Perfect Peace

In God we have . . .

A love that can never be fathomed,
A life that can never die,
A righteousness that can never be tarnished,
A peace that can never be understood,
A rest that can never be disturbed,
A joy that can never be diminished,
A hope that can never be disappointed,
A glory that can never be clouded,
A light that can never be darkened,
A purity that can never be defiled,
A beauty that can never be marred,
A wisdom that can never be baffled,
Resources that can never be exhausted.
God is our all in all!


Perfect peace is a beautiful thought that can certainly become a reality.
I'm so happy and grateful to say that I'm so close!
This summer has been spent relaxing and chilling out, making the attempt to find out where my place is in this world.  It has been a phase of looking at my life as it was, pondering the thought of where my past experiences have led me and what are the lessons learned.
The lessons learned are the easiest part to identify and so profound as it relates to the past as well as the rest of my life.  The most important lesson is that life is short and we must make the best of our time here on earth in perfect peace and happiness.  Equally important is to the cherish every moment with those we love since we never know if that moment is the last with that precious person.
God granted my greatest wish . . . the gift of love from and to the most perfect person in the world for me.  The doors easily open for those things that are God's will, which is why so many doors were closed to me in the past.  That was another lesson learned.  Yes, it seemed to take forever to find that love and happiness, but it taught me to trust faith in God and have the patience it takes for those doors to open as they were destined.  Good things come to those who wait . . . just know they will arrive at the right time!
Our relationship has grown from an online romance that went through many phases of happiness and frustration that goes along with any new relationship and getting to know each other . . . a long distance relationship takes us through many unique twists. Through the six years that I have known The Captain, we went from those silly beginnings of online love to a strong relationship that has weathered many storms which actually made us stronger as a couple.
What lacks in my life is direction.  Honestly, I have always thought that retirement was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  In many ways it is.  The freedom is awesome.  The anticipation of a future that can become anything I want it to be is so exciting.  However, the "anything I want" part is the problem, although I have decided to go back to internet retailing and being creative.
I've been deep in the midst of total overwhelm about so many things.  I know I must take one thing at a time, but it is so much easier said than done. 
What I do know is that I think too much!
After much consideration, I have decided to continue enjoying my retirement, but take things slowly, enjoy every step of the journey instead of taking the "what if" approach of way too much thinking that has brought me down instead of being happy as I should be since I am so close to perfect peace.
Today I am feeling so lucky for this second chance in life and so grateful to have the most wonderful partner ever to love, adore and share a beautiful life with.
It has been a long seven years since I wrote the following post and I am eternally grateful that God took me by the hand and took me on a journey that led me down the path to a happy future.
Let my life experience be a lesson for your life!

This post was originally published on  March 8, 2008

Some advice from a good friend
with a multitude of wisdom . . .
"you need a journey"

My friend is so right, I've needed a journey for a long time, even before I started working. The last time I took time away from home and away from thinking . . . FUN TIME . . . was last July when I went to the beach with family and came back feeling like a new person.

All the emotions I have been experiencing lately is simply restlessness. I'm in between jobs, taking time to put lots of things in order before making another commitment and hopefully not disappointing myself again . . . back to being in limbo. Most of my problem is not making moves for fear of another disappointment.

Sometimes I forget the lesson I learned from JR's death . . . life is short and we must ENJOY every moment. My positive attitude has allowed me to enjoy moments, but I want more than moments. I spend more time planning life than living life. At least my attitude is no longer negative . . . so I must give myself credit for that progress.

I'm also realizing I have not trusted my faith in God. My tendency is to question God about everything bad in my life . . . JR's death, failed relationships, my indecision about the future and general "bad luck".

I have my moments when I realize that everything happens for a reason and that as humans, God grants us free will. Sometimes I get caught up in the middle of that theory, life circumstances twist my thoughts around . . . I end up not knowing what I believe and not getting past my core belief in God.

I'm referring to that peace that surpasses understanding . . . I do have that spiritual peace as far as feeling that no matter what, everything is going to be ok. What I seek is that peace that brings joy and I wonder if what I am experiencing is a perpetual grieving for JR that leaves me in this state and afraid that I am destined to live the rest of my days with this feeling.

Maybe it is like my friend says . . . needing a journey . . . needing fun in my life. It could be and I have been working toward wrapping things up around here so I can take off for at least a couple of days. No definite plans have been made on purpose so I can experience the awesome feeling of being a spontaneous free spirit like JR and I lived our lives. If only I can capture the magic of those days and I'm going to try.

