Waves of Depression

Since Hurricane Irma dropped a tree on our house back in September, the waves of depression I have been riding seem to have gotten the best of me.  I haven't been home since September the fact that it is still uninhabitable is breaking my heart . . . I want to go home!
We are still jumping through all the hoops in order to obtain the SBA Disaster Loan we have been approved for.  The problem is qualifying for insurance in the midst of rebuilding.  Hopefully, we are in the last stages and we can finally qualify so we can get the money to finish.
Everything happens for a reason, I know it, but sometimes it is way too much to handle emotionally.  So . . . that is where I have been and can't really write about it.  I hope to return to blogging soon . . . it is my hope to help others, not bring everyone down!
Prayers are appreciated!

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Bitterness and Anger

"When we acknowledge that it is okay to feel bitter, we reconnect with our hurt in a constructive way and can begin the process of working through it."

An excerpt from an article on The Daily Om entitled "Bitterness" . . . the article follows this post.  Visit their website for awesome life insight!

The article on bitterness really hit home for me.  The Captain and I are still living at my mom's house since Hurricane Irma dropped a tree on our now uninhabitable home.

Our patience with government assistance, bureaucracy and endless red tape has worn extremely thin.  Although we were finally approved for SBA disaster assistance, they made a mistake and just when we thought the money would be in the bank within days, the phone call came informing us of a mistake they made which would prolong the process another two months.   

So we continue to wait . . . at least we were able to get the tree off the house with FEMA assistance.  However, cracked rafters make it unsafe to be under that roof that could collapse at any time.  I have not been back home since the hurricane.

Before I go further into this post, I want to mention how grateful I am for my mom, who is putting up with our little quirks and a major disruption in her life.

I'm so grateful for the assistance we have received from FEMA and the SBA.  What would we have done without them?  

Aside from being so thankful and grateful for our many blessings, I have crept into the clutches of bitterness and anger.  I just want to go home!  Every time we think it is almost over, we run into another obstacle.  It has been unbelievable!

The disasters of last summer with the unusual hurricane devastation way beyond normal left the government with more than they could handle.  There are many other families still forced out of their homes after almost six months of experiencing the reality of becoming homeless.  Puerto Rico is still enduring the devastating situation as if it happened yesterday with no end in sight.  No matter how temporary the situation is, maintaining long term patience and a good attitude is almost impossible.  Bitterness is inevitable for even the most normal person.

There are times that bitterness and anger are necessary to keep going.  Human nature is to wonder "why me" and it is emotionally healthy to let yourself experience the horrible feelings in order to deal with it.  It doesn't help to sweep anything unpleasant under the rug like it doesn't exist.

The Captain and I are just taking one day at a time with as much optimism we can collect to carry to another day.  We know that this too shall pass . . .

Bitterness

BY MADISYN TAYLOR Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims, in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing. It is natural to feel resentment or anger when life does not unfold as expected. We consciously or unconsciously anticipated one experience, and we grieve for the loss of it when the universe puts something else in our path. Most of the time, we work through these feelings and they pass. Occasionally, our anger and resentment do not fade and are instead transformed into bitterness. Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing and choose instead to identify with our pain. Yet as unwholesome as bitterness can be, it is also a natural element of our emotional palette. When we acknowledge that it is okay to feel bitter, we reconnect with our hurt in a constructive way and can begin the process of working through it. The nature of bitterness is rooted in the fact that the pain we feel provides us with a rationale. We may feel that we deserve to embrace our bitterness to its full extent. And to be bitter is, in essence, to cut ourselves off from all that is positive, hardening our hearts and vowing never to let go of our hurt. But just as bitter feelings can be self-defeating, so too can the release of bitterness be life-affirming in a way that few other emotional experiences are. When we decide that we no longer want to be bitter, we are reborn into a world filled with delight and fulfillment unlike any we knew while in the clutches of bitterness. The veil it cast over our lives is lifted, letting light and warmth touch our souls. Divesting yourself of bitter feelings can be as simple as truly forgiving and moving on. Even when your bitterness has no concrete object, you can forgive situations too. Healing pain can be challenging but may be easier if you remind yourself that you are the only entity truly affected by your emotional state. In time, you will discover that letting go of your bitterness frees you to initiate the healing process and allows you to once again celebrate the possibility of the more wonderful life you deserve. Source:  The Daily Om . . . one of my favorite websites!

