Time changes the way we perceive memories. I didn't realize that until The Captain passed away. Memories of my life with JR have changed through the years without me realizing that it was happening.
Time lessens grief, but it never takes it away. I have learned to be grateful for everything I have been blessed with, especially another day.
My latest grief stage has brought me far away from perfect peace. It is getting better, but faith and trust have been difficult to attain. The birthdays of two husbands who have passed away have been awful trigger days with Easter around the corner.
This definition of peace is what I have been lacking . . . "freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions".
As I prepared our traditional Easter ham and potato salad, the overwhelming empty feeling of not sharing the cooking and enjoying the meal and the holiday itself with both of them consumed me.
These are typical trigger days that have doubled for me. The Captain helped me through those days in the past. Now I try to relive the memories of days past to get through the present trigger days.
It has been a weird time. Yes, the silence is loud. Sometimes it is hard to breathe. I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say. I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me. Only him. God knows how much I miss him.
It was so good to finally see my family again after all these months, I missed them so much. However, words have been difficult to find and conversation is so difficult right now. The Captain and I were rarely without words. He is the only one I want to talk to, but I never will again.
Yes, it is a difficult time, but this too shall pass.
