The Journey Within

Soul is present behind every manifestation
 and every experience, awaiting our response.

Reflection

It is primarily through our resistances, difficulties, challenges, problems, illnesses, etc. that we eventually begin to discover what they are for and why they exist. 

Delving deeply enough into the energy behind them leads us to sufficiently overcome some ignorance, selfishness and inertia that we get glimpses of the beautiful soul energy causing them. 

Taking this journey to our essence and to our purpose eventually shifts our conscious identity to the soul that we are. 

Look behind the appearance of something in your life that you have not welcomed or understood and discover more deeply who you really are.

Source: The Soul Journey

Although the journey within is never over, I have reached that place in my life where the fork in the road took me on a new adventure when The Captain entered my life several years ago.  By all means, it has not been a smooth ride. Learning to share your life with another person all over again after being alone for so many years is not easy.

As The Captain and I approach the new journey into marriage, there have been many things going through my thoughts this past week.  Needless to say, I am most grateful for having this wonderful man in my life.

The most dominant thoughts have involved my journey since JR died . . . losing a spouse unexpectedly takes you through unknown territory that is mainly terrorizing.  I was forced to take that long and unhappy journey within whether I was ready to or not, but it was survival.  Are we ever ready for life's challenges and sorrows?

There were times I had to reach deep down inside to find a reason to live . . . my life as I knew it was gone and I was not happy about it . . . my life with JR was happy and content.  I was lost without him and had no direction.  

At times I went into severe panic attacks that would disable me mentally as well as physically.  Grief will do that too . . . but I had to worry about surviving alone while battling the severe depression that had taken a firm grip of me.

So began my journey within . . . it took me way too many years to get to know who I am and what I want from life.  The one thing that has effectively brought me through this journey is blogging and journal honestly about it.  It took one day at a time, sometimes moments at a time . . . asking myself a question at a time, just like a therapist would do.

There were times of pity parties and asking God "why me?" . . . but now I know why I needed that treacherous journey . . . it was necessary to find myself. Otherwise, I would have ended up taking bottles of pills to sleep forever and be done with what felt like a tortured life. Believe me, my thoughts of suicide took on a status of a beautiful fantasy . . . but I was strong enough to not do that to my mom. 

I could not find joy until I finally found myself.

The Captain entered my life at a time when I had already experienced picking myself up and doing what had to be done . . . actually starting to find joy in my life . . . only to fall down and start over again more times than I care to mention.  I was not worthy before that time.

Unless you have been through a treacherous journey, there is no way anyone can relate to the elation of seeing that light peaking through the end of the darkest tunnel you can imagine.  The one thing that kept me going is knowing that the light was there, somewhere, I just had to be patient to find it again.  I clung to my faith in God, often praying and begging to see that light again.  It was shown to me at the time I was ready to see it, not a minute before.  It is the way we learn our life lessons . . . the hard way.

Although I am not yet at my peak of strength, I know that I can get through just about anything.  What I found is a strength within me that for a while was hidden, but there throughout the journey.

One important thing that I learned is bad things happen which can lead to greater joy.  Many of the falls I took involved jobs that were not meant for me and ended up making me feel like a failure . . . even though it was not me who was the failure, but the system itself.  It was not meant to be, but I had to go there . . . it was a part of my journey.

One door closes, another opens . . . you just have to have the courage to walk through the open doors of the unknown.

Peace, love and much happiness to all . . .

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Indescribable joy and love

Joy is a return to the deep harmony of body, mind, and spirit that was yours at birth and that can be yours again. That openness to love, that capacity for wholeness with the world around you, is still within you. (Deepak Chopra)

The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself. (Henry Miller)

Now that I'm feeling better and finally up and around again after being hit with that awful flu, I can really enjoy every moment of planning our wedding.

We already have the marriage license in our hands. It was at that courthouse moment that it all came rushing to me . . . the deep harmony of body, mind and spirit of becoming one with another person. I'm feeling the wholeness of life again and the emotions are almost indescribable for me to express.

