Be faithful to that which exists within yourself.
André Gide
It has finally occurred to me that I don't have to apologize for who I am.
Many don't understand why I love being a homebody finding peace in my solitude at home.
When I met The Captain, I desired one person who could understand me and he was the one. And of course I wanted the attention and love from my dog Kiki. Now that they are both gone, the grieving for not having them in my life anymore brought me to crave being totally alone to find my peace. I lost my precious family.
I'm now protecting the peace I found.
My life has changed drastically since my younger days when I enjoyed having lots of friends and family in my life. My first husband and I would throw large parties all the time. Our home was the party place.
Many people hurt me in my work life and my personal life. I took it without fighting back for decades. I slowly retreated from society. After my first husband passed away, I let few people close to me as I sought solitude.
Then I reached a new phase that was much like my present place in life. I guess grieving the loss of the one person I loved with all my heart caused me to question who I am at the time. Losing a partner brought me to a totally new place in life that has required solitude to reevaluate life and my place in it. At least that is how it has been for me after losing both husbands. I've been through it twice.
I have been criticized for how I handle grief and many other things. That was the tipping point to losing my tolerance for the bullshit of people.
Now I really don't care.
Home is the one place where I don't fear judgment. Being home alone at this point in my life has been a softer place to land in comfort. Through my grief, turning away from people who criticize has taken me from anger to joy.
I'm not running away from life, I'm enjoying my comfortable solitude.
Maybe at the right moment I will want back into society, but I doubt it.
