A message to heaven's gate . . . Happy Anniversary

It doesn't seem like it has been 34 years since JR and I took our vows after knowing each other six months.  Everyone thought we were crazy.
It is so true that life is but a blink of an eye.  The day is so vivid in my mind as if it were yesterday, but it was a lifetime ago.  God took him from me 12 years ago and it seems like yesterday we were living a happy and content life with no idea of what was to come so abruptly and swiftly turn my life upside down.
Of all the trigger days, our wedding day has to be one that is the hardest to get through.  All the good memories come flooding back and all the hopes for the tomorrows that never came.  This is one of the most difficult things I have dealt with in my life . . . the death of my husband, my best friend.
You would think that it would get easier as the years go by . . . but I believe it is the other way around.  It is more time that has gone by that I have felt the void in my life.
I'm happily married again to The Captain, feeling so blessed to have found another great love in my life.  I wonder if other widows have such a difficult time with grief after moving on with so many years that have gone by.

 

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Unresolved issues

Finding a healthy outlet for unsettling emotions allows us to resolve them in productive ways and regain a rested state of mind. We might not realize how deeply our feelings are affecting our lives until we begin to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Instead of trying to ignore our feelings or push them away, we can channel them into productive activities and make an effort to work through our emotions in healthy ways. Doing this empowers us, even if we can’t always resolve the situations that caused us to feel upset. By working through our emotions, we are better able to handle any situation and regain a serene state of mind. By devoting time to honoring and calming your emotions today, you can work through any unresolved issues and feel peaceful again. 

 Source:  Daily OM

Today is a beautiful, gentle rainy day and I have spent a lot of time outdoors in our carport jungle enjoying nature and letting my mind wander where it wants to go.  It is in these times of quiet relaxation that I realize how wound up I really am. Too many little things that keep hanging on end up being one huge mess.

I must admit that when overwhelm and frustration start to affect me, rather than channeling them into productive activities, I make the attempt to sweep them under the rug.

Although I know ignoring the situation will not alleviate the frustration, it is a practice that I continue to do over and over again.

Sometimes working through the emotions causes more frustration when the emotions causes warped focus and concentration.  For me, it is best to leave it alone until I am ready to handle it, one step at a time, AFTER calming myself down by doing things that bring me pleasure, like listening to music or watching something mindless on the television.  Sometimes simply enjoying nature can calm me down.  It all depends on the situation.

Of course, if the overwhelm stems from not taking care of projects because they seem too overwhelming, that is when taking very small, but productive activities toward the goal helps to work through the frustration.

I know I need to let it all go and just give it all the pressures to God . . . faith and trust is so difficult for me.

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Ownership of Challenges

We retake control of our personal power by becoming courageous enough to articulate, out loud and concisely, the essence of our emotions. Our assuming ownership of the challenges before us in this way empowers us to shift from one emotional state to another.

Source:  Daily Om

What about when you don't understand what you are feeling?  One can be in complete control of assuming ownership of the challenges and feel numb to the whole situation.  It is a one step, one moment at a time kind of thing.

It is not a time to make important decisions, as they may or may not be rational with this state of mind.  You can have control of your personal power and still not understand how to proceed effectively.

What if one emotional state runs into another, making it difficult to take complete control.  Maybe there is just too much going on, as the saying would have it "too much on my plate" making concentration and focus on one thing at a time extremely difficult.

This post has taken me a few days to write since I really wanted to think about this and try to put it into a perspective that makes sense to me.  Seems to me it is a compilation of all the things I've written about in this blog concerning emotions . . . fears, procrastination, feelings of unworthiness, times of weakness, and losing control.

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I am who I am!

I am who I am, and that is all I need to be.

I've actually liked myself in certain times of my life.  

The rest of my life I have hated myself.  In my realization of self-hate after JR died, I had to first admit to myself that the self-hate existed and then forgive myself, which I did.  

However, it has been quite a journey back to liking myself.  But you know, that is not good enough!  It must be love myself.

I've written about why I have hated myself at times.  It goes back to my childhood and one of the learned experiences from my father of not being good enough.  I was never good enough in his eyes and I hated myself for it.  I longed for the acceptance I never received.

The phases of loving myself were during the successful times of my life.  I knew I was good enough.  You know I'm my biggest critic . . . it is what I learned as a child!  I've had many successes in my life and very proud of those times, which makes the not so successful times of my life more pronounced.

