An abundance of enthusiasm

What do you do with your worries, problems, fears . . . and an abundance of enthusiasm?

For the past two nights I have not been able to sleep because of worries, problems and fears crammed into my thoughts that don’t want to shut down, holding on to every little detail of every concern and project that I have going on that I am way too excited about. My poor brain is on overload!

Sleep problems run in cycles for me and I know the major problem is the lack of a routine and way too much enthusiasm . . . have I mentioned that I’ve always been a workaholic?

As time goes on I am learning to let things go that are out of my control, pray about it and release it, like putting it in a little box that sits high up on a shelf in my closet that I can’t see. However, if I have control over the thing . . . I will make myself crazy over it.

The other day I wrote an article on the race of life and how we need to slow down and enjoy life. However, it occurs to me that a person with workaholic tendencies can’t slow down because they are enjoying what they do a little too much . . . at least I do.

Still . . . I’m grateful for way too much enthusiasm . . . the alternative is giving up in a time that I can’t find a real job.

How do you find balance in your life? What works for you?

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Humorous absurdities

All those little humorous absurdities that give us a laugh are a very important ingredient in maintaining peace and happiness.

Not only is laughter an excellent stress reliever in times of high anxiety, it also helps to strengthen the immune system which is so vital to general good health and well being.

It isn’t merely being humorous, as in telling, listening and laughing at jokes . . . it is the ability to see the humor in little things that occur on a daily basis, even if those little things are frustrating and get on our nerves. Laugh about the absurdity of it and attempt to change your perspective of the thing, especially if it is a necessary part of your life . . . like someone at work who really gets on your nerves or a problem that keeps reoccurring.

Rather than get all worked up and stressed out over my present life circumstances, I’ve come up with the plan and now find the humor of it all. One of my favorite sayings is so appropriate for what I’ve been going through lately . . . “I’m up to my a$$ in alligators and they are snapping!”

I’ve done my share of crying and it is better to laugh . . . the outcome is the same and I truly believe that God has it under control. If you are having a rough time of life circumstances, maybe I have inspired you to laugh . . . there is a little humor in everything if you look for it.

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Sign of the times

“Our lives improve only when we take chances . . .
and the first and most difficult risk we can take
is to be honest with ourselves.”

Walter Anderson

Seems like there is a trend in our society where difficult economic times are bringing friends and family together, helping each other out and binding us closer together.

Trying to decide how to cope and live without a steady stream of money from my eBay store and finally coming to terms with the fact that getting another job isn’t going to be as easy as it once was has been a harsh reality to face. The decision to move back in with mom is, in many ways, a step backward in the progress of moving on with my life as an independent individual . . . but it is called survival . . . and a sign of the time.

I’ve heard of many people making this type of change in their lifestyle and since making the decision to change mine, through endless hours, days and weeks of pondering my situation, I realized that our society could possibly be changing to one where we are moving closer to family and friends and slowing down to help one another.

Closer to becoming a less selfish society?

In this awful time of life circumstances so many of us find ourselves in, there is a silver lining and something positive to be gained from this “crisis” that has almost changed our world overnight.

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Looking for Mr. Rock My World

Maxine must have tried an online dating service!

Since becoming a widow, I have ventured out a few times into the world of internet dating. The optimum words . . . a few times.

In my quest for peace, love and happiness, I sometimes think that my life would be enhanced by finding that special person to spend the rest of my life with again . . . or at least find a compatible companion . . . maybe even a friend with benefits.

Since all of my time is spent online . . . it is where I work, make money, socialize and learn . . . well, I figured I could find someone special online too.

There is one problem . . . human nature to make yourself look better than you actually look.

Ummmmmm, like using photos from 20 years ago or telling a little fib about your real age. Why lie? You will eventually meet and disappoint the other person, rather than being true to who you really are. That is starting off on the wrong foot.

Online dating services have worked for some . . . I have heard the beautiful and romantic stories. But for me it has been a waste of my time as far as making a local romantic connection, although I have made some awesome online friends from all over the world.

If my destiny is to have another Mr. RockMyWorld in my life, I will have to run into him at the grocery store . . . I’m not looking anymore! Casual dating is not on my path to peace, love and happiness . . . I’d rather be alone than play the games out in that jungle.

But . . . never say never!

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Nothing is impossible

Faith and a positive mental attitude work hand in hand in making things happen. A recurring theme of my blog is maintaining positive vibes and staying stress-free no matter what is going on in your life.

