Lost

 

I'm trying.

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Hopes, peace and contentment

That little voice in my head has been speaking to me and through feeling grateful again, I have regained hope for the future.  It isn't hope for anything in particular, just peace and contentment.  

In my younger days, when I aspired to one thing or another, I didn't have time to be grateful or feel contentment.  It was the "thing" that was all important.

As time goes on and life throws challenges at me, peace and contentment is what is all important.  It is less complicated and leads to a happier life.  

The book "Simple Abundance" changed my life so many decades ago when I started reevaluating what was important in my life.  The change to a simpler life that made me so grateful for the nature and beauty in my back yard.  My yard was beautiful with so much color and alive with the birds and squirrels that I fed.  But after JR died, working in the yard was no longer satisfying.  Nothing was.  Grief does that to me.

The biggest lesson in my life has been dealing with grief and death.  I've been through so many phases in my life that has made peace and contentment the most important. Knowing that no matter what, everything will be ok is the best feeling in the world at this point in my life.

I've wiped the dust off of my book "Simple Abundance" and hope to find more peace and contentment.  It is about time that I remember hope is a good thing.

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Life, dreams and gratitude

 

The tragic fires in California this past week have given me so much to think about life, hopes and dreams and gratitude.  In the course of life, going after our hopes and dreams or experiencing difficult life circumstances, we sometimes get overwhelmed and forget to be grateful.  It is human nature and doesn't mean that we are an ungrateful person.

Since The Captain passed away last year and having to make the difficult decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep recently, grief has taken me over and although I am usually grateful for everything I have been blessed with, the deep pain within has consumed me. 

Those in the path of those fires not only face losing their home, but their lifestyle.  The lucky ones will still have their home, but friends and neighbors will probably be gone, all the familiar places like grocery stores and schools gone.  No doubt these "lucky" people will feel that horrible feeling of deep grief that will change their life forever.  And like grief from a physical death, they will probably feel profound guilt.

No matter what their circumstance, most had hopes and dreams.  Some achieved dreams, some had future dreams . . . both are perceived gone at first.

Having watched way too many hours of news, it has made me think about life in general and have ultimately realized how grateful I am for everything I have been blessed with and I can have new hopes and dreams for my life.

The following poem and all that thinking made it all make sense.

"Today I woke and found myself

With less than yesterday

My life was missing things

I had assumed were here to stay

Things that had seemed little

'til they left a giant space,

Left an empty silence

And a longing in their place

And I began to understand

That when push came to shove

I longed for what I’d had

When I’d thought that was not enough

I’d always looked ahead

Was always chasing more and more

Growing so complacent

Of the things I once wished for

Running to tomorrow,

To the weekend, to next year

Forgetting I was lucky

For the things already here

And all this made me realize

That my life can’t buy more time

So maybe I should spend my time

Loving this life of mine

And maybe I’ll be grateful

For the little things I’ve got

That seem inconsequential

But which mean an awful lot

So, tonight I’ll thank the stars

Instead of asking them for more

And I will hope to wake with all

The things I’ve thanked them for

‘Cause now I see that my todays

Are filled with time I’ve borrowed

And I shouldn’t sit around and waste them

Chasing my tomorrows."

'Chasing Tomorrow' by Becky Helmsley from 'Letters from Life'

Becky Hemsley Poetry

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A Heavy Heart

The holidays are hitting me harder than usual this year.  I know it is the recent decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep a month or so ago.  I miss her terribly and feel so much guilt since I had to sign that damn paper.  It has compounded the loss of two husbands.  The good memories both help and hurt me.

I have found many groups and pages on Facebook that have helped me cope.  The following is a poem from one of them.  The source is also listed.  I could have written this myself . . .

You think she's angry, but you don't see,

The weight she carries silently.

It’s not the rage that fills her eyes,

But tiredness in a thin disguise.

She's not furious, but worn and torn,

From dreams abandoned, hopes forlorn.

She’s tired, she’s weary, she’s feeling lost,

Paying life’s relentless cost.

She’s sinking deep in a sea of doubt,

Crying softly, without a shout.

Frustration builds, but not from hate

It’s the closed doors, the heavy weight.

She promised much, her dreams were bright,

But now she battles every night.

She wants to give, to rise, to shine,

But life’s harsh currents pull the line.

So when you see her weary stare,

Know it’s not anger, but despair.

She’s fighting hard to find her way,

Hoping tomorrow’s a kinder day.

- Christina Stewart

Source for photo and poem

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When your dog is your soulmate

 

As I have grieved my fur baby Kiki, I have sought out social media forums and communities dedicated to help grievers cope with that terrible phase in their life.  It is important to surround yourself with those who have and are walking the same journey, just wanting to find peace.  Below you will find a post that said everything I have been thinking about my little girl. 