Fast forward to present times.  Life experience has taught me that I am who I am and that is all I need to be.  Self-acceptance is what it is and not so easy for me.  The opinions of others are just their opinions and I am caring less each day what anyone thinks about me.

Self-acceptance is especially difficult when I'm not accomplishing anything and simply living my life.  My parents pounded "accomplishment" into my head like that is all that life was about.  That thinking is so wrong.  Accomplishment is important, but not all that should consume one's life.

I always ask myself the question "What is normal anyway" . . . and I still don't have the answer.  Never will I apologize for who I am with all my flaws and whatever "normal" is, I am not.

There are times when I backslide and start to hate myself again, but I am recognizing those times and learning how to turn it around.

I am who I am . . . a complicated contradiction of myself.

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Everything Happens For A Reason

When all the pieces of our life don’t quite make sense, we can remember that there may be some hidden gem of a reason that we are where we are having the experiences we are having. 

Source:  Daily Om



There have been awful times in my life that I can look back and see some of the hidden treasures that were buried in the pain.  

Just as some people see a half empty glass while another sees a half full glass, some people can always find the good in a bad situation, while some can't.

The perspective that everything happens for a reason can make bad times a bit better as one occupies the mind trying to find that hidden gem which may or may not reveal itself.

While some will seek the hidden gem, others will take that same perspective and ask why . . . just wanting a reason without expecting a hidden gem and holding on to anger with the circumstances they find themselves in.

No matter how we perceive a life challenge, it will continue along the way to it's destiny for whatever reason. Maybe it is not meant for us to know.  A lesson is not a lesson without a test.  There are no absolutes in life.

Life itself is a series of circumstances, situations and events that continue over and over again without ceasing.  Some are good, some are bad for whatever reason.

Life perspectives is what divides the happy people from the sad even if both realize that everything happens for a reason.  Human nature I guess . . .

The whole concept takes me back to some lyrics from an old song that always comes to mind when "everything happens for a reason" is thought of . . . "que sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera sera."

How do you see this concept?

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Moving through the darkness

"We can take our inspiration from any fairy tale that finds its central character lost in a dark wood, frightened and alone. We know that the journey through the wood provides its own kind of beauty and richness. On the other side, we will emerge transformed, lighter and brighter, braver and more confident for having moved through that darkness.

This is just life’s way of taking us to a place we need to go for reasons that go deeper than our own ability to reason. These hard knocks and trials are designed to shed light on our unconscious workings and deepen our experience of reality."

Source:  Daily Om 

We are apparently living in lala land and these "hard knocks" are designed to deepen our experience of reality?  That was my thought after reading today's quotes from the Daily Om.

Actually, it all feels like the movie "Groundhog Day."  Seriously.

The theme of our year has been "readdressing old issues over and over again" . . . and it seems as if we are moving through the darkness, going in circles which lead to nowhere.

Very frustrating!

In the past week, we have had to deal with health problems, car problems, home repair problems persist and nothing has changed.  Oh please, I will spare you the details of these things that don't want to go away!

I'm having faith that all of these irritating life situations are building my character into a stronger, better person and I'll ultimately become fearless and worry-free . . . a contradiction of my own life.  It could be the lesson that the good Lord is blessing me with.  

We all run into all types of contradictions through the course of life's lessons.

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Dare to be powerful

When I dare to be powerful -- to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.

Audre Lorde

This quote says so much to me, who is a naturally fearful person and an intense worrier.

For one thing . . . what difference does it make how fearful we are or how worried we are about a particular situation?  It won't change the outcome, it just robs us of joy and happiness.  

What will be will be anyway!

I'm finally learning that strength is within us and never leaves us.  We just need to dare to reach in and grab it . . . use it!

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Picking Up The Pieces . . . Putting Them Away

Taking stock of our past can help us decide the next direction of our life’s journey. 

Contemplating how our decisions have created our present circumstances can bring clarity and self-understanding. We can then envision where the path we’re on today may lead us tomorrow.

A little self-reflection can give us the knowledge and confidence to follow a new direction or stay the current course. 

We can also fully absorb the blessings that have come to us and give thanks for what we’ve created.

