Emotional affairs

This post was originally written
October 3, 2007

Once upon a time, affairs involved physical intimacy . . . but in a world of 24/7 access to the internet comes the emotional affair . . . an affair that is strictly emotional, an innocent escape and doesn't hurt anyone. Or does it?

I can relate to how it hurts the single woman since I've been there . . . the emotional affair, the long distance relationship . . . whatever you want to call the romantic entanglements I have found myself in online . . . most don't have the opportunity to "go anywhere". The emotional affair/relationship that is strictly an escape . . . if you can perceive it as "an escape."

In my case of finding love online with someone on the other side of midnight was very painful, just like an offline relationship you have in real life, maybe even more painful since I was in a self-imposed prison. They were emotional affairs that prevented me from pursuing other interests as I made myself believe that it could work out and we had a real chance at a future together. Many couples do make long distance relationships work . . . but you have to be realistic. Those relationships should have been treated strictly as escapes and that is it.

In the early days of my exploring the outside world through cyberspace, I would keep my profile "on", making it possible for anyone to do a search and find that I was available to chat online. That was a practice that didn't last long. Most of the knocks on the door were from local married men, bored at work, wanting to find a local woman to chat with and ultimately have a "real" affair with. And the most bizarre were the couples seeking a third party since they were probably sexually bored. I live in Florida . . . you would not believe the number of couples who were lining up a "girl toy" for their Florida vacation. No. thank you . . . .

Back to the single person having an emotional affair . . . a person who is already in a romantic relationship having an emotional affair enjoys the best of both worlds . . . the "single" person gets cheated. Why? They are probably emotionally invested in the relationship and probably don't have the time, energy or interest in seeking out a healthy and whole relationship of their own.

While the comfort and amazing feelings of genuine love from an emotional affair may last for years, that emotional connection will probably lead to the lack of real and lasting love resulting in unhappiness and wasted time.

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Eternal Flame

Love is like an eternal flame,

Once it is lit,
it will continue to burn for all time.

Love isn't blind,
it just sees what matters.





The Bangles|Eternal Flame 
Lyrics

Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming?
Is this burning an eternal flame?

I believe it’s meant to be, darling
I watch when you are sleeping, you belong to me
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming
Or is this burning an eternal flame?

Say my name, sun shines through the rain
A whole life so lonely, and then you come and ease the pain
I don’t want to lose this feeling
[break]

Say my name, sun shines through the rain
A whole life so lonely, and then you come and ease the pain
I don’t want to lose this feeling

Close your eyes and give me your hand
Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming
Or is this burning an eternal flame?
[break]

Is this burning an eternal flame?

An eternal flame?

(Close your eyes and give me your hand
Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming
Or is this burning an eternal flame?)

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Intimate attractions and the love vibe

~ You're My Desire | Sarah Connor ~


You know the feeling -- sometimes eyes meet from across a room and you feel that shiver up your spine, those tingling butterflies in the pit of your stomach.

Those intimate attractions can be attributed to something called a love vibe -- distinctive energies that collide, making romantic chemistry. I've felt it, lived it . . . much more than just having a soul mate, it is the most complete feeling ever. 

There is nothing like the "love vibe" . . . romantic chemistry that takes over like a wildfire. Sometimes the unspoken love vibe takes over . . . a communication like a silent embracing of the souls . . . so strong and beautiful . . . in that moment, complete peace takes over and an inner joy consumes me, momentarily taking my breath away. 

Love is worth taking risks. In this life that can be so sad and hateful, love is the only thing worth anything. It is what is pure and innocent, out of control, never to be controlled except from the heart and soul, driven by fate and destiny. Love with no expectations . . . the open hand for the bird to fly away and come back willingly . . . learning to live for the moment and not worry about what the future holds. 

The future has been written anyway . . . no one has anything to say about it . . . it just happens!

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Frequency of abundance

When one feels love and trust that surrounds them one moves
into a frequency of abundance where the knowing that all
their basic needs and more are met. One knows they shall have
whatever they wish for in this life and one truly creates that.




