When it comes to grief, the time of grief seems like you lost your loved one yesterday even though it has been some time. It is as if the passage of time is non-existent, yet it has flown by so fast. It really is a weird concept and feeling.
It could be that it is normal to relive the day of passing often, making it seem like yesterday. Disorientation is a normal part of my life and I can't explain it.
“When the heart grieves over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over what it has left.”
Sufi Epigram
As I experience and heal from another grief journey, I try to be aware of how I am thinking since it makes a big difference in how I feel at the time. It makes such a difference and the quote is a great example of how we can think about losing a loved one.
In my experience, I am consumed at what I've lost at first. As time passes and the memories take over and the good times are what I think about, I am left with the awesome feeling of having had that loved one in my life at all with the good and the bad memories. Usually, I concentrate on the good.
Many people I know think this way. In fact, it is like they forget everything bad and think that they have turned a bad person into a saint in their mind. Sometimes I wonder who they are talking about. That way of thinking is how they cope with the loss.
First of all, I am so grateful to have experienced the love. On the other hand, I try to be realistic about the relationship I had with them. Sweeping bad memories under the rug can come back to haunt you. It comes down to life balances.
The main thing is gratefulness. It always brings a smile to my face.
The one thing that has bothered me most in my grief journey is having to explain myself constantly and feeling like I am not heard. Having gone through the widow journey twice, I am just tired of being misunderstood and want to be totally alone to finally give myself permission to heal in my own way without being "discussed and judged" by others. Just leave me alone, you have "helped" enough. Your concern is killing me.
Rather than try to explain once again, the following post from a Facebook group perfectly describes how I have been feeling most of my adult life. In my opinion, if you truly care about someone, you try to understand instead of asking the same insulting questions over and over again . . . no wonder I no longer want to be around those who have continually hurt me. It started a long, long time ago . . . and it is more than just grief.
"When she goes quiet, it’s crucial to understand: it’s not because she has nothing left to say. Her silence isn’t emptiness; it’s incredibly full. Full of words too heavy to speak, full of emotions too raw to unravel, full of a pain that feels utterly impossible to put into coherent sentences.
My life has been like a roller coaster for as far back as when my Nana passed away when I was a young adult. It seems like I am always in the "learning how to live again without you" stage.
The hardest one is dealing with the decision to put Kiki to sleep. The devastating emotional decision came too soon after The Captain passed away and I became a true hermit.
Kiki was all the emotional support I needed and took comfort in her sweetness like when she'd put her paw on me, letting me know that she was here for me, or the look in her eyes that could talk to me without words. I depended on that love and comfort too much and loved her as much as I would have loved my own child that I never had. Signing that paper was the worse thing I have ever had to do in my whole life.
I know that I did a good thing for her since the vet told me she was so sick and loved her enough to not want her to go through pain. But making the decision to let her go is still haunting me, some days worse than others. At least I am experiencing decent days and am so grateful for finally having those days.
Now I am learning how to live alone while learning to live without those loved ones who are no longer with me. It is definitely a roller coaster of emotions. Interacting with others has become difficult for me since, at this time of my life, I have nothing to say to anyone. Look at my blog since The Captain passed away. I miss him terribly, the emotions are raw and I find it difficult to even want to speak to anyone at this time.
Once again, I am on medication for my anxiety after trying to live without it. Now I am trying a different one that works better.
My mom was recently back in town and I actually drove a short distance. It was not a complete success, although I did get out and even went to a restaurant twice. So I have made some progress even though there were some failures involved that have affected me negatively.
It is all good . . . progress is progress!
The first thing that came to mind was my faith in God. It makes me stronger no matter what others may think.
Yes, I have terrible anxiety which makes me very fearful of so many things and there are many things I have not done in my life because of it. My Christianity is often questioned because of this, which really makes me angry. However, when it comes down to it, my faith in God keeps me feeling safe regardless of how it sounds. I guess it can also be explained as choosing your battles. And I definitely choose my own no matter what.
One thing I hate more than anything in this life is having to explain myself to others. I've had to explain myself all of my life. Guess you could say it is a sore spot that also keeps me from doing some things. My intuition tells me not to and I've learned to listen. That keeps me safe in a way I can't explain as does being true to myself.
Then I go back to thinking about what "safe" really means. I keep my feelings and emotions "safe" from being hurt by simply staying away from the thing that disturbs me. Physically "safe" means just staying home and away from the general public.
Sometimes I think I'm lost, but it is a lie my emotions tells myself during bad times. I always make it through. But maybe it is because I acknowledge my feelings and try to figure out how to deal with it. It is never about feeling sorry for myself.
I've finally reached the place in my life where I don't care what others think about me and the way I live my life.
Memories . . . even the bad ones. They contribute to who I am. I don't really know why they keep me safe, but they do. Maybe because they prove that I am a survivor going way back. They also prove to me that good times do exist, even after bad times. And they are reminders of what happiness meant to me. Important reminders in life.
The main thing is self-acceptance and love.
Quality of life is subjective depending on how you perceive it. I'm not sure that even made sense. It did to me. Other than the emotional stress I put on myself, my quality of life is pretty good.
I have always been the type of person who could be alone in life and still have a good quality of life and experience happiness. At an early age, people let me down and hurt me, making it easy to depend on myself since I have always felt there were few in my life I could trust not to hurt me. And really, for that I am grateful since I am a stronger person for it. Stronger does not mean happier though.
Not trusting others is one of those things that does not make my life happier. It just makes me so aware of others and ready to deal with disappointment. In my whole life, there are very few people I have allowed close to me. And with those few, many of them were a mistake to let close. We live and learn, don't we?
Since The Captain was ill before he passed away and since then, I allowed those who hurt me get the best of me and as a result, I have isolated myself, determined to be happy on my own and protect myself from further hurt. It is so foolish to allow others to determine your happiness. Even those we truly love.
I have learned that all I need is to believe in myself, be grateful for all that God has blessed me with and KNOW and acknowledge exactly how blessed I really am. There is not much that I really need to worry about, so I have decided that it is time to shed the extreme sadness from grief and the anger of those who hurt me, find joy in the little things in life and make the quality of my life the best it has ever been.