It took me along time to realize that I was making myself crazy over things that were out of my control . . . so much that I could not focus on those things that were in my control that could make a difference.

In my quest to turn my attitude toward life around, I have learned that our brains are subconsciously programmed. Our behaviors are guided by reactions determined through our thoughts. Unfortunately, for some of us, unpleasant events trigger those deeply rooted negative thought patterns.

With faith and a positive mental attitude, nothing is impossible. Every day I make a conscious effort to put my faith into action by the words I speak, determined by what I put into my inner being.

The good news is that I am learning how to reprogram my subconscious thoughts so I react differently when problems arise, making it so much easier to cope with life when times get rough.

Life is so much more pleasant with a smile on my face instead of crying and wearing an ugly frown.

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Honesty and untruths

People grow through experience if they
meet life honestly and courageously.
This is how character is built.

(Eleanor Roosevelt)

Honesty is at the core of peace, love and happiness. Anything built upon lies, deceit and dishonesty has no strength of true substance.

It is safe to say that there are times we’ve all had to be courageous and honestly admit a mistake or disclose facts that are none too flattering. Doing the honorable thing is not always the comfortable thing to do.

No man has a good enough memory
to make a successful liar.

(Abraham Lincoln)

Lies and untruths will open up a can of worms that keep multiplying and could become overwhelming and difficult to keep up with. Then what happens when everything is tripped up in lies? The implication in Lincoln’s quote was well said.

Why bother not telling the truth? Isn’t honesty easier in the long run? Circumstances, situations, events, facts, etc. are what they are . . . why try to change it and make the attempt to keep track of all the untruths?

Living a lie is not real and leads to the opposite of peace.

Murderers, thieves and scammers have to live with themselves. I often wonder how they cope with all those negatives vibes within themselves . . . or even feel true happiness and peace of mind.

Is it possible to be human and not have a conscience?

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Agree to disagree

It is about peace and harmony in our relationships and realizing that everyone has a right to their opinion. What a boring world we would live in without differing opinions . . . boring, but more peaceful.

When we share our beliefs with others in a sincere and open manner, putting aside any hostility we may feel toward an opposing view, it may lead to opening the door to understanding differing opinions and perhaps a new way of thinking on both sides of an issue.

Rather than take on the idea that it is not a good idea to discuss politics or religion, taking the approach of “agreeing to disagree” not only opens our mind to a new way of thinking on a particular subject, but also helps us strengthen our relationships with greater understanding if the approach of gentle expressiveness is exercised among rational people.

If the discussion becomes irrational, I always take the approach of saying . . . “let’s just agree to disagree” . . . and quickly change the subject. Sometimes it is not worth it . . . but with the right approach by all individuals involved, it can be a growing experience and lead to greater peace and understanding of those with different opinions.

Opinions are one of those things that everyone has and makes us each a truly unique individual . . . share your opinions peacefully and your voice becomes louder as others will be more willing to listen . . .

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Spirit of love

You will find as you look back upon your life
that the moments when you have really lived,
are the moments when you have done things
in a spirit of love.

Henry Drummond

The essence of Valentine’s Day is love . . .
only a part of it is romance.

One of the many aspects of love and
most beautiful is giving in the spirit of love.

That is what Valentines Day means to me.

It is giving . . . not of material things necessarily.

One of my fondest memories of childhood was exchanging and sharing Valentine Cards with my schoolmates. We all came to school with our little bags of colorful “Be My Valentine” wishes . . . one of my first recollections of giving and sharing associated with love, not romance . . . that was the spirit of love.

I’ll never forget what someone did for me when JR died . . . and to this day I don’t know who did this sweet thing for me. I asked everyone I knew . . . they obviously wanted to remain anonymous. Every day without fail for the longest time, someone left freshly cut flowers at my door. 

It didn’t matter where it came from . . . it was the most awesome random act of kindness I have ever experienced. In those dark days, the flowers and what they meant to me was just about the only thing that would bring a smile to my face. That was the spirit of love . . . unselfish compassion for someone hurting, in need of a smile and knowing that someone cared.

Simple things . . . like cutting an elderly neighbor’s grass or cooking a meal for them, just because . . . most seniors are on a fixed income and little things add up monetarily.

In the spirit of love, do something nice for someone less fortunate than yourself . . . not just for Valentines Day.

Do you recollect your fondest “spirit of love” moments?