~He's UnBelievable (Radio Version) - Sarah Connor~


Few things in life are perfect . . . and neither are romantic relationships. But even in turbulent times, love enriches my life in so many other ways than not. It is that abundance that really matters . . . it drives me to many positive places.

There is a trust that envelops me when the presence of love is felt . . . a very powerful, all consuming presence that is dynamic and arrogant which sometimes relinquishes my control and wants to take me over . . . "it" surrounds me, leaving me with a peaceful, safe aura where nothing can hurt me.

His voice has the most dynamic rhythmic force I've ever heard . . . like a beautiful song that I want to hear over and over again. The voice that can calm a violent storm or add fuel to a raging fire . . . a contradiction of everything good and evil.

He is the lover I have waited for all these years, the one who has always been there in spirit all this time and will be the lover who consumes my body, soul and spirit . . . a mirror I can look into and see myself . . . never to leave again . . . with a frequency of abundance.

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Hello mirror . . . I love you

~ Why Should I Care | Toni Braxton ~

Do you want to meet the love of your life?
Look in the mirror!

(Byron Katie)

Originally written September 21, 2008

I may sometimes let myself down, but I have control over it. Me, myself and I  will always be here, it is the most important relationship I can have and nurture. Embracing your solitude to the next level . . . truly being happy alone and loving yourself.

If there is one thing I have learned in life, you really can't depend on another person to fulfill you and one should never let it happen. You set yourself up for disappointment every time if you allow that other person to be anything more than an enhancement in your life. No one can be your "everything" . . . that is the role of an individual. We all need to embrace our solitude even if we have someone to share life with.

Even if you have that person to share your life with that loves you more than life, like JR loved me . . . he never would have left me, he made me feel secure in his love . . . God had other plans and took him and his life from me. Heaven needed another angel, so even though JR didn't disappoint me or let me down, the outcome is the same . . . I am alone and disappointed with my life as it is. Still, after six years of becoming a widow. Had I embraced my solitude while being part of a couple, I could have handled this part of my life much better.

Loving and depending on yourself is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you are the love of your life. Then be grateful for all of your positive attributes and know the beautiful person that you are.

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Intuition and red flags

~ Coming Around Again | Simon Webbe ~

Another new year has come and gone.

My intuition was correct about last year . . .
it was my year to finally get connected
with the real world!

Last year brought many changes to my life with

the biggest change being the ability to let go of my

fear of the unknown as it relates to my personal and

professional life as well.


Learning how to read the red flags and listen to that

inner voice called intuition has been instrumental in

guiding me to where I should be . . .

and having the faith in God to know that intuition

is the spiritual guidance that can be trusted.



It was a matter of putting one foot in front of the other,

taking baby steps rather than rushing into

anything . . . but nevertheless moving forward

without fear.

This post was originally written
December 8, 2008

Just as the universe wants to provide for our needs, it also seeks to protect us from dangerous situations, destructive relationships, and even minor inconveniences. Frequently in our lives, perhaps everyday, we encounter psychic red flags warning us of potential problems or accidents. We may not always recognize the signs. However, more often than not, we may choose to ignore our intuition when it tells us that "something just isn’t right."

Red flags often come in the form of feelings urging us to pause for a moment, listen to our intuition, and reconsider. We may even experience a "bad" feeling in our bellies. This is a red flag letting us know that there may be a problem. We may not even know what the red flag is about. All we know is that the universe is trying to wave us in a different direction. We just have to pay attention and go another way. We may even wonder whether we are paranoid or imagining things. However, when we look back at a situation or relationship where there were red flags, it becomes easy to understand exactly what those warning signs meant. More often than not, a red flag is not a false warning. Rather, it is the universe’s way of informing us, through our own innate guidance system, that our path best lies elsewhere.

