What keeps you safe?

 

The line comes from a movie I just watched . . . "What keeps you safe" . . . it has made me think all afternoon.  Sometimes I am amazed at the things that provoke deep thoughts.

The first thing that came to mind was my faith in God.  It makes me stronger no matter what others may think.  

Yes, I have terrible anxiety which makes me very fearful of so many things and there are many things I have not done in my life because of it.  My Christianity is often questioned because of this, which really makes me angry.  However, when it comes down to it, my faith in God keeps me feeling safe regardless of how it sounds.  I guess it can also be explained as choosing your battles. And I definitely choose my own no matter what.

One thing I hate more than anything in this life is having to explain myself to others.  I've had to explain myself all of my life.  Guess you could say it is a sore spot that also keeps me from doing some things.  My intuition tells me not to and I've learned to listen.  That keeps me safe in a way I can't explain as does being true to myself.

Then I go back to thinking about what "safe" really means.  I keep my feelings and emotions "safe" from being hurt by simply staying away from the thing that disturbs me.  Physically "safe" means just staying home and away from the general public. 

Sometimes I think I'm lost, but it is a lie my emotions tells myself during bad times.  I always make it through.  But maybe it is because I acknowledge my feelings and try to figure out how to deal with it.  It is never about feeling sorry for myself.  

I've finally reached the place in my life where I don't care what others think about me and the way I live my life. 

Memories . . . even the bad ones.  They contribute to who I am.  I don't really know why they keep me safe, but they do.  Maybe because they prove that I am a survivor going way back.  They also prove to me that good times do exist, even after bad times.  And they are reminders of what happiness meant to me.  Important reminders in life.

The main thing is self-acceptance and love.

read more

Believe in yourself

 

 

Love yourself first.

Believe in yourself.

Positive thinking.

There is power in all of the above.

Could be some of the secrets to happiness?

I'll admit that those times in my life when I felt negatively about myself were times of depression and unhappiness.  We can't blame ourselves for all that happens in our lives.  Learning how to move on quickly is so important.  You can get stuck in the rut of depression which is not good at all.  That is where I have been.  

It can't be confused with feeling sorry for yourself.

read more

Life is good

 

Although I am still healing and experiencing way too much emotional pain that I pretty much inflict on myself, life in general is good.  

Quality of life is subjective depending on how you perceive it.  I'm not sure that even made sense.  It did to me.  Other than the emotional stress I put on myself, my quality of life is pretty good.  

I have always been the type of person who could be alone in life and still have a good quality of life and experience happiness.  At an early age, people let me down and hurt me, making it easy to depend on myself since I have always felt there were few in my life I could trust not to hurt me.  And really, for that I am grateful since I am a stronger person for it.  Stronger does not mean happier though.

Not trusting others is one of those things that does not make my life happier.  It just makes me so aware of others and ready to deal with disappointment.  In my whole life, there are very few people I have allowed close to me.  And with those few, many of them were a mistake to let close.  We live and learn, don't we?

Since The Captain was ill before he passed away and since then, I allowed those who hurt me get the best of me and as a result, I have isolated myself, determined to be happy on my own and protect myself from further hurt.  It is so foolish to allow others to determine your happiness.  Even those we truly love.

I have learned that all I need is to believe in myself, be grateful for all that God has blessed me with and KNOW and acknowledge exactly how blessed I really am.  There is not much that I really need to worry about, so I have decided that it is time to shed the extreme sadness from grief and the anger of those who hurt me, find joy in the little things in life and make the quality of my life the best it has ever been.

That is the goal for the rest of my life!

read more

Healing is not easy

 

read more

Trigger days

 

 

A string of trigger days have beat me up.  

Sometimes I think I will never get over losing The Captain and Kiki and it is killing me.

read more

A Love That Lives

My sweet Kiki and the cherished memories of her presence in my life is a treasured and precious gift.  This month I celebrate her birth month.  She would have been 16 years old.

I miss her so much.  My heart is broken . . .

A Love That Lives

When you’ve loved a dog until the end,

You’ve known the deepest love, my friend.

A bond unspoken, pure and true,

A love that time cannot undo.

They walk beside us, heart to heart,

A faithful soul, a work of art.

Their joy, their trust, their gentle grace,

A love that lightens every place.

But love so deep must pay its due,

And when they go, they take a piece of you.

The silent house, the empty space,

The longing ache time can’t erase.

Yet love like theirs is never lost,

It lingers on, despite the cost.

In memories sweet, in whispered dreams,

In echoes soft of running streams.

For when we loved them till the end,

We gained a love that will transcend—

A gift that pain can’t steal away,

A love that lives beyond decay.

Mark Waldrop

read more

Lost

 

I'm trying.

read more