Reflect on your life’s journey thus far and decide where you’d like to go next, and you can plan for a year filled with manifestations, personal growth, and happiness.

Source:  Daily OM

After much contemplation and self-reflection, I've taken a long journey through my mind of those days of picking up the pieces and putting them away after becoming a widow.

I knew I was already "Home" . . . I just had to rearrange my life and create an entirely new one for myself.

The path that led me to that place did not prepare me for those changes.  It felt like I was walking the fires of hell, not even thinking there was a path I needed to follow, just taking one moment at a time.  Sitting in a dark room as day turned into night was my indication of time passing, otherwise I would not have noticed.

I can relate to the lyrics of the, Home By The Sea by Genesis . . . so many lines are familiar! However, "picking up the pieces, putting them away" most comes to mind.  It is what happens when drastic life changes pop up when least expected.

The Captain and I have been through a lousy year or two . . . seems like we can't catch a break, but I know this too shall pass.  It just gets me down and discouraged at times.  Self-reflection takes me back to that place of real despair in my life, not knowing where that path is going to lead.  No longer do I walk that path alone.

Today I am feeling so blessed and grateful although I still have diminishing blahs . . . at least they are passing. I can feel it.  All is not hopeless, we have just experienced one bump in the life's road after another, primarily health issues, car and home repairs.  Things that make up a life!  We don't have to like them and some of us don't deal as well as others.  That is human nature!

Pictures of my life that roam around my thoughts have made me feel so blessed and grateful for all that I have today.

Home By The Sea | Genesis

Creeping up the blind side, shinning up the wall

Stealing through the dark of night

Climbing through a window, stepping to the floor

Checking to the left and the right

Picking up the pieces, putting them away

Something doesn't feel quite right

Help me someone, let me out of here

Then out of the dark was suddenly heard

Welcome to the Home by the Sea

Coming out the woodwork, through the open door

Pushing from above and below

Shadows without substance, in the shape of men

Round and down and sideways they go

Adrift without direction, eyes that hold despair

Then as one they sign and they moan

Help us someone, let us out of here

Living here so long undisturbed

Dreaming of the time we were free

So many years ago

Before the time when we first heard

Welcome to the Home by the Sea

Sit down, sit down

As we relive our lives in what we tell you

Images of sorrow, pictures of delight

Things that go to make up a life

Endless days of summer longer nights of gloom

Waiting for the morning light

Scenes of unimportance like photos in a frame

Things that go to make up a life

Help us someone, let us out of here

Living here so long undisturbed

Dreaming of the time we were free

So many years ago

Before the time when we first heard

Welcome to the Home by the Sea

Sit down, sit down

As we relive our lives in what we tell you

Let us relive our lives in what we tell you

Sit down sit down

Cause you won't get away

So with us you will stay

For the rest of your days. so sit down

As we relive our lives in what we tell you

Let us relive our lives in what we tell you

Songwriters: RUTHERFORD, MICHAEL/COLLINS, PHIL/BANKS, TONY

Home By The Sea lyrics © EMI Music Publishing

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All About Soul

"We live in a world that needs more soul, more meaning. We, as conscious beings, have, as our primary responsibility, at this time in human history, the task of bringing soul into the world, or releasing soul into the world. We do this, first of all, in ourselves and in our own personal world; then we do it in our groups - including family; then we do it in our society through our work, relationships and presence there."

 Andrew Schneider

"Joy that comes out of sorrow" . . . a line from Billy Joel's song All About Soul struck me as very odd and I'm trying to figure it out.

When I found the above quote, it made me think of that song.

As I read the quote again and again as I listen to the song, I realized that I'm a million miles away from everything.  I've momentarily lost my soul.

I'm just getting over some kind of vicious virus that did not want to go away and my tooth decided to give me a hard time again, so now I'm dealing with a swollen face and sinus problems.  Guess that all plays into the mix.  I'm tired of not feeling good for a long stretch of time.

It is irritating me that at a time when I should be continuing to search for the new meaning I've been looking for in my life, I have to deal with some kind of physical pain.  I'm usually stronger than this.  I want my "soul" back!  It feels dark and cold and out of control.

Joy that comes out of sorrow . . . maybe that is the lesson.

God has put me in this place and time . . . my hope and faith needs to carry me through the conclusion of this lesson as I continue my journey to attain the harmony  that comes from peace,love and happiness.