We may try to ignore the red flags waving our way, dismissing our unease as illogical. Yet it is always in our best interest to pay attention to them. For example, we may meet someone who outwardly seems perfect. They are intelligent, attractive, and charming. Yet, for some reason, being around them makes us feel uneasy. Any interactions we have with them are awkward and leave us feeling like there is something "off" about the situation. This is not necessarily a bad person. But, for some reason, the universe is directing us away from them. Red flags are intended with our best interests at heart. No harm can ever come from stopping long enough to heed a red flag. Pay attention to any red flags that pop up. The universe is always looking out for you.
Source: DailyOM



There are times in my life that I only had a feeling that something was wrong, but had no proof. In every one of those instances, there WAS something wrong, very wrong. My intuition has never been wrong and I am learning to listen to it over and above anything else.

Lately I've been teetering on the edge of getting out into the real world and going to those places where you can meet someone special, but so fearful since we live in a very strange world and I've heard so many horror stories . . . including my very limited experience in recent past. But a friend reminded me that I need to rely on my intuition and instincts to weed out the bad and enjoy the company of the good people that still roam this earth. Not everyone is "out to get me" . . . and I could possibly gain some valued friendships.

This was my year of awakening and venturing out in the real world a bit . . . as this year comes to an end and the new year is around the corner, I need to think of the next year as my year of connecting with the real world . . . while on the lookout for those red flags . . .

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The gift of love and adoration

~ The One Thing | INXS ~


Making every day special is important. Being unpredictable is a good thing and expressing affection in different ways is what kept the love alive in my long and happy marriage that tragically ended way too suddenly and took a beautiful life from this earth. Of course every day was not perfect, but my memories are beautiful, loving and happy because we had an amorous and adoring give and take that so blessed my life.


You may find yourself feeling a strong sense of adoration for that special person in your life. This amorous feeling probably brings on the urge of wanting to express your affection as often as possible.

Even though we may not be able to be together every moment of every day, we can find creative ways to express our feelings of love and adoration. Finding ways to surprise those we love and put a smile on their faces can be an awesome experience.

The best gifts are those that represent those awesome emotions . . . they show that we are cared for and that the thoughts we have shared have been heard and understood. It can be as simple as a look of understanding or a squeeze of the hand. When we take the time and thought to give these kinds of gifts, we express our appreciation for all that this person has shared with us. The acknowledgment of those we love is one of the greatest gifts we can give. Another wonderful gift is the gift of ourselves.

When we love, trust and adore another, the reward is the sharing of our beauty within . . . a gift that doesn't cost a thing, but means so much. Give that special person you love the gift of yourself today . . .

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New Beginnings

Times Like These ~ Foo Fighters

"Behold, I make all things new."

Rev 21:5

"One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things."

Henry Miller

"The majority of men meet with failure because of their lack of persistence in creating new plans to take the place of those which fail."

Napoleon Hill

"Success comes from taking the initiative and following up... persisting... eloquently expressing the depth of your love. What simple action could you take today to produce a new momentum toward success in your life?"

Tony Robbins

In a previous post I mentioned that the start of a new year is much like a new chapter in a book . . . it could also be the start of a new book, depending on the life path and circumstances. Attitude has everything to do with it.

Since starting my new job in the mental health industry, I've been exposed to various ways of thinking . . . from that of the clients as well as my co-workers.

One of the clients has obviously had a miserable holiday season . . . I can relate since I dread them every year since becoming a widow. However, the new year has since marked the end of the dreaded season and my usual optimistic attitude dwells on the hope and positive vibes of that new beginning.

When I mentioned that to the client, he stated that "every day is the same . . . the same ole crap, day after day." He has no hope for change and doesn't see it as a new beginning . . . classic negative thinking that keeps him down and depressed.

I remember thinking how much more sad I would have been all these years if I didn't at least have faith and hope, even though I was disappointed year after year and so tired of falling back into depression and picking myself back up.