Joy and love are an infectious combination. As my body started healing from the flu, that silly feeling took its place. The crazy little smile on my face and giggles for no reason tells the story.

It is ironic that I found the quote about paying close attention to anything, like a blade of grass . . . I've found that magnificence and mystery in my Captain's sparkly eyes.

How awesome is that?

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Intentions without energy

"Activity is not achievement. 

It is not enough to rush about beginning a lot of things and keeping busy. 

A well-spent life is one that rounds out what it has begun."

-- Eknath Easwaran

"Genius begins great works; labor alone finishes them."

-- Joseph Joubert

"Good to begin well, better to end well."

-- English proverb

Energy is set in motion when we say we are going to do something.  Intention is meaningless when we fail to act.  Better to choose our words wisely . . . say what we mean and mean what we say.

My recurring theme has been overwhelm and procrastination for way too long.  Although my intentions are good, I don't always do what I say I'm going to do . . . for whatever reason.

This is in my thoughts again since I have been fighting a flu or maybe it is just plain nerves getting ready for our wedding.  Whatever it is has had me ill . . . 

During my down times I feel guilty about all those things I didn't do when I was feeling better.  It is a vicious cycle that I really need to control more effectively.  Although I have consciously done better than in the past, it still isn't good enough.  Maybe I should just be more patient with myself and acknowledge the process, quit beating myself up over it and keep trying to get it right.  

Sometimes it is better to go with the flow, prioritize what needs to be done and don't set unrealistic goals expectations . . . and don't verbalize it, just do it.  

Anything else is a setup for failure when it comes to a mind that tends to accentuate the negative and the struggle with depression.

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The proposal of marriage

“To love and be loved is to

 feel the sun from both sides.” 

~ David Viscott ~

The Captain made it official and asked me to marry him . . . and of course I said yes!

Wikipedia describes marriage as "a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship."  For me, it is a deeply spiritual commitment that binds two people in the most meaningful way with mutual respect and love for each other til death do you part.

Although I was previously married, it feels like the first time . . . needless to say, I'm deliriously happy to share my life with the most perfect person in this world for me who I am madly in love with . . . and he's my best friend.

I'm feeling the sun from both sides :)

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I will . . .

 Sometimes it seems like I have waited a lonely lifetime to find my love.  I was prompted to write this post as I listened to the song "I Will" by Paul McCartney the other day.  It has been one of my favorite songs forever and has held so much meaning in my life.  I didn't realize how much until I listened to the song the last time . . . and it all came rushing to me.  The song was almost like a promise that through the worst time of my life, love would find me again.

Finding the person that was born to be your life partner is one of the most important things we do in our lifetime.  Looking back in time, it seems as though it happened so easily, yet on the other hand it feels as though the impatience inside of me was waiting to explode like a volcano.

Some people live a lifetime and never find true love.  I feel so fortunate that I have been blessed with finding "the one" twice in my life.  

I've written similar posts, but my message is so important and deserves repeating to give hope to those ready to give up on life in general.  

I have to be honest and say that I felt so cheated when I became a widow at a young age.  My life drastically changed from one day to the next.  A bitterness and anger regarding life in general came over me.  My fight for sanity continued day after day, leaving me to wonder at times whether life itself was worth it.  Deep down I knew it did . . . so I fought the demons of bad thoughts and feelings one moment at a time, clinging to my faith in God to save me from the hell that had become my life.  It went on way too many years . . . it felt normal.

Through it all, as I struggled to embrace my solitude, I knew there was someone out there who was meant for me.  The lyrics of the song "I Will" kept playing in my head, knowing that one day love would find me again.  I could feel him . . . I know it sounds crazy, but I did. I remember writing about it numerous times.

We eventually found each other . . . when neither of us was paying attention . . . so naturally.  There were so many signs that I could not possibly ignore.

And I was reminded of the song lyrics . . .