It has been over a month since she's been gone and I am still so heartbroken.  Starting to take her kennel down, her "house," has proven to be one of the most difficult endeavors ever for me.  I feel like I am betraying her and trying to erase her existence, which is so far from reality.  It is tearing me up big time.

If you are walking in my shoes, feeling the loss of a pet and grieving in a profound way, the following group on Facebook is for you.  The article below will help you understand why you are having such a difficult time when others who don't understand just think you are being ridiculous and just need to get over it.  It is that magical connection that is still so strong and always will be.

Source for article and graphics: Serendipity Corner

"When your dog is your soulmate, it feels like they’ve seen the depths of who you are and decided to love you anyway, flaws and all. There’s no pretense with them. They don’t care if you’ve had a bad day, if you’re broken, or if you’re lost. They just stay. Not because they have to, but because, for some reason, their soul fits with yours in a way that makes everything feel a little lighter.

It’s not about them reading your mind or sensing your moods like it’s some magical connection. It’s more raw than that. It’s in the moments where you feel like you’ve got nothing left to give, and yet, somehow, they bring out the part of you that still cares. It’s in their eyes, how they look at you like you’re the only thing that matters. There’s no pretending with them—no need to put up walls or hold back emotions. With them, you’re exactly who you are, and that’s enough.

And it’s more than just love—it’s the way they make you see yourself differently, the way they pull you out of places you didn’t even know you were stuck in. The bond is stronger than anything life throws at you because it’s rooted in something so simple and pure. They don’t just support you—they remind you, in the most basic, honest way, that you’re worth being loved. And when the world feels cold or distant, they’re the one soul you can count on, no matter what.

R.M. Drake 

Artist Credit: Lisa Aisato"

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Grief is a strange journey

 

I've been going through another grief journey that has knocked me down pretty hard. Losing a pet is an indescribable grief.

In order to make a real attempt of going through this loss better than the losses of two husbands, I have discovered and remember how different the feelings are when it is an innocent little creature who can't tell you they are sick. Our pets want to make us happy. Some of them take it so seriously that they can be so sick and close to death, but don't want to bother you with it. Or so it seems.

Groups I have joined to cope with pet grief have opened my eyes to this. The majority of members say that they had no idea their pet was so gravely ill and it was too late to help them survive. Their described heartache matches mine. Total devastation at the loss of their precious best friend who was always so loyal and loving.

Although I am trying to stay busy and keep my mind occupied, my little Kiki is always on my mind. I've gone through so much guilt for not picking up that she was so sick. Those groups have helped me through that guilt. There is something to be said about surrounding yourself with those who understand what you are going through since they have experienced the same journey. The journey that never ends.

"Grief is a strange journey.

Each time we embark upon it, it is as though we have never taken its roads before.

No, I have that wrong: each grief brings us through a familiar landscape carved into unrecognizable contours.

For we do not only lose another person; we lose the person we were with the one we lost."

Patricia Monaghan

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The difficulty of grieving

Someone in a group I belong to told me that I'm in the "deep of grief" and I know that the way grief manifests itself changes with time.  But it never ever goes away.

My two recent losses, The Captain and my precious little Kiki were my immediate family that I lived with and loved day after day.  I am now completely lost with both of them gone.  My home is totally silent and feels so empty without them.  

When The Captain passed away, Kiki and I grew closer and we grieved together.  Dogs do grieve just like people, but in their own little way.  I have always taught my dogs to "talk" and Kiki took talking very seriously.  In our grieving together, she knew when I was going through a rough time and she would come to me and talk, hitting my leg with her paw, like to say "listen to me, I'm talking to you and want you to feel better."  The comforting look in her eyes was indescribable.  She comforted me like no human could and that made her so much more special than she already was.  

Now I am in the "deep of grief" over losing her company and comforting, resenting the fact that I can freely walk around and not worry about her tripping me since she was a Velcro dog.  I'm finding it so difficult to move past this and learn to live without her at my side every minute of every day.

I found this poem on the internet and it perfectly relates how I have been feeling since The Captain passed away and now Kiki. 

The harder we love

Means the harder we grieve

The harder it is

To go on when they leave

The harder to sleep

And the harder to wake

To know they’re not here

With each breath that we take

It’s hard to look forward

And hard to look back

Stuck in the middle,

Imprisoned and trapped

Where the harder the darkness

The harsher the light,

The harsher this world

That keeps spinning with life

But when that world’s feeling

So painful and hard

And you can’t imagine

Escaping the dark

It might help a little

To know it’s because

The harder we grieve

Means the harder we loved

******

Becky Hemsley 2023

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