New Years Day is just a symbolic day for a new beginning . . . positive thinking, a healthy optimistic attitude and determination to make life a pleasant experience can change from one day to another, no matter what day it is. New beginnings are like that . . . they are a state of mind.

May your day be filled with peace, love and happiness!

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Resolutions and the new year

If we make our goal to live a life of
compassion and unconditional love,
then the world will indeed become a garden
where all kinds of flowers can bloom and grow.

Dr. Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross



My year ended with one of the most chaotic days I've had in recent past. As the ball dropped last night, it amazed me that I had made it without crashing asleep by midnight . . . I had to, it is tradition to see the ball come down.

Many thoughts came to mind in the last minutes of the old year, in particular, last year was the year that finally turned my life around in so many ways. Guess you could say it was my year to return to "normal" life and stop waiting to die after becoming a widow.

God has richly blessed me!

At the moment the new year was born, my thoughts flashed to the future . . . one that has so much hope, promise and finally, the opportunity for everything I have dreamed about. Symbolically, the new year is a new chapter in one's book of life, a new beginning that emerges from one second to another.

This season crept up on me and flew by, leaving me with no time to think about resolutions. For the first time in a very long time, my mind was occupied with so much more than "what if" and hope. The things I had hoped for had already arrived . . . I'm living the life I so desired.

Resolutions are typically broken before February rolls around . . . at least mine have been in the past. The decision was made last night to not make any resolutions.

The quote at the beginning of this post is how I decided to live my life last year . . . it is an ongoing goal . . . as are the three little words I have strived for my entire adult life . . . peace, love and happiness . . . it is all that really matters in the scope of a lifetime.

Happy New Year my friends!

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Days with tears

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become."

Carl Jung, was a Swiss psychiatrist and founder of Jungian psychology

"Suffering is not holding you. You are holding suffering. When you become good at the art of letting sufferings go, then you'll come to realize how unnecessary it was for you to drag those burdens around with you. You'll see that no one else other than you was responsible. The truth is that existence wants your life to become a festival."

Osho, was Indian mystic, guru and philosopher

How many times did I almost give up on life
and just settle for waiting to die?

When I came across the above quotes, all I could think of was the wasted time I spent being upset with my life circumstances. No matter how many times I picked myself up after falling into another one of those traps that life throws out, I stayed down way too long. Maybe I needed to be there and think about that a lot. I've come to the conclusion that we sometimes have to "go there" . . . hit rock bottom to realize how serious the situation is and pull out all the strength inside to get out of it before it becomes all consuming to the point of no return.

This is one of the greatest lessons I have learned . . .

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Fear and insecurity

	"LET me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless in facing them." Rabindranath Tagore "When we love, we are courageous; and courage has nothing to do with being fearless,  it's about being willing to  experience fear, even dread,  to do what we must, without guarantee of outcome." Vanna Bonta

We seek to control our lives when we do not trust, when we do not love. Our ego, perceiving itself to be vulnerable and insecure, uses control in an effort to protect itself. At the root of our need to control, we find FEAR. It may be fear of the unknown. Fear of not coping. Fear of loss. Or possibly even fear of looking stupid. And as our efforts to control other people and events invariably fail, our fear increases. Trust, on the other hand, is a quality of the soul. While control is a tool of the mind, trust and faith are aspects of the heart. Trust comes with the deep knowing that we are spiritual beings in physical bodies. When we trust enough in life to give up our need to control, we can relax and open to the flow of energy in our lives. This brings peace of mind. 

Source - www.higherawareness.com

Fear can be paralyzing, making those things we truly desire to do become impossible.  The phobias born from fear can be defeated in the mind, where the desire can be courageous enough to battle those fears.

Anyone can do anything they set their mind to do.

 

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Courage to love

Put letting yourself be loved on your
resolution list for the coming new year


"You can never cross the ocean unless
you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Christopher Columbus, was a Genoese explorer whose voyages
across the Atlantic Ocean led to general European awareness
of the American continents.