One thing for sure, the journey will bring me closer to God and the journey to perfect peace. It is something that has been a part of my life before, so I know how it feels, I just need to remember how to get there.

read more

Who Am I?

"Please . . . tell me who you are and
what you want. And if you think those are
simple questions, keep in mind that most
people live their entire lives without
 arriving at an answer."

Gary Zukav

These are questions I constantly ask myself.  The answer varies every day.

In our lifetime, the perspective of identity and what we want out of life change and go through many phases.

Since retiring, I understand some of what I've heard about retirees.  They are lost, they lose their identity and don't know what to do with all that time on their hands.  On the extreme side of what I've heard . . . many people die shortly after retiring.

When my first husband died, I lost my identity in the world of being part of a married couple since the status of my world had entirely changed.  Having said that, I was somewhat prepared for the world of retirement and not having things that had to be done, sometimes at a certain time and place.

Since The Captain has also retired, I am not alone in the quest of our place in the world.  It is a very exciting journey to start all over again with all the awesome possibilities.  At this time, we are still pondering the questions, but enjoying the down time.

All I can say is that I am thoroughly enjoying the freedom of not having to do whatever or having to be at a certain place at a certain time.  

Time to go after another dream!

read more

Escape to your garden sanctuary

"In the refuge of brilliant color, sweet scents, and stillness you create in your garden, the burdens imposed upon you by a sometimes hectic world will melt away. The splendor and tranquility of what you have brought into being will entrance you, allowing you to forget the constraints of time and space. No matter how large or small your garden sanctuary, the time you spend reveling in its pleasures will refresh your spirit and provide you with innumerable opportunities to celebrate life."

Source:  Daily OM

There is nothing like the visual beauty of a colorful garden, the soothing sounds of nature and the aromatic scent of a garden to provide the perfect escape for unwinding, relaxing and recharging your batteries.

I have a saying that perfectly describes how my garden has made me feel . . . 

It is my little piece of paradise, the only thing in the world that is truly mine, where I can touch the earth and make it bloom.  On a bad day I can hide and tell the world, "excuse me . . . while I kiss the sky."

Although strong thunderstorms trashed our back yard with huge fallen limbs compounded with our health issues which resulted in a badly neglected garden, I have lost my huge back yard sanctuary that provided a beautiful comfort zone, The Captain and I are slowly creating our carport jungle that is already feeling like a much needed retreat on a smaller scale.

read more

Relationship Red Flags

We all have our "frying pan moments" . . . some more than others.  No two people get along so perfectly as to never have them.

In my opinion, a great open and honest discussion over issues we don't agree on is healthy.  After all, how else would you really know how that person you are sharing your life with is feeling about issues important to you?  

When the great discussion turns into a full blown frying pan moment, a lack of communication can make the difference and result in not so pleasant consequences, the silent treatment or a routine happy day.  

That brings me to the purpose of this post, which was inspired by an article in Psychology Today on the topic of relationship red flags.  The following list is from that article with some excerpts.

1. Lack of communication . . . be open and honest!
2. Irresponsible, immature, and unpredictable. Some people have trouble mastering basic life skills and may still be working on growing up. In other words, it may be hard to rely on them for almost anything.
3. Lack of trust. 
4. Significant family and friends don’t like your partner. 
5. Controlling behavior. 
6. Feeling insecure in the relationship. You may often feel that you don’t know where you stand in a relationship.  Follow your gut instinct with this one!  A good relationship should not make you have these feelings.
7. A dark or secretive past.
8. Non-resolution of past relationships. 
9. The relationship is built on the need to feel needed. If this dynamic is the focal point of a relationship, however, there may be little room for real growth, individually or as a couple.
10. Abusive behavior. Verbal, emotional, psychological, and certainly physical—is not just a red flag but a huge banner telling you to get out immediately and never look back.

A red flag is a good intuitive image to help you process what you’re really feeling. At the end of a difficult relationship, people often say, “He (or she) told me who he (or she) was at the very beginning, but I just didn’t listen.”

Learn to trust what you feel. Your hunch is probably right.

Click here to read the complete article.

read more

The Waves of Grief

It hasn't been a good time.  Sometimes life will throw some unpleasant stuff our way.  At times we go through it with flying colors, unscathed emotionally. Other times it stops us in our tracks and just doing normal, routine things are a big chore.

The other night everything got to me in a big way and I had a bit of a melt down.

