In my life, my purpose has changed numerous times. What I have identified with has progressed from one thing to another. What has been important has also changed.
So here I am, at a crossroads in my life, wondering what my purpose is. When The Captain passed away, I immediately went from being part of a married couple to being a single woman. When Kiki passed away, I was no longer a dog mom. Both gave me love and varying purpose.
My only definite purpose in life has been to be happy and content. I don't remember having a time that I could honestly say I achieved that happiness and contentment. As a child, I developed my illogical fear of so many things. Fear was the major emotion I learned from my adopted father who hated me for reasons I don't want to get into and still don't understand. My godfather, who was a very sarcastic man, nicknamed me "Smiley" because I never smiled.
And so the unhappiness developed and never really went away. No matter what life phase I was going through, those emotions were hiding underneath the surface of my being. It continued through recent times, mostly with grief that started as a young adult and never went away, along with unhappiness. Ultimately depression. Yes, I have been to a therapist.
Back to the crossroads of my life, I do know what I want more than anything is to be happy, joyous and content. As a retired person who worked so hard all my life, maybe my purpose should be to relax, love myself and just be the person I want to be and do what I want to do when I want to do it. Make myself happy.
As my recent grief for my little family, The Captain and Kiki, goes through the various phases, I have finally reached acceptance. I could not be anything else but the person trying to figure out how to live my life without them in it. As I reached that acceptance phase, I have wondered about the rest of my life and what would make me happy.
The answer is happiness and contentment . . . peace, love and happiness. Actually, it is what my blog started out as, an exploration of those three words with their differing meanings and finding that place my life that is filled with peace, love and happiness all at one time. The grief surrounding the death of my first husband intensified my unhappiness and depression which led me to writing about my emotions and those three little words. Then I went from hope of happiness with The Captain to intense grief . . . again.
Little by little, I am realizing my freedom to be who I want to be and that thought has made me happy. I have not worried about the many physical problems with my house and concentrated on getting through the grief. The concentration slowly progressed to searching for true joy. And I have been finding it just being myself, happy with myself without the hate and guilt that consumed me. I directed it toward myself and I am so happy to know that phase of my life is over.
I have nothing to be guilty about, no reason to hate myself, no reason to not be happy. The self-hate I felt derived from my father's hate for me and I FINALLY realize it was not my fault. It was simply emotional abuse from a very sick man.
All of the negativity in my life is in the past. I have put it all in an imaginary box and placed on a shelf that I can't reach and never want to.
Peace and happiness is creeping in and that is making me content. For the first time in my life, I know what my purpose is.
If you are having similar emotions you are holding inside, write about it, blog about it personally or publicly. The result is a slow purging of why. You have to understand yourself before you can heal.
My belief is everything in life happens for a reason. I had to go through all that to get to where I am today and I hope I can help others.