"Mount the stallion of love and do not fear the path,
love's stallion knows the way exactly. With one
leap, love's horse will carry you home."
Rumi,was a 13th-century Persian poet and mystic.






Lack of courage can keep us from living a beautiful, happy life. Allowing another person to love us and returning that love has to be one of the scariest things we will ever experience.

There is a saying that I remember every time I meet someone new . . . you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before finding the prince. Ok, so maybe those aren't the exact words, but you get the point. My courage comes from being a widow after experiencing a long and happy marriage to a very sweet man . . . and still believing in fairy tales and knowing that it would happen again if I just have faith in God.

Sitting behind my keyboard has been my preferred method of finding my life partner since I don't like kissing frogs. For many, online love itself is a scary endeavor . . . for me, finding the right person in the real world through dating is frightening to the point of total avoidance.

The method does not really matter . . . what matters is having the courage to try and having faith that God will take you down the path you need to walk on. When it is finally right, it is worth all the hurt experienced running into the frogs who were never destined to be the prince.

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A gift of the heart

Letting People Know You Love Them

It’s easy to take our feelings for granted and to assume that the people we care about know how we feel about them. But while those we love are often quite cognizant of our feelings, saying "I love you" is a gift we should give to our loved ones whenever we can. Letting people know you love them is an important part of nurturing any kind of loving relationship. Few people tire of being told they are loved, and saying "I love you" can make a world of difference in someone’s life, take a relationship to a new level, or reaffirm and strengthen a steady bond. Everyone needs to hear the words "I love you." Three simple words – I - Love - You. When you declare your love for someone you admit to them that you care for them in the most significant way.

It can be difficult to express your love using words, particularly if you grew up around people that never expressed their affection verbally. But you should never be afraid to say "I love you" or worry that doing so will thrust you into a position of excessive vulnerability. It is important to share your feelings with those that matter to you. Part of the fulfillment that comes with loving someone is telling them that you love them. Besides, love exists to be expressed, not withheld.

If you love someone, let them know. Don’t be afraid of the strength of your emotions or worry that your loved one won’t feel the same way. Besides, the words "I love you" are often best said to another without expectation of a return investment. As each one of us is filled with an abundance of love, there is never any worry that you’ll run out of love if your expression of love isn’t said back to you. Saying, "I love you" is a gift of the heart sent directly via words to the heart of a recipient. Even though it may not always look that way, love from the heart is an offering that is always unconditional and given without strings attached. That is the true essence of the gift of "I love you."

Source: The Daily OM

When I finally found that man who loved me unconditionally and realized that we could share a lifetime together in peace, love and happiness, I had no problem telling him how much I loved him.

My heart had been broken waiting and waiting for the one who never came back from the military and I always blamed myself for having too much pride and not letting him know how I really felt about him. When I fell in love with JR, I was not about to lose him for the lack of him knowing how I felt because of so many regrets I was feeling about the other guy.

There are differing degrees of love . . . and they are all important . . . all of them must be expressed often and appreciated for the jewels that they are. Love is the one thing the human spirit and money can't control, but it can be nurtured for the beauty that it is.

After all this time since JR passed away, I have been given the gift of love again and I have given him the gift of my heart forever.

Merry Christmas . . . my first one in a very long time that almost feels normal . . . wishing  you were here with me.  

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Miss you . . .

Missing someone will tell you a lot about your relationship . . . if someone is away and you don’t really notice their absence or enjoy your life more . . . that definitely should speak volumes about the state of your relationship.


But if you feel a bit lost and lonely,
that should tell you something else.


Missing someone is a reminder of the important role that this person plays in your life and could also be one of the telltale signs of love. Missing someone is one of those measurements of what’s in your heart.

Do you find yourself separated from that special someone in your life today and your heart aches a bit from missing them? Just smile and know that if they are missing you too, you are very rich indeed and have something that money can’t buy!

Miss you!

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The Thrill of Romance

"When we feel anxious, excited, nervous, and thrilled, we are probably experiencing romance, not love. Romance can be a lot of fun as long as we do not try to make too much of it.

