The Dark Path

 

Always keep the faith, no matter what . . .

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A Widow’s Cry

 

Sometimes I feel so many emotions that stem from depression . . . and I wonder why. I am so grateful for all the things that the good Lord has blessed me with and every day should be filled with peace and happiness. I have finally realized that all the emotions evolve from an empty space in my heart that never goes away.

The following article perfectly explains it and even after 20 years, I live it every day even though I have moved on. It sucks to be a widow after being in a long and happy marriage. October will always be a bad trigger month for me and this October reached 20 awful years that I lost my loving, sweet and compassionate first husband.

A Widow’s Cry

- Despite what you might think, the tears that come to me are necessary.

- My tears are because I loved someone with all my heart and I can’t be with them, touch them, kiss them or hug them again. Not even once. Do you know how that feels?

- I cry because I loved. I cry because I lost. I cry because I can still feel….everything.

- I cry because this is so unfair and there’s nothing...nothing I can do to change it.

- These tears come in the shower, on my long run, in the car at the stoplight and parking lots, in public bathrooms, under my covers in bed, while cooking dinner and taking out the trash, when nothing goes right, in darkness and in daylight.

- They come for a reason and a season.

- Sometimes I cry because of the past memories, sometimes because I’m moving forward courageously, sometimes because I’m confused and lost, sometimes because I’m exhausted and over it and sometimes when I’m profoundly, positively happy.

- They are healing, inconvenient, embarrassing, breathtaking, uncontrollable, unyielding and as mysteriously beautiful and sacred as love is to me.

- In fact, without love, these tears would have no meaning whatsoever.

- These brave tears wouldn’t percolate at all if I had not found the courage to give my whole-hearted self to another. To fully commit myself heart-to-heart infinitely.

- So, if you see me tear up or break down, find me a tissue, give me a hug, hold my hand, find a private place we can go and sit together until it passes. Hold that space with me. Your kindness genuinely helps this feel less awkward.

- Thank you ahead of time. Having a golden friend like you in a moment like this is the silver lining of every tear I shed.

- Some of my tears will come alone and in silence, but all of my tears come calling out for compassion, friendship and connection.

Let’s be willing and grateful for this authentic way to emotionally connect with each other and better understand the deeper meaning in all our tears. Let it rain until it releases our pain as we regain the hope and strength to face another moment in this storm after loss.

*Dedicated to every #widow who has cried from the core of her precious broken open heart.

Written by:

Carolyn Moor

MWC Founder + Advocate

https://modernwidowsclub.org

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Disappointment and Expectations

 

disappointment

sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations

or

a person, event, or thing that causes disappointment

"Disappointment is part of daily life. The only way to avoid it is to have no expectations, desires, or values.

The most common disappointment is about expectations. Whenever expectations go unmet, we experience disappointment. The higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment. Many people attempt to manage disappointment by lowering expectations. While expectations should be realistic, lowering them too far sacrifices enthusiasm and capacity for enjoyment.

Disappointment is so unpleasant that when it happens, we’re often unaware of anything other than sadness, irritability, resentment, anger, or aggressive impulse."

Read the rest of the article at Psychology Today, click here.

At this time and place in history, I have come to the conclusion that the whole world is experiencing long term disappointment.  

Politics and the media has us sitting in our opposing corners with family at odds with each other over opinions in general while experiencing long term isolation due to a pandemic that has the general public at each others throats for one reason or another.

This disappointment has turned into resentment, aggressiveness and irritability.  At least that is how I see it.

Personally, I long for the days of Dean Martin and "That's Amore."

On an individual basis, are we experiencing personal disappointment in each other because our expectations are too high?

Or . . .

Have we turned too cold to each other's feelings?  

On the other hand, have we become too sensitive?  

Do people in general even care about others anymore?

Social media has become brutal.  Participation in social media used to be one of my favorite things to do and was something I looked forward to each day.  It seems like overnight it all changed.

I'm sad for the human race and how we have turned on each other instead of being grateful for the love, compassion and kindness of friends and family in our lives.

Or maybe it is just me in the depressed mode I've been in.

I'll end by quoting the Dean Martin song . . . "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore."  I would love to go back to those days.  

We are lost.

As for me, I'm still searching for Peace, Love and Happiness.

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Emotional Boundaries

 

Inspiration and intuition guides us in the direction we should move toward.

