A Heavy Heart

The holidays are hitting me harder than usual this year.  I know it is the recent decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep a month or so ago.  I miss her terribly and feel so much guilt since I had to sign that damn paper.  It has compounded the loss of two husbands.  The good memories both help and hurt me.

I have found many groups and pages on Facebook that have helped me cope.  The following is a poem from one of them.  The source is also listed.  I could have written this myself . . .

You think she's angry, but you don't see,

The weight she carries silently.

It’s not the rage that fills her eyes,

But tiredness in a thin disguise.

She's not furious, but worn and torn,

From dreams abandoned, hopes forlorn.

She’s tired, she’s weary, she’s feeling lost,

Paying life’s relentless cost.

She’s sinking deep in a sea of doubt,

Crying softly, without a shout.

Frustration builds, but not from hate

It’s the closed doors, the heavy weight.

She promised much, her dreams were bright,

But now she battles every night.

She wants to give, to rise, to shine,

But life’s harsh currents pull the line.

So when you see her weary stare,

Know it’s not anger, but despair.

She’s fighting hard to find her way,

Hoping tomorrow’s a kinder day.

- Christina Stewart

Source for photo and poem

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When your dog is your soulmate

 

As I have grieved my fur baby Kiki, I have sought out social media forums and communities dedicated to help grievers cope with that terrible phase in their life.  It is important to surround yourself with those who have and are walking the same journey, just wanting to find peace.  Below you will find a post that said everything I have been thinking about my little girl. 

It has been over a month since she's been gone and I am still so heartbroken.  Starting to take her kennel down, her "house," has proven to be one of the most difficult endeavors ever for me.  I feel like I am betraying her and trying to erase her existence, which is so far from reality.  It is tearing me up big time.

If you are walking in my shoes, feeling the loss of a pet and grieving in a profound way, the following group on Facebook is for you.  The article below will help you understand why you are having such a difficult time when others who don't understand just think you are being ridiculous and just need to get over it.  It is that magical connection that is still so strong and always will be.

Source for article and graphics: Serendipity Corner

"When your dog is your soulmate, it feels like they’ve seen the depths of who you are and decided to love you anyway, flaws and all. There’s no pretense with them. They don’t care if you’ve had a bad day, if you’re broken, or if you’re lost. They just stay. Not because they have to, but because, for some reason, their soul fits with yours in a way that makes everything feel a little lighter.

It’s not about them reading your mind or sensing your moods like it’s some magical connection. It’s more raw than that. It’s in the moments where you feel like you’ve got nothing left to give, and yet, somehow, they bring out the part of you that still cares. It’s in their eyes, how they look at you like you’re the only thing that matters. There’s no pretending with them—no need to put up walls or hold back emotions. With them, you’re exactly who you are, and that’s enough.

And it’s more than just love—it’s the way they make you see yourself differently, the way they pull you out of places you didn’t even know you were stuck in. The bond is stronger than anything life throws at you because it’s rooted in something so simple and pure. They don’t just support you—they remind you, in the most basic, honest way, that you’re worth being loved. And when the world feels cold or distant, they’re the one soul you can count on, no matter what.

R.M. Drake 

Artist Credit: Lisa Aisato"

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Grief is a strange journey

 

I've been going through another grief journey that has knocked me down pretty hard. Losing a pet is an indescribable grief.

In order to make a real attempt of going through this loss better than the losses of two husbands, I have discovered and remember how different the feelings are when it is an innocent little creature who can't tell you they are sick. Our pets want to make us happy. Some of them take it so seriously that they can be so sick and close to death, but don't want to bother you with it. Or so it seems.

Groups I have joined to cope with pet grief have opened my eyes to this. The majority of members say that they had no idea their pet was so gravely ill and it was too late to help them survive. Their described heartache matches mine. Total devastation at the loss of their precious best friend who was always so loyal and loving.

Although I am trying to stay busy and keep my mind occupied, my little Kiki is always on my mind. I've gone through so much guilt for not picking up that she was so sick. Those groups have helped me through that guilt. There is something to be said about surrounding yourself with those who understand what you are going through since they have experienced the same journey. The journey that never ends.

"Grief is a strange journey.

Each time we embark upon it, it is as though we have never taken its roads before.

No, I have that wrong: each grief brings us through a familiar landscape carved into unrecognizable contours.

For we do not only lose another person; we lose the person we were with the one we lost."

Patricia Monaghan

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The difficulty of grieving

Someone in a group I belong to told me that I'm in the "deep of grief" and I know that the way grief manifests itself changes with time.  But it never ever goes away.

My two recent losses, The Captain and my precious little Kiki were my immediate family that I lived with and loved day after day.  I am now completely lost with both of them gone.  My home is totally silent and feels so empty without them.  

When The Captain passed away, Kiki and I grew closer and we grieved together.  Dogs do grieve just like people, but in their own little way.  I have always taught my dogs to "talk" and Kiki took talking very seriously.  In our grieving together, she knew when I was going through a rough time and she would come to me and talk, hitting my leg with her paw, like to say "listen to me, I'm talking to you and want you to feel better."  The comforting look in her eyes was indescribable.  She comforted me like no human could and that made her so much more special than she already was.  

