Adversity

 

"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."

Walt Disney

For as long as I can remember, Walt Disney has been so inspirational to me. He went bankrupt several times and was laughed at (I imagine hysterically) about his cartoon mouse. He had the last laugh. It goes to prove that one should never give up on a dream or aspirations for happiness . . . whatever your heart desires.

There was a time in my life that everything seemed to be perfect. I had a great job in the corporate world, made decent money, had a great marriage and I could go on. It was one of the happiest times of my life. Speaking of Disney, we visited Disney World at least once a month since we were both at our jobs a very long time and had over a month's worth of vacation . . . lots of long weekends are awesome when you put in at least 70 hours a week.

Well, keeping up that work routine and office politics took its toll on me. One day I walked away, it was impulsive, in a sense it was a horrible move, but we finally got the peace and happiness needed and our lives changed drastically.

We became a one income family, I really got into cooking and gardening. At that time, I wanted to be like Martha Stewart. It was a very satisfying time and my marriage to JR was the best ever. We were so happy.

What seemed like a giant setback in my life turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I am so grateful that JR and I got so much closer and happier since his life was cut short at 42 years old. We never would have had that great life. I spoiled him rotten and we were so blissfully happy. If I still worked those 70 hour weeks, there is no way we could have had that degree of happiness.

Everything in life happens for a reason.

After years of agonizing grief, I met The Captain and remarried.

Now that I have become a widow for a second time, I have become stronger, but I wonder about the reasons why God chose for me to be in this survival mode again, it was difficult enough the first time. All I have to say is that I must have huge rewards coming after all this adversity and heartbreak.

But I still believe and have faith that I can be happy again.

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Future Without Fear?

Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep faith and drop the fear. Don't believe your doubts and never doubt your beliefs. Life is wonderful if you know how to live it. 

Source

There is a line in that quote . . . "Life is wonderful if you know how to live it."  It screams life balance to me and learning how to maintain it.  I can remember having life balance at different points in my life.  Maintaining it is so difficult as life changes and throws us off balance.

Never have regrets for anything in your past since those circumstances have brought you to where you are at this moment and even the bad is good because you learned lessons along the way.

As far as fears and doubts, whatever is going to happen will happen.  The present and future are not controlled by fears and doubts unless you are faithless and prevent the process of moving on.  Think positively about life situations, make the best choices possible and have faith in the choices you have made for yourself.

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Grief is schizophrenic

 

When grief gets a grip on you, it will take on a life of its own that no matter how hard you try, is so difficult to get through.  One of the problems is that it is ever changing and when you think you have it figured out and under control . . . BOOM . . . it will grab your attention and let you know otherwise.

Grief is schizophrenic!

Many of you know that my first husband passed away over 20 years ago.  As a reader of my blog you know that I am still grieving his loss to this day and having a difficult time with it.  And even though I have been through the grief all these years, I have determined that it is totally different for me this time.  So my notion of grief has changed.  Now the two are mingled and sometimes throws me for a loopy time.

Today is one of those loopy times.  I'm semi-paralyzed and have not done anything all day except sit here and try to think on how to get moving.  It is approaching early evening and I have not had a thing to eat or have not had a cup of coffee.  No energy, no motivation whatsoever!  There are days I don't eat at all, I don't want it and I am passionate about food.  Sometimes I can trick myself into gathering up some motivation and times like this there is no way.  Today my definition of self is that I am out of control and can't stop the roller coaster!

I can tell you that writing about it helps tremendously.  At times it gives me the opportunity to see a different perspective after I have written about it.  Try it if you are having grief incidents that are sometimes unbearable.

This too shall pass and tomorrow is another day with another grief phase - hope it is a good one!

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I was never ready for you to leave

 

My normal grief feels like all of the above at the same time.

It happened so fast.

On that morning, I woke up and was startled to see the far away look in his eyes.  It seemed to me so strange that he was normal the night before, although I felt something was off for a few days.  One of my first thoughts was "I'm not ready for him to leave me."  He was already gone, but it was months before he passed away.  

Since that day, unbearable sadness has consumed me to the point of paralysis, not being able to do a thing at times.  Being alone is what I have craved and I can sometimes only make it from one minute to the next without breaking out in uncontrollable tears.  I thought I would never get through the phase of acceptance since I was not ready to lose him to begin with.  Even though he was not healthy, I never thought he would die so young.

I had already experienced the tremendous grief from losing my first husband and I knew what agony I was about to face again.

Are we ever ready to lose someone we love?

