Burned out or slightly charred?

My brother was rushed to the hospital with chest pains last night . . . my mom ran off with my sister-in-law to Tallahassee where he lives and works during the week.  My mom recently had a heart attack . . . of course, I worry about her.

Although I’m a Christian with a positive attitude and a lot of faith, that faith has been tested over and over and over again in recent years . . . sometimes with no relief between life circumstances to get a firm grip before the next thing is thrown on me. I’m tired . . . burned out . . . or just slightly charred?

I’ve had the same revelation several times when too much was on my plate and I start to lose faith and hope . . . I’m burned out. As I read from my book, “Simple Abundance”, I came across the section called “Recognizing Burnout Before You’re Charred.”

You know, I think that I’m a little more than slightly charred . . . but on the other hand, I am always able to get up from what I call “falling down.” Seems like since the new millennium  began, it has been long streak of bad luck and unfortunate situations that don’t want to stop. Every time I pray for gratitude, peace and contentment in my soul and go from one moment to the next telling myself, “this too shall pass.”

My “burnout” is seen as my ying/yang thing of peace, love and happiness being out of balance . . . “running on fumes rather than fuel.” It is burnout when nothing satisfies you because you haven’t a clue what’s wrong or how to fix it. Because everything is wrong. Nothing feels right and you don’t know why. Totally out of balance and everything is out of whack. It is not depression although it feels similar. I’m feeling so helpless.

In search of this balance, I spent the day easing up on myself, stopped beating myself up long enough to be grateful for what I have been blessed with and spent a great deal of time in prayer and contemplation, silence, waiting for that still small voice to speak to me, giving me direction. My burnout is feeling like years of nothingness and living with no purpose . . . like a restless wave that has suddenly swept over me.

I know it is current life circumstances . . . my perspective is blurred, making everything seem inside out, upside down . . . frantic to find that place of peace where I can hide and feel safe.

Life history has shown me that “this too shall pass” . . . but when one is in the midst of the storm, you feel as though the tide is gonna pull you out to sea . . . it is that helpless feeling.

Can you relate to the feeling of

burned out or slightly charred?

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Ordinary world

What has happened to me?

Crazy, some would say

Where is the life that I recognize?

Gone away

lyrics from the song Ordinary World by Duran Duran

Many of my posts go back in time as I reorganize my journals. This entry was inspired by the featured song, Ordinary World recorded by Duran Duran. 

As I listened to music one lonely night in November several years ago, very depressed and still struggling with my new reality, feeling abandoned by everything that was normal in my ordinary world.

The dreaded holidays were approaching and I was feeling very alone in the world . . . they were no longer joyous for me and I wanted to hide. I spent the holidays completely alone that year . . . it is what I needed. Being around “normalcy” made me feel like more of a freak than I already did.

Dealing with grief is the hardest thing that we can do as humans . . . and it is my greatest hope to help others who are thinking they are going crazy as a result of changed life circumstances. Those who have lost their spouse go through a difficult time, some worse than others. He was my everything . . . and he took a part of me with him . . . life as I knew it was gone and everything changed.

I’ve finally admitted that my suicidal tendencies were screaming at me and seemed like a romantic fantasy . . . a way out of the eternal hell that was my life. Fighting them was a difficult endeavor, but I did. The words “this too shall pass” held my faith together to make it through another day, sometimes another moment.

It is taking me a very long time to come back to life, but I feel like I have truly moved on even if I have not moved on with a new partner . . . I’ve had to find myself all over again and my journey is still not over. Blogging and letting out my emotions into words has saved my life. Looking back helps to see the tremendous progress and gives me so much hope for the future.

I remember this night vividly . . . this song played over and over again, I wanted to feel all of the emotions I was feeling as I sat in my dark room, still a smoker, smoking one cigarette after another, a very strong rum and coke in the other hand. I didn’t stop until I drank myself to sleep.

My serious drinking days are over and I have been a non-smoker for over two years . . . I made it through those dark days and now I know I can make it through anything . . .


November . . . several years ago . . .

I am learning how to survive alone in this world as a widow . . . it isn’t always easy, mainly it is a lonely existence I didn’t in my wildest dreams expect to ever be in. My life was set . . . my ordinary world was perfect for me . . . I was happy, so content in my paradise with the man that I committed my life to so many years before. Where is the world I recognize?

It is like a distant memory after all these years . . . almost surreal, like a dream . . . “Here today, forgot tomorrow.” This song brings those feelings of fading memories to mind. It is so sad how life goes on although it must . . . what is the alternative? A life of no life? No matter how difficult, one must move on . . . leaving what once was behind, looking back with melancholy memories.

What has happened to me? Where are my friends when I need them the most? My spirit has been broken, my friends changed as did my status as a person in this world. I was no longer a married lady . . . I was suddenly single in my ordinary world of married couples that I could no longer fit in with.