Our true feelings are reality and work hand in hand with intuition.  The tricky thing is setting emotional boundaries along with embracing those true feelings and intuition.

Being true to ourselves is essential and this realization is most important.  

No one is responsible for setting those emotional boundaries except yourself.

Intuition and gut feelings reflect our true reflection of reality.  It is what it is.  Having the strength to face reality is a double edged sword worn like a badge of honor.

Visualize a barrier of positive energy surrounding you and know that negativity will not cross this boundary unless you allow it to.

Inner strength is a gift we can give ourselves to maintain those emotional boundaries.

Detach yourself from negativity!

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Peace and Valuing Moments

 

If we are to have true peace in the world, we must first find it within ourselves.

"Most people agree that a more peaceful world would be an ideal situation for all living creatures. However, we often seem stumped as to how to bring this ideal situation into being. If we are to have true peace in this world, each one of us must find it in ourselves first. If we don't like ourselves, for example, we probably won't like those around us. If we are in a constant state of inner conflict, then we will probably manifest conflict in the world. If we have fighting within our families, there can be no peace in the world. We must shine the light of inquiry on our internal struggles, because this is the only place we can really create change."

You can read the rest of the article here.

The process of dealing with inner conflict through so many levels of change, both good and not so good, has been quite a personal journey.

The article addresses shining the light on those internal struggles.  I would add those situations that bring the struggles.  

Do any of us have the magic power of being able to control those situations?  Maybe some, but it is delusional to think that we can change all of them.  

For me, realizing that struggling with those things we can't change will only make a person very depressed and angry . . . hopelessness is the killer that makes it almost impossible to get back up after falling.

Although there are many things that concern me, I have started to finally let go of those things I can't change.  Changing the thought process has resulted in very different reactions than before as I strive to get better every day.  As a result, I am finding peace in valuing moments and being more grateful for my blessings.  As a Christian, I believe everything is in God's hands.  Things happen for a reason.

Why drive yourself crazy over things that may happen in the future?  Not one of us is given a magic wand or promised tomorrow.  So why not value the present moment?

Happy New Year!

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Capture moments

Although it gets easier from one year to the next, Christmas holidays after experiencing a terrible loss in your life is not easy.

For me, the memories that once caused me a great deal of grief have turned into wonderful memories of a part of my life that I am so grateful for.  I do admit it will never be the same, but not as bad as the year before.

The older we become, the more grief we experience with those close to us passing away one by one.  It adds to complicated emotions, especially around the holidays.

The holidays are "the dreaded season" for me with so many emotions that tug on my heart for so many reasons.

I know I am not alone though.  There are others whose experiences have kept them from moving on with their lives.  At least I have moved on . . .

One of my Facebook friends posted the following thoughts that really hit home.  I shared it on Facebook and it prompted me to write a blog post about it.

Feel free to share it on one of your social media pages . . . it could let someone else going through a rough holiday season know they are not alone.  They may also realize that capturing those moments will be a treasure one day.

A blessed and wonderful holiday season to all . . .

"Sadly, I know too many people to whom this applies. My family included. Many will attempt to decorate . . . to cook . . . buy (or make) and wrap gifts . . . to be festive. 

But the holidays bring sadness, loneliness and heartache. Many will cry for hours with memories of what this time used to be and how it was filled with such love and anticipation - and now it brings back memories of the reality of emptiness and sadness.

So I would like to remind you that there are people for whatever reason are not looking forward to Christmas. Some people are not surrounded by large wonderful families.

Some of us have problems during the holidays and are overcome with great sadness when we remember the loved ones who are not with us any longer.

For many it is their first Christmas without a particular loved one and many others lost loved ones at Christmas. And, many people have no one to spend these times with and are besieged by loneliness. We all need caring, loving thoughts right now." 

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Anger

"Anger is that powerful internal force that blows out the light of reason."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

How does anger typically surface in your life?

We usually get angry at someone, don't we? We judge that someone has done something wrong and we want them to be punished.

In truth, the actions of others are never to blame. It's our thinking - our blaming and judgment - that causes the anger. And we blame and judge because we have a need that has not been met.

In his book 'Nonviolent Communication,' Marshall B. Rosenberg advises that rather than blame others, we are better served by directing our energy towards meeting our own needs.

