Days with tears

Catch me if I fall
I'm losing hold
I can't just carry on this way


Lyrics from the song
Faith . . . The Cure

Today was supposed to be my day of rest since I've been going like the energizer bunny.  As it turns out, it is anything but restful, instead I've got the worst case of anxiety I've had in a long time.


There are those out there in this world who are squealing with delight, I know.  Woohoo Gina is feeling miserable today . . . enjoy it while it lasts because I have faith that can move mountains.  This too shall pass.


It seems to me that as humans, we can only tolerate a certain amount of stress . . . emotional and physical . . . then we just want to shut down.  So, I'm allowing myself to shut down today and wallow in self-pity even though I know that I have everything to be happy about and there is so much suffering in this world that I almost feel guilty for feeling this way.


But I do feel this way today and I won't apologize for it.  I just need to write about it . . . it is ok to have a bad day or a bad phase.  After all, life is full of bad days and every day there are probably more people feeling like I do than bouncing off the walls with happiness.

For many reasons, I find myself questioning so many different things.  One thing for sure, life as it has been has got to change.  I've lost my focus and concentration . . . everything seems to be in chaos . . . no schedule, no routine.  I'm feeling terribly lost.

This too shall pass . . .

A hauntingly depressing song for those having a bad day and want to wallow in it . . . go ahead . . . it is normal. 

Get on with life as usual tomorrow.





Faith | The Cure

Lyrics

Catch me if I fall
I'm losing hold
I can't just carry on this way
And every time
I turn away
Lose another blind game
The idea of perfection holds me
Suddenly I see you change
Everything at once
The same
But the mountain never moves


Rape me like a child
Christened in blood
Painted like an unknown saint
There's nothing left but hope
Your voice is dead
And old
And always empty
Trust in me through closing years
Perfect moments wait
If only we could stay
Please
Say the right words
Or cry like the stone white clown
And stand forever
Lost forever in a happy crowd


No one lifts their hands
No one lifts their eyes
Justified with empty words
The party just gets better and better


I went away alone
With nothing left
But faith

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Be back soon

The Captain has been in the hospital recovering from surgery

and I have had limited access to the internet.  I sure do miss posting

to my blogs!

Hope to be back to blogging as soon as life returns to normal . . .

whatever that is :)

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Messages From Beyond

The following story I found on the Guideposts website reminded me of a blog post I wrote many years ago.  I had become a widow a short time, missing the comfort I received from JR when I was feeling down or sick.  The one who was always there to wipe my tears was gone, never to return.  The best way I could describe the feeling is that my heart was not just broken, it was shattered.  

For a time, it seemed that everywhere I went, coins would show up on the ground.  After a while it felt odd!  It all made sense when I was watching Crossover, a television show . . . I forget the guy's name, but he was doing a segment of "Messages From Beyond."  

I know one of his messages was for me . . . "you keep finding coins on the ground . . . I want you to know everything is going to be alright" . . . to this day I know that JR was letting me know that he was still there watching over me to wipe my tears away.

Here is the story from Guideposts . . . 

Mysterious Ways: Calendar Message

My husband always knew how to ease my worries. After he died, I longed for his words of comfort.

By Marie Harris, Gulfport, Mississippi via Guideposts

Tears filled my eyes as I flipped over a page on my desk calendar to reveal today’s date: September 13. The first anniversary of my husband John’s death. I missed him fiercely, and the calendar’s daily inspirational messages often lifted my spirits when I was feeling particularly upset. I checked the day’s message. The page read: “Death is a new adventure in existence. No need to dread it or ignore it. Because of Christ, you can face it.”

Just the sort of thing I needed to remember. Life without John was hard on me. I’m a born worrier—John called me his ‘little worry wonk.’ I stressed over everything—public speaking obligations, the deadlines I faced in my job as a journalist, the safety of my friends and family. “Relax,” John always said. “If something is out of your control, worrying just wastes your time. You’re letting negative thoughts overwhelm you.”

I knew he was right, and I’d calm down—until I found something new to fret about. After John passed away, the grief only compounded my stress. I missed his soothing words of wisdom.

I stared at the page of the calendar. What a coincidence that this message came today, of all days, I thought.  I should save it.

I tore September 13 from the calendar and held the page in my hand. That’s when I noticed the date printed on the other side. April 19.

John’s birthday.

I turned the page over and read the message. “Destructive anxiety subtracts God from the future, faces uncertainties with no faith, tallies up the challenges of the day without entering God into the equation. Worry is the darkroom in where negatives become glossy prints.”

Exactly the words John would want his little worry wonk to hear.

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The Greatest Gift

 "A gift given in the spirit of friendship or love can have a significance that goes beyond its financial value. A small token of great affection can sometimes be more valuable and precious in the eyes of the recipient than a costly one. It is neither the size nor the cost of a gift that matters. Rather, it is the love with which the gift was given that makes it meaningful."  