A conversation with my mom started the whole thing.  She was feeling a little depressed, missing my dad, the way things were, not wanting to even sit in her back yard because it brought back good memories of times that were gone.  She cried and cried.  And it got to me.  She talked about living on borrowed time since she is getting older.  

Don't we all go through that scenario whether we want to admit it or not?

That conversation brought me to thoughts of my past and those who have passed away and left such a void in my life.  There are times I think of those special people individually, but this time, it was all of them at one time.  It was too much to handle, along with the thought of my mom's mortality . . . and mine.

I don't have many true friends.  My nature is to not trust anyone enough to let them close.  Friends have hurt me deeply in my life, so there are only a few that I trust.  Two of them have passed away since JR died.

Rose was my best friend going all the way back to junior high school.  We were silly pre-teens when we met.  She and I went through all those silly things we go through in our teen years going into our adult years. We remained best friends until she passed away a few years ago.  She was the sister I never had and my only best friend to not hurt me through all those years.  That is special.  You would not believe how many times I want to pick up the phone to share something with her . . . and I realized she has vanished from my life like a puff of smoke.  It tears me up . . .

Nolan was my neighbor of like 20 something years or so.  He had always been there to lend JR a helping hand with projects around the house, was a frequent visitor and became my angel from God after JR passed away.  His death was sudden and extra painful.  When he bought his motorcycle, I got a bad feeling. He assured me not to worry since he was the most careful driver with a respect for the motorcycle.  Well, to avoid hitting a dog on the highway, he went out of control and hit a tree.  He died instantly.  He was here one moment and the next he's gone.  I remember hearing him leave on the motorcycle that morning and his sense of adventure put a smile on my face . . . only to break my heart at the end of the day.

I started thinking about them . . . and my godfather, my aunt's mother, my biological father, my brother's mother-in-law and brother-in-law,  my nano and especially my nana who was like my mother.  All those thoughts at one time was way too much for me to handle.  

Always on my mind is JR . . . the person I committed my life to until death do we part, but I still can't get over him being gone.  I miss him and the life we shared.

Those of us who have experienced the death of someone special will go through these times.  The good and bad feelings come and go, leaving us to go on with life as usual.  Some waves of grief are rougher than others . . .

read more

When joy is gone

Joy is gone from our hearts; 
our dancing has turned to mourning.

Lamentations 5:15

I will banish from them the sounds of joy and gladness, the voices of bride and bridegroom, the sound of millstones and the light of the lamp.

Jeremiah 25:10

"When you've seen beyond yourself, then you may find, 

peace of mind is waiting there."

  

George Harrison

Joy lies dormant deep within me . . . it is there, I know it is.  A mysterious stranger did not creep in and steal it.  Life is delicate and confusing at times. 

When did the joy leave me?  Was there a moment in time that was particularly bothersome?  I don't know . . .

The stress of life itself can sometimes sap the joy of life out of us.  It can pile up so high that it buries you, making it seem impossible to get out and suffocates you to the point of giving up.  It is not always depression.  Sometimes it is just life!

Do you just ignore it and hope it will go away?   

NO!!!!!

Everyone has a method of finding joy in their lives . . . if you don't, you should. I start with surrounding myself with those things that make me happy . . . or have the potential of bringing a smile to my face.  The sparkle in my dog Kiki's eyes, her wagging tale and her sweet little smile can make a horrendous day tolerable and momentarily puts a smile on my face.  A favorite song can work miracles!

There are some days I just want to run away and hide from the world.  In many ways, I do.  The last thing I want to do is talk to someone on the phone or answer a knock on the door.  Being social is the very last thing on my mind.  For me, there is a great deal of peace in becoming a hermit until I crawl my way out of it.

I haven't written much in a while.  In a sense I have become a blogging hermit! What I forget is that blogging about these feelings and emotions are key to the solution and hopefully a blessing for someone else going through the same thing.  My journey is a quest for peace, love and happiness, however, the journey is never a smooth one.  

God gives us free will to choose the wrong fork in the road, but he also provides the strength and courage to get ourselves back into the world of peace, love and happiness.

The stress of life has bombarded me and my sensitive nature makes it difficult to deal with it effectively, although I keep trying!

This too shall pass and tomorrow may find me laughing out loud again . . . something I love to do.  I've heard that laughter provides a longer life.

read more

Opportunity

Sometimes opportunity doesn't knock,
it just taps lightly — listen.

An opportunity is defined as a situation in which it is possible for you to do something that you want to do.

Opportunity doesn't always knock, it all depends on luck, fate, and destiny.

read more

Shifting Roles in a Relationship

Many of us will go through this in

 the course of our relationships 

. . . it isn't always easy!