Romance may lead to love, but it may also fade without blossoming into anything more than a flirtation. If we cling to it and try to make it more, we might find ourselves pining for a fantasy, or worse, stuck in a relationship that was never meant to last."

Source: The Daily Om



Do you remember a time in your life

 when romance led to love?

Can you tell the difference?

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Self-acceptance and perfection

“We have the need to be accepted and to be loved by others, but we cannot accept and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves the way we are, and why we don't accept others the way they are.” 

Don Miguel Ruiz

 

“The maxim ‘Nothing but perfection’ may be spelled ‘Paralysis.’”

Winston Churchill

“After enough mirror gazing, we all develop our ‘cosmic sense of humor.’ We no longer try to be perfect, or try to get all our work done in time. We become content with whatever life brings. Just to deal with what comes up without crucifying ourselves or others is enough of a challenge.”

Paul Ferrini

Attaining self-acceptance has brought me to the place in life where I no longer beat myself up because I am not perfect. It has taken me a lifetime to realize that no matter how hard anyone tries, they will never be perfect. Having said that, it doesn't mean giving up on striving for perfection . . . it is about accepting that which is imperfect after attempting to be the best person you can be, doing the best job you can do, loving yourself and being proud of what you did accomplish. 

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses no matter who we are. Maximizing our strengths and strengthening our weaknesses through setting realistic goals and doing everything possible to attain them helps to get to the place of self-acceptance. 

What good does almost hitting a goal make if the bar is raised before we are able to get there? All that does is create the illusion of failure when we should be proud of getting close to hitting that goal.

My parents gave me an awesome foundation as a child, teaching me to always do my best . . . but they expected perfection. When it seemed like I was ready to hit a goal they had set for me, that bar would be raised and I always felt not quite "good enough" leading to a life of frustration with myself and making perfection in everything I do as the goal. Little did I know that I would never hit that goal . . . no one can.

Perfection is an awesome thing to strive for, however, when it becomes a life obsession, that is not a good thing. It only leads to self-hatred . . . something I dealt with all of my life. I have wasted so much of my life beating myself up.

Setting realistic goals is the healthy balance.

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The strength of love

The more you are motivated by love,
the more fearless and free your actions will be.

Dalai Lama


My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry;
to get my work done and try to love somebody
and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Maya Angelou

It doesn't have to be romantic love, although in my opinion, that is the strongest of all love. All forms of love are capable of providing us strength, courage, and self-confidence.

Love makes me fearless in many ways, fearful in other ways . . . somewhere in the middle is the beautiful emotion of feeling safe in his arms. That initial feeling of safety begins to tear those emotional walls down and melts my heart, making me emotionally stronger as a person.

While the rational mind will bring assurance that physically, love does not make us stronger, the euphoric feeling of romantic love turns on the confidence that with this person feeling the same emotions, we have become one strong and fearless entity.

As trust in the other person builds, that feeling of safety, strength and fearlessness can make us do things we previously thought was impossible and anything is possible. In the movie Titanic, Jack was the "king of the world" . . . of course he wasn't, but love made him feel like he was.

Nothing is more important to me than to make that person proud of my accomplishments, proud of who I am as a person who continually strives to be the best person I can be and proud I am the person he fell in love with.

Anything is possible with any person who is willing and able to do these things for themselves, however, love provides the strength and motivation to see it through. Self-love and self-esteem can also see it through . . . but that's another post . . . strengths we learn as children, finding our way in the world, trusting our parents or another authority figure we look up to as role models.

Many people find it difficult to pull together that strength and courage because of old wounds that are still healing, with trust being something that is earned and not felt merely because of love.

The fearless euphoria of romantic love can be awesome and beautiful . . . we just need the courage to accept the love in return when we find it.

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Awesome connections

The accuracy of my horoscopes have been amazing me . . .