Source:  Daily Om

The most perfect gift in this world as described in the above quote is a cute little affectionate doggie to love.  It had been many years since I owned a dog . . . over ten years since my beloved Miss Betsy the sweet beagle who was more like my child died.

The Captain decided it was time to go back to the animal shelter and find a doggie to love.  So we headed to the animal shelter we adopted Mimi the cat from to look for a new furbaby.

When I first saw Kiki, I knew she was the dog I was looking for.  Another couple had picked her up first and I kept praying that they would put her down and go away.  Well, they did!!  I snatched those papers, staking my claim to her and The Captain went over to the office to get the adoption papers started.

God blessed me with one of the greatest gifts of all . . . a sweet doggie to love!

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Joy

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Only Yesterday . . .

"You were the dawn breaking the night,

the promise of morning light

filling the world surroundin' me."

I've read some sad tales about loneliness, lack of love and Valentine's Day this past week in Bloggerville.  There are people in my life who are suffering from loneliness and having a difficult time dealing with it.

The holiday only seems to heighten the awareness of loneliness in one's life.

I've been there several times in my life and found the love I was searching for each time.  My life is a testimony that it doesn't have to last forever . . . just a phase in our life if you open your heart and hold on to hope and faith.

The featured song, Only Yesterday by The Carpenters, says it all for me . . .

Only Yesterday | The Carpenters Lyrics
After long enough of being alone,
everyone must face their share of loneliness.
In my own time nobody knew
the pain I was goin' through.
Waitin' was all my heart could do.
Hope was all I had until you came,
maybe you can't see how much you mean to me.
You were the dawn breaking the night,
the promise of morning light
filling the world surroundin' me.

When I hold you, baby, baby,
feels like maybe things will be all right.
Baby, baby, your love's made me free as a song
singin' for ever.
Only yesterday I was sad and I was lonely.
You showed me the way to leave the past
and all its tears behind me.
Tomorrow may be even brighter than today,
since I threw my sadness away only yesterday.

I have found my home here in your arms,
nowhere else on earth I'd really rather be.
Life waits for us, share it with me,
The best is about to be,
And so much is left for us to see.

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Long nights, slow days

It is another entry from the past making me realize that sometimes the lovesick pains we go through are necessary for growth in a relationship, especially an online relationship that has gone on for a long time through the marvels of modern technology of the internet and long telephone conversations.

With a serious long distance relationship comes an unlimited amount of fear and doubt from both sides. Patience and perseverance is mandatory and not always possible, resulting in the ups and downs that make you feel as if you are going crazy.

The Captain came to me two years ago after a long distance relationship that kept us on the phone 24/7 with a bluetooth stuck to our ears.  It is funny when I think about times like the holidays, when we were both celebrating with our respective families, yet together on the phone.  I'd go out to lunch with my mom or with a friend . . . and the bluetooth stuck to my ear talking to The Captain at the same time.  Crazy times!

There is something about starting an online relationship as an awesome friendship that grows into long distance love that makes one appreciate the other person in your life when you finally come together.  It evolves through different phases, all the while getting to know and love that person.  

I can't remember exactly when I realized that he was the one I wrote about years before, inspired by a song by Cher.  

This entry was originally written on September 10, 2007

This song is for my man . . . the one I wait for, dream about . . . I feel you and our hearts beat as one . . . I see you but your face is a blur and I can't see your eyes. Who are you? Everywhere I look I see rain, that is what the song says . . . to me you are the rain, what the flowers need to grow and everything I need cause the days are slow.

The nights are long, the days slow . .. they have no meaning without you. I love you with all my heart . . . my spirit knows you, it feels you and wants you more than anything I have ever wanted before in my life. You are my everything, please come to me, reach out for my heart, touch my soul, my spirit and let me live again . . . 

A long distance relationship worked for us although it was not easy.  

We were married six months ago and I have not had any regrets!

Rain Rain | Cher
Lyrics:


Ooh Ooh Ooh

Everywhere I look I see rain. . .

Why am I here if you're there

So far away it's not fair

To be without you - like this

I miss you more than you know

The nights are long, The days slow

Without the warmth of your kiss

Wish you were back here with me

Cause out my window, All I see is

Rain, Rain in the sky

Everywhere I look my eyes see

Rain, rain fallin' down

Crying as it hits the ground

Rain, rain in my heart

Every day that we're apart

Rain, Rain

Falling rain, rain

Only rain, rain

The sun is strong when you're near

But when you're gone it disappears

Behind an ocean of blue

The telephone's not good enough

It can't reach out, it can't touch me

The way that you do

Wish you would knock at my door

Cause only you - can stop the pouring

Maybe I'll go outside

And walk beneath the clouds

Pretend it's you that's watching over me

This isn't the only thing that comes between us now

Baby soon we'll be - together

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