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The path of conscious awareness

The world as we know it is changing before our eyes, leaving many of us walking on shaky ground. The economic turmoil seems to have popped up and immediately resulted in the dominoes falling one after another, spiraling out of control.

Haven’t we all been touched by this economic crisis? Corporations that have been household names are either closing their doors, severely downsizing their workforce or imposing a hiring freeze, leaving the mass numbers of unemployed with nowhere to work.

Many industries are disappearing into extinction . . . who reads a newspaper or magazine anymore? Apparently less and less of us every day. Sometimes progress and new technology means pain and unforeseen consequences . . .

We have embarked on a new journey as a society and it doesn’t matter what your status in this world is, you will be affected if you haven’t been already. No matter what, as individuals, we will be changing our course of thinking and inevitably, switching paths in the not-too-distant future . . . if not already.

New paths will have to be approached with persistence and patience as some of us have entered unexplored territory that is very scary. New coping mechanisms will also have to be adopted for those times when it seems like nothing is happening . . . like sending out resumes routinely with no response as money vanishes into thin air. Where is the peace of mind? How do you keep it when you find it?

Can you imagine a new culture where a large percentage of the population is unemployed, broke, hungry, humiliated . . . totally discouraged . . . fighting to keep their sanity in a dysfunctional world? As an American, I never thought I would even have to envision that day with the farther stretch being learning how to cope with it.

My prediction is that the industry with the fastest employment growth will be pharmaceuticals . . . we are already a medicated society coping with the world as we knew it. Employment opportunities in keeping the peace . . . our local police departments will grow . . . perhaps the national guard. New opportunities will naturally evolve, even if for unpleasant reasons, like rising crime statistics.

We are on a path of a conscious awakening of what is important in life. The changes in our society calls for drastic thinking on a deeper level as to what our priorities are.

Just as the internet drastically changed business and life as we knew it before a PC in every home and office was the norm, there will be another Bill Gates-type with an intuitive endeavor or idea that will make new and innovative changes to our new reality. Back in the day we feared that computers would take over our jobs, yet new and better opportunities arose.

Perhaps it will be the beginning of a better and richer way of life. Richer in what ways? Possibly a new appreciation and gratitude . . . a conscious awakening to what is important.

Is our spoiled society strong enough to endure times of sacrifice and uncertain changes?

Do you think about what those changes will be and how they will affect life as you know it?

Keep smiling . . . if you are reading this, you are still breathing and have the gift of life.

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A new years resolution

I’m alive again with the imaginary “new beginning” that a new year brings, along with a new challenge, standing on my own two feet, no longer complacent with money in the bank to keep me a hermit . . . no longer JR’s wife living in the past as if waiting to hear the sound of his keys unlocking the door, coming home from a day at work. One of my New Year resolutions . . . put the past behind me and I made a big step toward that at the first of the year.

Time to truly live again.

Although I am still wearing the gold chain he wore, his wedding ring has joined my wedding rings in a safe place and no longer on the gold chain. I’ll never forget him and the beautiful life we shared, but he is gone and it is finally time to move on. I’m grateful every day that his presence in my life gives me hope that there are still good guys in this world and they are supposed to be difficult to find because they are like treasures.

It was one of the most emotional decisions I have made in a very long time. I thought about it as new year resolutions were on my mind, as usual in December. The difficulty was breaking a promise to JR . . . to wear the gold chain with his wedding ring around my neck until my new soulmate would take it off. At the time I told him to not even talk of such things, but he had to take off his jewelry as he settled in at the hospital emergency room which led us into that conversation.

He passed away the following morning.

In six years, I took it off once to take x-rays and that was after begging them to not make me take it off. It was an obsession and I was haunted by the fact that I briefly took it off, feeling that I would be punished for breaking the promise. Tears filled my eyes as I took off the chain.

What I didn’t realize is that the promise has haunted me . . . a reminder that I remain alone in life without a partner, waiting to fulfill the ceremonial changing of my love loyalty. It has tormented me as I have replayed that time in the emergency room when the thought of another man was the furthest thing from my mind.

He’s gone . . . never coming back . . . the emotional tie became so psychological as time has passed . . . I would catch myself playing with it, putting it on my finger . . . a nervous habit which accelerated when I quit smoking . . . too much of a symbolic tie to him. I was holding on as if my life depended on it . . . subconsciously waiting for him to come back. I had to finally let go and take it off as the new year began, fulfilling one of my new year resolutions. Now I feel completely free and at peace to move on with my life.