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Endings Become Beginnings

"Endings became beginnings without my expressed permission. ‘Take that’, it said."

Excerpt from "A Widows Dream" which is included in this post 

Surviving the loss of a spouse is an emotional journey.  The quote I opened this post with tells it all.  Endings become beginnings.

The Christmas holidays always take me on nostalgic trips to my past, some good, some bad.

For those who have lost a spouse, I highly recommend following The Modern Widows Club.  Through the years, it has been a source of comfort.  There is something about reading about the experiences and thoughts of other widows.

Other widows have experienced many of the highs and lows one goes through when a spouse passes on.  The person you made a lifetime commitment to is gone, never to return.  When I think about what I have experienced, it still takes my breath away.

To say when JR first died that I was scared is an understatement.  For me, it was total shock . . . it was a fear that came in waves of disbelief, like it was a nightmare I just needed to wake up from.  

He was seemingly healthy, came home from work one night, ended up in the emergency room with chest pains and died the next morning.  I didn't get to say goodbye.  

He had barely entered his 40's . . . 

It was like a tornado came through and swept me away to parts unknown.

The first days were almost unbearable and I had a very difficult time getting my grip on life back.  Sometimes I think I never got it back completely even though I have moved on with a very happy life with The Captain.

Endings do become beginnings and life CAN be happy again, but not without a lot of pain along the way.  It is a journey of courage to begin life again, whether you were ready for it or not.  Trigger days still haunt me, creeping up on me when I think I have my emotions under control and least expect it.

I started this blog to share my experience with other widows and those grieving loved ones.  

Grief is like a thief in the night.  

Only those who have truly gone through it understand what I'm saying.

The following post hit so close like nothing I've ever read before.  I know other widows will find themselves in the words that follow . . .

A Widow’s Dream

- Despite what you might think, I haven’t lost all my dreams.

- Although the biggest dream I had was to grow old, crazy in love, to laugh away the hours seated beside each other in two cozy rocking chairs.

- When you lose your dreams, it’s gut wrenching. It’s a ship without a harbor. Hear me out.

- When someone dies who is tethered to your dreams, it’s god-forsakenly unfathomable.

- It takes your very breath away, the wind out of your sails and the simplest joy out of life.

- It stuns and shocks. It stumbles and falls. It’s silent and it screams.

- Endings became beginnings without my expressed permission. ‘Take that’, it said.

- It beckons me to question everything and nothing. It makes no sense.

- It’s the hardest medicine to swallow for what ails my tender broken heart.

- Dreams are made for the future, and our future just completed its circle of life. 

- New dreams and circles begin as a white sheet, a never ending road, a blank chalk board, a flowing river, a narrow trail or an empty computer screen. 

- It’s a reset I resent. It’s a grudge I must face. It’s a new I dislike. Oh, it’s so very true.

- But it’s also a doorway, a threshold, a chapter, a page, a new me opportunity. A curiosity.

- That new me dream lurks in front of me without a hint of forecast, certainty, direction or knowing. 

- I’m scared. Oh my gosh, I actually said that. I thought I knew where I was headed but now….

- Everything I once knew for sure is no longer. Dreams feel far, far away at the edge of existence and yet, I know they are somehow entangled in this first courageous push away from the shore of my unfulfilled dreams. 

- I must take into the future a dream of my own, a blank space to be filled with…..something, somewhere, someone, somehow, someway.

- I will use all my determination, commitment, resilience, creativity, consciousness, knowledge, heart, kindness and humble energy to take me there. I’ll also use my anger, bitterness, grief, uncertainty, negativity and I’ll turn it ALL into fuel that propels my journey.