Throughout the course of a successful marriage or long-term commitment, the two people in the relationship may shift in and out of various roles. For example, one person in the couple may support the other person going back to school. In order to do this, he or she steps into a supporting role, setting aside certain goals or aspirations in order to provide a stable base from which his or her partner can launch in a new direction. There are many gifts of learning inherent in this role—from having the opportunity to embody a nurturing stance to feeling the pleasure of seeing a loved one thrive. When our partner expands his or her horizons, ours expand, too, and we gain access to a world that would otherwise remain closed to us. 

However, there is also much to be said for having a turn to be the one stepping outside the box, perhaps taking time to attend to our personal healing, spiritual pursuits, or other interests. In order to maintain balance within our relationships, it’s important that we address these issues each time one person steps into a supporting role so the other can try something new. When we are conscious about acknowledging that one person is bearing a bit more of a burden so that the other can grow, we stand a better chance of making sure the ebb and flow in the relationship remains fair and equal. 

The most important part of this process is open communication in which each person has a chance to express how they feel and come to an understanding about the roles they have agreed to play and when they expect them to shift. Each time a dynamic shift occurs, a ceremony of acknowledgment can lend an air of distinction to the moment. This can be a simple dinner date or an elaborate ritual, depending upon what works best for us at the time. Perhaps the most important thing is expressing gratitude to the person in the supporting role and encouragement to the person moving in a new direction. When the flow of feeling and communication is open, a healthy closeness develops that allows each person in the relationship to have a turn at each of these important roles. 

Source: The Daily Om

read more

Love Talk

A humorous way to look at 'love' . . .

"People use the word 'love' a lot of different ways. Take me, for instance. I am often heard saying that I love my mom and dad. I am also often heard saying that I love pizza. 

What am I saying when I say I love my mom and dad? 

I'm saying that I care about them. I'm saying that I love spending time with them and that I talk to them every chance I get. I'm saying that if they needed me, I would do every humanly possible to help them. I'm saying that I always want what's best for them. 

What am I saying when I say I love pizza? Am I saying that I care deeply about pizza? Am I saying that I have a relationship with pizza? Am I saying that if pizza had a problem, I would be there for the pizza?  Of course not. 

When I say I love pizza, I'm just saying that I enjoy eating pizza until I don't want any more pizza. Once I'm tired of the pizza, I don't care what happens to the rest of it. I'll throw it away. I'll feed it to the dog. I'll stick it in the back of the refrigerator. It doesn't matter to me anymore. 

These are two very different definitions of the word 'love'. It gets confusing when people start talking about love, and especially about loving you. 

Which way do these people love you? Do they want what is best for you, or do they just want you around because it is good for them, and they don't really care what happens to you? 

Next time someone looks deeply into your eyes and says 'I love you', look very deeply right back and say, 'Would that be pizza love, or the real thing?"

~ Mary Beth Bonacci ~

Source:  The Daily Love

read more

Sending cupid's love

What would Valentine’s Day be without that cute little character, Cupid, the winged boy armed with his bow and arrow?

Cupid with his bow and arrow signifies desires and emotions of love . . . when Cupid’s arrow hits those he aims for, they fall deeply in love.

Who is this boy anyway? Did you ever wonder where he came from?

Cupid, known as the Roman god of love and the counterpart of the Greek god Eros was the youngest of the gods, the offspring of Venus, the goddess of love, and Mars, the god of war. He was born with the attributes of his parents, love and war.

Cupid just happens to be a part of one of the great love stories from Classical Mythology . . . his own.

There once was a beautiful princess who was adored by everyone . . . her name was Psyche. The beautiful princess was so captivating that the people began to forget about Venus. The goddess of love grew very jealous of Psyche and plotted revenge against her . . . but what could she do?

She decided to send her son Cupid on a mission of deceipt, armed with his magical arrow . . . he was to make Psyche fall in love with the ugliest man ever.

However, Cupid was equally captivated and obsessed with her beauty! He was so overcome by his obsession that he dropped his magical arrow on his foot.

It was love at first sight for Cupid and the couple became lovers . . . but there was one condition . . . Psyche was forbidden to look at Cupid. Psyche’s human frailties consumed her and one night, as Cupid slept, she took a peek . . . and he quickly awoke and caught her looking at him. As quickly as he was taken by love, he was now consumed with the fear of his mother’s wrath and ran away.

After years of searching the world, Psyche, heartbroken and determined to find her lover was finally granted immortality by Jupiter.