Perhaps I will never move on, finding love again and living happily ever after with a new soulmate, rather finding fulfillment in work, hobbies and just enjoying what life has to offer. My faith in God’s destiny for me has to do with finding peace, love and happiness with my life . . . not necessarily another soulmate.

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The Big Picture

“The most pathetic person in the world is

 the person who has sight, but no vision.”  

Helen Keller

“Far away there in the sunshine are my highest

 aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up

 and see their beauty, believe in them, and follow

 where they lead.”

Louisa May Alcott

As long as I can remember, I have been accused of being a “dreamer”. At this point in time, I consider that sentiment a high compliment. Doers must first be dreamers. I love the above quotes so much . . . they perfectly capture the essence of  "the big picture" as I see it.

Goals, aspirations and dreams are the big picture of your life . . . they are necessary to challenge the mind which moves you in the direction. I have few regrets since my motto has always been "go for it" for those things my heart desires and I’m even grateful for my failures since I can’t ask the question "what if".

The big picture is what this blog is about . . . 

living in peace, love and happiness. 

You only live once . . . whatever your heart desires, go for it!

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Fear and love . . . the great motivators

It has been said that fear and love are the basic motivating forces that drive us through the journey of life.

Fear prevents us from throwing caution to the wind, going for those things our heart desire and miss out on joys in life.

I’ve been plagued with a fear of vehicles since I have lost many friends to vehicle accidents in my lifetime, starting when I was very young. Although I have made great strides in conquering that phobia, it has kept me from enjoying many of the pleasures that life has to offer. That fear manifested itself into very anti-sociable behavior that has sometimes presented me with problems.

Fear produces a vicious cycle of behaviors that feed off of each other and motivates in a negative way.

On the other hand, the power of love makes us fearless, making a human being struck by love feel as if all possibilities in life are possible with much passion and excitement. In the movie “Titanic,” Jack felt he was the king of the world.

The lyrics of a song recorded by Celine Dion, “Have You Ever Been In Love” describe that feeling of walking on clouds, floating on air and a silly smile that nothing can wipe off of your face. That is the feeling of being in love that is magically amazing.

Here are some of those lyrics . . .

“Have you ever been in love
You could touch the moonlight
When your heart is shooting stars
You’re holding heaven in your arms
Have you ever been in love?

The time I spent waiting for something
That was heaven sent
When you find it don’t let go
I know . . .”

Have you ever been that in love with someone?

Did it make you fearless?

My answer is yes . . . and it is like magic!

If you have it . . . don’t let it go!

I'm still waiting!

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Dance to your song

“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” Walt Disney

It is so much more fun when negative thinkers remind you that “it” is impossible and they are shown otherwise.

I’ve always danced to my own song and of course, I have had my share of failures. However, you can’t accomplish anything if you think that it is impossible . . . most people won’t even try at the risk of ridicule from others and the dreaded words “I told you so.”

Walt Disney has always been one of my “success” role models. Having gone through bankruptcy and being seen as a “failure” by his friends, can you imagine the ridicule he must have gone through when he discussed his next business endeavor that involved a cartoon mouse?

I think of Walt Disney every time I get a bizarre idea that others would deem impossible. Failure is not what I think of. What I think of is the success of the Walt Disney empire and the cute little mouse that is loved by many generations.

Another saying from a song from the movie “Cinderella” . . . “a dream is a wish your heart makes” . . . one of my favorite quotes and still one of my favorite stories of all time. Cinderella believed in herself enough to go to that ball and ended up living happily ever after with her Prince Charming.

Never stop dreaming . . .

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Walk away . . . be true to yourself

I’ve “walked away” many times in my life for the sake of being true to myself. As I contemplate choices for my future, I have been thinking of those many times I’ve thrown caution to the wind in order find true happiness and my ideal quality of life. Since my husband died, quality of life issues have become much more important to me in the scope of a lifetime that can be gone in the blink of an eye.

The last occurrence of walking away was a couple of months ago when I just walked out of a high paying position with a corporation who is still operating profitably in desperate economic times, offering unlimited overtime and all kinds of perks.

After more than a decade of leaving the corporate environment for my sanity, a poor financial state made it necessary for me to attempt another return while vowing to remain true to myself and do those things that don’t make me stressed out.

It didn’t take long before I found myself driving home in tears, feeling overwhelmed and unhappy with the knowledge that jobs are not easy to find these days and thinking about the money.

