Rocky Road

The holidays were rough for a number of reasons, mainly The Captain spent a big chunk of them in the hospital.

Depression has knocked me down again and I'm honestly not enthusiastic about writing at all.  Hopefully I will pick myself up soon and get back to my blogs!

Hope your holidays were awesome :)

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Pet Grief

When I lost my sweet Betsy, the grief was as overwhelming as losing a member of the family.  To make matters worse, it was during the Christmas season.

That was back in 1999, the end of a decade and the end of one of the most treasured relationships in my life. The loss of a pet can be devastating and most people don't understand the pain involved.  I still think of her often, especially when I look into the loving eyes of my sweet Kiki, whose little personality reminds me so much of Betsy.

Click here for an article about pet grief . . . hope it helps someone who is hurting about the loss of a beloved pet.

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Encourage Yourself

Treating yourself with the same gentleness

and respect you afford others can give

you the strength to accomplish what 

you want in life.

Feelings of unworthiness could negatively affect your self-confidence and cause you to judge yourself harshly. 

Giving yourself the same kind of encouragement you would give others can make you feel more confident and give you the strength to keep striving for success. When you treat yourself with respect and encouragement, you will find that all you desire becomes easier to reach.

Source:  Daily Om

The above was part of my horoscope for today.

It has been a rough week and I have beat myself up pretty badly.  My thoughts have been self-defeating and negative.  The taunting of my dad telling me how unworthy I am keeps creeping into my thoughts and won't go away.  I needed this message today!

Encouragement is my word of the day and I am so glad this message popped up for me today.  It is time to respect myself and give myself credit for everything positive and do those things that bring me joy because I deserve it.

Time to lose the negativity!

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Fear of Moving On

Either you decide to stay in the shallow end

of the pool or you go out in the ocean.

Christopher Reeve

If you listen to your fears, you will die
never knowing what a great person
you might have been

Robert H. Schuller

I wrote the following post many years ago.  The Captain was already an awesome friend, but it was before we became serious about getting together.  Actually, I was involved with two other guys I was contemplating moving on with.  The big question was "am I ready?"

The theme of the post is fear and feeling safe.  While I am so thankful I got through the fear of moving on and eventually let The Captain into my life and got married, fears still keep me from moving on with my life in different ways.

When I think that I am hopeless with all these fears I still have, I feel gratitude for the progress I have made since JR passed away.  The post I wrote back in 2009 proves that to me and I don't feel so crazy.

Originally published April 15, 2009


What would you do if you weren't at all afraid?

For someone who has way too many fears, I often ask myself that question. Most of my life I've been fearless in pursuit of what strikes my fancy, however, in past years my fearless nature has been tamed to the extreme.

There seems to be an inordinate need to be "safe" . . . staying in my comfort zone prevents me from living a truly satisfying life as I once experienced with such a zest for life.

Perhaps this is all a result of the grief process . . . the extreme life changes . . . and hopefully my "normal" zest for life will return. Fear of failure has gripped my heart and soul where I once followed every dream after making the plan, I now analyze everything to death before making any significant move . . . fearful of the outcome rather than approaching the situation in my usual carefree but cautious manner.

Moments of attaining my ying/yang life balance are coming back with regularity, but leave me with that "fear of failing mentality" with as much regularity. Time heals all wounds and I see this as one of the most important areas of my life to gain control over.

The fear is like a security blanket that I have found difficult to let go of . . . why? It doesn't really keep me safe and keeps me from moving on with my life. Did I just hit on the answer? Is it a fear of moving on and letting go of life as it was? Still feeling the guilt of moving on?

Fate and destiny brings people into our lives at different times for various reasons. Someone from my past has come back into my life who I have always loved, respected, have an extreme comfort with, passion for and would trust with my life . . . my first love.  

TRUST AND LOVE . . . isn't that what my major relationship problems have been in recent past?

Why am I still not ready?

My thoughts of moving on are becoming more realistic. There is no doubt in my mind why "he" is back in my life . . . to cross that huge bridge in my path with me . . . it scares me.

There are times when people drift out of my life and at the time I wonder why, yet always find the answer with the passage of time. The reasons are always for my benefit whether I consciously agree or not. One door closes and another opens . . . the biggest obstacle is walking through that door. Perhaps there is a reason why . . .

Is there anything you would change about your life?

Has fear kept you from doing something you want to do?

Back to present time . . . the reason was The Captain was my destiny!

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Support of your loved ones

The strength that your loved ones give you could inspire you to examine a more challenging life path. 