They lived happily ever after . . . shouldn’t all lovers?

Happy Valentine’s Day

read more

Waiting for Someday

If today is the day you will take your destiny into your hands, you will soon discover that you hold the keys of fate.

The time we are blessed with is limited and tends to be used up all too quickly. How we utilize that time is consequently one of the most important decisions we make. Yet it is far too easy to put off until tomorrow what we are dreaming of today. The hectic pace of modern existence affords us an easy out; we shelve our aspirations so we can cope more effectively with the challenges of the present, ostensibly to have more time and leisure to realize our purpose in the future. Or we tell ourselves that we will chase our dreams someday once we have accomplished other lesser goals. In truth, it is our fear that keeps us from seeking fulfillment in the here and now—because we view failure as a possibility, our reasons for delaying our inevitable success seem sound and rational. If we ask ourselves what we are really waiting for, however, we discover that there is no truly compelling reason why we should put off the pursuit of the dreams that sustain us.

When regarded as a question, "Why not now?" drains us of our power to realize our ambitions. We are so concerned with the notion that we are somehow undeserving of happiness that we cannot see that there is much we can do in the present to begin courting it. Yet when we look decisively at our existence and state, "Why not now, indeed!" we are empowered to begin changing our lives this very moment. We procrastinate for many reasons, from a perceived lack of time to a legitimate lack of self-belief, but the truth of the matter is that there is no time like the present and no time but the present. Whatever we aim to accomplish, we will achieve it more quickly and with a greater degree of efficiency when we seize the day and make the most of the resources we have at our disposal presently.

All the joy, passion, and contentment you can envision can be yours right now, rather than in some far-flung point in time. You need only remind yourself that there is nothing standing between you and fulfillment. If you decide that today is the day you will take your destiny into your hands, you will soon discover that you hold the keys of fate. 

Source:  Daily Om

Procrastination is a subject I've written about often since it is what I consider one of my really bad traits.

After more time than I care to mention, I have finally reached "someday" and I can't explain how wonderful the feeling of accomplishment has been.

The best way I can describe how I approached the problem is to say that when I started thinking realistically about what I have been putting off until "someday" it made me feel so weak in character.  I hate weakness and had never seen my procrastination in this light.

As a result, I started approaching it in small bites, knowing when to stop before burning out.  The best thing for me is to know when to stop, take a break and check out the progress while relaxing, and allowing myself to feel the satisfaction of accomplishment.  My changed perspective has made a huge difference!

Is has been a month and I am still making incremental improvements every day.  Some days I work on it more than others.

I'm happy to say that I have not felt this "normal" in a very long time!

read more

About Needing Love

You will never know how much having love in your life means to you until you have lost it.  Losing it suddenly puts you in a "strange box" of shock and disbelief that is difficult to get out of, leaving you broken in a million pieces.  It left me feeling like such a freak of nature. At least that is how it was for me.  It didn't get better as time moved on, it just changed.

This morning I was thinking about what my world was like without love compared to now that I have found love.  Those thoughts took me back to a post I wrote many years ago that goes back to a transitional place in time between needing solitude and needing companionship and love.

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER 2007

My quest to find love came two years after JR died. I needed love at the two year mark . . . like that broken window, I could see my blindness and it was like the light of my life was turned on again.

Although I was surrounded by friends anytime I wanted to be, I had locked myself into a dark room refusing to come out and live life. I will never cry that much in my life again . . . it was a living hell. I had turned cold, like a robot, not wanting to feel, not wanting to talk, not wanting to see the light . . . the darkness of my bedroom sitting in my comfy recliner with music playing was all I needed.

Sure, I went through the motions of being social and hanging out with friends . . . but sometimes it is worse to be lonely in a room full of people than being alone with your thoughts and the ability to cry when you want to if that is what you need to do. That is when I retreated back to my dark room, it is how I could cope and adjust to everything I was dealing with at the time. I lost many friends who gave up on me for being anti-social and judging me for not "getting over it" . . . were they really friends?

There is one thing that I have learned in life . . . people who have not walked in your shoes will never understand that dealing with a problem, it doesn't matter what it is . . . takes a different approach for different people and varying amounts of time. Who is the "be all to end all" that decided what those time limits are? For me . . . the answer is God . . . everything happens in God's time for his reasons.