As I’ve tried to find my way to the "ordinary world," I’ve learned so much about people . . . about friends . . . about family . . . I’m learning how to survive on my own, alone, because no one is guaranteed to be there to help you do it . . . many run for fear you may need something from them. Let them run . . . I need strength, not fear . . . as I find the strength from within.

A favorite song is like an old friend, faithful and true . . . always there when you need it.  Today I needed to hear “Ordinary World” and contemplate on what the words of this song means to me.   It has always been one of my favorite songs from Duran Duran, however, I had never heard it in this way . . .

In the vacuum of my heart . . . still I can’t escape the ghost of my perfect past, but I can’t cry for yesterday, it is gone . . . never to return, somehow I have to find the strength to continue on my journey to my new life which will one day be my ordinary world . . . until then I feel like a lost soul, caught between three worlds . . . yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I can relate to the lyrics of this song so much it is almost scary to me . . . the irony of art imitating life. That is one of the things I love about music . . . it is an expression of life itself . . .

There is an ordinary world somehow I have to find . . .

Lyrics

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can’t escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
“Pride will tear us both apart”
Well now pride’s gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some’d say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one Is my world

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Nothing is impossible

Faith and a positive mental attitude work hand in hand in making things happen. A recurring theme of my blog is maintaining positive vibes and staying stress-free no matter what is going on in your life.

It took me along time to realize that I was making myself crazy over things that were out of my control . . . so much that I could not focus on those things that were in my control that could make a difference.

In my quest to turn my attitude toward life around, I have learned that our brains are subconsciously programmed. Our behaviors are guided by reactions determined through our thoughts. Unfortunately, for some of us, unpleasant events trigger those deeply rooted negative thought patterns.

With faith and a positive mental attitude, nothing is impossible. Every day I make a conscious effort to put my faith into action by the words I speak, determined by what I put into my inner being.

The good news is that I am learning how to reprogram my subconscious thoughts so I react differently when problems arise, making it so much easier to cope with life when times get rough.

Life is so much more pleasant with a smile on my face instead of crying and wearing an ugly frown.

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Tragic society

The news of more and more foreclosures, rising unemployment and general financial disasters has made me wonder when things would start getting really crazy as society becomes so distraught, feeling like they are pushed against the wall with nowhere to go.

It occurred to me tonight that the tragedies have begun and we need to be aware of those close to us . . . you never know what a person or a family is going through.

In recent news I read of a man who froze to death in his home . . . his electricity had been turned off. Didn’t anyone know he was in that situation? An act of kindness as simple as a ride to a local shelter so he could sleep in a warm room and the man would be alive today. It reminded me of a news story I heard a year or two ago where a man was dead in his house for months, maybe even a year . . . and no one knew . . .

Another story hit me as so tragic today . . . a man and his wife both lost their jobs . . . they were found shot to death in their home, along with their children . . . murder/suicide. The story of why was faxed to the local television station before the deaths occurred.

It is tragic desperation . . . I don’t believe in the government bailing out society when money does not grow on trees and “society” is becoming financially devastated and unemployed . . . where does it end? We, as a society, must start helping each other in little ways that will make a difference.

There is always coping with life and a way out of a situation . . . time and faith for starters. Death is not the way, although sometimes I think the ones not having to go through the type of struggles our society is embarking upon are the peaceful souls as we are entering into a time in our world that is a form of hell on earth. We will soon hear these stories with daily frequency and become more desensitized than we already are.

While I can understand the mentality of being distraught, I also know that if we take a moment at a time, think about the situation, reach out to each other, draw closer together . . . there is nothing we can’t do as a society . . . we have no choice but to help each other survive.

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Another beautiful ending

Sometimes when I am feeling strong positive vibes with abounding faith, it seems like the powers that be want to test me.

One of my best friends died in an accident today . . . sudden death. At least it happened fast and he didn’t feel the trauma of death upon him, although he had an accident a couple of months ago that had him in rehabilitation for months. He was just starting to feel “normal” again.

When someone close to me dies suddenly, I go through the shock and asking God why. This guy was always the first one to help out his neighbors in a crisis. Just a week or so ago, he bought one of his friends a used car because “he needed it and didn’t have the means to buy it himself”. He was everyone’s angel who came to the rescue of anyone who needed assistance.

My husband now has one of his best friends to keep him company in heaven . . . two of the good guys while there are murderers, thieves, terrorists and bad people in general running around this earth.

Another beautiful ending in my life. While I know that God has his own plan, I am left to continue living this life with lots of faith that everything is going to be ok. 

Just the other night, we discussed the state of the world and he told me we would all be ok if we stuck together.  We all need angels too . . .

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