Two months later, I’m still unemployed and struggling as a once successful internet entrepreneur hanging in there waiting for the economy to bring back buyers to my internet stores. Fear is in control of buyers, including myself. So far I’ve had enough to make it.

Despite the financial obstacles . . . I’M HAPPY because I am doing what I truly love and being true to myself. Hopefully the masquerade of a “real job” is finally over and I can put down the roles that I’ve played unsuccessfully so many times . . . my final curtain call.

The decision has been made to undertake yet another entrepreneurial internet endeavor with a friend. I’m having faith that I can be financially secure and true to myself forever . . . such is the life of a free spirit in search of peace, love and happiness.

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Loving the joys in life

A simple thing like having my computer back to almost normal after being hit with a nasty virus that took months, weeks and lots of patience to get rid of has made me a deliriously happy person today. I knock on wood and say a little prayer as I say that I got rid of it . . . I thought I had been rid of it before and it came creeping back to wreak more havoc.

Since my computer is where I make a living and I have been broke, I had to be inventive and figure out ways to attack this virus as I did not have the money to go out and buy another computer or a hard drive . . . or even take it to someone to fix.

My stubborn determination paid off for me this time, although my computer system is a complete mess. I’ll figure it out and learn something new at the same time . . . I’m not a computer systems geek, just a general computer geek.

When the challenge made me angry enough to find the way, I treated it as a game . . . the computer virus had to be defeated. As I sit at my computer working and finally able to play music again, I feel the satisfaction of accomplishment . . . and the music has brought me so much more joy today than in the past when it was an ordinary thing in my life.

Sure, I have been majorly bummed out about having these computer problems compounded by the accidental death of a close friend, slow internet sales and no steady job with benefits . . . BUT I try to be aware of and grateful for the little things that bring joy to my life and know that I will be touched with many little joys that bring a smile to my face.

It is called simple abundance. Finding joy in those little things in life make the big struggles tolerable. Since adopting this lifestyle way over a decade ago, my life has changed from the career woman who drove home in tears every night after a day of work. I’ll take smiles and just getting by over lots of money and tears any day. It is a choice of a simple lifestyle and realizing that ordinary can be awesome.

The downward spiral of the economy has found many of us in a bad place in life and I am so grateful that I have learned how to cope with the obstacles by loving the joys in life which brings peace to my soul.

Tomorrow is another day and I feel awesome changes are coming in my life.

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Success and happiness

Happiness . . . it isn’t one thing in particular that is universal for everyone. What makes one person happy isn’t necessarily the thing that will make another person in the same circumstance happy. It depends on our wants and needs meeting up with joy and contentment . . . and what your definition of “success” is.

Success was determining the wants and needs that results in joy and happiness for me since I spent most of my life not knowing. Now that I know, success is living my life fulfilling my wants and needs.

In the past, success was measured by the monetary value of my paycheck, yet I wondered why I didn’t feel fulfilled. My wants and needs that have a price were taken care of, but the wants and needs that made me content were not. For someone else, the determined monetary value of their paycheck may define success for them, however, success is measured by the emotion of contentment that holds much value for me.

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Unconditional acceptance

It is the mindset that set me free and started the healing process . . . unconditional acceptance of my life circumstances. What else can you do when life abruptly changes and you have no control over it?

You can’t make yourself crazy over things you have no control over. It is a matter of picking yourself up, accessing the situation and making the best of what life has thrown at you with the hope that tomorrow will bring the solution.

Whatever the life change, from that point on, attitude and mindset is in control. You can either go back to bed and pull the covers over your head or work toward positive change that you do have control over.

It is easier said than done, however, when one stops fighting what has happened with life circumstances and the incremental changes of a positive attitude takes over, the outlook can be a much happier one. I’m living proof . . .

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An emotional commitment

I’m at a good place in life, so grateful for everything I have been blessed with. Every day brings incremental changes to my life that brings me closer to the person I’m happy to look at in the mirror and pleased with the character of that reflection who smiles back at me. She is his lover and the woman of his dreams learning how to be the best person she can be.

No matter how impatient I have been at times, if I want something that is beautiful and lasting as the long and wonderful life I had with JR, I can’t settle for just having someone by my side . . . and taking the one who happens to be passing by at the time.

Love is so much more than a piece of paper or companionship . . . it is an emotional commitment and should be what dreams are made of and even more . . . enhancing the other person’s life like nothing else in life can do . . . it is the missing piece of life’s puzzle.

Who is he? The man of my dreams . . .