The aid and support of your loved ones can give you the courage to make the most of the opportunities you have been given. The people who care for you are a resource that you can draw from for support, and the value they can add to your experience is unlimited. Knowing that you are loved can raise your self-esteem, help you feel more comfortable taking risks, and empower you to believe in yourself. Because the people that are important to you will always support you, you’ll be less afraid of failure and more likely to try again should you falter. When you feel bolstered by your loved ones, you will see that anything is possible.

Source:  Daily OM

Growing up, my dad always called me stupid, nothing I did was ever good enough, always raising the bar of expectations as they were close to being reached.  Maybe in his warped way of thinking he was shaping me to be a better and stronger person, not knowing the lifelong damage it would do to me.

For most of my young life, I tried so hard to meet his expectations that were never going to be met.   The result?  As a young adult, I spiralled out of control and was thrust out in a world that I was not ready for, however, deep down inside I knew that I was not that stupid little girl that I was made to believe I was all my life.

Armed with traces of self-confidence from my past accomplishments that I knew were a good thing, I set out to prove to myself that the stupid little girl was never real.  It was a figment of my dad's warped imagination.  Why a person would do that to an innocent little girl is beyond my comprehension.

As time went on, I did prove to myself that I am a very intelligent person with compassion for others.  The compassion came from understanding the emotional hardships we all go through and what they do to our mental health.  However, self-esteem has always been a problem for me, no matter what I accomplish.

There have been people in my life who have recognized my problem with self-esteem and used it as a weapon against me.  It personally stops me in my tracks when I recognize it is happening and makes me wonder why this person is still in my life and their trait of flawed compassion questions my capacity to make wise choices.

It doesn't have to be loved ones.  The support of those we admire means so much . . . think about it.  Compassion and support from others is a treasured gift that should be cherished when you find it.

  

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The Defense Mode and Falling Down

There are some lines in the song "Falling Down" from Duran Duran that have inspired me today:

"Why has the sky turned gray? 

Hard to my face and cold on my shoulder.  

Why has my life gone astray?  

Why has my luck run dry?"

Defense mode is where I'm at, I've fallen down because of it and forgiveness has been impossible to come by.  

Before I hit the ground, someone I love very much was hurting very badly and I could not bear her pain any longer.  As a result, I did something I thought was right.  

I still think I was right, but feeling like I'm in defense mode and I hate it, resent those responsible very much even though I still love them and don't want them out of my life.  My intentions were good, but they blew up in my face.  

I am not an effective confronter and people generally use it against me!


I came across an old newsletter from Mastin Kipp and the following excerpt from his writing took over my thoughts.

"The pain was a little deeper than normal because these are folks I care about and respect. On top of that, I really try my best to walk my talk, so when I mess up, I am really good at beating myself up, which is like a double negative and almost worse than the original mistake."  

First let me say that I don't relate because I think "I messed up" . . . it is beating myself up over the situation with people I love that has me relating. The double negative is trying to make the hurting stop to begin with and ending up with these ugly feelings personally.

My usual mode is to stay out of conflicts and to remain in a neutral position, but that is great when nothing has touched me.  Mess with someone I love who I see hurting and I go blind, throwing all neutral attitudes out the window.  I am proud of myself for attempting to make the problem disappear, no matter the consequences.

Sometimes things don't work out as planned.

Why am I beating myself up over this?  I want to be peaceful, contemplate what has gone by and I get the feeling others want confrontation that is like sweeping it under the rug and try to pin the blame on me for coming forward to begin with.  

At this time I don't want or need the conflict or confrontation. For this I feel like I've fallen down, but it is the only thing I can do right now.  It is what I can handle emotionally.

Don't you hate when someone dances around a story?

As usual, I am writing to let my feelings out and hope to get rid of these times of beating myself up.  

Sorry for the vagueness, but my blog is no longer anonymous and I'll get myself into more of a pickle if I explain.  :(   

Times like these make me regret bringing my blogs into the reality of my life and all who are involved.  

I hate regrets!

Hopefully there is something in my story that will help someone else, which is why I love writing about how I am feeling.

When you have fallen down, you think you are the only one who is there.  If you have . . . do what I'm going to do . . . come to terms with the situation, get up, dust yourself off and start all over again.  

What will be will be . . . in the meantime, I choose to remain stubborn!

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Mistakes are the portals of discovery

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

James Joyce

Love the quote!

Artists and creative types will relate to the quote for sure.

When I've worked on creating jewelry or sewing, often a mistake brought on the discovery of a new technique.  Upon working on the new technique, many times it was so much better than my original technique or idea.

Inventors and explorers live the quote.  

Imagine Christopher Columbus or Walt Disney with fear and no vision!  We would be living in a different world with no Walt Disney World or Disneyland.  A world without Mickey Mouse!

Fear of failure will stop those mistakes from happening and also stopping whatever portals of discovery would have come out of the mistake.

A vivid imagination should never be wasted!

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