He offers a simple tool for change. Instead of saying, 'I am angry because they ...' we can say, 'I am angry because I am needing ....'

"At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled."
-- Marshall B. Rosenberg

"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it."
-- Marcus Aurelius

Source:  http://www.higherawareness.com

Dealing with anger rather than sweeping it under the rug and hoping it will go away is an important stepping stone in moving on with your life positively.  At first it does not feel like a positive move, but it is if you can finally get rid of that anger.

Accept the anger for what it is and move toward getting rid of those awful feelings.

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Day to Day Grief

It never goes away, it just changes and evolves when you least expect it.

After experiencing the death of my first husband, family members and friends, Hurricane Irma and the tree that landed on our house and changed it forever, it has occurred to me that loss is loss.  The loss of my house as I knew it has surprisingly compounded my grief and manifests itself in different ways.

The best way I cope with it is to roll with the changing feelings and take it one day at a time, realizing that it will come back to bite me at any time.  I try to be ready for it, but not always successful.  Depression hits me in various degrees, but like the grief, it never completely goes away.  It all haunts me.

Today I read an article from someone who experiences grief that pops up in different ways.  It is a comfort to know you are not alone and gives great insight to discover how others cope on a daily basis.  I can't wait to check out the website she suggested for further insight.  Click here for the article.

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Time in a Bottle

"Our emotions color our lives with varying palettes. Sometimes we feel a strong emotion in reaction to something that has happened, but emotions also visit us seemingly out of the blue, flooding us unexpectedly with joy or grief or melancholy. Like the weather, they come and go, influencing our mental state with their particular vibration. Sometimes a difficult emotion hangs around longer than we would like, and we begin to wonder when it will release its hold on us. This is often true of grief stemming from loss, for example, or lingering anger over a past event." 

Excerpt from How Long? by Madisyn Taylor of DailyOM.com

Grief has never released its hold on me and I don't think it ever will.  

The emotions started when my Nana died, who was more like a mother to me.  It has been decades and I am still haunted by the grief like it was yesterday.  JR's death devastated me.  I've since lost several best friends and close family members.  Each death deepens the emotional hold of grief on me.

It feels like my heart is holding time in a bottle.

The Christmas holidays somehow releases streams of emotion that I can't control.  On the other hand, the memories are so very treasured.  I fully allow myself to feel the emotion.

The emotional healing has yet to reach me.  

The featured article "How Long" discusses these feelings and emotional healing.  Check it out if you can relate.

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Today's failures, tomorrow's success

"Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find joy in overcoming obstacles."

(Helen Keller)

It is so easy for us to get caught up in obstacles that get in the way.  At least it is for me.  Forward motion turns into procrastination.  

One of the most difficult things for me is turning it back around, which sometimes turns into variations of depression.

The secret to overcoming obstacles . . . learn perseverance.  That is what I take from the awesome quote.

The thought process must be "just do it!"

Easier said than done . . .

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Allowing ourselves to be authentic

According to Wikipedia "authenticity is the degree to which an individual's actions are congruent with their beliefs and desires, despite external pressures."

There are times being true to ourselves can be like a juggling act in the balance of life.  Life doesn't always hand us the situations that coincide with our desires.  Solutions sometimes mean external pressures that throw the balance out of wack.

Dealing with the imbalance requires leading with your heart.  It often means making someone else happy, but it could be that another's happiness is part of the dream.

Compromise can be a tool to remaining authentic to ourselves.  I believe that we reap what we sow.

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Let me fall

"Let me fall if I must. 

The one I will become will catch me."

Baal Shem Tov

I love that quote!
Falling down has been a recurring theme on my blog since I have been through it so many times since JR passed away.  In my case, the one I will become is the part of me that picks myself back up after I have fallen down.  It is a rare occasion that I can catch myself before falling down.
I've reached the place where I embrace falling down since there is always a lesson in the experience. 
The experience itself is part of becoming the one I will become because of the lesson.
If I don't allow myself to fall down when life becomes difficult, the opportunity to analyze the situation and reassess my direction would not happen.  Healing would probably never happen.
Let me fall, but learn to analyze and pick myself back up quickly.

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Change a situation or change ourselves?

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, 

we are challenged to change ourselves."

Viktor Frankl

Don't you sometimes wish you had a magic wand to change the situation you find yourself in?  If only . . . it would be a great selling item on eBay for sure!