- It’s all fuel. It’s all me. It’s all good. It’s here to teach me that dreams are for the seaworthy. 

- I will not allow grief and a lost dream to keep me tied onto the shore of my beautiful past.

- That is a promise I intend to keep. A link I plan to create. An empowering link- not to an anchor of my lost dream, but as a resilient vessel moored to the possibility of ‘new me’ dreams on the horizon.


Please be extra patient with me as I set outward bound on this journey sunrise to sunset. I’m getting there. Especially during these holidays, which are unchartered territory for me.

Carolyn Moor
MWC Founder
http://modernwidowsclub.org

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What Not To Say

Those close to us mean well, but when depression hits, there are certain things not to say to a depressed person . . . it is not helpful!

I found an article on the subject of what not to say . . . click here for the entire article.  The following quotation is an excerpt from the article on one of the most irritating things I don't want to hear when I'm really feeling down . . .

Number 3 on the list (and closely follows "just get over it") . . .

Leave Your House and You'll Feel Better

"Being depressed at home is bad. But being depressed in public is worse. It's like taking a job where you're supposed to know how to speak fluent Mandarin, and then starting that job even though you actually don't know a word. Sometimes it's better to let the sadness pass surrounded by the comforts of familiar surroundings."

Imagine the feeling of getting ready to jump off a plane without a parachute!

Apparently, some people (whom I am convinced are not going through depression and possibly never have) feel better when they escape the confines of their home and get out in the midst of other people.   I think they just enjoy being "out" and become bored if they stay home for too long.  I've heard it referred to as going "stir crazy," but they are NOT experiencing depression.

Bless their hearts, they are just trying to help and being around a loved one going through depression will leave one feeling helpless and hopeless.  Instead of making the depressed person feel better, they end up becoming angry since the afflicted one won't comply with their wishes (especially the one about getting out) and end up leaving them feeling like a freak of nature.  

It is a bad situation all the way around, the well meaning person ends up angry, helpless and hopeless . . . that is an important fact to remember when trying to "help."

In my case, it is not that I enjoy wallowing in self-pity . . . I don't like to inflict my bad feelings on other people.  It makes me so uncomfortable to try to cover up the awful feelings and act normal.  In the past, I have found when I do get out when severely depressed, those around me can't help but say one of the ten things not to say.

Most of all I don't want others observing me and judging what they are not fully understanding.  All I want is to be left alone and not feel weird about how I'm feeling on top of what I'm already going through.  

Especially around the holidays, when I have allowed others to talk me into going to a holiday function, I am beat up by repeatedly hearing "come on . . . tis the season to be jolly!!"  And here we go . . . I'm criticized, put in the "depressed" box by others, feel like a freak of nature and further withdraw into the "get me the hell out of here mode".  Just get over it . . . sure . . . I wish it was that easy to just wish it away!  I want to retreat to the comfort of my home and never hear this stuff again in my life.

Just because the calendar has reached a certain point in time does not mean that I am going to not be depressed.  In most cases, the holidays have triggered the depression for one reason or another.  The world is filled with those people who have a rough time around the holidays and just need their solitude to deal with it.  

Grief triggers the depression for me around the holidays.  The holidays were once a time of great joy with friends and family who are now gone and missed when memories of Christmas past arise.  I guess it is a natural thing that happens when we lose those we love and cherish.  It is an empty feeling that may lessen, but never goes away.  Trigger days are not fun!

Feeling more freakish on top of already feeling freaky is the last thing a depressed person needs, it will only compound bad feelings.  If you have a loved one who experiences depression, please educate yourself about depression . . . AND PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT NOT TO SAY!  

DON'T DO IT!  You could be contributing to keeping them in that state of freakiness longer!

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Realize It For Yourself

Love the graphic that I borrowed from my friend Dawn's Facebook page!

Realizing it is half the battle, isn't it?

As I enjoyed the cooler breezes that are blowing through Central Florida, a good night's sleep is what I was so thankful for this morning.  It has been a long time and has made a huge difference in the way I'm feeling.