First thing I did was put in a personals profile on an online dating service. I met and dated a professional guy who was very nice, financially secure, looking for a wife . . . wanted to settle down NOW. My life would have been set with this man . . . I was perfect for him. A professional guy needs a partner who loves to entertain, knows how to throw a party, mingle with people and cook for an army. After a month, he was making plans on selling my house so I could move in with him. WOW . . . he was moving fast. I was still building trust and friendship . . . and trying to find just a little spark of chemistry. In the end, I frustrated the hell out of that poor man, but it showed me that I was not ready for that type of relationship although I still needed love.

Then I became emotionally attached to someone on the other side of the world through the magic of Yahoo Messenger, web cams and telephones. The mistakes I have made with an online relationship was allowing myself to have feelings for someone who is so far away that they may as well live on the other side of midnight. The way it will work for me is to not have expectations since meeting someone online and getting to know them gradually is perfect for me. I'm still not ready for the traditional way of dating. I have "dated" three guys the traditional way and it does not work for me at this time.

What does love mean to me? 

One of my friends has a saying that I love so much . . . two hearts collide and melt into each other's soul . . . that is what love means to me. Being a part of another person, facing life together as partners, experiencing good times and bad supporting each other. Love means the end of loneliness, the end of fear of being alone, security, the sense of belonging and the awesome feeling of the caring and nurturing of another person.

JR's death taught me of importance of maintaining one's individuality at the time . . . I didn't do that with him . . . I was part of a couple . . . not Gina the individual who was JR's life partner.

Right now, I will admit that I am in a self-imposed sentimental prison . . . it is where I need to be to get past some other problems that need to be addressed. I'm not going out looking for someone to love, I'm not even going out casually to make new friends. It is not the right time for me.

These lyrics . . . "driving into town tired and depressed, like a flare the streetlight bursts an s.o.s., peace comes to my rescue and i don't know what it means . . . i need love" . . .

What is the peace that will come to my rescue? That is the answer to one of the biggest questions in my life . . . and I'll know what it is when I find it . . . when God delivers it to me in whatever form he wants.

Lyrics:I Need LoveSixpence None The Richer

i left my conscience like a crying child
locked the door behind me put the pain on file
broken like a window i see my blindness now

i need love
not some sentimental prison
i need god
not the political church
i need fire
to melt this frozen sea inside me
i need love

driving into town tired and depressed
like a flare the streetlight bursts an s.o.s.
peace comes to my rescue and i don't know what it means
i need love

read more

Fate, destiny and being alone

The following post was written at a time of missing JR so bad, feeling so alone, but having the faith that I would find love again, I was ready . . . I could feel my new love and that is so very special . . . a confirmation that you know that you know and have no doubt about your feelings, holding on to all the patience, hope and faith that everything will work out since it is meant to be.  

Fate and destiny.  
With passing time comes better understanding and the knowledge that life without the other will be virtually impossible.
Even though I had to wait another two years, I knew he was out there.  
I could feel his presence in my life way before he appeared. 
Isn't love wonderful?

This post was originally posted
 September 13, 2007

Alone . . . it is how things are meant to be for me at this time and place on my path. Prayers sooth my soul. Patience is what I ask for . . . I know this is where I am supposed to be . . . it doesn't matter how I feel, how anxious I am or how much I "want" . . . what I want doesn't matter.

After much contemplation and prayer, I envision "alone" as sitting on that bench on the beach . . . not a bad thing at all. Two months ago to this date I sat on that very bench gazing into the horizon, the glistening blue water, felt the wind blowing through my hair, with a cup of coffee in my hand, total peace in my head, contentment in my heart . . . I was totally alone and completely happy.

I was one with nature, talking to God, vowing to turn my life over to him to do as he will with the time I have left on this earth. What I was left with is the sound of two lonely hearts beating . . . I know I'm not to be alone much longer.

This is a time of healing, of gathering my thoughts and everything together, like getting ready to entertain and have a party . . . the table must be set, everything must be perfect for him. Time will do that for both of us. He knows I'm here and I know he's there . . . he feels me and I feel him . . . our eyes have not yet met.

Alone . . . this is how it feels to be at a crossroads of life, impatiently frustrated one day, positively anticipating destiny the next . . . and somewhere in between is lunacy, madness . . . a state of limbo and numbness.

I'm getting my life in order and he is doing what he has to do to prepare for me in his life too. Destiny awaits . . . the beat of my lonely heart feels the beat of your heart, I can hear you breathing with a sigh of the wind my love . . . you are so near, yet still so far away . . . but I'll wait as I pray for patience. You were made for me and I'm feeling you.

"And all the wonders made for the earth

And all the hearts in all creation

Another story there to be told"


And we will have our happy song to sing . . .

read more