediately inspire the reaction need to be positive in order to turn the tides and make unpleasant experiences tolerable and easier to cope with.

As long as I can remember, I have journaled daily about my emotions, happenings, reactions and outcomes . . . it was easy for me to go back and identify my natural impulses and reactions to problems. At times, the analysis of my emotions is a ponderous process, however necessary to leading a normal life after a life trauma.

The difficult part is changing those reactions by not identifying them with anything from a unique past experience . . . it is gone and must be released. Replace negative with positive thoughts . . . attitude adjustment.

A life of peace, love and happiness is all about maintaining a positive attitude through good times and bad experiences . . . they all eventually pass . . . better to experience the situation with a healthy state of mind.  A healthy state of mind knows when to escape and chill out a bit . . . what I call "getting your groove back".  

I'm working on it . . .

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Finding Your Joy

Some wise words from Daily Om about happiness and joy . . .

Being happy doesn’t come naturally to everybody. It is your birthright to be happy, choose happiness everyday. Our lives are rich with potential sources of happiness, but sometimes we become victims of negative thinking because we believe that focusing on all that has gone wrong will provide us with the motivation we need to face the challenges of survival.

When we choose to focus on what makes us happy, however, a shift occurs in the fabric of our existence. Finding something to be happy about every single day can help this shift take place. The vantage points from which we view the world are brought into balance, and we can see that being alive truly is a gift to be savored. There is always something we can be happy about—it is simply up to us to identify it. On one day, we may find happiness in a momentous, life-changing event such as a marriage or the birth of a child. On another day, the happiness we experience may be a product of our appreciation of a particularly well-brewed cup of a tea or the way the sun shines on a leaf. If we discover that we literally cannot call to mind a single joyful element of existence, we should examine the cause of the blockage standing between us and experiencing happiness.

Keeping a happiness journal is a wonderful way to catalog the happiness unfolding all around us so that joy has myriad opportunities to manifest itself in our lives. Writing about the emotions we experience while contemplating joy may give us insight into the factors compelling us to resist it. Happiness may not always come easily into your life. You have likely been conditioned to believe that the proper response to unmet expectations is one of sadness, anger, guilt, or fear.

To make joy a fixture in your existence, you must first accept that it is within your power to choose happiness over unhappiness every single day. Then, each time you discover some new source of happiness, the notion that the world is a happy place will find its way more deeply into your heart. On this day, find one thing to be happy about and let it fill your heart.


Source: The Daily Om

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