A good night's sleep is rightfully not overrated!

Realizing that we are worthy ties into positive thought patterns that guide us toward our path, good or bad.  

Feeling worthy and important can't help but steer our path into positive directions.

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Who You Are Meant To Be

As I browsed through my email today, I ran across a newsletter containing the following statement that stopped me in my tracks.

"Make a sincere commitment to heal and grow and be who you were meant to be."

It really is that simple, not that it is a simple thing to achieve, just simple in theory.  

There have been times in my life, whether it is sticking to a diet, trying to quit smoking, etc., it all works with committed discipline.  It makes all the difference in the world.  

Attitude and Determination

The statement took my thoughts to "be who you were meant to be."  

Attitude itself isn't enough without a defined path to move towards.  Knowing what you really want is what would make it a simpler goal to achieve.

Resolve To Evolve

The evolution of changing the thought process that exists when everything seems to be out of touch.  It is time to adjust your thought process.  

You know that you know you are there when you are there . . . up Shit Creek without a paddle . . . or so it seems.  

Make the commitment . . . .

This too shall pass.

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Holidays and Difficult Times

The holidays alone can bring on difficult times for so many in this world for many reasons.  I found an excellent article entitled "Difficult Times" that describes it perfectly.  It is posted further on this post, along with a link to the awesome website it comes from.

Holiday difficult times have struck me for more than just one year.  I wrote about one period of time following the death of my first husband JR.  He passed on in October, when it seems like the holiday can't wait to descend upon us.  The first year was almost unbearable . . . I just wanted to die myself.  Click here for that post, Sentimental Lady.

This year finds me with new life circumstances . . . a tree that is still crushing my house thanks to Hurricane Irma. 

Although I have tried to maintain a positive attitude as time creeps by with FEMA taking their sweet time looking over our appeal since they denied us financial help back in October, it becomes more difficult by the day.  

Not being able to go back home since September and not knowing if FEMA is going to accept our appeal for assistance is taking its emotional toll on me no matter how strong I try to be. 

My crushing house and the resulting life circumstances, along with memories of my old life and the grief associated with loved ones who are gone and missed have ushered in another dreaded holiday.  

Of course I am truly grateful for everything I have been blessed with, but there are those difficult holiday times where I am just downright depressed and have a difficult time pulling myself out of it.

This too shall pass . . . thank you for your prayers!

  

I am sharing this quote from a Facebook friend's wall . . .

"This is a difficult time of year for many who struggle with depression. The toughest time of the year for depression tends to be around the Holidays. Please be aware of those around you. Say an extra prayer, touch an extra hand, smile an extra smile. You are the difference! Please take the time to put this on your wall to help raise awareness of, and for those who have mental health difficulties." 

The following is an awesome post I found that fits perfectly with my post . . .

Difficult Times

BY MADISYN TAYLOR We can also benefit from times of constriction and difficult to help us grow and learn. It can be very challenging to maintain a positive attitude and a measure of faith when you are in the midst of difficult times. This is partly because we tend to think that if the universe loves us we will experience that love in the form of positive circumstances. However, we are like children, and the universe is our wise mother who knows what our souls need to thrive better than we do. Just as a young child does not benefit from getting everything she wants, we also benefit from times of constriction and difficulty to help us grow and learn. If we keep this in mind, and continue to trust that we are loved even when things are hard, it helps us bear the difficult time with grace. This period of time in history is full of difficulty for a lot of human beings, and you may feel less alone knowing you are not being singled out. There are extreme energy changes pulsing through the universe at every level and, of course, we are all part of the growing process and the growing pains. It helps if we remember that life is one phase after another and that this difficult time will inevitably give way to something new and different. When we feel overwhelmed we can comfort ourselves with the wise saying: This too shall pass. At the same time, if you truly feel that nothing is going right for you, it's never a bad idea to examine your life and see if there are some changes you can make to alleviate some of the difficulty. Gently and compassionately exploring the areas giving you the most trouble may reveal things you are holding onto and need to release: unprocessed emotions, unresolved transitions, or negative ways of looking at yourself or reality. As you take responsibility for the things you can change, you can more easily surrender to the things you can't, remembering all the while that this phase will, without doubt, give way to another.