Now I am in the "deep of grief" over losing her company and comforting, resenting the fact that I can freely walk around and not worry about her tripping me since she was a Velcro dog.  I'm finding it so difficult to move past this and learn to live without her at my side every minute of every day.

I found this poem on the internet and it perfectly relates how I have been feeling since The Captain passed away and now Kiki. 

The harder we love

Means the harder we grieve

The harder it is

To go on when they leave

The harder to sleep

And the harder to wake

To know they’re not here

With each breath that we take

It’s hard to look forward

And hard to look back

Stuck in the middle,

Imprisoned and trapped

Where the harder the darkness

The harsher the light,

The harsher this world

That keeps spinning with life

But when that world’s feeling

So painful and hard

And you can’t imagine

Escaping the dark

It might help a little

To know it’s because

The harder we grieve

Means the harder we loved

******

Becky Hemsley 2023

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Run free little girl

 

As Kiki got older, I tried to protect myself from this time I am going through.

No matter what the vet told me, I was not convinced that she was as sick as he said.  She still did her cute little dance when it was time to eat like she always did, like a healthy dog at almost 16 years old.

My little partner, my little girl is gone and I am beyond heartbroken.  When I walk around the house, I still look down to make sure I am not stepping on her since she was always at my feet.  What a weird feeling it is for her not to be there.

Betsy and Buster were waiting for her at Rainbow Bridge.

Run free little girl.

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Dark Silence

 

As a person who has gone to sleep watching television forever  because I hate silence and am especially fearful of darkness, I was not in the best frame of mind with Hurricane Milton taking out my electricity before the storm even started and didn't come back on for three or four days later.  I have honestly lost track of time or even what day it is.

It had only been a few days since I had to put my precious fur baby Kiki to sleep, so I was a big mess already.  A week or so before, Kiki and I went through Hurricane Helene alone with her on my lap on the couch . . . having her with me was a comfort and I felt better.  I went through the latest hurricane sitting alone on the couch without the emotional comfort of my precious girl.  I miss her so much.

The dark silence of those days haunted me, making the feelings of grief and the hole in my heart from losing Kiki and The Captain even more intense, making me lonelier than I have ever felt in my life.  But I remained as calm as I could possibly be and made it through a very stressful time.  Honestly, I did have a few times of freaking out.  I'm not a brave person, but have become stronger as I get older and experience more life.

The storm was brutal.  News reports state that Tampa received winds of up to 100 mph.  They were not all gusts . . . at times the winds were sustained for what seemed like forever.  I thought the roof was going to fly off my house, but it didn't.  God was there to protect me.  The only damage was a knocked over mailbox.  Surprising and grateful!

Going through the process of hearing the news that Kiki was sick and ultimately having her put to sleep was one of the worse times I have ever experienced in my life.  She was my baby and constant companion for 12 years, but she had an awesome life with so much love after the Captain and I rescued her from the shelter.  They found her roaming the streets, lost and alone.  That is another story.  

I guess God doesn't think I need peace yet.  He has more for me to learn.

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Disappointment, truth and lies

 

People in general have disappointed me more than usual lately.  I have written about the pharmacy that continues to mistreat their clients.  It isn't just me.  They finally gave me one of the medications that make my life more bearable, however, they gave me a month's worth but charged me with three months.  I didn't realize it until I tried to refill the prescription and was accused of abusing my medication.  That was the ultimate insult from this pharmacy after all the problems I've had.  For one thing, I don't take the minimum of what I can take and not even close to taking more.  I hate being dependent on pills to feel normal.  Also hate it being a case of my word against theirs and having to do without my medication again.

My latest disappointment is my little Kiki's vet.  I will start by saying that after all the loss in my life, my dog is one of the most important "people" in my life.  My latest trip to the vet for the yearly visit has majorly concerned me.  Kiki is over 15 years old, I know she is going to develop health problems sooner or later.  She is the seemingly most healthy dog I have ever had.  The vet had me scared to death that she had sepsis and was ready to die.  $1000 and a ton of medication later, I have to take her back to get tested again.  Another $1000?  I swear to God, she seems perfectly healthy to me despite the vet telling me she has all these things wrong with her.

I am a responsible dog mama.  If my baby needs these medications and testing to have a quality of life that includes her being healthy and pain free, I am totally willing to do what is necessary to make that happen.  My gut tells me that she may need medication for her arthritis and vitamins/supplements to make her feel the best she can feel, but they are stretching the truth about her overall condition. 

It is a concern for me either way.  But when my gut tells me they are playing with my emotions to make more money, that upsets me greatly.  

The older I get, the more I am also concerned with the way seniors are treated.  Never in my life have people made me feel so stupid when I know I am a very intelligent person.  Growing old was never an emotional concern, but that is changing.  I have always tried to be as nice as I can when dealing with people even when they are not.  Lately I don't care if I am nice or not.  Being a nice senior means being mistreated and taken advantage of.  Nice is perceived as being stupid.

I hate it.  Everybody is growing older . . . one day they will realize the error of their ways and I hope ask God for forgiveness.

 

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