December 17, 2009
Inner Filling
Leo Daily Horoscope

You may have the need to serve others today or want to spend time nurturing or comforting those in need. You might feel frustrated by the suffering you see in the world and want to do something to help, or you could be seeking a deeper sense of fulfillment. While serving others might help you feel more empowered and purposeful, you might also think about turning your attention inward and fostering a sense of fulfillment that comes from who you are and not necessarily what you do. You may want to affirm that you are whole and worthy regardless of what you do today. Service to others is a beautiful act. However, in order to give to others, you must be able to give to yourself.

The more we give ourselves, the more we have to give to the people in our lives. The world reflects our relationship with ourselves. When we have a fulfilling relationship with ourselves, we can serve others more from a place of wholeness and purpose. Instead of feeling that our fulfillment rests on the actions we take each day, we can turn within and concentrate on filling our inner well with peace, fulfillment, and joy. When we feel connected to ourselves and happy, we are better able to serve others with genuine joy and compassion. This allows us to give from the heart, and our sense of fulfillment grows. By developing your own sense of fullness and fulfillment today, you can feel whole and more purposeful while having more to offer others.

Fullness and fulfillment has taken over my life in the form of awesome connections I've made at my new job at a mental health center. For the first time in a very long time, I'm experiencing the joy of Christmas through others.

As I read today's horoscope, I found it very interesting that I was pondering those very things as I relaxed with a cup of hot raspberry tea after an exhausting day of work at the office. The fulfillment has come to me in several forms. It was always my belief that community service and giving of yourself, even when it is seemingly insignificant, could be a humbling and enriching experience.

The clients are very grateful for the kindness of strangers that have become their comfort zone, the special holiday festivities that have begun and the anticipation and appreciation of the little gifts they receive. While some are extremely down and depressed with the coming of the season, many are wearing a festive smile that have replaced a hopeless look. Awesome feeling to see the smiles on those faces!

Anyone who has followed my blogs for any length of time know how I feel about "the holidays" . . . I have dreaded them year after year since my husband passed away. The sullen, depressed faces remind me of looking in the mirror, wanting so much to see a happy face reflecting back at me and longing for a trace of a joyous holiday season.

What I realized today . . . this is the year which is my turning point . . . I have so much to be grateful for . . . I'm finally on the road to a fulfilling and happy life with a purpose and love with the wonderful man I've continued a long distance relationship with.

God has had a purpose for me and has presented it to me in the form of a job that I love so much, working with people who appreciate me, trust me and have given me more than I can ever thank them for . . . the clients and my co-workers. The gift of smiles and wishes for a happy holiday have touched me in so many ways, and are filling those empty spots in my heart.

Reluctantly, I agreed to participate in the "Secret Santa" festivities among my co-workers. The dread filled me this afternoon as I anticipated the break to have a moment exchanging gifts with those co-workers that are fast becoming good friends. Christmas has not been a fun or joyous time for me for the past seven years . . . it has represented the struggle of depression, restlessness and frustration within myself. The dread had nothing to do with my co-workers, it was me.

It is ironic that I am employed in a mental health center . . . psychiatrists, psychotherapists and counselors surround me . . . they have no idea of my "emotional state."

The gift of an awesomely festive moving Santa that rings bells and sings a song of Christmas joy brought out the little girl in me and put a huge smile on my face. I felt a lump in my throat as that little guy put the Christmas spirit in my heart, along with the hug from the woman who picked my name and told me how blessed she felt to have me in the circle of co-workers who truly care for each other like family.

Most of my co-workers have been at their jobs for more than ten years . . . I am the one who is blessed and could never express my happiness at landing a job at this wonderful place where people truly care about others and do it on a daily basis, giving themselves to those unfortunate people who find themselves in a bad place in life and often makes the difference between life and death.

As I make my new awesome connections, my inner self is healing from many years of restless anxiety with life itself, the struggle for survival and fighting my way back to loving the person I am.

The meaning of Christmas is so very different to me this year . . .

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