Aren't we all on that journey in one way or another?

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There is nothing love cannot face

There is nothing love cannot face; 

there is no limit to its faith, 

its hope, and its endurance.

St. Paul

I Corinthians 13:7

Those are some of the most beautiful words ever written
 from my favorite part of the bible. I don't read it often enough!

Have you ever lived these words?

Think about it . . . you know you have!

Have you ever loved another person so much that your love's endurance outlived the problems that persisted with lots of faith and hope to keep you going?

I often wonder why people stay in relationships that did not make them happy.  Perhaps living without that person they loved so much would be impossible.  Many move on to get past the little irritations that make them unhappy and end up with the greatest relationship they could ever dream of.

How about the single mom with the impossible child as she struggles with survival in this crazy world, all by herself?  That would take lots of hope and faith!

There are so many instances I could go on and on about that this quote from the greatest book ever written can be applied to.  Such simple words with so much meaning!

It all starts and ends with love.

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Why Not Now?

We can procrastinate for an endless list of excuses, but why not empower ourselves to change our lives for the better now.  It doesn't matter what it is! I've written about procrastination before . . . it is like a ball and chain to hold you back from doing anything and putting it off until "tomorrow" . . .

The Captain and I spoke of goals yesterday and how they are small steps, one at a time toward the goal that in itself can be overwhelming.

"If we ask ourselves what we are really waiting for, however, we discover that there is no truly compelling reason why we should put off the pursuit of the dreams that sustain us."

So . . . why not now?

The perceived notion of there being plenty of time for "whatever" can be deceiving since we are not promised tomorrow.

We decided that by simply moving stuff around in one room will add so much dimension to the activities we have been limited to.  Bringing functionality back to my craft desk that overlooks the garden will allow me to get back into designing jewelry that my hands have been itching to do and give myself a place of serenity where my creativity can go where it wants to go.  

That in itself is mentally healthy. Suppressing creativity and merely writing about it has not worked for me.  I want to write about projects that I am working on, not necessarily what someone else is working on, although I have been using it as motivation and inspiration to get it going again.

So . . . having said all that, I will attempt to demagnify my rear end away from the chair that sits in front of the computer . . . right now!


Quotes from Daily Om . . . this post inspired by an article entitled "Waiting for Someday" 

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Love will change us forever . . .

Another post that I'm transferring from an old blog that reminds me that some things don't change . . . I was thinking about how love has changed my life once again . . . and how some things haven't changed.  


Love will and does change us forever . . .  over and over again . . .  good and bad.


Originally posted on  March 4, 2007

How many of us have experienced something in our lives, good or bad, that changes us forever?


The past couple of days I have focused on becoming a widow/widower.

Anyway . . . I had to stop what I was doing and write this blog post. My inner sign that it is time for life's reflections . . . "therapy" time . . . and a visit with my Bloggerville buddies. One thing I have fondly realized is the difference the love and support I have received from my online friends has changed me forever. No longer do I feel alone in my struggle to move on and deal with the abrupt changes in my life . . . angels surround me.

Fate chooses whether these changes are happiness, drama or tragedy. We are somewhat responsible as we contribute to our fate . . . we don't walk out in front of a fast moving train unless we want to die . . . but ultimately, fate's changes are like a game of russian roulette.

Being an extremely spiritual person, I am ashamed to admit that I constantly ask "why me" . . . and go through the phase of being so angry at God that it is difficult to pray and be thankful for anything. That attitude doesn't help anyone and finally I am breaking through this "pity" phase. It is emotionally unhealthy and extremely unproductive.

It does not matter "why me" . . . it is what it is . . . "this is it from now on" . . . and I have had to deal with it.

Being angry at God will not bring my husband back.

It is not a soap opera . . . it is real life, as much as it sometimes sucks.

What I ultimately decided what to do with the tragic changes in my life is be grateful for what I do have, cherish the beautiful memories of the most wonderful marriage and unconditional love anyone could ever experience . . . for 22 years . . . and use those beautiful memories and lessons learned to create another beautiful time in my life.


Nothing will ever be the same again,
but I now see it as an exciting chapter
in my life that is yet to be written . . .

Back to present day . . .

And so I walked that lonely road that led me to love again and once again love has changed me forever in a different way.  One of the ironies of life . . . there is really nothing to fear . . . it is our destiny either way.