My grief has thankfully entered a new phase and I am happy to say that I am actually experiencing "normal" days.  It has taken me almost a year to accept that he had to leave, God was calling him.  But I now find myself moving past acceptance and through all the other phases that change from one day to the next.  But at least some days are good.  I know as time moves on the good days will appear with regularity.  It just takes time and lots of prayer.

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Where magic lives

Wishes are shining deep down inside of you. 

Cause that, my friends, is where the magic lives. 

Jiminy Cricket

It is that "anything is possible" mentality.

It is positive thinking.

It is having the determination to do whatever is

necessary to make your dreams come true.

After going through a long stretch of extreme grief, feeling somewhat hopeless for the phase I was going through and all consuming unhappiness, I've emerged to a new phase.

The new phase has a strong positive attitude that has me knowing that I can actually be "normal" if I do whatever it takes to get there.  What will it take?  I have no idea what it all entails, but I am ready to go there.

The thoughts are actually feeling normal.  OMG, can it be?  

The whole thing has taken me to a song I have loved all my life.  The theme from Cinderella, a childhood favorite movie . . . a dream is a wish your heart makes.  And we all know that Cinderella went from being a slave to her stepmother to becoming a princess, earning the respect of her hateful family and the love of her Prince Charming.

The lyrics to the song are beautiful . . .

   A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Composed by Mack David, Al Hoffman and Jerry Livingston 
for the Walt Disney film Cinderella 

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartache
Whatever you wish for you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're feeling small
Alone in the night you whisper
Thinking no one can hear you at all
You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
A dream is a wish your heart makes

You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

  

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Passionate and Intense Love

 

Have you ever felt an intense and passionate love for someone that seemed to be a gift from God?

There is nothing like it in the whole world.  Although it feels like a gift, the object of your desire may have no idea how you feel because it is nothing that someone can intentionally give you.  It is what it is and purely natural.  And the person feeling the "love" can't make themselves feel it . . . it just is.  

It may not be love at all, but this feeling for another person is more like magic.  This magic can actually make your heart skip a beat, feel like you are floating in the clouds and you truly believe you are in love.  You could possibly be falling in love and perhaps "the falling" is actually more magical than being in love itself.

All these thoughts came rushing to me as I thought of the first days of meeting The Captain online.  I was so taken by him with his charismatic and charming personality that I did not want to see a photo of him.  We spoke on the phone and his voice was music to my ears.  I felt so strange to feel so strongly about someone I had never seen or touched.  But my senses felt his magic.  

I prayed that this was not an ugly man that had captured my heart so intensely since my heart had previously been taken only by men I was strongly attracted to physically.  Shallow and too picky, I know.  But I was being taught a different way of falling in love and it was blind faith.

It was one of the best times of my life.

When you meet someone online, you really have no idea who they are or what they really look like.  If they have a photo, it could possibly not be the person you are interacting with, but someone else the person wants you to think they are.  

Unfortunately that deception happens often online.  The person resides in your computer or phone, an image in your mind that your heart interprets what it wants, but really is not real until you are eye to eye with the person.

In my case with The Captain, he made my heart skip a beat with his charming personality, but when I finally saw a photo of him and ultimately met him in person, my prayers had been answered and I had been falling in love with a man whose appearance I was strongly attracted to . . . to the point that I didn't know if I was coming or going.  What a feeling!

He gave me a gift I will never forget and he lives in my heart forever.  RIP captblackeagle, I will love you forever.  Miss you so much, my heart is still broken and always will be.

Love your loved ones like there is no tomorrow . . . there may not be.

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Listen to your heart

"When you have compassion and surrender to your own heart, you are surrendering to the hidden power in your heart, God. You are surrendering to love, because God is Love, the cohesive force of the universe that connects us all. Surrender is not just a religious concept; it's a power tool for listening to the voice of your spirit and following its directions. When you surrender your head to your heart, you allow your heart to give you a wider, higher intelligence perspective. Remember the phrase, ‘The real teacher is within you.’ Very simply, that teacher is to be found in the common sense of your own heart."

Sara Paddison

Listen to Your Heart | Roxette
Lyrics

I know there's something in the width of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes yeah
You've built a love but that love falls apart
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark
Listen to your heart when he's calling for you
Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why
But listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye
Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide yeah
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems
the feeling of belonging to your dreams
Listen to your heart...
And there are voices that want to be heard.
So much to mention but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic, the beauty that's been
When love was wilder than the wind.
Listen to your heart when he's calling for you
Listen to your heart, there's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why,
But listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye.

Isn't that all that needs to be said?
When it comes to love, intuition is key
Listen to your heart!
I believe it is the voice of God

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