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Happy Without

Even Socrates, who lived a very frugal and simple life, loved to go to the market. When his students asked about this, he replied, "I love to go and see all the things I am happy without."

JACK KORNFIELD

After a couple of decades of practicing the "simple abundance" lifestyle, I can honestly say that I am truly happy living with just those things that are necessary.  I don't know where the internet falls into the mix, but that may be the one exception.  For me, having a computer hooked up to the internet is a necessity.

There are down sides to this philosophy of life, although I see it as a positive way to live.

I no longer visit the mall.  There have been times in my life when the mall was emotional therapy.  Spending lots of money buying things I didn't need somehow filled a void that made me somewhat depressed.  Buying department store jewelry gave me the most pleasure.  There is something about little sparkly things that delights the senses.

Now I get that delight from buying used jewelry to resell in my online store.  It does give me joy to rummage through boxes of jewelry looking for those pieces that can find another life as a refashioned piece of jewelry.  That was my way of solving that problem of overspending on way too much costume jewelry!

The practice of buying stuff we can't afford and don't need is so apparent to me in other people.  For instance, one of my relatives delights in a buying frenzy, only to come home and lament the fact that "x" number of dollars were spent on that spending spree.  What happens?  After a day or so, she gathers up the stuff she really didn't want and returns the items.  Seems like a huge hassle to me!

Funny that these thoughts have occurred to me on this day . . . Black Friday.  As I was watching the news this morning, today it is all about sales and shopping . . . whipping everyone up into the frenzy of fighting your neighbors to take advantage of a sale for something you don't need.

One of the down sides of this philosophy . . . I don't really look forward to the holidays anymore, except for the real meaning of the season, which has nothing to do with shopping and spending money.

I partly blame being in the business of retail for so long.  The holidays were the time we would come home from the flea market with bundles of cash from awesome holiday sales.  We were so busy spending all of our time either preparing for the market or being at the market that selling became the big meaning of Christmas for way too many years.  It was all about making money.  At the same time, I had already adopted the lifestyle of simple abundance.

This is a rare year that my online store is closed since there is still a tree on our house compliments of Hurricane Irma.  Although I tried to get some inventory together and adjust the items in my Etsy store, having most of my stuff at home just made it too difficult since we are still living with my mom.

Hopefully this Christmas season can be all about the real reason for the season for The Captain and I.

Could you be "happy without"?

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Approach to gratefulness

Our approach to gratefulness has to be big enough to embrace all the difficulties of the world.

Br. David Steindl-Rast Natural disasters bring all types of damage.  It seems like the severity of damage is a roll of the dice.  Degrees of sacrifice range from modest to extreme. In the scope of Hurricane Irma hitting the Florida Keys with Category 5 force that left extreme devastation as far as the eye can see, I am so grateful for what seems like such minor damage we received from Category 1 force winds, even though after almost two months, we still can't live in our house. That is the approach to gratefulness we have chosen in the situation we find ourselves in. While I am angry that a huge tree limb covers the back side of our roof, making it impossible to assess the complete damage after all this time, I am grateful that there is a chance FEMA will help us rebuild, even though they turned us down the first time, prolonging the process, the agony and worsening the damage to our home.  Our appeal is being processed and it could take up to 90 days before we know if we are receiving financial help or not. We have no other choice than to exercise faith and patience.  The alternative is total insanity, which I teeter off the edge of.  It feels like time has stood still for us. Nevertheless, our approach has been one of total gratefulness, which has made everything much more tolerable despite emotional living conditions thrown at us that are best explained as manic.  Enough said about that . . . it has been one of the most difficult times of my life! With The Captain by my side, I have made it with my sanity intact thus far and for that I am so grateful!

