Healing is not easy

 

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Trigger days

 

 

A string of trigger days have beat me up.  

Sometimes I think I will never get over losing The Captain and Kiki and it is killing me.

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A Love That Lives

My sweet Kiki and the cherished memories of her presence in my life is a treasured and precious gift.  This month I celebrate her birth month.  She would have been 16 years old.

I miss her so much.  My heart is broken . . .

A Love That Lives

When you’ve loved a dog until the end,

You’ve known the deepest love, my friend.

A bond unspoken, pure and true,

A love that time cannot undo.

They walk beside us, heart to heart,

A faithful soul, a work of art.

Their joy, their trust, their gentle grace,

A love that lightens every place.

But love so deep must pay its due,

And when they go, they take a piece of you.

The silent house, the empty space,

The longing ache time can’t erase.

Yet love like theirs is never lost,

It lingers on, despite the cost.

In memories sweet, in whispered dreams,

In echoes soft of running streams.

For when we loved them till the end,

We gained a love that will transcend—

A gift that pain can’t steal away,

A love that lives beyond decay.

Mark Waldrop

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Lost

 

I'm trying.

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Hopes, peace and contentment

That little voice in my head has been speaking to me and through feeling grateful again, I have regained hope for the future.  It isn't hope for anything in particular, just peace and contentment.  

In my younger days, when I aspired to one thing or another, I didn't have time to be grateful or feel contentment.  It was the "thing" that was all important.

As time goes on and life throws challenges at me, peace and contentment is what is all important.  It is less complicated and leads to a happier life.  

The book "Simple Abundance" changed my life so many decades ago when I started reevaluating what was important in my life.  The change to a simpler life that made me so grateful for the nature and beauty in my back yard.  My yard was beautiful with so much color and alive with the birds and squirrels that I fed.  But after JR died, working in the yard was no longer satisfying.  Nothing was.  Grief does that to me.

The biggest lesson in my life has been dealing with grief and death.  I've been through so many phases in my life that has made peace and contentment the most important. Knowing that no matter what, everything will be ok is the best feeling in the world at this point in my life.

I've wiped the dust off of my book "Simple Abundance" and hope to find more peace and contentment.  It is about time that I remember hope is a good thing.

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Life, dreams and gratitude

 

The tragic fires in California this past week have given me so much to think about life, hopes and dreams and gratitude.  In the course of life, going after our hopes and dreams or experiencing difficult life circumstances, we sometimes get overwhelmed and forget to be grateful.  It is human nature and doesn't mean that we are an ungrateful person.

Since The Captain passed away last year and having to make the difficult decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep recently, grief has taken me over and although I am usually grateful for everything I have been blessed with, the deep pain within has consumed me. 

Those in the path of those fires not only face losing their home, but their lifestyle.  The lucky ones will still have their home, but friends and neighbors will probably be gone, all the familiar places like grocery stores and schools gone.  No doubt these "lucky" people will feel that horrible feeling of deep grief that will change their life forever.  And like grief from a physical death, they will probably feel profound guilt.

No matter what their circumstance, most had hopes and dreams.  Some achieved dreams, some had future dreams . . . both are perceived gone at first.

Having watched way too many hours of news, it has made me think about life in general and have ultimately realized how grateful I am for everything I have been blessed with and I can have new hopes and dreams for my life.

The following poem and all that thinking made it all make sense.

"Today I woke and found myself

With less than yesterday

My life was missing things

I had assumed were here to stay

Things that had seemed little

'til they left a giant space,

Left an empty silence

And a longing in their place

And I began to understand

That when push came to shove

I longed for what I’d had

When I’d thought that was not enough

I’d always looked ahead

Was always chasing more and more

Growing so complacent

Of the things I once wished for

Running to tomorrow,

To the weekend, to next year

Forgetting I was lucky

For the things already here

And all this made me realize

That my life can’t buy more time

So maybe I should spend my time

Loving this life of mine

And maybe I’ll be grateful

For the little things I’ve got

That seem inconsequential

But which mean an awful lot

So, tonight I’ll thank the stars

Instead of asking them for more

And I will hope to wake with all

The things I’ve thanked them for

‘Cause now I see that my todays

Are filled with time I’ve borrowed

And I shouldn’t sit around and waste them

Chasing my tomorrows."

'Chasing Tomorrow' by Becky Helmsley from 'Letters from Life'

Becky Hemsley Poetry

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A Heavy Heart

The holidays are hitting me harder than usual this year.  I know it is the recent decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep a month or so ago.  I miss her terribly and feel so much guilt since I had to sign that damn paper.  It has compounded the loss of two husbands.  The good memories both help and hurt me.

I have found many groups and pages on Facebook that have helped me cope.  The following is a poem from one of them.  The source is also listed.  I could have written this myself . . .

You think she's angry, but you don't see,

The weight she carries silently.

It’s not the rage that fills her eyes,

But tiredness in a thin disguise.

She's not furious, but worn and torn,

From dreams abandoned, hopes forlorn.

She’s tired, she’s weary, she’s feeling lost,

Paying life’s relentless cost.

She’s sinking deep in a sea of doubt,

Crying softly, without a shout.

Frustration builds, but not from hate

It’s the closed doors, the heavy weight.

She promised much, her dreams were bright,

But now she battles every night.

She wants to give, to rise, to shine,

But life’s harsh currents pull the line.

So when you see her weary stare,

Know it’s not anger, but despair.

She’s fighting hard to find her way,

Hoping tomorrow’s a kinder day.

- Christina Stewart

Source for photo and poem

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