We moved back home after being away due to Hurricane Irma dropping a tree on our house and drastically changing our lives.  I couldn't believe my eyes when I first walked in to find mud that has been drying for a year everywhere.  Part of the ceiling is missing in the kitchen.  No matter how much trash we pick up, the piles don't seem to get smaller.

The situation is not going to change.  We are going to change the situation by taking one step at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time.  No matter how long it takes, we must carry on and persist in making our house a home again.  First we had to accept what happened and come up with a plan.

Yes, it is so depressing!  But when I feel myself starting to fall down and want to give up, I pray for strength and perseverance . . . and if I really need it, I rest in stillness to get myself together again.  Then I can pick myself up and carry on.

Things happen in life, but we can't allow those things to destroy us.

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Loss of a Pet

A house is certainly not a home without a dog.  I know this from a very painful experience.

After my sweet Betsy passed away, it took me years to adopt another dog.  It was the biggest mistake I ever made, but I only realized it when we adopted Kiki after the Captain and I got married.   

He recognized my love for dogs and convinced me to just visit the Humane Society in our area and at least get the feel for another dog.  It was love at first sight when I spotted Kiki in her cage being all sassy and spunky.  We adopted her immediately and it was one of the best things I have done for myself ever.

Although I will never forget my sweet Betsy and hold her in my heart forever, I feel so blessed to have found this sweet little bundle of joy I now have in my life.  Losing Betsy makes me cherish every minute I have with Kiki even more than I would have before.

I found this awesome poem and it brought on all these thoughts about losing a pet and it touched me so much.  Maybe it will be a comfort to anyone else who has lost a precious pet and feels that big hole in their heart.

Loss of a Pet

IF IT SHOULD BE

If it should be that I grow weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle cannot be won.

You will be sad, I understand,
Don't let your grief then stay your hand,
For this day, more than all the rest,
Your love for me must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years,
What is to come can hold no fears,
You'd  not want me to suffer so,
The time has come - please let me go.

Take me where my need they'll tend,
And please stay with me till the end,
Hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time that you will see,
The kindness that you did for me.

Although my tail its last has waved,
from pain and suffering I've been saved,
Please do not grieve - it must be you,
Who had this painful thing to do.
We've been so close, we two, these years;
Don't let your heart hold back its tears.

-- Anonymous--

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Emotionally unsettled

My horoscope today from Daily Om . . . as usual, on target . . .


"You may feel emotionally unsettled today, which could cause you to struggle with feelings of frustration and instability. You may find it helpful to spend some time alone, working through your feelings and adopting a more balanced state of mind. Simply find a quiet place to be alone and get into a relaxed state. Release all worries and doubts, and focus on the calm serenity of your spiritual center. Once you feel calmer, you can begin to explore your emotions and determine what caused you to feel unbalanced today. You can then choose to embrace positive thoughts and keep the feelings of peace strong in your heart, which will result in more balance and stability with your emotions. 

We can lend a greater sense of balance and harmony to our lives by choosing to keep our thoughts positive and our emotions calm. Our emotions have the ability to affect our state of mind, which has an effect on every aspect of our lives. By choosing to consciously embrace more positive thoughts, we will feel empowered about working through any emotional upsets that may plague us. This helps us create a more balanced mind-set and an optimistic outlook, which will lend positive energy to our emotional state and create more harmony in every situation. We can then face any obstacles or upsets with a serene, stable focus and reduce the likelihood of becoming unbalanced again. By working through your emotions and embracing a harmonious state of mind today, you will automatically create more peace and stability in your life."

As I sat outside this morning, trying to find that quiet place and relaxed state of mind, it occurred to me that I have simply lost my patience.  

It has been almost a year since we were displaced from our home by Hurricane Irma and sometimes it is difficult to find even a glimmer of optimistic feelings.  One obstacle after another can wear the most positive person down.

I'm seriously homesick, just want to go home and put this awful phase of my life behind me.

The idea of patience being wisdom in waiting has totally escaped me and I need it back.  The advise of this morning's horoscope is awesome, but it really feels like a harmonious state of mind is an impossible dream at the moment.

My goal for today is to make an honest attempt to follow the advise and come up with the plan to do it.  I just had to put my feelings in writing today.

This too shall pass . . . I know it will.

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