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Reflection of Life

"Reflection is one of the most underused yet powerful tools for success."

Richard Carlson

Since Hurricane Irma decided to pick on our house and drop a tree on it, being suddenly homeless without a home to go to has forced me to look back and reflect on my life.

Of course there are the obvious "why me" questions I usually ask God when things are not going right.  Almost immediately, my thoughts turned to the reason why.  I've always believed in fate and destiny, with everything happening for a reason.

Although The Captain goes home several times a week to meet with potential contractors, I have not returned to see the damage.  For now, it is better to not be confronted with the coldness of my home being so damaged we can't live there.

Better is finding something positive in this drastic life experience.  The most logical is to learn the lesson of patience, which I have none, but learning to deal with everything in a relatively calm manner.  Through the years, I have been trying to learn how to deal with those things in life that can't be controlled.  God just gave me a huge push to understand the importance of patience.

It could be that the "reason why" won't be revealed until it is supposed to come to light.  Perhaps my future focus on life will be entirely different than it is today due to this experience . . . the new purpose I had been praying for.

Be careful what you pray for!

What have I learned in this month away from home?  I didn't realize how much I love that house, even with the disorganization and chaos.  It has been there for me since JR and I moved in on Christmas Eve of 1984.  What a delightful Christmas present it was!  Such a happy house . . . I had forgotten those magical days of promising new beginnings and starting a new adventure.  It was my place to hide and find peace when JR died, holding so many happy memories of my past life, love, precious pets who touched my life so profoundly that have crossed Rainbow Bridge and the huge back yard garden that was once my sanctuary which has turned into an unruly forest.

The magic was gone and it turned into a roof over my head . . . ultimately, the leaky roof over my head.  Like so many other things in life, I took my sweet little house for granted.

The damage has not been fully assessed since there are areas that can't be reached until the tree is off the house.

I have no idea if any of this makes sense, even to me . . . but at least I am ready to confront the "reason why" this happened to us and none of our neighbors.  God has the plan and the reason why.

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The Grief Experience

 "It is our journey, and it will travel with us like a shadow that has taken us by the hand and is not following, but leading us everywhere we go. It is our new staycation that we alone can experience."

An excerpt from "Why Dealing with Grief  is Different For Everyone" by Yvonne Broady, from the blog Sixty and Me.

As I approach another trigger day, what would have been the 37th wedding anniversary for JR and I, my thoughts go back to our wedding day and the promise of happily ever after.

The phases of grief as the years go by drastically change from one trigger day to another.  There are days of feeling extreme loneliness the loss of my best friends left me with.  I have often written about being lonely in a room full of people.  That feeling takes on different meaning from one day to another.  

As described in the article "feeling frozen in place," the shock of losing a very close person never goes away.  The freezing numbness changes from time to time, but it never goes away. For me, the loss has intensified as the years go by.

I feel very fortunate and grateful that The Captain allows me to talk about JR and we discuss places in time that are special to me.  Those discussions take me back in time as I replay them when the places in time collide with my present life.  It really does feel like an unbearable bad dream at times.

Another excerpt from the article in particular hits me like a ton of bricks . . . "To grieve the loss of a spouse or anyone we love so dear is to face the fact that we will never see them again on earth. There are no more last words, no more direct contact, no more activities to be shared ever. When that reality sinks in, the emotional distress that ensues can be more than one can handle." 

Since JR passed away, I have experienced the loss of close friends and family which compounds the grief emotions that haunt me at times.  Relief is found with life itself as present day happiness finds me.

One thing remains . . . for me the saying "this too shall pass" contributes to surviving grief moments.

Yvonne Broady lost her husband to pancreatic cancer in 2009. She faced the task of rebuilding her life as she dealt with the pain and grief of loss. Brave in a New World was written as a guide for those who are navigating a grief journey. The book explains the variety and complexity of feelings one has when they are mourning. She shares her journey through the grieving process and how she gradually rebuilt her life. Please visit Yvonne’s blog and follow her on Twitter.

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