"And when at last I find you

Your song will fill the air

Sing it loud so I can hear you

Make it easy to be near you

For the things you do endear you to me

Oh, you know I will

I will"

Today I am so grateful for my faith in God to fight those demons and find reasons to continue living when I didn't want to . . . and for putting a song of love in my heart to keep me going.  Most of all, I am grateful for the wonderful man who crossed my path singing a familiar song very loudly.

I Will . . . Lyrics

Who knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to, I will

For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same

Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
Oh, you know I will
I will

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The Hard Edges

The hard edges of overwhelm have consumed me lately.  My apologies for the lack of posts on this blog, but I really detest writing for the sake of writing.

I'm learning the lesson of listening to my body and knowing when to rest in the midst of life swirling around me.  Relaxing is another issue altogether . . . something I have a real problem with.  The immediate goal is to find the harmony of rest with relaxation.

As I was cleaning out my email accounts, I ran across the following article from The Daily Om, which is an extremely important source of inspiration for me.  Sounds like good advice!

Have a wonderful day . . .

When our minds are cluttered with too many thoughts and information, our bodies respond by trying to take action.

Our minds and bodies are interconnected, and the condition of one affects the condition of the other. This is why meditation is such a powerful tool for healing the body, as powerful as physical therapies. When our minds are cluttered with thoughts, information, and plans, our bodies respond by trying to take action. When the body has a clear directive from the mind, it knows what to do, but a cluttered, unfocused mind creates a confused, tense body. Our muscles tighten up, our breath shortens, and we find ourselves feeling constricted without necessarily knowing why.

When we sit down to meditate, we let our bodies know that it is okay to be still and rest. This is a clear directive from the mind, and the body knows exactly how to respond. Thus, at the very beginning, we have created a sense of clarity for the body and the mind. As we move deeper into meditation, the state of our mind reveals itself, and we have the opportunity to consciously decide to settle it. A meditation teacher pointed out that if you put a cow in a small pen, she acts up and pushes against the boundaries, whereas if you provide her with a large, open space, she will peacefully graze in one spot. In the same way, our thoughts settle down peacefully if we provide them with enough space, and our bodies follow suit.

When we settle down to examine and experience our consciousness, we discover that there are no hard, definable edges. It is a vast, open space in which our thoughts can come and go without making waves, as long as we let them by neither attaching to them nor repressing them. As we see our thoughts come and go, we begin to breathe deeper and more easily, finding that our body is more open to the breath as it relaxes along with the mind. In this way, the space we recognize through meditation creates space in our bodies, allowing for a feeling of lightness and rightness with the world.

Source: The Daily Om

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The blahs are back

I've been on a roll of blah days and I don't know why.  It just happens . . . everything is fine and you wake up one morning and it hits you in the face . . . the blahs.  Well, maybe I do know what got it going this time, but it has continued for way too many days.  


I'm struggling with an arm that was used like a pin cushion by the nurse at my doctor's office.  The result is black and blue knots on my arm that freak me out.  My hand still gets those stinging sensations from them trying to take blood out from my hand . . . unsuccessfully after several attempts.  It took two nurses to finally get one vial of blood out of me.  Torture is what it is.  


My guess is that the blahs crept in the night before my doctor's appointment with the anticipation of the struggle that always ensues when they need to take my blood.  It is a yearly ritual that I dread more than anything.  When I feel the blah feeling starting to take over, I really do try to be grateful that I am healthy and think of those people who are not as fortunate.


My schedule has changed and so far I've been unsuccessful at controlling my sleep routine . . . I am exhausted from not getting good sleep.  You don't realize how important getting good sleep is until you don't get it.


Watching the news doesn't help . . . and I'm a news junkie who can't stay away from watching too much of the cable news channels with nothing but depressing news.  I'm so sick of hearing about Casey Anthony . . . enough already!  I did manage to watch some old I Love Lucy episodes when I couldn't sleep that lifted my spirits a bit.


Today I received an email from my aunt who always seems to know when I need a specific message . . . it contained the following prayer.  I'll leave you with this . . . it is a keeper for those blah days!

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