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Front Row Seat Relationships

"Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. 

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. 

Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you? 

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life."

Author Unknown

My life has been blessed and cursed with various friendships and acquaintances through the years.

Some can't even be categorized as a relationship . . . they were acquaintances that were evil and vicious, harsh lessons in life that are unfortunately necessary.  One in particular was a family member.

Many of you will wonder why I feel those relationships were necessary.  For one thing, I think these relationships make us stronger and help us recognize what is good vs evil in our relationships, even at an early age.

Those who were evil and vicious to me confused me in my younger days, wondering what I did to make them act toward me in that manner.  There were times I blamed myself for doing "something" I didn't understand.  As a result, it is my belief I became a better person for it . . . a kinder person who didn't want to make someone else feel that awful feeling I experienced.

My nature was way too trusting, even as I grew into early adulthood, when I was handed the most vicious acts of evil from those I grew to trust the most.  I was crushed.  The result was trust issues in future relationships.

That is how we form the way we react to people in general, by life experience.  Unfortunately for me, it left me with a strong distrust for my fellow human beings, no matter what my intuition told me.  For various reasons, to this day, I still don't trust my intuition completely.

My close and trusted friendships are few, but strong and very special.  I'm sorry to say that most of my truest and trusted friends have passed away recently.

I've learned to leave new friendships at arm's length and slowly work my way into strengthening the relationship.  I quickly recognize the ones that will be a draining experience, negative or downright incompatible.  As harsh as it may sound, they are discarded from my life like the morning trash.

I no longer work in my former profession that I loved and cherished so much  because of office politics . . . I just can't handle it, although some of my best friends were once co-workers.

The ones that grow into close and trusted friendships are cherished like the jewels they are.  They are my front row seat relationships, of which I include many family members, but not all.  

Those who have been discarded don't even sit in the balcony . . . my theater does not have a balcony.  There is only room in my theater for MY drama.

Life experience has taught me who is worthy and who is not.

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Emotional Boundaries

"Creating emotional boundaries increases our sense of safety and allows us to interact with others from a place of inner strength and calm. Our defensiveness usually results from feelings of powerlessness, fear, or intense vulnerability. 

Rather than striking out at perceived threats in an effort to defend ourselves, we can understand that our sense of safety and protection comes from within. As we learn to build up our confidence and inner strength, we develop the ability to detach from negativity and we no longer feel so vulnerable. We then benefit from a sense of safety and inner balance and the ability to handle any situation with a cool, calm, and contained attitude. 

By setting strong emotional boundaries today, you are affirming your ability to take care of yourself in any situation."

Source:  Daily OM

This concept of emotional boundaries peaked my curiosity.

While the concept makes sense, where are the boundaries formed?  It doesn't mention a vacation to get away from it all, or take a day to just stay in bed and not think about anything distressful.

Where is that place of inner strength and calm when we need that emotional boundaries?  The two words denote anything other than strength and calm.  I know these times take me to feelings of powerlessness and fear and the threat of vulnerability surrounds me.  

To say that it resides in the mind is totally unrealistic to me, although I know we can do anything we choose to do.  However, in those emotional times we are referring to, strength is the last thing I can grasp.

I can say from personal experience that being alone in a comfort zone can provide that safe environment. My retreat can be the sanctity of my back yard, which was soothing and beautiful, filled with the sounds of nature.  The squirrels playfully running up and down the trees, the birds singing their beautiful songs, the winds in the trees creating nature's wind chimes to soothe the soul.  The beach can be the perfect comfort zone as long as you can be alone, as a fishing pier can be that perfect place for a man.

The comfort zone can eventually take my mind to that place of solace where the boundary can exist, but I can assure you that, at least for me, it can not just appear in my mind.  I'm not that strong in those times and I have a feeling it is the same for most of us.

The unhealthy thing is to depend on alcohol or a magic pill to create the boundary for us.  My pill doctors would for sure have quite the opposite answer.  But in order to develop the inner strength that is depicted in the post, it must come naturally from within.

I'm sure that it is safe for me to say that everyone has these times.  I don't believe that anyone is perfectly emotionally balanced.  We all have our ways of coping and I believe it is through these "time outs" in our comfort zones that helps us reach that place where the emotional boundary can exist.

What do you think?

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