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Escape from Paradise

A look back at two different times in recent past where I was transitioning from being a "hermit" to a somewhat "normal" person who was contemplating an escape from Paradise into the real world.  This post was written shortly before returning to the world of a "real job."

Originally posted on April 8, 2008
My goal for 2008 was to turn my life around and find happiness and contentment . . . a purpose. Today the thought occurred to me that while God is throwing signs at me from all directions, I only see the ones that I want to see, not the ones that he intends for me to see. The signs were all there and I even mentioned it in the following post from last year . . . I was being pushed out the door. I needed to ESCAPE FROM PARADISE.

Changes in my lifestyle had to be made since my life circumstances had changed and I had to change with them no matter how much I did not want to. Don't we all hate change? Don't we all have to do things that we don't want to do sometimes in life? I was holding on to a variation of the past that no longer was. God wanted me back out in the real world interacting with real people or else my online business would have continued to thrive as it once did. And I would still drift through time with no schedule, no sleep pattern and no purpose.

I've discovered I have a voice again. For someone functioning "normally" in this world of interacting with people, it is going to sound strange . . . but I would go through periods of total silence not speaking to anyone . . . I spoke through my keyboard, writing in my blogs since I isolated myself from people and became a hermit-like creature living in a cave, never to be seen or heard from in the real world. 
 I remember hearing the story of a man who had died watching television and was not found until a long period of time after he had passed away . . . it scared me that my life would end up like that if I continued in my hermit ways.

Just as 2008 was the year for me to turn my life around, 2007 was the year of realization and discovery for me as I made incremental changes throughout the year, preparing myself for the big change that was to come, not knowing what "it" was.

As I transfer my entries to Blogger, it is another realization to see how far I have progressed in changing my life and knowing that the direction I have taken is the right one for me at this time in my life. It is all so clear to me now, especially after reading the following entry from last year.


Originally posted on January 29, 2007

On occasion I have to do those pesky little things like go to the grocery store and actually leave my house and pry myself away from the computer. And I hate every minute of it!

As I got out in the real world of nice people who turn into demons behind the wheel of a car in traffic and little old ladies who go to the grocery store to socialize and take up the whole aisle, creating a back up for those of us who just want to go in, get what we want and leave, I realized that I actually enjoy and LOVE the solitude of my little world that I call Paradise.

After having a very long, soul searching discussion with my mom, who spent most of the day with me, it was so clear to me. Being home is what makes Gina happy, truly happy . . . making money at home and doing what I want, when I want without depending on anyone for anything. It gave me a new-found determination to make my online business work, even though I have no idea how I will pull that off since it has been dying a torturous death since eBay really started messing with seller fees and making it impossible for anyone to make a profit except for eBay. 

On the other hand, being the type of person I am that sees everything as a "sign", I have seen it as God pushing me out the door to a "real" job so I can get a social life as well as make money. 

The analysis of these signs and

my wants are having a struggle!

In the scope of my world and the things that are tormenting me at the moment, two things loom prominently . . . 1) no one to love and spoil . . . 2) finding a way to make a comfortable living online again . . . otherwise, my life is perfect. Really it is . . . and I live a very simple life where money does not rule my world, so it takes very little for me to be peaceful and content with my life.

The issue of "how am I going to survive" has been the major problem this past year as the online retail market has made drastic changes . . . not for the better. Since my husband died, I made a very comfortable living on eBay selling new and vintage costume jewelry and all of a sudden . . . crash . . . boom! 

Thank God I have many talents and probably would not have a problem finding employment, but I would not be true to myself. I go back and forth on this issue and really hate to make a commitment to a real job feeling this way. My heart has to be in it . . . just like anything in my life. I'm passionate about everything I do . . . nothing is done half way. So . . . committing to a job after being self-employed for over a decade . . . well, not sure if I can handle it to be perfectly honest.

This is another time of rambling and thinking out loud . . . my blog is also the journal my expensive shrink taught me how to keep a long time ago . . . letting everything out, analyze all angles . . . and maybe helping someone else going through the struggle of life changes in the process. It also gives my future soulmate a look into what goes on in my head and will know what he is getting yourself into with me . . . lol. I have nothing to hide! This is the real me with no pretenses or phony baloney stuff. What you see is what you get.

My real life paradise before it became a jungle (a small part of my massive back yard) . . . this is a short term goal . . . tame the jungle a bit so I can regain the sanctuary aspect of my property . . . and I can do it if I don't have to punch a time clock . . .

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